Long-Distance Relationship/Breakup Advice

[Stikki]

It's Tuesday, which is the day that I initially decided that I'd give up hope on him ever coming back and forgiving me. I'll still accept him if he comes back, but I'm no longer holding onto hope. Because of this, my depression has unfortunately hit a new low and I don't think I'll ever be able to forgive myself. I don't really think I'll ever be able to really "move on." I don't understand how you can just fall out of love with someone. I know he's not coming back, but I'm still so in love with him...and it hurts. That, and I've been abandoned so many times that I don't think I'll be able to ever trust anyone enough to let them into my life. I'm going back to school next Saturday, and considering that I have a single room for mental health reasons, along with being in a new building, it'll be easier for me to just stay there and not really leave. I already suffer from loneliness, but living alone is better than going through this again. Maybe I'm just thinking irrationally because of my incredibly poor eating and sleeping habits I've developed because of my grief, but right now I just don't feel that I deserve to ever have another friend, yet alone another s/o, because of what I did to him. I'm also fairly certain that I'm going to stop taking the medications. They're controlling my life, so I need to cut them out.

You sound so sad, to the point of despair. I wonder if there is at least someone irl who has noticed this? Maybe your mother? There's a lot of very intense feelings here that are no doubt causing you so much distress. I worry that you're very alone with this irl, which is hard, though I understand equally the want to withdraw from people anyway.

I don't know what meds you're on, but I think the general advice is don't just stop taking them suddenly in case it causes your body to go through withdrawal, which is the last thing you need right now. Can you talk to a doctor and explain what keeps happening? Have you been on these meds for long? I'm just thinking it takes about 2 weeks for meds to enter your system, but nearer 2 months before you really feel any different. Sadly people aren't always told what to expect with meds until you ask/raise concerns. It could be that you're reacting as expected to the meds as they get into your system, but you haven't been informed. But I suppose that depends if they're daily/regular meds vs as and when you need them. If you can, contact your doctor before stopping to let them know. They might even prescribe something different if you explain how you're finding the side effects.

I don't know how it all works outside the uk (national health service, woo!) but whilst there is the option of free counselling, the waiting lists are years long, so most people tend to find an alternative, like we have donation based options, usually run by a charity, so you can pay whatever you can afford. Is this something that even exists there? I understand your concerns about using the ones at college, but maybe think of it as a back up plan if you get very desperate.

Samaritans are uk based, but they do an email based service, totally anonymous that anyone from anywhere can use. You just send an email about your current situation to jo@samaritans.org and someone will email you back etc. It's not perfect as it's run by volunteers and you can't always guarantee on getting the same person ("Jo" is just the name they all use), but something to look into if you're really desperate. They don't keep files on you or anything. There might even be a more local and better suited organisation. Just sometimes in the moment it's hard to know where to turn.

And of course you have everyone here rooting for you! Glad you're still journaling your unhappy thoughts here, it's good that you can express yourself so well in writing and is probably helping you in a small way, that I hope will eventually help more and more.

 

[your local goomy]

Unfortunately, IRL I am quite alone and in despair. Both of my parents work long hours and already have job-related stress, not to mention them not knowing the full situation with my BF, so when they're home I usually just put on a happy face and keep all of my grievances to myself. My only IRL friend isn't much help because she tends to get angry with me when I act like this, to which my mom constantly tells me to leave her behind, but I...can't. Without her, I would be truly alone. She isn't the nicest to me and probably not a great choice of a friend, but at this point I've been abandoned by friends and partners so many times that I just keep sticking with her. I just don't want anyone to worry about me, so I keep it all in my writing, mostly a private journal of mine. If I were to tell anyone about this IRL, I'd just get accused of overreacting and told to get over it. No one thought that this relationship would work out due to distance anyway.

My medications have been a regular thing for months now. I started taking them in late 2020/early 2021, so they're definitely kicked in now. I'm on two different antidepressants, one being an SSRI that helps treat other conditions I suffer from, such as generalized anxiety and panic disorder. I've been on countless antidepressants within the past year, and I just settled with these two because I'm sick of all of the trips to the doctor's and all of the prescriptions. All I know is that I strongly believe the medications caused me to suffer from a blackout after hearing upsetting news put me into an overdrive of sorts, which is when I said everything I did to him. By the time I regained my memory, I was writing a presumably final note to my parents and he'd already blocked me. I've always felt messed up in the head, but after doing this to him, I feel even more guilty and constantly consider checking myself in a hospital because I feel like a threat to others. I'll talk to my doctor about it, but I I don't know what more she can do for me.

