I need boy help, badly - will pay 30TBT!

[kayleee]

I'm sorry, I should have stated this but I have no intention of dating him, I just want to be friends. I just don't want to be friends with someone who uses/used me. I wanna be sure I'm friends with people who actually care about me.

I'm 19 and he's 24 and my bf is 18.

I'll respond to everyone shortly, I just have to get my crap together. Thank you so much for all of your responses so far.

I can assure you that a 24 y.o male (who is of the age that he should know better but that's another topic entirely) acting like this guy does not want to "just be friends" with you. I still don't understand why you even WANT to be friends with him but my advice is: don't

 

[Ghost Soda]

He would ask me for nudes but I'd say that I wasn't comfortable with sending them. He would beg me over and over constantly but I would still say no.

Pat though, continued to sext me and instead of replying, I told him that I felt weird about sexting back because I got back together with my other bf. He seemed okay with it and said that he understood. However, whenever we would chat, somehow it would go back to the sexting and asking for nudes.

On the ride, he tried to kiss me but I said to stop and he did. I was freaking about because he almost made me cheat on my bf.

He continued to claim I hated him even when I told him I honestly didn't.

He then responded with "you're making me feel guilty for ignoring you." So that confirmed that he was ignoring me so I then asked him why he was ignoring me so that I could fix whatever I did wrong. He began pouring out all of these feelings that seemed to contradict each other so I just got more and more confused.

He said things like "Part of me wishes I stuck it through with you. Part of me doesn't know why I decided not to."
"I was thinking about things after how you expected that I wanted sexual things and how annoyed I was at that. (I never actually knew that made him angry) And you said you were trying to make things better between you and whatever (meaning my bf). That just kind of irk'd me. But I know you tried to play innocent hard. As if you did nothing wrong."

"Good. You could have been mine. I'm kinda dumb."

Whenever he would say he cared about me, I would say that I didn't believe him due to the fact that he always asked for nudes. I never knew that actually ticked him off. He never told me it did so that was news to me. So I began to feel bad for not believing him or trusting him. So I told him that I now believed that he does care about me.

Okay, you seriously need to dump this guy. I mean, stop hanging out with him, stop responding to his messages, just cut off all contact.

And don't delude yourself into thinking he cares about you, because he doesn't. A person who cares about you would respect your decisions and treat you like a human being. This guy keeps going after you and harassing you despite you telling him multiple times that you're taken and uncomfortable with his advances and then emotionally manipulates you into blaming yourself for this. This is not caring, this is abusive! I cannot stress this enough; CUT OFF ALL CONTACTS.

 

[ams]

Yeah, I'm glad everyone else who commented agrees - this Pat guy sounds disgusting. I hope you know it's very wrong for men to treat women the way he's treating you. It actually really scares me that you didn't immediately cut ties with him. If it had been me and I had been working with the guy I would have talked to my boss and gotten his ass fired for sexual harassment. Please don't maintain contact with him because honestly the extent of his harassment/abuse is only going to get worse.

 

[crystalmilktea]

Here's my advice as a 21 y.o. who has had multiple guys go after me while I was in a relationship (yay college and long distance...)

Since everyone here has been commenting about the sexual part of this - I'll leave it out.


And even with that, you need to cut contact with him. You don't necessarily need to quit your job, because Pat had no problem not contacting you and giving you your space until you wished him a happy birthday. Quitting your job only needs to happen if you try to cut ties, and he still persists and gets stalker-y. It sounded like he was able to respect that though, but YOU were the one who decided to connect back with him.

This is going to sound harsh, but you are part of the Pat problem as well. Frankly, you cheated emotionally while you were still in a relationship with your boyfriend. This isn't the end of the world, because I'm sure many people go through that especially when their relationship is getting rocky, but the more dire part is that you broke it off with your boyfriend to act on these emotions. Ask yourself: would you and Pat have progressed to more than just co-workers if you didn't decide to "test the waters"?

