Advice/post your problems here (?)

[Watchingthetreetops]

I was thinking that maybe we could have an official thread for this. Pardon me if there is one already. But I thought it might be a good idea to post a thread where...you're free to just talk about your problems. You don't have to be specific, heck, you don't even have to take advice that may or may not be given here. I just realized that I always come to btb when I have problems, because the community is really great.

So I guess if this is alright to post, this is an official advice/post your problems. You need emotional support? We are right here. You having weird back pains? Post it here.

 

[Miii]

I'll be in Florida for a week starting tomorrow, but I'm allergic to all but one sunscreen I've ever tried (and that one's really hard to find)... I'm extremely pale and burn after 30 minutes or less of being outside... and I already have a farmer's tan from doing paddleboard yoga out on a lake, wearing a t shirt... I'm looking forward to it, but dreading it at the same time.

 

[maplecheek]

I know most of the people here are younger, so I want to ask a question to those who have step-parents. Or, if you are a step-parent yourself, I would love your input.

What is your relationship like to your step-parent(s)? How did you feel when they first entered your life, and what advice to you have for, particularly, new step-moms?

I am asking because I am in a relationship with a father, and someday might legally become a step-parent. I am constantly nervous about it for various reasons.

 

[Watchingthetreetops]

I'll be in Florida for a week starting tomorrow, but I'm allergic to all but one sunscreen I've ever tried (and that one's really hard to find)... I'm extremely pale and burn after 30 minutes or less of being outside... and I already have a farmer's tan from doing paddleboard yoga out on a lake, wearing a t shirt... I'm looking forward to it, but dreading it at the same time.

I'm not sure if I have any advice to give. Good luck. And I'm sure it'll be fun, even if you end up a little crispy because of it.

I messaged my ex. For no reason. We broke up a year ago, but I had this really intense dream about him...and I felt like I should. I don't know why. I spent a week after the dream feeling guilty, because I really don't think about him much. But after the dream, I felt like...I don't know, like I needed to talk to him. So I sent him a message and now I'm too scared to see if he's responded. I'm going to avoid it for now. I have a good life. I'm not unhappy, and I don't know where this came from. I just...I don't know.

 

[Miii]

I know most of the people here are younger, so I want to ask a question to those who have step-parents. Or, if you are a step-parent yourself, I would love your input.

What is your relationship like to your step-parent(s)? How did you feel when they first entered your life, and what advice to you have for, particularly, new step-moms?

I am asking because I am in a relationship with a father, and someday might legally become a step-parent. I am constantly nervous about it for various reasons.

I had a step parent as a child, and personally my experience wasn't that great xD She was absolutely nuts, a complete control freak, and didn't like me, particularly, because I got more attention than her two daughters when I would visit them (maybe because I only saw my dad every few months because I lived in Texas while he was still in Oklahoma???). I mean, it started out great, she was nice, then she went all psycho.

ANYWAY. If you might end up being a step parent (and I don't mean this to sound harsh), just remember that you're not his children's actual mother, and that you'll have boundaries that you shouldn't cross at first, until you've been in their lives for quite a while. It'll be a lot harder for his kids to bond with you and trust you if they feel like you're an authoritarian that gets to tell them what to do because their father loves you.

Overall, I'd just work on really getting to know his kids and building trust with them. Maybe plan some fun things you, your boyfriend and his kids can all do together, like going to the zoo, going camping, going rock climbing (if there's a gym anywhere near you; the one near me is always packed with kids), cooking a kid-friendly dinner together (if they're younger), or whatever else they might like (and feel free to ask them). And ask them questions about themselves, and invite them to ask you questions, too :3 I'm sure they'll be curious about you and want to know a lot of things. I'm sure you'll do fine!

- - - Post Merge - - -

I'm not sure if I have any advice to give. Good luck. And I'm sure it'll be fun, even if you end up a little crispy because of it.

I messaged my ex. For no reason. We broke up a year ago, but I had this really intense dream about him...and I felt like I should. I don't know why. I spent a week after the dream feeling guilty, because I really don't think about him much. But after the dream, I felt like...I don't know, like I needed to talk to him. So I sent him a message and now I'm too scared to see if he's responded. I'm going to avoid it for now. I have a good life. I'm not unhappy, and I don't know where this came from. I just...I don't know.

