Friendships that are one-sided.

[Croconaw]

Have you ever felt like you’re the one putting in the most effort in friendships... like you are the one always reaching out? I’ll be honest. There are some friends I have where I feel like we just won’t speak if I don’t reach out them first. I’ve made a bunch of regular friends, but none really ever developed into close friendship. Sometimes I do wish I had a few close friends rather than a bunch of acquaintances I’m cool with. Most friendships don’t last forever, but this has been on my mind this morning. I think it’s nice to have people to talk with, but it’s never good to think a friendship will last forever. You’ll just end up disappointed. Friendships happen for a reason and there comes a time you no longer need each other.

I’m just wondering if anyone else ever felt like that? ...like you put more effort into your friendship or relationship than you get back? Is the effort ever actually equal, or more balanced? Personally, when it becomes too one-sided, I lose the motivation to keep anything going.

 

[Antonio]

I feel like that quite often but the other way around. I feel like I don't put the amount of effort that the other people think I should within our friendship. I'm not the most communicative person nor the most active person so I think I have a hard time maintaining friendships, both online and offline. However, I don't think I should change this nor do I think one person should change how much they communicate with a friend. A friend is a friend no matter how many times they communicate back and forth IMO and if somebody expects me to communicate more then I should then maybe we may not be the best of friend because I'm just not that talkative or one to come to you with a conversation

Just let me put as much effort as I am able to, please.

 

[Croconaw]

That’s definitely understandable. Some people just aren’t that talkative. Friendships are just super hard to maintain in general, if things ever do turn into a friendship with the person. I think if a friendship is going to last a long time, there has to be similar goals and a similar mindset involved. It won’t work if you two are on different paths.

 

[Chris]

I'm on the other side of the coin. I tend to be so focused on whatever project(s) I'm working on that the days/weeks blend together and I don't realise how long it's been since I last made the effort to reach out to friends.

 

[Antonio]

That’s definitely understandable. Some people just aren’t that talkative. Friendships are just super hard to maintain in general, if things ever do turn into a friendship with the person. I think if a friendship is going to last a long time, there has to be similar goals and a similar mindset involved. It won’t work if you two are on different paths.

I forgot to mention, your post is understandable as well. Sometimes it feels like you are the one putting in the effort in said friendship and it's normal to have these feelings.

Post automatically merged: May 26, 2021

I'm on the other side of the coin. I tend to be so focused on whatever project(s) I'm working on that the days/weeks blend together and I don't realise how long it's been since I last made the effort to reach out to friends.

Even if I am not working on projects, my mind is always so busy with the little things that I always forget to keep up with things around me.

 

[corncob]

unfortunately i feel like most people have probably been in this position before, myself included... it just really sucks, especially when there's pressure to continue being friends by mutual friends who don't seem to recognize what's going on.

i had a friend who i honestly only hung out with because my partner still liked her, despite the fact that we had known each other for 10+ years. she had honestly matured so little in that time that it was disturbing, and she always used other people (especially my partner) as free therapy and gave little to nothing in return when they needed support. i kept telling my partner that i thought she was taking advantage of him - eventually he realized that i was right and we just cut her off. i'm sad it had to happen the way it did though; he was really torn up about it for a long time. i'd given up on her years prior.

i think the best thing to do when you realize someone is taking advantage of you or your kindness, or they're reaping all the benefits of the relationship without putting anything back into it, is simply walk away. it's best to tell them outright why you're no longer interested in friendship, i think, rather than leave loose ends, but in the end there's no sense continuing something that isn't working, and you'll feel so much better once it's over.

that said, however, i definitely do believe that there are friendships that can last forever, even if the closeness might wax and wane as the years come and go! they're rare and they take a lot of work, but they do exist. my parents have been in contact with people they've known since high school, several of which they continued being friends with right up until they passed away. there are a few people i'm currently friends with that i feel will be in my life until one of us is gone, even if we're not always as close as we are now, because they've already stood the test of time and the people we've grown into have grown alongside each other, rather than outgrowing each other. there may be one or two in that group that at some point stop growing with me and i'll have to say goodbye - or hell, maybe i'll be the one that stops growing with them - but for the most part, my core friend group has been around through the worst of it, and i can't foresee a time when that won't be the case <3

