I need boy help, badly - will pay 30TBT!

[Corrie]

This is a BIG tl/dr but I am DESPERATE right now. I literally will pay anyone who gives me a legit response 30TBT for reading all of this and helping me.

So there's this guy at work (let's call him Pat) who liked me. At the time when he asked if I wanted to go out, I had a bf so I kindly turned him down and told him that I was already taken. He continued to chat with me as friends but eventually I started falling for him. It was awkward because I already had a bf so I was torn with what to do. I decided to "test the waters" and see if perhaps I was better suited with Pat than my bf. So I told my bf that I wanted to take a break for a while since truthfully, I wasn't feeling the connection anymore, most likely because I was too "obsessed" with Pat but who even knows.

So Pat and I hung out and stuff but we both didn't have the same interests really (besides sexual stuff like sexting) and both of us didn't see ourselves in a relationship so we both agreed to just stay friends instead. The only thing we really bonded over was sexual stuff which was a bad thing. He would ask me for nudes but I'd say that I wasn't comfortable with sending them. He would beg me over and over constantly but I would still say no.

I ended up getting back together with my old bf and we patched up the "lost connection" issue so things were good between him and I as well. Pat though, continued to sext me and instead of replying, I told him that I felt weird about sexting back because I got back together with my other bf. He seemed okay with it and said that he understood. However, whenever we would chat, somehow it would go back to the sexting and asking for nudes. I got really fed up with it and said that if he truly cared about me and not just my body, he would stop asking me and he apologized and said that he does care about me and he doesn't know why he's acting like that.

One day I got into a fight with my parents and therefore had to take the bus to work. I was really stressed out and upset that day and Pat noticed and asked what was up. I told him the whole situation and he kindly offered to give me a ride home. On the ride, he tried to kiss me but I said to stop and he did. I was freaking about because he almost made me cheat on my bf. He then apologized for it and admitted that he thinks I'm really "sexy" and that's why he tried to do it. I then got home that night and told my bf everything, even the part where I liked Pat and whatever else. I felt SO guilty and he ended up getting pissed at Pat for trying to kiss me. He didn't even want Pat and I to be friends, which is understandable. He ended up not talking to me for a while because he was angry that I would still want to be friends with someone who tried to ruin our relationship. He forgave me though and I told him that it wouldn't happen again so he agreed to letting Pat and I still be friends.

I felt awkward after the whole situation and didn't answer Pat's messages for a few weeks to try to get over my crush on him. I should have told him why but it would have sounded pathetic so I didn't. He stopped trying to talk to me so I slowly got over the whole situation and my crush on him faded.

I didn't go to work in around a month due to not being scheduled and Pat messaged me asking me if I quit my job. I told him that I just hadn't been scheduled to work in a while. He then thought I had quit my job due to what happened between him and I. I assured him that I'm not upset or anything and that I don't hate him. He continued to claim I hated him even when I told him I honestly didn't. It was confusing.

A few weeks later, I noticed that he started avoiding me at work and not answering my messages. Concerned I did something wrong, I gave him some space.

A week later, (yesterday) it was his birthday so I thought it would be nice to wish him a happy birthday since he did the same to me during mine. He then responded with "you're making me feel guilty for ignoring you." So that confirmed that he was ignoring me so I then asked him why he was ignoring me so that I could fix whatever I did wrong. He began pouring out all of these feelings that seemed to contradict each other so I just got more and more confused.

He said things like "Part of me wishes I stuck it through with you. Part of me doesn't know why I decided not to."
"I was thinking about things after how you expected that I wanted sexual things and how annoyed I was at that. (I never actually knew that made him angry) And you said you were trying to make things better between you and whatever (meaning my bf). That just kind of irk'd me. But I know you tried to play innocent hard. As if you did nothing wrong."

I then told him about how my bf and I got in a huge argument and he got angry at me so I didn't try to play innocent whatsoever since it was my fault for going after him while I was in a relationship and toying my bf's feelings like that.

His response was "Good. You could have been mine. I'm kinda dumb."

To that I was like... "okay, what's going on?" and he responded with "I'm just being honest with you I guess."

I was SO lost. That's where I got confused. Does he still like me? After all, he was the first one to say that he was no longer interested in me and whatnot. I was really confused.

He then said "It's frustrating because we have a very sexual connection but not much after that." Which was true, whether I liked to admit it or not.

Whenever he would say he cared about me, I would say that I didn't believe him due to the fact that he always asked for nudes. I never knew that actually ticked him off. He never told me it did so that was news to me. So I began to feel bad for not believing him or trusting him. So I told him that I now believed that he does care about me.

To that he said "I do. It almost makes me mad that I do."