I wasn't really seeking advice, just complaining a little xD

If you messaged your ex on a whim, and now regret it, then just don't respond if he messaged you back. You probably broke up for a good reason, and the fact that you hadn't thought about him much until you had that dream says something. Your subconscious might have just been reminding you about him to force you to deal with any unresolved feelings you had about him (which the brain loves to do in dream form).

I'd just advise you to think, again, about why you two broke up in the first place, and to think about whether you made the best decision for you. If it was for the best, then accept that and move forward with your life. You have no obligation to talk to him, or to worry about if he's happy a year later if you don't regret the breakup. And just a side note, if he hasn't talked to you much either, he's probably doing fine, and you shouldn't feel guilty about not keeping in touch (I mean he is your ex, after all).

 

[maplecheek]

I had a step parent as a child, and personally my experience wasn't that great xD She was absolutely nuts, a complete control freak, and didn't like me, particularly, because I got more attention than her two daughters when I would visit them (maybe because I only saw my dad every few months because I lived in Texas while he was still in Oklahoma???). I mean, it started out great, she was nice, then she went all psycho.

ANYWAY. If you might end up being a step parent (and I don't mean this to sound harsh), just remember that you're not his children's actual mother, and that you'll have boundaries that you shouldn't cross at first, until you've been in their lives for quite a while. It'll be a lot harder for his kids to bond with you and trust you if they feel like you're an authoritarian that gets to tell them what to do because their father loves you.

Overall, I'd just work on really getting to know his kids and building trust with them. Maybe plan some fun things you, your boyfriend and his kids can all do together, like going to the zoo, going camping, going rock climbing (if there's a gym anywhere near you; the one near me is always packed with kids), cooking a kid-friendly dinner together (if they're younger), or whatever else they might like (and feel free to ask them). And ask them questions about themselves, and invite them to ask you questions, too :3 I'm sure they'll be curious about you and want to know a lot of things. I'm sure you'll do fine!

Wow that is really unfortunate that she turned out like that!

Thanks for this note. Definitely agree with the boundaries thing, and I don't feel comfortable with the pressure of being their mom, since they have one already. I try not to impose anything on them unless they are ok with it. Young kids often don't know how to express themselves so I try to be aware of when they maybe don't feel comfortable. So far it has been good. I'm mostly worried about when they become teenagers.

Did you ever have problems with feelings of disloyalty? I don't want the kids to feel like I am competing with their mom, and would never do anything to seem like it, but I wonder if it's just a natural inescapable feeling.

I told their dad that I don't want to have any part in discipline. For the most part it seems like it's balanced, but sometimes there are situations where I have to tell them what to do. However, I think these are times where any adult would be responsible, not just a "parent," like not trampling not the neighbor's stuff and safety issues in public.

I only see them on the weekends for a day for now because I want them to have space with their dad, and also a slow transition.

The internet doesn't have much positive to say regarding step families, and the stats are against our success, but I am determined to try and make it work. It's definitely one of the hardest thing to do, since steps don't have blood ties and bonding to make conflict easy to get over. I'm lucky because they're sweet, maybe because they are pretty young.

I feel positive because I think that those relationships can fail due to immaturity (like feeling jealous and petty, not taking responsibility for choices, not willing to sacrifice), and I don't see that being an issue for us.

I hope that I can be a good support for them in the future, and I don't expect them to have feelings for me like a normal family. I want them to feel cared for and safe. That's about it.

I'm still nervous as hell.

 

[Xara]

I think I'm obsessed with a friend of mine.

I've already posted a thread about this (sorry), but I've been friends with this girl for almost a year, and I've grown way too attached. I depend on her a lot, which isn't good. And for a while now, I've felt like the friendship is extremely one-sided. She says she loves and cares about me, but her actions tell a completely different story. And I've also noticed that whenever I try to discuss something that's bothering me, she's very quick to dismiss it. However, when the roles are reversed, I try to help her.

During the last couple of weeks, she's hardly spoken to me. She'll message me maybe a couple times in the morning, but then I won't hear from her again until night, or even the next day.

According to another friend of ours, she 'wants to distance herself from people'. I have absolutely no idea where this has come from, or why, but it's not fair. She promised me she'd never leave me alone, and that's exactly what she's done. She promised she would talk to me this summer, but she lied.