 

[Dunquixote]

Yes! I have been questioning where I fall in all of my current personal offline friendships right now. I’m done with birthday gifts partly because of that (and also because my mom helps me since i have no money and my mom thinks i shouldn’t spend so much on them if they don’t spend anything on me). I don’t know why I am always treated different; also when I try to joke — awkward. Is it my asperger’s or me period? These friends I have now have treated me and made me feel like I belong, at least for the most part, though one of them won’t stick up for me or even send a text to his cousin just saying not to text me anymore because he doesn’t want to side with me (I never asked him too. i just want his cousin not to text me especially on my birthday; no happy birthday either which i felt was rude). My relationship with his cousin who used to be a friend is strained. I deleted the text message and can’t ask myself. I didn’t think what I asked was asking for him to side at all.

 

[Princess Mipha]

I always tend to put a lot of effort into a friendship. I just want to make the person I want to be friends with happy and sadly tend to realise very late that this person just uses my friendliness. I had many friendships where the person would always use the fact that I like to help, especially if they feel down. The one time that I would complain about something that bothers me they would, well.. just delete me lmao.
Last reallife friendship I had that broke apart was the same. The girl just used my helpfulnes and the fact that I was super shy and have struggle to make friends. She made me do a lot of things, I even drew all the time the pictures for her for art class, because she didn't want to do them and I liked drawing and didn't want her to get a bad grade.. oh well, never got anything back from it, besides getting ignored and once it was my birthday and she said she'd meet me in town and I waited there for one hour, turns out she never bothered to show up. That was the last straw and I stopped this "friendship".

 

[-Lumi-]

I think that with friendships there always needs to be a give and take - if one friend is doing all the giving all the time, that's not fair to them and it's completely reasonable that the friend would get burnt out and feel underappreciated. I think that one sided friendships do definitely happen but I think sometimes people also give themselves to a friendship in different ways.

I don't think I worded that the best way so I'll try and explain better. I had a friend in high school who genuinely believed that we had to talk every single day, otherwise something was off with the friendship. And it's not to say she was being overly clingy or controlling - she just valued really consistent communication. And while I can go through periods where I will be on the ball with replying and hanging out I am also guilty of then burning out and laying low for a while. Or getting too invested in work and school that I don't realize how much time has actually passed since I last saw somebody because I genuinely feel like I just saw them last week, not a month ago.

I can see how it would hurt if a friend felt like they were always coming to me first/always planning hangouts so I do try and be mindful of that and try not to put that on them. I've been on that end of things and it can make me feel insecure and like I'm being a bother so I try to be equal with reaching out and planning to hangout and stuff. Even if I'm not the best though I always make sure to tell my friends, "Hey - I love talking with you and the only reason I'm being distant is because of X, Y, and Z." or whatever else. And honestly I think that's the big difference. I think it's completely reasonable for people to not always be the best at starting conversations first, or asking you to hangout, or whatever else as long as they are communicating why and still making the friendship feel valued.

I will always prefer to be friends with somebody who may be busy sometimes but when we do talk and hangout I actually feel valued vs a friendship where maybe I can talk to that person every single day but it feels empty. I don't have a lot of tolerance for trying to talk with somebody who seems to be completely uninterested in the conversation because that makes me feel foolish and like I'm bothering them which I don't want.

 

[Midoriya]

I feel like it takes some amount of effort from both sides of a friendship in order to make it work. My friends both online and in real life usually never message me first, but I make it a point to message them and they usually respond. There are times when someone will contact me first, and I appreciate the heck out of those times. But I know they’re not a guaranteed occurence.