As for helplines, there are a few here in the US, and unfortunately, even with our bugged healthcare system, counselling has huge waitlists due to the pandemic and the country slowly shifting back to in-person sessions, at least where I live. The hospital a few minutes away is my only lifeline, mainly because I live in the middle of nowhere and I'm way too paranoid to leave the house on my own, let alone drive. I may have to do something over the phone or through email, but after going through excessive bullying I'm just terrified of getting judged or looked down upon. I'm just not sure which direction to head in right now. All I know is that I'm lovesick to the point of despair and paranoia. I understand that this is immature of me, with me being a young adult and treating this like some kind of teen drama, but I just don't know how to process this, nor do I know how to process the events that led up to it.

 

[Stikki]

Unfortunately, IRL I am quite alone and in despair. Both of my parents work long hours and already have job-related stress, not to mention them not knowing the full situation with my BF, so when they're home I usually just put on a happy face and keep all of my grievances to myself. My only IRL friend isn't much help because she tends to get angry with me when I act like this, to which my mom constantly tells me to leave her behind, but I...can't. Without her, I would be truly alone. She isn't the nicest to me and probably not a great choice of a friend, but at this point I've been abandoned by friends and partners so many times that I just keep sticking with her. I just don't want anyone to worry about me, so I keep it all in my writing, mostly a private journal of mine. If I were to tell anyone about this IRL, I'd just get accused of overreacting and told to get over it. No one thought that this relationship would work out due to distance anyway.

My medications have been a regular thing for months now. I started taking them in late 2020/early 2021, so they're definitely kicked in now. I'm on two different antidepressants, one being an SSRI that helps treat other conditions I suffer from, such as generalized anxiety and panic disorder. I've been on countless antidepressants within the past year, and I just settled with these two because I'm sick of all of the trips to the doctor's and all of the prescriptions. All I know is that I strongly believe the medications caused me to suffer from a blackout after hearing upsetting news put me into an overdrive of sorts, which is when I said everything I did to him. By the time I regained my memory, I was writing a presumably final note to my parents and he'd already blocked me. I've always felt messed up in the head, but after doing this to him, I feel even more guilty and constantly consider checking myself in a hospital because I feel like a threat to others. I'll talk to my doctor about it, but I I don't know what more she can do for me.

As for helplines, there are a few here in the US, and unfortunately, even with our bugged healthcare system, counselling has huge waitlists due to the pandemic and the country slowly shifting back to in-person sessions, at least where I live. The hospital a few minutes away is my only lifeline, mainly because I live in the middle of nowhere and I'm way too paranoid to leave the house on my own, let alone drive. I may have to do something over the phone or through email, but after going through excessive bullying I'm just terrified of getting judged or looked down upon. I'm just not sure which direction to head in right now. All I know is that I'm lovesick to the point of despair and paranoia. I understand that this is immature of me, with me being a young adult and treating this like some kind of teen drama, but I just don't know how to process this, nor do I know how to process the events that led up to it.

Gosh, you must feel so lonely. This sort of highlights why you're having such an intense reaction to this. I don't think that makes you immature, but I do think that makes you vulnerable. We're all a bit guilty of not noticing the quietly vulnerable people often, but the fact you seem to have nobody you can really trust is heartbreaking. I don't wanna put my own past on here, as I think everyone's experience is different, but I just want you to know I get it and you're not bad or wrong or anything negative for feeling the way you do, it's more down to the fact you have such limited resources to help you cope that most people take for granted (supportive family and close reliable friends). Without those, anyone would collapse, so it's not a surprise you're in this current place.