I asked why it made him mad and he said "Mad that I still care when you and I won't happen in a casual (meaning friends with benefits) or romantic way." I told him that we can still be friends without either of those things and he said "But the sexual tension" which he was referring to the fact that we connected sexually and by that I mean that we DID do one sexual thing. It was light, clothes stayed on, so it wasn't huge but apparently it affected him a lot.

He then said that he was frustrated that I said I would send nudes someday (I said someday after him begging and begging me, just to get him to shut up about it but it backfired on me in a bad way) and haven't yet. I admitted that I was actually considering it but then I said that I decided against it because I felt like he just wanted me for sex. He said "I did and didn't." I was confused at that but decided to just let it go.

He then admitted "I feel guilty because I want you but maybe I don't. You're sexy and you're super nice, I don't really have a choice either way but still."

I felt really weird so I said "I don't really know what I'm supposed to do to make you feel better." and he said "stay with whatshisface."

Later on in the convo he was saying that he missed me and when I asked him which way he said "both ways." One was referring to sex, obviously but I wasn't sure what the other one was referring to.

So yeah, that's basically it. This is why I want to be able to read people's minds. What the heck is going on with this guy? I want to say "forget him, he's just into you for sex! FLEE!" but I start to feel guilty because maybe he's not. Maybe he genuinley likes me as a friend but just so happens to think I'm sexually attractive. I'm not sure. I'm so torn. Should I still be friends with him or just drop him? Does he actually still like me and he's literally torn at his emotions and jealous that I'm back with my bf? I have no idea.

Any ideas?

 

[Aesthetic]

oh my god

just be straight up with him

you don't like him, you have nothing in common apparently

he sounds like a pissbaby

 

[Ichigo.]

i don't get it. if you're not interested in him, can't you just turn him down?? or are you interested in him? cause he sorta sounds like a loser.

 

[Acruoxil]

Those are some MAJOR red flags. He's pretty much just after you body. He's definitely jealous you got back together with the bf, but really, he's just being some super creepy guy who wants to have sex with you. If he really did care about your emotions then a) he wouldn't have tried to even get together with you or make you cheat and b) saying stuff like "you just seem very sexy" or pushing you to send nudes would only mean one thing.

Your best bet would be to break all contact with him, and if he tries anything funny, go for the cops. Tell your bf everything about him; hopefully he'll keep you away with the guy. If needed be, quit your job.

 

[himeki]

I've read what you said, and honestly I have one thing to say.

Neither of them deserve you.

You seem like a genuinely honest person, and since you said you didn't feel the connection between you and your boyfriend, you honestly asked to have some time away. Pat seems like he genuinely only is in it for the nudes and sexts, and if your boyfriend wont let you be friends with who you chose, then he's being to controlling of your life and you should let him go. Obviously I'm no expert on this, and you are a better judge of yourself then I am, so hopefully you'll be able to make the right desicion. You were honest to both men, and if they don't accept it then its their fault not yours.

I hope you feel better soon!

 

[Bowie]

First of all, don't send me anything for this. I don't want anything. Thanks.

Right, so, you wanna know what I think? Honey, run for the hills. If this guy is going after you, nagging you for nudes all the time and sexually harassing you (I know it's harsh, but that's what it would be defined as), you need to let this guy go and give him space. He sounds troubled. I'm not saying he's a bad person, but he needs help, I think. I mean, I'm quite a sexual person myself, but there's a limit.

You're with someone now, and the sexual tension he speaks of can't get in the way. If it will, you have to go separate ways, completely. You can't blame yourself for how he feels. He's a troubled man and it's not your fault for whatever happens. Offer your support, but don't do a thing he pressures you to do.

If I was in your position, I would try to stay friends and see how things went, and if they didn't work out, I'd gradually start ignoring him or tell him straight. I'd normally just tell people straight how I feel about them, but I obviously wouldn't want to make him feel bad about himself.

But if I put myself in his shoes, and I was a friend to somebody I found sexually attractive, I'd feel pretty darn jealous. I can almost relate to him in that way. I think he wants to be with you still, but he's so sexually active that it would end even if you did go with him.

My advice, at the end of the day, is to stand the test of time with this guy. Carry on as friends, but as soon as the subject of sexual tension comes up, drop it instantly. Either make an excuse that you have to go, or say you don't want to talk about it, or maybe let him talk to you about how he feels, and then just have a normal, friendly conversation about exactly what you've shared with us here.

Good luck.

 

[Albuns]

Well, unless he does something extreme, stay with your current bf. He seems like the more mature person.
The dude crushing on you seems desperate to make you stay, most likely with the ulterior motive of seeing your nudes if he's so insistent on it.

Stay friends with him, give him some time to reflect on his actions. If he gives up asking for nudes and tries to be more straightforward in his words, stay his friend. If not, leave him. He needs the time by himself.

Also, has he ever complimented you on more than just outer appearances? Perhaps your creativity or intelligence? If he affects your life in a negative way for a while, through constantly whining to you or otherwise, it may be best to drop him.