I'm honestly very angry with her, and the desire to talk to her has gone away. I last messaged her on Wednesday, but it was just me saying hi, just so she wouldn't think I was dead or something. She did message back, but I haven't responded, and I don't think I'm going too.

I feel like I'm handling the situation wrong, or that I don't have the right to be angry...I'm just very confused. I'm hurt, and I'm tired of feeling like this when it comes to her. I hate it.

 

[Miii]

Wow that is really unfortunate that she turned out like that!

Thanks for this note. Definitely agree with the boundaries thing, and I don't feel comfortable with the pressure of being their mom, since they have one already. I try not to impose anything on them unless they are ok with it. Young kids often don't know how to express themselves so I try to be aware of when they maybe don't feel comfortable. So far it has been good. I'm mostly worried about when they become teenagers.

Did you ever have problems with feelings of disloyalty? I don't want the kids to feel like I am competing with their mom, and would never do anything to seem like it, but I wonder if it's just a natural inescapable feeling.

I told their dad that I don't want to have any part in discipline. For the most part it seems like it's balanced, but sometimes there are situations where I have to tell them what to do. However, I think these are times where any adult would be responsible, not just a "parent," like not trampling not the neighbor's stuff and safety issues in public.

I only see them on the weekends for a day for now because I want them to have space with their dad, and also a slow transition.

The internet doesn't have much positive to say regarding step families, and the stats are against our success, but I am determined to try and make it work. It's definitely one of the hardest thing to do, since steps don't have blood ties and bonding to make conflict easy to get over. I'm lucky because they're sweet, maybe because they are pretty young.

I feel positive because I think that those relationships can fail due to immaturity (like feeling jealous and petty, not taking responsibility for choices, not willing to sacrifice), and I don't see that being an issue for us.

I hope that I can be a good support for them in the future, and I don't expect them to have feelings for me like a normal family. I want them to feel cared for and safe. That's about it.

I'm still nervous as hell.

I did have feelings of being replaced by my stepmother's kids, but I was only eight years old at the time and I got over it pretty quick. I think letting them have time with just their dad is a good idea and a step in the right direction If you're getting along now, that's great.

When they start getting sassy or dramatic (probably around 12 or 13) remind them that because they're making the transition from kid to adult, that their hormones are about to be all over the place, and that it plays a huge part in their mood, and how they react to things. Explain to them that every teenager goes through a phase of being easily irritated, annoyed, and having a tendency to overreact, and remind them that you (I'm assuming here) went through the same thing, too, that it's just a part of life and that it balances out a lot around 19-21, when your brain and body finish growing.

I explained the whole hormone thing to my boyfriend's little sister (who is 13 now), and it's amazing what that realization has done for her. She can catch herself when she's getting way too mad way too fast over something little like her mom's tone (but of course, it doesn't prevent all conflict from arising).

 

[maplecheek]

I think I'm obsessed with a friend of mine.

I've already posted a thread about this (sorry), but I've been friends with this girl for almost a year, and I've grown way too attached. I depend on her a lot, which isn't good. And for a while now, I've felt like the friendship is extremely one-sided. She says she loves and cares about me, but her actions tell a completely different story. And I've also noticed that whenever I try to discuss something that's bothering me, she's very quick to dismiss it. However, when the roles are reversed, I try to help her.

During the last couple of weeks, she's hardly spoken to me. She'll message me maybe a couple times in the morning, but then I won't hear from her again until night, or even the next day.

According to another friend of ours, she 'wants to distance herself from people'. I have absolutely no idea where this has come from, or why, but it's not fair. She promised me she'd never leave me alone, and that's exactly what she's done. She promised she would talk to me this summer, but she lied.

I'm honestly very angry with her, and the desire to talk to her has gone away. I last messaged her on Wednesday, but it was just me saying hi, just so she wouldn't think I was dead or something. She did message back, but I haven't responded, and I don't think I'm going too.

I feel like I'm handling the situation wrong, or that I don't have the right to be angry...I'm just very confused. I'm hurt, and I'm tired of feeling like this when it comes to her. I hate it.

This is really hard to understand, but just because your friend needs to take a break from people, does not mean that she tried to hurt you. Sometimes people need to retreat for their own mental health.

Friends, in my opinion, are not obligated to be available at all times. There are of course considerate ways to be unavailable if you are close, but I think your feelings are of course your right to feel.