The meds you're on could well have caused a blackout of sorts, especially given what they're seemingly prescribed for - as an addition to the other anti depressants. I don't know if it's the same meds, but possibly a similar pattern that got them presecribed, but I have my regular meds that I take daily for depression/anxiety/PTSD, but also these additional ones that are an anti-psychotic that I take just occasionally when the PTSD flashbacks and intrusive thoughts get stuck. They do break the looped thoughts, but I hate taking them cos they make me completely shutdown, yet sort of still aware of my surroundings, if that makes sense. Then I am ill the next day. I only take them when the thoughts are very out of control now, which isn't often at all, maybe twice a year nowadays. Is it maybe similar to that? That would explain the blacking out thing. I understand you don't want to keep going back and forth to the docs though, that can be so exhausting and humiliating and I think right now you probably need to only be doing with what you can cope with day to day, so I understand why you wouldn't want to go back yet again.

I would be appalled if someone on one of the email/phone services was judgemental towards you, because even volunteers have extensive training with "DON'T JUDGE" being at the core. But it makes sense that you would have this fear given what you've been through and how everyone around you seems to react, which is desperately sad. I suppose the only comfort in email/phone services is that they are as anonymous as you want them to be. You don't have to give your name (or give a fake one if you like) or anything that can possibly be linked back to you. They won't be looking for that anyway, they will be more interested in listening to your story, which is what they're trained to do.

You write very well and express yourself and your emotions through your writing extremely well, especially for someone still so young (take that from someone who works in screenwriting), so if it helps, keep doing it wherever you feel safest, whether that's here or private.

 

[your local goomy]

Right now, I'm really just trying to be okay. I don't need to be good yet, I just need to be...fine. Being this desperate and in this much despair won't bring him back, and I need to accept that. It's going to take a while to drag myself out of this pit, considering how far down my unfortunate lovesickness has dragged me, but I'm going to have to learn one way or another. My Skype message still remains unanswered, unfortunately, and I don't think he checks the platform enough to see it. As a last-ditch effort, I emailed him, but I have no idea if the email I have is new or old. With this, I've officially done all I can do without writing him directly, which we all came to the consensus that it was a bad idea, so that's definitely not happening. Knowing that I've done all I can do, I'm hoping that I can start getting rid of the guilt. He has multiple apologies in written form, of which he can read if he decides to look at them. There's no options left for me. With how manipulating my friends and family can be, I guess my desire to be loved just became so strong when he left that I broke down. I still pray every day and night that he'll accept my apology and at least agree to be my friend, but if he doesn't, there's nothing I can do anymore. I've said all I can say to him, so I'm hoping that this will help me recover. The first thing I need to do is get my eating and sleeping habits back on track, then I'll be able to focus on emotions.

 

[arikins]

Unfortunately, I checked in with my mom, who works for the nearest hospital, about counseling, and she said that there's a huge waitlist and doesn't see me being able to get in before school. She asked if I'd accept school counseling, but unfortunately my school's counseling center isn't good...at all. I'm afraid that somehow, I'll end up getting judged or shunned by the counselors or even other students, so I just don't feel comfortable doing it. I'm going to have to try and get over this guilt myself.

i have a lot of experience with counseling. if it helps, they are not allowed to tell ANYONE what they tell you, unless you give them permission. its a rule of confidentiality they sign. find a really good counselor, one who is well mannered with mental health. sometimes just talking to someone helps, even if they cant help you with the situation.

im also participating in group therapy every tuesday and thursday. i can take screenshots of the material we go over and send it to you if it helps at all. it teaches you many mental health & coping skills. im more than happy to give you some good mental health resources this way.

a lot of us here respond to this thread consistently. we are all here and want to see things get better for you. much love <3 its going to be ok <3

 

[your local goomy]

If it makes everyone feel better, I made an appointment with my psychiatrist on Friday and finally caved in and signed up for school counseling. I'll be starting in the beginning of September when I get back. I'm hoping that I'll be able to get over these relationship issues relatively soon. Don't get me wrong, I'll always miss him, but I'm just hoping I can find someone, romantic or not, who can fill the massive hole in my heart that he left. My strongest desire in life is to be loved, and I'm hoping I can find people that do. And I realized that I can't do it alone.