I'm sorry, I'm not really the best when it comes to helping with relationships. But hopefully this gives a bit to look at about his character and what he's really like.

 

[Kawaii Cupcakes]

He sounds kinda sick, but I get that you don't want to hurt his feelings, and to be honest if I was you I would also be very lost on what to do. If it's possible, you should try getting a new job and changing your number because staying away from him sounds like the best thing to do right now, he probably cares about you but if its to the point where he makes you uncomfortable I suggest staying away from him because the awkwardness will never fades
also another thing to keep in mind is that in your story he never said anything like "I love how intelligent you are" or smth he just wants your body and not your thoughts (even though it seems that he doesn't... he probably does)
As long as you're with your boyfriend who loves/cares about not because of how you look or through how sexy you are then he's the right person to stick to because he'll be your best friend in the long run, and he seems like he cares about you a lot

 

[kayleee]

Okay first of all how old are you because if you are a minor it is illegal for you to send nudes and for him to have them if/when he is no longer a minor so keep that in mind

Secondly this guy sounds like a douche so I'm not even sure why you want to be friends with him?? You said yourself you have no common interests besides physical attraction. That's not a basis for a relationship OR a friendship. I would tell this guy to **** off

And also he's sexually harassing you whether you see it that way or not so you could contact HR through your job and have them do something about it

But also tell him to **** off I'm not sure why it's taken you so long to do that

 

[Taj]

OK so I see a bunch of bad signs in this scenario, but trust me, I'm a boy and the same thing happened with two girls. Well similar, but not exact

If your bf wants to control your relationship with Pat then I suggest you don't go for him. You have the freedom of right and you have your own voice to stand up too him. If you feel intimitaded by him that's the red flag he's not for you.

Pat's problem is the sexting. If he really does care about you put him to the test and try. But if he begins to pressure you about the nudes you need to back off and tell him it's over.

I know how boys work and let me tell you I kinda feel shamed to be one.I've never really sexted but I don't wanna find out. Because I'm 16.

I really hope all goes well for you

 

[Acruoxil]

Okay first of all how old are you because if you are a minor it is illegal for you to send nudes and for him to have them if/when he is no longer a minor so keep that in mind

Secondly this guy sounds like a douche so I'm not even sure why you want to be friends with him?? You said yourself you have no common interests besides physical attraction. That's not a basis for a relationship OR a friendship. I would tell this guy to **** off

And also he's sexually harassing you whether you see it that way or not so you could contact HR through your job and have them do something about it

But also tell him to **** off I'm not sure why it's taken you so long to do that

Solid, straight to the point advice. I'd go with this.

 

[kayleee]

Like he's literally trying to make you feel guilty for not responding to or reciprocating his unwanted sexual advances. If that's not the biggest red flag that he's an absolute p.o.s than I don't know what is. why are you wasting your time

 

[kenna]

I would stay with your current bf. There are a lot of sketchy things with pat, like him asking for nudes knowing you're in a relationship already. He seems obsessive and clingy tbh. Almost sleazy too.

 

[ZetaFunction]

First off, I'm a guy, but I'm only 15 so for me, no connections with a girl or if I don't like her personality or thoughts then that's a big turn down for me. Also, since I'm so young (and I don't know how old you Pat and your old bf are), my advice probably won't be the best.

From what it seems, he's just using you for his own personal desires. (sorry if that sounds blunt or bad but that's what it sounds like to me) In which case, slowly back away so it doesn't get into something big or just stop altogether and avoid him at all costs if it's really bothering you. His desires are likely never going to be stopped, and if he keeps it up, call the cops, tell your parents, etc. How old are you guys anyway??? If he's young, then like kayleee said it's illegal, and y'all shouldn't even be thinking about doing sexting or anything like that.

Now, you also have the other side of the coin: he might actually care about you deep down, but he might have "lost his control" when he sees you because the desire is too strong if you know what I mean? In which case, you really can't do much. If you try helping him, the desire will kick in, something bad might happen, etc etc. But at least in this case, if you try to get him some help if you know what I mean, he might change (let's be hopeful now) and for the better too.

Either way, the best choice would be to probably avoid him slowly until he fades out of your life, so you don't have to worry about the anxiety and stress of it all. I've dealt with enough teenage drama to know that when it gets too big, just walk away from it all, even if it means not talking to your friends much or not to all of them, and waiting for the fire to cool down. Like I said though, my advice probably isn't the best, kayleee's is straight to the point.

 

[supercataleena]

**Btw this is coming from a 21 y/o who knows what she's talking about and has played the circle game with men all the time. It doesn't stop with one guy. You'll always get future Pats. Say no to the Pats. I've stayed loyal to my boyfriend for 4 years deflecting this B.S. guys do. Don't fall for it. Stay true to who you are. You're a strong, confident woman who takes no sleezy, horrible advances in affection.**
GUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURL..
Any man who is in "love" with you and asks you for nudes constantly isn't in love with you.
You even said yourself you guys didn't have anything in common. Why are you still after this guy?

