To a love that I'm hoping I haven't lost,
I understand that I put you in a lot of pain. I understand that you don't want to talk to me...but please, just unblock my number. Talk to me again. I'm in a moment in my life where I need you most, and your absence is really hurting me. You didn't give me time to explain myself, didn't give me time to cool down...you just blocked me. And right now, I don't know where our relationship stands. Whether this is goodbye forever or if you just need to cool down is something I don't know, but I'm really hoping that it's the latter. I've been having nightmares on a daily basis about you. Some nightmares because you really did leave me, and some nightmares because I woke up and discovered that they were just my brain desperately playing out what it wants to happen. I've lost four pounds, which is something that I initially celebrated, but now, I realize that worrying about you has caused me to not eat as much as I usually do. I've been physically sick for way too long, and from the start I knew that it was because of grief. I figured that I'd get better, but I never did. It's been about four days since you blocked me, and with each passing day, I get worse. I'm thinking of being hospitalized until I can effectively get over losing you. All I know is that I won't be able to get through it alone.
That Thursday was a normal day. We were having our normal conversation...then I got the upsetting news from my school. That news upset me, and the strong emotional stimulus, combined with the medications I was taking to try and control these emotions, caused what I believe to be a mental blackout. By the time I recovered, my pen was in my hand and I was writing a note to my parents, which, by what I read on the paper, was supposedly going to be my last. As I unlocked my phone, I was able to see the damage that I did to you for the brief second I saw our mutual Discord server...before it faded into oblivion. You pleaded with me, but I, on my emotion-fueled and medication-fueled rampage, wasn't having it. Only then did I realize that you deleted all of our Discord servers and removed me. I don't know if you blocked me, because when I tried to send you another friend request to explain myself, I saw that requests couldn't be sent. You'd have to add me. Thus, I went to my contacts, tried texting you about 30 times, and, tears streaming down my face at this point, I called. One call turned into two. Two turned into fifteen. Fifteen turned into thirty. Every single time, it went straight to voicemail. At first I assumed that you had your phone off, but then I realized that you blocked my number.
Ever since, I've been sitting here, alone, growing increasingly paranoid and increasingly upset with every passing day. I worry that you hurt yourself, that you went down the same path that I did...and that you'll never give me a chance to explain myself. To tell you how sorry I am. To tell you that I'm okay...and to tell you that my rampage was fueled by a bad combination of medications in my system and not my true feelings. Before I had the chance to make things right, you went away. When I needed you most, you left me. And I don't blame you. I acted like a fool. But you left me before I had any chance to redeem myself.
Now, it's Monday. As I sit here and write this, I can't help but cry. I've been crying all day, crying every day, but you'll never know the extent of how much I loved you and how much your absence is hurting me. I'm crying because I don't know how much I hurt YOU. I just want to know that you're okay, that you'll find happiness again, that you're still with me, even if we never see each other again. Right when I think I'm OK, paranoia sets in and I crumble. I'm going back to school soon and don't know what the semester has in store for me, but I doubt it will be good with how much pain I'm in. I made it into the honors program, moved into a major I actually want to do, am starting the year in a new building, with a room all to myself...but I don't care about that anymore. I don't care about starting new. I don't trust anyone anymore. Those four walls of my room are going to be my confine until I can get closure. Maybe it's immature, maybe it's foolish of me, considering that I'm just a nineteen-year-old girl and all, but it's all I can do. It's all I want to do right now. I don't want to make friends and lose them like I lost you. I've effectively lost every friend I had in the course of a few years. Now, with you, my one beacon of hope, gone, it's just me, and I'm thinking it should stay that way. I hope that you'll show me mercy and let me explain myself, but if not, I hope that you can live a happy and prosperous life. As for me...I don't know what the future holds, but I don't have any hope for it. I just wanted to thank you for being my boyfriend, and probably the best boyfriend I've ever had.
I needed to get it off my chest)
