Long-Distance Relationship/Breakup Advice

[your local goomy]

Daily update: I just got back from my appointment with my psychiatrist. There's good news and bad news, of course. She made changes to my medication to hopefully prevent something like this from happening again, which is always a good thing. However, she's pretty worried about me, which is the bad thing. Now she's keeping a closer eye on me after I explained everything that happened. She gave me that "you're young and have your whole life ahead of you" spiel, but honestly that doesn't mean much to me anymore. I'm just focused on not being in so much despair. He still hasn't responded, not even to my secondary number. But I said I'm done trying to contact him, so I won't anymore. Today is much better than yesterday, but I still wouldn't consider myself happy. That little ounce of hope that he'll contact me is the only thing keeping me afloat.

 

[Stikki]

Daily update: I just got back from my appointment with my psychiatrist. There's good news and bad news, of course. She made changes to my medication to hopefully prevent something like this from happening again, which is always a good thing. However, she's pretty worried about me, which is the bad thing. Now she's keeping a closer eye on me after I explained everything that happened. She gave me that "you're young and have your whole life ahead of you" spiel, but honestly that doesn't mean much to me anymore. I'm just focused on not being in so much despair. He still hasn't responded, not even to my secondary number. But I said I'm done trying to contact him, so I won't anymore. Today is much better than yesterday, but I still wouldn't consider myself happy. That little ounce of hope that he'll contact me is the only thing keeping me afloat.

Just wanted to say - well done on getting through this week, when these feelings were no doubt so intense. If you can find it in yourself to be even a little bit proud of yourself for that, then I highly encourage it. You've shown great strength and maturity in dealing with this, you did all the right things in helping yourself get through it, despite feeling so very sad. I'm honestly impressed by that.

Is there a particular worry with the psychiatrist keeping a closer eye on you?

 

[Croconaw]

Daily update: I just got back from my appointment with my psychiatrist. There's good news and bad news, of course. She made changes to my medication to hopefully prevent something like this from happening again, which is always a good thing. However, she's pretty worried about me, which is the bad thing. Now she's keeping a closer eye on me after I explained everything that happened. She gave me that "you're young and have your whole life ahead of you" spiel, but honestly that doesn't mean much to me anymore. I'm just focused on not being in so much despair. He still hasn't responded, not even to my secondary number. But I said I'm done trying to contact him, so I won't anymore. Today is much better than yesterday, but I still wouldn't consider myself happy. That little ounce of hope that he'll contact me is the only thing keeping me afloat.

Great job on getting through this week. I’m proud of you. My first advice is I’m begging by this healing process is to delete his number, and regardless of how difficult this may be, it’s the right thing to do for yourself. Not being able to contact him will help you start to feel better.

It’s okay to not consider yourself completely happy yet. Like I’ve said, it’s a process. Take one day at a time. You’ll feel better each day, with time.

 

[TheWildShadow55]

I can attest to what others are saying above, letting go is the best way to finally move on with someone and to stop allowing them to basically control/ruin your life

 

[Croconaw]

I can attest to what others are saying above, letting go is the best way to finally move on with someone and to stop allowing them to basically control/ruin your life

Letting someone live rent free in your mind does nothing for you. It only boosts that person’s ego. To stop relying on other people for your happiness is the way to go.

 

[your local goomy]

I'm skeptical with my psychiatrist keeping an eye on me because I do unfortunately suffer with paranoia, which is also why this breakup has been so hard on me. I know that legally she's not allowed to tell anyone what we discuss in our meetings, but I get panic attacks about my mother, who works in the call center, finding out about my feelings and getting angry with me, especially with her limited knowledge on the subject, especially with him being much older than me. That, and I just hate when people worry about me. I've been terribly sick all day and I'm reverting back to my previous state of despair.