I'm not blaming you for Pat's actions, but showing you how much you can be in control of it. Like I brought up earlier, you were also the one to resume your friendship with Pat. I really think you should do what you did back then, and cut it off completely especially because you have wandering feelings for him. If you remain friends with him, it's temptation for you and it's also giving him the chance of getting in between you and your current relationship again. It seemed like he really believed you were going to leave your boyfriend for him, so in his mind, what's stopping you from doing it again?

You will feel guilty, but remember that this friendship started because you were unfaithful emotionally- it's a really hurtful and stabbing way to put it, but I think it's necessary for you to actually feel the need to cut it off with Pat. People have been commenting about how your boyfriend is being controlling by not wanting you to be friends with Pat- no, your boyfriend is not controlling. Pat and you have a emotional and sexual history, anyone would be uncomfortable with their significant other hanging out with someone who wants to have sex, and could very possibly (and already has, in your case) break up your relationship for their own gain.

Also, just girl talk - guys who like you but you don't like back can cause SO MUCH unneccesary drama. Your life is better off without them. If they can't deal with just being friends and seriously JUST BEING FRIENDS (none of that acting like friends, then complaining or secretly talking about how much they want to be with you), then they're out. You don't need to break off the friendship by making a huge announcement, just do it gradually e.g. a short reply to their msg after 3 days... 4... a week... never..... Make sure you show zero interest in the conversation.

Really, what would you lose if Pat was out of your life?

 

[Damniel]

You need to end it with Pat, stop talking to him in total. Yes he will feel bad but it's a lose lose situation. Stop talking with him will make him sad, but continuously talking to him will just toy with his feelings and hurt him even more in the end. Get those stupid second thoughts out of your head and just stop it once and for all with Pat, it's the best option out of a doomed situation. Talking to him and having tension while you were in a relationship was very stupid and reckless of you. Prevent any further pain and just stop being friend at all.

 

[ThomasNLD]

Weird ****.....

I think the only question which matters is what you want. I hear all this talk about what Pat wants from/with you, but by obsessing over it almost, it kinda makes me curious what your exact feelings for him are. His connection with you isn`t realyl strong on a friendship level, yet you were willing to stay in contact with him and give him chance after chance. Why? Why would you risk your relationship repeatedly over him and what the hell does that say about your relationship with your boyfriend?

I think your boyfriend deserves the respect of you figuring this out. You should ask yourself why you want him so much in your life. When you figure out what you feel for Pat, you can tell him that clearly and his respons will indicate what kind of connection (if there will be any after the talk) you both can share from then on. You both seem to be clueless to what you feel for eachother. Because if you felt truly 100% sure that all you feel for him was friendship, you would have made that clear to Pat long ago, so your bond could be on the right track again. Your honesty will help Pat to see things more clear and voice his feelings for you. He is confused and who wouldn`t be in his position. Well that goes for all three of you.

And yeah, guys like naked girls, when you tell him you might send one, ofcourse he will come back on it. But if you voice like you did that you are back with your boyfriend and don`t want to do that anymore, he should respect that, regardless of his feelings. Whether or not you want to put up with that, is up to you, but don`t forget that your willingness to accept Pat in that way, also is kinda a warning signal for your boyfriend, because he deserves more clearity from you that this chapter with Pat is over.

Oh and if considering, I don`t care about Bells.

 

[HHoney]

Okay, you seriously need to dump this guy. I mean, stop hanging out with him, stop responding to his messages, just cut off all contact.

And don't delude yourself into thinking he cares about you, because he doesn't. A person who cares about you would respect your decisions and treat you like a human being. This guy keeps going after you and harassing you despite you telling him multiple times that you're taken and uncomfortable with his advances and then emotionally manipulates you into blaming yourself for this. This is not caring, this is abusive! I cannot stress this enough; CUT OFF ALL CONTACTS.

And the best way to cut off all contacts is to find a new job. Dealing with HR can make you lose your job.

Again... I speak with actual personal experience with harassment in the workplace. And other situations.