 

[Neb]

Most of my online friendships are pretty one sided. I’m always the one to reach out first. In some cases I won’t get a reply for weeks (or months). This used to hurt a lot, but I’ve reached the point where I can accept it. With some people I’m just not a big presence in their lives.

Unfortunately I’ve done the same thing before. I’ll get distracted with my hobbies or life and forget friends that reach out to me. Sometimes I’ll become so consumed by guilt that I won’t reply for a while.

My advice is to communicate when issues like this arise. If they’re a good friend they should be able to provide a good reason and/or solution to help. Just make sure to do the same yourself!

 

[tjo]

I thought I was the only one who had the mindset that not every friendship lasts forever... I agree. Over the years I've cut so many people off. My longest lasting friendship right now is with my irl best friend, who I've known since elementary. Longest lasting online friendship I had was... 3 or 4 years old. It's a bit pessimistic and maybe too much of me honestly, but I'm mentally prepared to cut anyone off the moment they rub me wrong. If I was in a one-sided friendship, I guess I wouldn't bother anymore. I feel like I'm the one who doesn't reach out to people, minus two or so friends, but I know the limits of when my behavior gets unacceptable.

I used to know a person who was obsessed with their online best friend. They've known each other for almost a decade but it was the most toxic friendship I've ever seen. They'd fight over trivial matters all the time and go as far as to emotionally abuse each other. I realized that they only kept in touch with each other because of their history. So yeah, forcing every friendship to last forever, no matter how amazing the friendship used to be, can hurt you.

I think you should be friends with people who truly care about you. They're there to support you and encourage you in the future and more importantly the present time. It's hard to find such good people, but it's much better to be close friends with one or two people than have many acquaintances. That being said, you shouldn't worry about finding someone and forcing a friendship to work; it should come naturally. Just be yourself, and there will always be someone who loves you.

 

[_Rainy_]

I have object permanence because of my ADHD, which means if I don’t see it, it basically doesn’t exist. Not saying that I forget certain people’s existence exactly or that I don’t care because I do. It’s more like I forget easily because I get distracted with other things. I know that they’re important, but if I don’t have some sort of a visual reminder things tend to slip my mind. I try to remember to ask how people are, but sometimes it’s like I fall out of the habit because of whatever is going on in each other’s lives. Or I get shy and over think everything if we’ve started to talk less. I don’t usually judge people on how often they talk, more on quality and how genuine they’re being when we do talk and that’s all that matters to me. I’m usually harder on myself than I am with others.

 

[Xara]

i’ve found myself in a few one-sided and/or toxic friendships over the years and every single one hurt like a *****. but now, i feel like i’ve landed on the other side of the coin which,, doesn’t feel much better, either lol. i have quite a few online friends and i worry that they see our friendship as one-sided as i don’t reach out to them all that often. it’s not because i don’t want to or because i don’t care about them, i just.. idk. i worry about annoying/bothering them or if i’m going through a depressive episode which is far too often for my liking :/, socializing becomes even more impossible. i do my best to be a good friend and to not fall off the grid completely, i just fear that it’s not enough.

 

[tomatospooks666]

all the time, unfortunately, which is why right now i'm not even bothering at all with someone unless they prove to me they're worth the effort, which thus far nobody has.

 

[Violet Witch]

I get your frustration but I also encourage you to try and understand that not everyone finds it easy to make the first move when it comes to communication in friendships and relationships. I struggle with this a lot and sometimes overthink things (mainly that I'm bothering them or fear no response back) that just exasperates the length of time when it comes to talking to friends. It's an anxiety I've had for many years that I can't always shake off and it comes and goes like the waves crashing on a beach. Basically it sucks but I know I'm not the only one who goes through this constant motion when it comes to one of the many forms of social anxiety, that sadly hasn't been helped thanks to the pandemic.