I ended up getting rid of his number, which has also just brought me lower. Right now I'm just considering giving up on romance completely and choosing to live my life alone because of how naïve I am and all of my mental health problems. I'm not attractive irl and have been called ugly several times, so I never saw myself in a long-lastint relationship anyway. Someone who actually saw something in me just made me become too dependent. If all of my breakups are going to be like this, I might as well not even try anymore. I'm grateful for all of your support, but I understand if you want to quit. It just doesn't seem like I'm getting any better. It's been a week, I should be over him, but I'm not. I just made a full circle.

 

[Croconaw]

-

Your feelings are extremely valid. Never feel like they’re not. Taking time to focus on yourself is never a bad thing.

A fact is that words only have meaning if we give them meaning. Let’s say you’re wearing a blue shirt, and someone walks up to you and says “that’s an ugly white shirt.” — Well, you would look at them confused, because your shirt is blue. It’s the same deal with the word “ugly.” Ugly is an adjective like the color white. You don’t believe your blue shirt is white, so why believe your blue shirt is ugly?

First of all, attractiveness is a spectrum. Someone that I find attractive, you won’t necessarily find attractive. I can guarantee you that someone finds you attractive. We all have different opinions on what is or isn’t beautiful. We shouldn’t try to focus our energy on people that don’t find us beautiful.

“If all my breakups are going to be like this…” isn’t necessarily a good mindset to have. If at all possible, I’d lose this mentality because if you go into future relationships or future endeavors expecting the worst, you will get the worst. That’s just how the universe works. Negativity is bound to happen obviously… but if you think negative, more negative will happen. If you think positive, more positive will happen. We get from the universe what we put into the universe, if that makes sense.

 

[LadyDestani]

I apologize for jumping in late here, but I want to say that a week is definitely not long enough for you to be over someone you love. So you shouldn't beat yourself up about that. It's going to take a long time to move on. It could be weeks or months. But eventually, it will get better.

I am glad to see that you are getting help because I think you need some support in your life right now. It's terrible that you're going through this pretty much on your own. But I can see that there are many kind people here who have your back and are willing to listen and help you through this.

Break-ups are hard, and when you're already dealing with mental health issues, that's not going to make things any easier. So I'm just going to echo what others have already said: be kind to yourself. You deserve to be happy. You deserve love. And one day, I sincerely hope you find it.

 

[Stikki]

I'm skeptical with my psychiatrist keeping an eye on me because I do unfortunately suffer with paranoia, which is also why this breakup has been so hard on me. I know that legally she's not allowed to tell anyone what we discuss in our meetings, but I get panic attacks about my mother, who works in the call center, finding out about my feelings and getting angry with me, especially with her limited knowledge on the subject, especially with him being much older than me. That, and I just hate when people worry about me. I've been terribly sick all day and I'm reverting back to my previous state of despair.

I ended up getting rid of his number, which has also just brought me lower. Right now I'm just considering giving up on romance completely and choosing to live my life alone because of how naïve I am and all of my mental health problems. I'm not attractive irl and have been called ugly several times, so I never saw myself in a long-lastint relationship anyway. Someone who actually saw something in me just made me become too dependent. If all of my breakups are going to be like this, I might as well not even try anymore. I'm grateful for all of your support, but I understand if you want to quit. It just doesn't seem like I'm getting any better. It's been a week, I should be over him, but I'm not. I just made a full circle.

Ah yes, I see why that would worry you. It's already going to feel pretty intrusive to have someone like a psychiatrist in your life, especially with the anxiety about confidentiality. I would say it's unlikely, but ultimately that doesn't matter because it's how it makes you feel. I think you have therefore been very brave by opening up to the psychiatrist in the first place, given your feelings surrounding it.

Don't write yourself off at 19. You have soooo much time to find the absolute perfect person for you, I promise. I was with a much older guy at 19 too, he was 35 when we got together. He used to pull the disappearing act as a control method funnily enough, but that was maybe the least of my troubles with him in the end, but that's all pretty horrible and not really for here. I look back now and I'm glad I ended things when I did. I know it's a little different to be the one abandoned, when that's already something that troubles you so deeply, but I do hope and fully believe you'll eventually look back on all this someday and see it all differently. But I don't think anybody expects you to feel this way right now. Just definitely don't resign yourself to being forever alone yet!