Remove all chances of seeing him. Learn from this experience, and move on with your life.

 

[Damniel]

I believe all of us agree on one thing, stop talking to him.

 

[kayleee]

And the best way to cut off all contacts is to find a new job. Dealing with HR can make you lose your job.

Again... I speak with actual personal experience with harassment in the workplace. And other situations.

Remove all chances of seeing him. Learn from this experience, and move on with your life.

Okay but just up and quitting and looking for a new job is not realistic, especially if they are dependent on their salary

Like that is what HR is there for utilitze that first, quitting would be a last resort unless like your mental or physical well-being is in danger or something

 

[HHoney]

Okay but just up and quitting and looking for a new job is not realistic, especially if they are dependent on their salary

Like that is what HR is there for utilitze that first, quitting would be a last resort unless like your mental or physical well-being is in danger or something

HR is such a nice idea. So nice.

So when I was harassed at work by someone older than I was, but because he was employed there first, they didn't know what to do.

So they basically said deal with him, or quit.

Maybe her HR department is more well versed in how to deal with sexual harassment in the workplace.

Which no matter her feelings for him, is exactly what is happening in this situation.

Those who believe in HR have never actually gone to HR in any job.

 

[kayleee]

M

HR is such a nice idea. So nice.

So when I was harassed at work by someone older than I was, but because he was employed there first, they didn't know what to do.

So they basically said deal with him, or quit.

Maybe her HR department is more well versed in how to deal with sexual harassment in the workplace.

Which no matter her feelings for him, is exactly what is happening in this situation.

Those who believe in HR have never actually gone to HR in any job.

Yes because your experience with HR at your job is exactly how it happens everywhere else every time ever no exceptions

Like wtf are you saying sorry you had a bad experience but telling someone to quit their job over this instead of trying to go through HR first is ridiculous. I've gone to HR before and had no problems so your personal experiences do not define how everyone else's will be sorry to break it to ya

 

[HHoney]

M

Yes because your experience with HR at your job is exactly how it happens everywhere else every time ever no exceptions

Like wtf are you saying sorry you had a bad experience but telling someone to quit their job over this instead of trying to go through HR first is ridiculous. I've gone to HR before and had no problems so your personal experiences do not define how everyone else's will be sorry to break it to ya

It isn't just once.
And it isn't just me.

It totally depends on the workplace.

No, I'm not just going off of one personal experience. I have had a lot of friends, female friends in very similar situations.

Have you gone to HR and said to them "this co worker is asking me for nude pictures of me?"

And your HR took care of things nicely? And the guy totally stopped and apologized? Really? And after that everything was ok? And he was always a gentleman?

Talk about an awkward situation.

She asked for advice. I am giving it. This is a serious situation with an unstable coworker asking for nude photos, and pressuring her for nude photos of herself.

I have given my advice. You can give yours kayleee. She can decide.

Wishing everyone peace love and happiness. And fluffy puff hugs!!!

 

[Shirohibiki]

im actually disgusted by the victim blaming here done by two people

cheated emotionally

forgive me, but that is the biggest amount of bull**** ive ever heard in my life. feelings arent something that you can necessarily help. they HAPPEN. she didnt "Cheat Emotionally" because it was not something that could be helped in the goddamn first place. stop trying to make her feel even more guilty for something she couldnt control. she DIDNT cheat, she even broke it off with her bf to try things out and see how it went. our actions are what define us.

and no, i think being dishonest to your boyfriend as supercataleena suggests is unnecessary -- if you start feeling something for someone else, you should tell your partner and see what you can do about it. usually its probably best to distance yourself from that person -- as you already did. honesty is key, and again, feelings arent really something that can be helped, so though they may feel hurt or jealous, it needs to be resolved maturely. if it cant be resolved maturely then perhaps the person wasnt right for you in the first place.

please just stop trying to blame her for someone else's unrelenting harassment of her. if she had actually cheated, then it would be an issue. emotional cheating is not a thing.

as others have stated, get away from pat, he seems like hes only going to continue to harass you.