There is nothing wrong with feeling the way you feel. But it does not mean that your friend hurt you purposely. It may be that your neediness was hurting her, and she needed to take care of herself. Maybe she couldn't keep her promises because they are too tough. People are not perfect. Your friend is not perfect.

Again, there is nothing wrong with how you are feeling. If you are angry, be angry.

If you want to feel better, forgive your friend. It doesn't mean she didn't break her promises. It only means you are both human.

- - - Post Merge - - -

I did have feelings of being replaced by my stepmother's kids, but I was only eight years old at the time and I got over it pretty quick. I think letting them have time with just their dad is a good idea and a step in the right direction If you're getting along now, that's great.

When they start getting sassy or dramatic (probably around 12 or 13) remind them that because they're making the transition from kid to adult, that their hormones are about to be all over the place, and that it plays a huge part in their mood, and how they react to things. Explain to them that every teenager goes through a phase of being easily irritated, annoyed, and having a tendency to overreact, and remind them that you (I'm assuming here) went through the same thing, too, that it's just a part of life and that it balances out a lot around 19-21, when your brain and body finish growing.

I explained the whole hormone thing to my boyfriend's little sister (who is 13 now), and it's amazing what that realization has done for her. She can catch herself when she's getting way too mad way too fast over something little like her mom's tone (but of course, it doesn't prevent all conflict from arising).

I really like the advice about explaining hormones and changes.

Nobody told me that when I was a teenager! It was a hard time and fought with my mom so frequently. Things are better now, but I feel like we just have fundamentally opposed personalities, since I'm an adult now and it's still hard.

Thank you so much for this.

Don't feel obliged to answer since this is a personal question, but are you on better terms with your stepmom now? I hope she is not still acting crazy.

 

[Miii]

This is really hard to understand, but just because your friend needs to take a break from people, does not mean that she tried to hurt you. Sometimes people need to retreat for their own mental health.

Friends, in my opinion, are not obligated to be available at all times. There are of course considerate ways to be unavailable if you are close, but I think your feelings are of course your right to feel.

There is nothing wrong with feeling the way you feel. But it does not mean that your friend hurt you purposely. It may be that your neediness was hurting her, and she needed to take care of herself. Maybe she couldn't keep her promises because they are too tough. People are not perfect. Your friend is not perfect.

Again, there is nothing wrong with how you are feeling. If you are angry, be angry.

If you want to feel better, forgive your friend. It doesn't mean she didn't break her promises. It only means you are both human.

- - - Post Merge - - -




I really like the advice about explaining hormones and changes.

Nobody told me that when I was a teenager! It was a hard time and fought with my mom so frequently. Things are better now, but I feel like we just have fundamentally opposed personalities, since I'm an adult now and it's still hard.

Thank you so much for this.

Don't feel obliged to answer since this is a personal question, but are you on better terms with your stepmom now? I hope she is not still acting crazy.

I actually (sort of?) have a different step mom now. And a step dad, but I don't speak to either of my parents much (it would take so long to explain why). So in short, I don't know either of my step parents very well xD

- - - Post Merge - - -

I think I'm obsessed with a friend of mine.

I've already posted a thread about this (sorry), but I've been friends with this girl for almost a year, and I've grown way too attached. I depend on her a lot, which isn't good. And for a while now, I've felt like the friendship is extremely one-sided. She says she loves and cares about me, but her actions tell a completely different story. And I've also noticed that whenever I try to discuss something that's bothering me, she's very quick to dismiss it. However, when the roles are reversed, I try to help her.

During the last couple of weeks, she's hardly spoken to me. She'll message me maybe a couple times in the morning, but then I won't hear from her again until night, or even the next day.

According to another friend of ours, she 'wants to distance herself from people'. I have absolutely no idea where this has come from, or why, but it's not fair. She promised me she'd never leave me alone, and that's exactly what she's done. She promised she would talk to me this summer, but she lied.

I'm honestly very angry with her, and the desire to talk to her has gone away. I last messaged her on Wednesday, but it was just me saying hi, just so she wouldn't think I was dead or something. She did message back, but I haven't responded, and I don't think I'm going too.

I feel like I'm handling the situation wrong, or that I don't have the right to be angry...I'm just very confused. I'm hurt, and I'm tired of feeling like this when it comes to her. I hate it.