You'll grow from this and learn more about yourself from it, and it's not the end. But right now you're grieving the loss of the relationship and that's going to take some time to heal from. I hope that in time you'll learn to love yourself more too as you seem so hard on yourself x

 

[your local goomy]

I'm sincerely sorry that this has devolved from me grieving over a lost relationship to a "goomy's depression and paranoia" thread, but trust me, you guys are helping and I can't thank you enough. I've been considering writing a short story to submit to my school's arts magazine, and I'm considering writing one about how I'm feeling with this breakup. Right now, I feel like the grief I'm feeling is a hydra. I cut one head off, three grow in its place. If I "get over" one aspect of him, three more things pop up to remind me of him. I need to aim for the heart rather than the head, but right now, I'm just not strong enough. Then, my own personal securities come in. What if I was too overweight for his tastes? Do I annoy him? Maybe I'm just a bad girlfriend...and before I know it, I'm down. Helpless. Nothing I can do anymore.

It could just be that today has been a bad day, with constant arguing with my mother, the fact that I'm a week away from going back to school, finding out I gained all the weight I lost back because of my awful eating and sleeping habits due to losing him, breaking my vintage sunglasses that I LOVED, and constantly checking my secondary phone to see if he replied to my practically begging messages. I'm at the point where I'm about to hide that phone from myself. His number's deleted, but I still check back for a reply. I'm not being cowardly and blocking him like he blocked me. But all of these things remind me of him. My mind tells me, "you would have taken this better if you were still together." And maybe I would have, I'm not sure. But like I said, it feels like when I take one step forward, I take three steps back. I understand that it's going to be a long process to fully heal from being abandoned like this, especially with my various hindrances. But right now, I just feel hopelessly in love with someone who will never come back, probably due to me spending my entire life thus far without really feeling love. I'm honestly just as heartbroken as I was a week ago. It takes time, but I just want the pain to be gone.

 

[coldpotato]

I'm sincerely sorry that this has devolved from me grieving over a lost relationship to a "goomy's depression and paranoia" thread, but trust me, you guys are helping and I can't thank you enough. I've been considering writing a short story to submit to my school's arts magazine, and I'm considering writing one about how I'm feeling with this breakup. Right now, I feel like the grief I'm feeling is a hydra. I cut one head off, three grow in its place. If I "get over" one aspect of him, three more things pop up to remind me of him. I need to aim for the heart rather than the head, but right now, I'm just not strong enough. Then, my own personal securities come in. What if I was too overweight for his tastes? Do I annoy him? Maybe I'm just a bad girlfriend...and before I know it, I'm down. Helpless. Nothing I can do anymore.

It could just be that today has been a bad day, with constant arguing with my mother, the fact that I'm a week away from going back to school, finding out I gained all the weight I lost back because of my awful eating and sleeping habits due to losing him, breaking my vintage sunglasses that I LOVED, and constantly checking my secondary phone to see if he replied to my practically begging messages. I'm at the point where I'm about to hide that phone from myself. His number's deleted, but I still check back for a reply. I'm not being cowardly and blocking him like he blocked me. But all of these things remind me of him. My mind tells me, "you would have taken this better if you were still together." And maybe I would have, I'm not sure. But like I said, it feels like when I take one step forward, I take three steps back. I understand that it's going to be a long process to fully heal from being abandoned like this, especially with my various hindrances. But right now, I just feel hopelessly in love with someone who will never come back, probably due to me spending my entire life thus far without really feeling love. I'm honestly just as heartbroken as I was a week ago. It takes time, but I just want the pain to be gone.