(forgive me for being rude -- i just really do not see any reason to blame her as she did not do anything wrong)

 

[contententity]

tbh pat sounds like a manipulative man-child

maybe he's not being manipulative on purpose and that's just part of being a manbaby


your bf sounds like a pretty chill dude, letting you stay friends with someone who's got a huge boner for you. if there are no other problems in your relationship with him, keep him and ditch pat. like seriously, just forget about that other guy. why would you ruin something with someone who is already committed to you and in love with you to someone who *maybe* wants to commit to you? nah dude.

ditch him as in block his phone number and dont talk to him at all except to tell him to **** off. he should have backed off the very first time you said no to sending nudes, instead of trying to get em out of you anyway. sounds super rapey.

 

[AkatsukiYoshi]

My opinion is this:

Your current bf seems like a very nice and mature person. You may have lost connection with him at first, but in the end he forgave you and he decided to let you stay friends with Pat despite the fact that Pat was destroying your relationship. It really shows that your bf truly cares for you and supports you no matter what.

As for Pat, I think that he only cares about your body and nothing else. Even though he says he understands, the truth is that he is still pestering you for nudes anyways no matter how many times you declined him. If he truly understands how you feel he should've just stopped asking the first time you said no to him. I understand that you don't want to hurt his feelings though. His comments do contradict each other so you can try to help him as his friend. However, you should also tell him that if he mentions anything with sexting or nudes you would end your friendship with him. You can also report him to HR all about the sexual harassment that has been happening to you. You shouldn't blame yourself for any of this. All of this is Pat's fault anyways. Try to help him if you can, but worst case scenario is that he has to help himself.

I hope my advice helps

 

[tui]

finding a new job is easier said than done, so if you do still have to work at the same place as him, is a possibility for you to have a word with your manager and request being put on a different shift with him, and if that not possible, try and avoid him and stay around others so that he can't corner you or start a conversation with you.

the apologies he made after asking for nudes? not genuine, as this guy can clearly only see you in that way - you may want to be friends, but he won't be able to get over his attraction whether it be entirely for you or just your body. this is the kind of stuff i'd expect to see from a 16 year old, rather than a 24 year old man. it's nice having someone feel attracted to you and you've done a really good job at not manipulating that as you could've easily done so, but for both of your sakes in the long run try to cut contact entirely, because the way it looks if you stay friends he'll never be able to get over you.

whatever you do, i wish you luck and hope you get the outcome that's best for you!

 

[crystalmilktea]

im actually disgusted by the victim blaming here done by two people

cheated emotionally

forgive me, but that is the biggest amount of bull**** ive ever heard in my life. feelings arent something that you can necessarily help. they HAPPEN. she didnt "Cheat Emotionally" because it was not something that could be helped in the goddamn first place. stop trying to make her feel even more guilty for something she couldnt control. she DIDNT cheat, she even broke it off with her bf to try things out and see how it went. our actions are what define us.

and no, i think being dishonest to your boyfriend as supercataleena suggests is unnecessary -- if you start feeling something for someone else, you should tell your partner and see what you can do about it. usually its probably best to distance yourself from that person -- as you already did. honesty is key, and again, feelings arent really something that can be helped, so though they may feel hurt or jealous, it needs to be resolved maturely. if it cant be resolved maturely then perhaps the person wasnt right for you in the first place.

please just stop trying to blame her for someone else's unrelenting harassment of her. if she had actually cheated, then it would be an issue. emotional cheating is not a thing.

as others have stated, get away from pat, he seems like hes only going to continue to harass you.

(forgive me for being rude -- i just really do not see any reason to blame her as she did not do anything wrong)

I know you're talking to me, you could've just quoted. Emotional cheating is real (quick google search wow so many results), and I did say that probably happens to a lot of people. Like you said - if you start feeling for someone else you need to talk to your partner about it and distance from that other guy. The first time, she broke it off to get closer to Pat. People make mistakes, and we need to acknowledge them to learn from them (which she is doing now by repairing her previous relationship) instead of saying "I did absolutely nothing wrong!".