I had a friend like this in high school. We were best friends for 5 years, until I moved to another city. Before I moved, I was always the person she came to when something went wrong. She talked to me about her family problems, her relationships, drama at school, everything. I knew her better than anyone, and I stood by her, even when she was wrong. I literally talked this girl out of killing herself, told her it would be better, said I'd make it better, told her that I wouldn't leave her alone, spent the night at her house any time she needed me to, did whatever she wanted, talked her mom into letting her do things she never would have been allowed to do otherwise (like dying her hair, which I did for her), I gave her advice, and even answered the phone at 3 am on a school night when she called me crying because her and her boyfriend had a fight.

I was always the one giving, but when I had any kind of problem, even major life changing ones, she hardly had anything to say. She pretty much left me to figure it out. In the end (and this is what ended our friendship completely), she couldn't even bother to call me when my older brother died. She sent me one **** text saying "oh ur brother " and I didn't hear from her for a year. She eventually texted me again, and I told her what a ****ty friend she had been. This was the first time I had ever criticized her (because I had always cared about her feelings and didn't want her to be upset) and she couldn't take it. She didn't talk to me after that, and we haven't spoken since, and I'd have only the worst things to say to her if I saw her again.

I told you all this because your friend is likely the same kind of person; It won't matter how much you give, how often you're there for her, or how much you care because she'll never care about you as much as you care about her. Plain and simple, find some new friends and forget about her. Her attitude isn't your fault, and there are far better, nicer, kinder people to spend your time with.

 

[maplecheek]

I actually (sort of?) have a different step mom now. And a step dad, but I don't speak to either of my parents much (it would take so long to explain why). So in short, I don't know either of my step parents very well xD

- - - Post Merge - - -

I had a friend like this in high school. We were best friends for 5 years, until I moved to another city. Before I moved, I was always the person she came to when something went wrong. She talked to me about her family problems, her relationships, drama at school, everything. I knew her better than anyone, and I stood by her, even when she was wrong. I literally talked this girl out of killing herself, told her it would be better, said I'd make it better, told her that I wouldn't leave her alone, spent the night at her house any time she needed me to, did whatever she wanted, talked her mom into letting her do things she never would have been allowed to do otherwise (like dying her hair, which I did for her), I gave her advice, and even answered the phone at 3 am on a school night when she called me crying because her and her boyfriend had a fight.

I was always the one giving, but when I had any kind of problem, even major life changing ones, she hardly had anything to say. She pretty much left me to figure it out. In the end (and this is what ended our friendship completely), she couldn't even bother to call me when my older brother died. She sent me one **** text saying "oh ur brother " and I didn't hear from her for a year. She eventually texted me again, and I told her what a ****ty friend she had been. This was the first time I had ever criticized her (because I had always cared about her feelings and didn't want her to be upset) and she couldn't take it. She didn't talk to me after that, and we haven't spoken since, and I'd have only the worst things to say to her if I saw her again.

I told you all this because your friend is likely the same kind of person; It won't matter how much you give, how often you're there for her, or how much you care because she'll never care about you as much as you care about her. Plain and simple, find some new friends and forget about her. Her attitude isn't your fault, and there are far better, nicer, kinder people to spend your time with.

Oh, I didn't realize that maybe the friend is narcissistic.

This is regarding Heartbreaker's post:

If your friend is a narcissist who will only take and not give, then it's best to let go. It's not your fault and there is nothing you can do about it since it's a disorder of personality.

It's good to notice if you have pattern of being attracted to people who don't know how to care for you, or are not interested.

When I was younger, I dated people who didn't care about me as much as I did them because I had issues of self-worth.

If you treat yourself and know yourself as worthy and deserving of love, then you would stay away from emotionally or otherwise unavailable people. So that would be my advice.

That, and, don't beat yourself up for having feelings! Feelings are just feelings whether "good" or "bad" and it is ok to feel bad if someone is affecting you that way. Just learn from it and protect yourself with a clear mind.

 

[Acruoxil]

Well there's the What's Bothering you thread in the basement

http://www.belltreeforums.com/showthread.php?277982-What-s-Bothering-You

 

[vel]

my problem is i don't look ready for school to start. i want to have a glow up right before school starts but i don't have the money.

 

[Jeremy]

Hi. You can continue discussing this in the already existing What's Bothering You thread. Thanks!