 

[nyx~]

To be honest, all but like one of my irl friendships are like that. I understand with some because they have sports and stuff that keeps them busy but it kinda gets annoying to always be the one to invite ppl places or just randomly start a conversation. Over quarantine last year I gave up with always being the one to start smth and because of that I lost contact with majority of my friends, but I'm not rly upset about it cause it showed me it was one sided. It just kinda hurts to think that I put so much effort into keeping a friendship alive and then I get nothing in return. I understand if you're busy but is it rly that hard to send a random text every once and a while?

I understand the point that it's hard for ppl to start conversations, but I'm straight up horrible at smalltalk and I still do it to check in on my few friends. If you never start anything it feels like you're not trying stay friends, or at least that's how I felt in past experiences.

 

[daringred_]

i'm one of those people who struggles with communication and holding long conversations. i can devolve into short, one-worded replies semi-quickly if the topic isn't my hyperfixation which i know sounds narcissistic and like i don't care, but the truth is that i just never know how to respond. that being said, i've always tried my best, and i'm still the one who tends to put in "more effort". a few years ago, i started a groupchat for myself and a couple of friends in a fandom. it was great fun at first, but i had to delete it within a year because i was the only one actively trying to engage with people and start conversations. when i was still in highschool, my (abusive) ex-girlfriend very much exploited how much effort i was willing to put in for people i care about. i would buy her dozens of gifts, organize meet-ups, do her favors, pay for days out etc. but none of it was ever reciprocated. my best-friend around the time was the same. i was very lenient with her because her parents were disabled so, naturally, i didn't expect her to have a lot of money and was willing to pay for her when we went out etc. near the end of highschool, she lied to me about where she was going for college (which led to me changing where i planned to go -- a stupid choice, i know, but i was 15) and ghosted me after i tried to arrange a second meet-up for us during the summer involving her new friends if they were up for it. i haven't spoken to her since, and i found out through her facebook that she 'replaced' me with our mutual friend -- the fact that said mutual friend shares my first name only made it worse. none of my friends from college ever tried to stay in contact with me once we left either. i used to text the girl i was closest to, but she ultimately stopped replying. i don't think any of them even know i exist anymore.

i try not to think about it too much. i'm someone who will spoil the people i care about rotten, and it's resulted in me being taken advantage of multiple times. fortunately, my current girlfriend puts the same amount of effort into our relationship as i do. she is admittedly much better at comforting me than i am her, but that's partly why i spoil her with gifts -- to make up for being such an awkward/absent-minded/terrible conversational partner and never knowing what to say.

 

[nightglow]

Yes. More so in adult life. I feel like friendships kinda just happen out of convenience. You know, you happen to go to school together and see each other every day. Same way with work. But like, when things change, and you don't happen to run into them every day, it is like they don't really care to put forth effort in hanging out anymore or really talking for that matter. Kinda a sad thing, but I just figure that perhaps they have their own issues to deal with. With the internet and all now, it really isn't that hard to shoot a message to someone to chat now and then. So them having personal issues is the only thing I can think of that would be the reason. It's not like you have to take time out of your day to write a letter and pay for a stamp or something. However I am someone who doesn't have kids and I think things like that play a huge role. Alot of people only want to hang out if you also have kids for their kids to play with. Or if you are someone with kids, what I hear often is that all their friends who don't have kids don't want to hang out anymore.
If this is something that really bothers you, or you struggle with it, I think making online friends is a good approach, or just conversing in forums. There are lots of people online who want people to talk to because they feel that where they live no one is interested for one reason or another.

 

[sleepydreepy]

I think if some one reaches out more than the other that's fine, but what really matters to me is if both people are equally there emotionally or physically for the other when they need it.

For example, I had a "friend" who I would hang out with a lot in college. She would constantly ask me to do favors for her (like save some dinner for her from the dining hall when she would be out studying late) or lean on me emotionally when she was going through a hard time. This is all fine, I actually like doing these types of things for my friends. BUT what would really annoy me is that when I needed her support or asked her to do a favor for me, she was always "busy." That's what I would call a one sided friendship. Everything in that relationship was centered around her and what she wanted or needed, and no consideration or thought was given to me.