I think writing a short story could be really helpful to you, and I am sure it would wind up being great since you write your feelings so well.
The overthinking thing and feelings of hopelessness after a breakup is very normal (I have been through 4 breakups and it happens each time. It is a very painful part of the process). It will go away with time so long as you take steps to heal yourself and let go, and continue to work on moving on. Remember not every negative thought you have about yourself is true. Majority of the time it's the depression and low self esteem talking which are magnified by recently being abandoned. If you do strongly feel that a negative thought about you is true, that's okay too because nobody is perfect, and you always have the power to change anything negative about yourself if you want to. You are not powerless.

I also want to say that I don't think blocking his number would be cowardly. It could be an important part in your healing process. This may not work for everyone, but I do know that when I was abandoned by an ex, blocking him was a way of helping me let go and not be so obsessive. Much like you, I would check my phone constantly for a text, hoping for something and then being disappointed and depressed when I got a text and it was just spam or my phone provider texting me. It's a horrible place to be, hoping all day long and being let down. Sometimes for your own mental health it is better to block someone. You really have done all you can do and I encourage you to keep looking for ways to let go and to keep expressing your feelings to people who will support you.

 

[Stikki]

^Absolutely agreed with above. You should definitely write that short story. You really do write well, I mean that sincerely. You might even find it's a helpful way to express your emotions, by pouring out your feelings through your characters. All the best characters come from a personal experience and the most beautiful come from a place of pain. Given you already express your emotions so well, I think you'd be excellent at this.

 

[LadyDestani]

I also agree that writing a story could be very helpful. I've always found writing to be very cathartic and a great way to channel my negative emotions. Getting them out of my head and onto the paper usually leaves me feeling better. It won't take away the pain entirely, and as badly as you're grieving right now, I wouldn't expect a miracle, but if it eases your mind even just a little bit, then it's worth it.

 

[your local goomy]

With all of your advice, I definitely think I'm going to write the short story. I'm asking my friend who's associated with the school about a word limit, then it should be done by September. Of course, if I'm still in the mood to do it, that is. I had another episode today and now I'm left at another low. I'm not really in the mood to do anything right now. My increase in medications is making me sick until my body gets used to it, but unfortunately it makes me cranky as well...as I naturally get cranky when I don't feel good. I just feel terrible...again. I'm going to try and rest until I can recover, but it won't be easy. I have to keep going on around my family like nothing's wrong.

 

[Croconaw]

With all of your advice, I definitely think I'm going to write the short story. I'm asking my friend who's associated with the school about a word limit, then it should be done by September. Of course, if I'm still in the mood to do it, that is. I had another episode today and now I'm left at another low. I'm not really in the mood to do anything right now. My increase in medications is making me sick until my body gets used to it, but unfortunately it makes me cranky as well...as I naturally get cranky when I don't feel good. I just feel terrible...again. I'm going to try and rest until I can recover, but it won't be easy. I have to keep going on around my family like nothing's wrong.

It sucks having to pretend you’re fine when you’re not. I think writing things out is good. It lets you express your feelings to someone by not actually telling them. Sometimes keeping things to yourself is the better option, but you can still get your feelings out on a sheet of paper. Good luck with your short story.

 

[your local goomy]

Unfortunately, today isn't any different in terms of my mood, but people I've confided in have agreed that this will take time and that my sadness is justified, even if it hurts. I had yet another dream where he decided to talk to me again, which makes the pain even worse and makes me not want to sleep knowing that I'll have those dreams again and be sucked into another false reality. While I still hope to hear back from him, I'm starting to "clean up," if that's what you'd call it. I deleted a lot of stuff on my phone relating to him. Unfortunately, I had to get rid of beloved characters that I poured heart and soul into, but keeping them causes me too much pain. I've been taking your advice and trying to do things I enjoy...but right now I don't really enjoy doing anything. The days have just been a drag for me. I feel...dead, I guess. I put so much into this relationship, was so devoted to him, and now I'm left dealing with way more than I can handle.