 

[Croconaw]

If it makes everyone feel better, I made an appointment with my psychiatrist on Friday and finally caved in and signed up for school counseling. I'll be starting in the beginning of September when I get back. I'm hoping that I'll be able to get over these relationship issues relatively soon. Don't get me wrong, I'll always miss him, but I'm just hoping I can find someone, romantic or not, who can fill the massive hole in my heart that he left. My strongest desire in life is to be loved, and I'm hoping I can find people that do. And I realized that I can't do it alone.

Please keep us updated! I’m following this thread and 100% support you on this recovery. Someone will love you for who you are. It helps not to look for love. It will come find you when you’re ready. Trust me on this one. Love comes when you’re not looking for it.

 

[your local goomy]

Back for another daily update ^^. I'd say that for the first time in a while, I'm feeling better instead of worse. My appointment is on Friday, so I still have a few days to see if my psychiatrist can possibly adjust my medication to prevent something like this from happening again. Though I'm feeling better, it's not without its hardships. Today's a very rainy day here, and as much as I do enjoy watching storms through my window and the like, rain and dark weather can hurt when you're not feeling 100%. Though, my family unfortunately had to make the decision that my grandma shouldn't be driving anymore due to her health, and she decided that her car is going to go to me. I wish I didn't have to get my first car due to such unfortunate circumstances, but having my own car will give me a lot more freedom. Though, as happy as I am, I have mixed feelings, as I seriously rushed to get my license and a car this summer after 3 years of not really caring about it purely so I could drive down and see him in person...but unfortunately, with how things are looking, that won't be happening any time soon. I wouldn't consider my days good yet as I still feel a lot of grief and sadness over not hearing from him, but they're not completely and utterly miserable anymore. This is a little change, but it's a change nonetheless.

 

[Stikki]

Back for another daily update ^^. I'd say that for the first time in a while, I'm feeling better instead of worse. My appointment is on Friday, so I still have a few days to see if my psychiatrist can possibly adjust my medication to prevent something like this from happening again. Though I'm feeling better, it's not without its hardships. Today's a very rainy day here, and as much as I do enjoy watching storms through my window and the like, rain and dark weather can hurt when you're not feeling 100%. Though, my family unfortunately had to make the decision that my grandma shouldn't be driving anymore due to her health, and she decided that her car is going to go to me. I wish I didn't have to get my first car due to such unfortunate circumstances, but having my own car will give me a lot more freedom. Though, as happy as I am, I have mixed feelings, as I seriously rushed to get my license and a car this summer after 3 years of not really caring about it purely so I could drive down and see him in person...but unfortunately, with how things are looking, that won't be happening any time soon. I wouldn't consider my days good yet as I still feel a lot of grief and sadness over not hearing from him, but they're not completely and utterly miserable anymore. This is a little change, but it's a change nonetheless.

I am glad to hear this. It sounds like you're doing everything right, some of which no doubt will have taken a huge amount of effort when not feeling so great. With the weather - think of it like the weather is on your side right now haha. Whilst the circumstances aren't ideal, you might find that with having a car you have a new found freedom that really helps during this time.

Don't be hard on yourself if you have more bad days. The fact you already had a better one is a good sign, but don't beat yourself up for not feeling elated yet or lose hope if you have some darker days. Hang in there and keep doing what you're doing and so glad to read about this today x

 

[your local goomy]

I've found that there's certain things that can alter my mood and bring me down again, unfortunately. It seems that as the weather gets nicer here, I get tempted to despair again. Unfortunately things have gotten a bit worse because of what I've been reading and hearing. Of course, nothing related to him, as he hasn't responded to either of my messages, but just hearing about people being in love and happy makes me upset...and as well as just hearing about Illinois as a state, considering that it was where I was going to drive to in order to finally meet him. Do I believe that happiness is possible for me? I'm still on the verge about it, but I want to. It's just going to be much harder than I expected. Writing here has really helped me and I'm glad to have so many people to support me. Hearing back from him is becoming less and less likely and the thoughts that I may have caused him to do something horrible to himself still linger, but all I can do is hope that this isn't the case. I just hope that we can both be happy in the end.