Anyways, I wasn't victim-blaming, rather I noticed that she did do the right thing before, but then got bothered that he was ignoring her so she re-involved herself with him so she could "fix everything". She needs to stop feeling responsible for his feelings, and want NOTHING to do with him rather than continue to wonder if he still likes her as she said in her final sentence. I really did not see anyone blaming her for the harassment. There's a huge difference between blaming her for Pat's actions, and pointing out her fault of returning to Pat after breaking it off with him just because he said he was ignoring her.

 

[supercataleena]

-snip-

It wasn't my intention to make her feel guilty. Everything I said is something I have accumulated from seeking advice dealing these type of aggressive men. I think she's a smart girl and has honest intentions. I do see her as the one who's the victim of perverted, in every sense of the word, men. This may or may not be her first encounter with a pervert. I don't know. But, I'm all around mad at Pat for being a naive boy who hasn't grown up yet. But Pat is Pat. That guy is lucky to have even held her hand. Unfortunately, she can't control Pat, but she can control herself so she protects herself from these type of people.

You make it sound like controlling your emotions is a bad thing. Especially when it deals with a boy like this. I have been flattered by men before and tempted to pursue them because of their amazing swooningness. I thought I was in love, MY EMOTIONS, my body, said I was in love, but I control myself and say no. Because those immediate emotions aren't love, they're lust/affection. Those are fleeting emotions while love stays forever. I feel it's more important to maintain your love even if it means being "dishonest" about those fleeting emotions.

You may think that those fleeting emotions are worthy enough to break off a loving relationship but they're not. Not to me. Sounds like a waste of someone you already invested in. Plus, sharing this with your boyfriend would just be horrible. "Hey that guy who I work with who's always complimenting me? I kind of have feelings for him. I hope you're comfortable with me going to work with him still :>" Lol Hell no. You're going to freak your boyfriend out!! He won't want you anywhere lol. You're needlessly stress him out just because your heart fluttered for a second from another guy.

Also, it isn't dishonest if you never tell your boyfriend. Now you may think "but you were attracted to someone else?! you aren't truly in love with your boyfriend then!" No, that isn't how it works. Love is so much deeper than that I can't even put it to words..lol

Maybe I came off rough because when I wanted to send a clear message that guys are idiots who need girls to control them or else they'll just do whatever because they know you're susceptible to their flattery. Once they know what makes you "happy" they'll use that constantly against you. That's why you need to be a solid case of emotion. Like Avatar status when he goes into the cave with the spooky face monster who steals your face when you display the slightest of emotion.
Don't be like Will Ferrel

Don't let men see you're in a fragile glass case of emotion ): they'll take advantage of that

 

[MozzarellaSticks]

Regardless, Pat is not the guy for you. He doesn't respect you. At al. Look at what he does. It's all selfish. He keeps asking for nudes when you repeatedly say no, he tries to kiss you when you clearly don't want it, he tries to make you feel guilty for respecting your boyfriend. He's a manipulator that only cares about himself. Not the type of guy you want any sort of relationship with. Has he shown you any respect at all for your wishes and your feelings? Think about it. He acts wounded, and dismiss any idea of how you were affected by his actions. He wants you to feel guilty.

That said, you partially are guilty. You should not have continued talking to him when you and your boyfriend got back together. Especially if he kept trying to solicit nudes and sext. It was clear then what he wanted, but you kept talking to him. Your boyfriend is right to be mad here. You basically emotionally cheated on him. I understand that it's hard to let manipulative people go. They always make you feel sort of obligated and bad about trying to leave. But you have to let them go. You need to cut this guy out. It'll be awkward since you work with him, but he's not showing any positive traits. You have to step up, show him you're done playing his games.

 

[ApolloJusticeAC]

run, run like satan chasing you to go to hell.