 

[Stikki]

Unfortunately, today isn't any different in terms of my mood, but people I've confided in have agreed that this will take time and that my sadness is justified, even if it hurts. I had yet another dream where he decided to talk to me again, which makes the pain even worse and makes me not want to sleep knowing that I'll have those dreams again and be sucked into another false reality. While I still hope to hear back from him, I'm starting to "clean up," if that's what you'd call it. I deleted a lot of stuff on my phone relating to him. Unfortunately, I had to get rid of beloved characters that I poured heart and soul into, but keeping them causes me too much pain. I've been taking your advice and trying to do things I enjoy...but right now I don't really enjoy doing anything. The days have just been a drag for me. I feel...dead, I guess. I put so much into this relationship, was so devoted to him, and now I'm left dealing with way more than I can handle.

Yes exactly, your sadness is totally justified and it's gonna take time before you stop feeling sad. And it will take time and it won't be a sudden wake up and feel ok, but the intense sadness will pass. Then the joy you once took in things will slowly come back, even if it's towards different things. There's always hope in new beginnings, so cutting things out that bring out your unhappiness isn't a bad idea at all. It's a strong and smart move.

 

[Croconaw]

Yes exactly, your sadness is totally justified and it's gonna take time before you stop feeling sad. And it will take time and it won't be a sudden wake up and feel ok, but the intense sadness will pass. Then the joy you once took in things will slowly come back, even if it's towards different things. There's always hope in new beginnings, so cutting things out that bring out your unhappiness isn't a bad idea at all. It's a strong and smart move.

All sadness will heal with time. It won’t be instant. It’s a process, but we are all here for you, goomy. You’ve done all you could in this situation and it’s over. You have to let this go to make room for better things to come. Better things will come your way, and soon the pain you felt today will be a thing of the past.

 

[your local goomy]

I'm sorry that this isn't the progress anyone wanted, but with this being my last week before I head back to college, I'm getting worse and worse. It's very late for me, but I'm in bed dealing with my own paranoia and having another episode. I don't want to sleep because I know my dreams will torment me. lost my best friend of four years due to my poor mental health, and I'm going back completely alone and too afraid to ever make friends again. Not to mention the fact that I despise school. I genuinely worry that he hurt himself and I've considered doing things too graphic to describe on TBT today. I feel like the only part of me that was actually worth something is gone now. I try to take your advice as much as possible but losing him just has me so lost. All I can do right now is give up.

 

[Croconaw]

I'm sorry that this isn't the progress anyone wanted, but with this being my last week before I head back to college, I'm getting worse and worse. It's very late for me, but I'm in bed dealing with my own paranoia and having another episode. I don't want to sleep because I know my dreams will torment me. lost my best friend of four years due to my poor mental health, and I'm going back completely alone and too afraid to ever make friends again. Not to mention the fact that I despise school. I genuinely worry that he hurt himself and I've considered doing things too graphic to describe on TBT today. I feel like the only part of me that was actually worth something is gone now. I try to take your advice as much as possible but losing him just has me so lost. All I can do right now is give up.

I understand. I lost my best friend of four years. We just drifted apart, started talking less, and soon it was nothing. I’ve tried reaching out with no luck, so I kind of just gave up. I think friendships that long that just end abruptly can destroy a person. It took months for me to heal from the incident, especially since it was basically a ghosting and I had no real closure of what had actually happened.

Closure is very important, and I understand it might be difficult to move on without getting proper closure, but you just have to stay strong. The pain will pass eventually. You’ll think about him less and less each day. If you’re truly thinking about doing the things you indirectly mentioned, I strongly suggest telling your counselor. That’s never an easy thing to do, but the right thing to do is never easy. Sometimes we have to be strong. For now, you can talk to any one of us here on TBT. We will gladly listen to you. If talking will take your mind off it for even a few minutes, I consider that a small victory.