I would have never broke up with my boyfriend to be with a guy I barely know and who just finds me sexually attractive.

Here's something I want you to know. All guys find girls hot. Why? Sex. They wake up living, breathing for sex.

The relationship you have with your boyfriend is so much more stronger than that. You need to be strong and stay loyal to him. Hell, if I did what you did I would never tell my boyfriend. There's a time and place for everything and telling your boyfriend about your feelings for Pat will just make your boyfriend not trust you anymore. It's so hard to gain back that trust after you've broken it.

Pat is always going to go after you. You gave him a taste and now doesn't know the meaning of "no". He's no gentleman. He's a pig. He has 0 personality in my opinion.

It was better when you didn't talk to him. Leave it that way and go back to being acquaintances. It's okay if you guys ignore each other since Pat just wants to stick it in you and needs to go away to think about other things.

You're going to be confronted with a lot of men in your life. And they're going to say you're beautiful and how smart/funny you are. They'll do anything to get in your pants. They're probably even going to be x10 smarter and handsomer than your boyfriend. What you need to realize is that your boyfriend is the one who knows you the best and accepts you fully for who you are. No one can replace that. If you aren't happy with your relationship, you need to break up and stop wasting his time.


Believe me, I know where you're coming from. It's hard to not want to see the greener side of the fence, especially when you connect with someone in such a unique way it's difficult to say no. But you need to say NO. Don't be nice to guys who want your V. If they're nice guys they'll stop. If they aren't accepting no for an answer that means it's even more important to say no.


Another note I'd like to add is this is why you don't pursue guys when you're in a relationship. It isn't so much because you don't know the person, but that person will fall madly in love with you. By you letting yourself be available to ALL AND ANY GUYS they think they have a chance with you. You hurt Pat and your boyfriend because you were selfish. The hurt they feel is your fault. Men are idiots when it comes to boobs. You need to say no, not just for yourself, but so you don't break their hearts later down the road.

 

[lizzy541]

it seems like you got the advice you needed from everyone so i won't repeat anything since i think the point got across.
but one last thing, you need to realize that there are better guys out there for you. your current bf seems fairly understanding but you seem to not have as much connection as you used to. remember feelings sometimes burn out, so don't feel like breaking up would be the worst thing in the world. find someone who understands you and loves you for who you actually are!! if your current bf is exactly that then i'm glad you found that someone. i hope everything works out and you stop talking to pat, bc people like him don't deserve your time whatsoever.

 

[Corrie]

I'm sorry, I should have stated this but I have no intention of dating him, I just want to be friends. I just don't want to be friends with someone who uses/used me. I wanna be sure I'm friends with people who actually care about me.

I'm 19 and he's 24 and my bf is 18.

I'll respond to everyone shortly, I just have to get my crap together. Thank you so much for all of your responses so far.

 

[Damniel]

Simple answer: Stop talking to him.

 

[HHoney]

Main advise: QUIT YOUR JOB. Find a new job. ASAP.

Pat wants one thing - your body. Not you. But he knows he has to talk to you in order to get your body.

He will never give you what you want. He will never love you. He is incapable of what true love is.

This guy, while he may seem nice, is a total creep. And if he doesn't get what he wants, who knows what he might do?

He kisses you against your will. In a car. What if he drove you to a secluded place where you don't know where you are? What would he force you to do?

You think he is nice now, but he is being a pussycat, being patient with his prey.

This is serious. Watch out.
Remove all contact. Change your phone number.

As soon as he finds a new girl to prey upon, you'll be out of the picture.

I am serious. I have been in your exact situation, and worse. Much, much worse.

Stay safe.

 

[supercataleena]

Okay, just in case, I don't think you're going to do this, but just in case you do. Don't quit your job, if you do decide to quit your job make sure to find another one to replace it and then quit. It isn't like you and Pat weren't friends before. Obviously, contacting the police just because a guy is asking for your nudes is ridiculous. The police have better things to do lol.. It isn't like he's stalking you and cutting your hair while you're sleeping. The police deal with more serious things than guys asking for nudes. If you were underage, yes, then the police would get involved since that's definitely against the law. But you're a legal adult. Also, everyone here saying she needs to quit her job, change her number, and call the police on him are obviously children.

Calling HR is a more realistic option if he persists after refusing many times. Get lots of proof too.

Just stay in your job. He's been ignoring you for awhile right? He can keep ignoring you. He at least has SOME "respect" for you in that way. I bet if you told him you guys can't talk anymore he'd respect that decision. If he doesn't? Tell him you'll contact HR.