 

[your local goomy]

Unfortunately nights are very hard for me and I find myself quite upset again. I don't want to lose hope, I want to believe that he'll let me back in...mainly because I just miss him. I don't think it will happen, but I've been finding my nights to be gloomy and lonely. I've still been having trouble sleeping, though my eating habits are improving. I still tend to cry a lot at night, but I don't think there's anything I can do about it. I tried to call him, but when it rang more than once instead of going straight to voicemail, I freaked out and hung up because right now I'm in no place to talk to him in the chance that he unblocked me. I texted him if he did, and I may try and call him tomorrow. But tonight has been very rough for me. I'm reconsidering pursuing relationships at all because of my awful separation anxiety.

 

[VanitasFan26]

As someone who had to deal with breakups in long distance friendships, my advice is to not even bother. I recently this year stopped being friends with my best friend who I knew since Elementary School. He was always full of himself, always talking stuff he likes, and didn't seem to even care about me when I was going through a bad time. In May 2021 we had a talk and then after I told him what was going on he just gave me the worst unsolicited advice telling me " you need to make more friends". It was at this point that I had enough of him and just didn't want to be friends with him anymore. I blocked him on discord, removed him from my phone contract, and we haven't spoken since then.

Ghosting is a serious issue these days where people often ignore your messages and just don't seem to bother to even respond back. My therapist told me that the best thing to do is to let it go and move on. It may be a waste of time trying to reason with someone who wronged you, If they don't want you in their life then spare yourself and leave. You probably should take a break on finding anyone else, because since you mentioned you have separation anxiety. Take a break from all the drama and let your mind refresh so that way you can figure out what to do next.

Trust me I know how it feels like no matter how much time and effort you put in trying to find a conclusion to this problem it won't seem to go anywhere. I hope you feel better after this, because as someone who is autistic and suffers from depressions, I know what the feeling is like to feel all that stress.

 

[your local goomy]

Unfortunately I was mistaken last night and my number is still blocked. I don't feel chipper enough to elaborate on anything, but I'll just say that I'm not having a good day today. At all.

 

[VanitasFan26]

Unfortunately I was mistaken last night and my number is still blocked. I don't feel chipper enough to elaborate on anything, but I'll just say that I'm not having a good day today. At all.

My days are not that good either, so you're not alone in feeling that way. You probably need a break after what you're going through. I know from experience that taking a break is supposed to refresh your mind. If you want someone to talk to, you can DM me anytime, cause I have my own problems as well and I can relate.

 

[Stikki]

Unfortunately I was mistaken last night and my number is still blocked. I don't feel chipper enough to elaborate on anything, but I'll just say that I'm not having a good day today. At all.

Sending you love x

 

[amemome]

oh no... i'm sorry your day wasn't good today. hopefully tomorrow will be a bit better though!

take it one day at a time, one minute at a time if one day is too much.

wishing you the best and sending you some positive vibes.

 

[your local goomy]

I'm glad that today's coming to an end. I'm also glad that I'll be getting at least some help tomorrow. This was the worst I've been in a while, mainly because I had to go out in public and just kinda lost it. I swear, I'm saw remnants of him everywhere. I didn't think I'd get desperate enough to do this, but I use a secondary phone number when signing up for sketchy services and stuff, so I texted him on that because of how much I was hurting. I don't want to invade his privacy or overstep his boundaries, so that's the farthest I'll be going. I just know he never checks his old email or Skype, so this was my only chance to actually let him know I still care. Right now, I just miss everything about him and I'm in a lot more pain than I expected to be. I lashed out and ended up tearing my room up, unfortunately. I keep trying to distract myself from him, but I just get so worked up and anxious. For me, I'd rather go through physical pain than this mental stuff. I just wish he'd reply, even if he says that he doesn't want to ever see me again. Then I'd be able to move on. I'm gonna send him one more message and formally apologize, then I'm done. I really am. I'm just mentally exhausted and back in despair. I thought things were going to be better, but today has proved otherwise.

 

[Neb]

I'm late to this, but I wanted to say I'm sorry that happened to you. I went through something similar and it's extremely difficult. It's also easy to be reminded of people you used to date, especially when a relationship ends on a bad note. I hope you have supportive friends and family that can help through this difficult time. I'm sure those constant reminders should eventually be less draining. Recovering can take a while, but I'm sure you'll get through it. Hopefully the coming days will become easier.

 

[your local goomy]

Thanks for the support. Unfortunately, neither my friends nor family are supportive, so other than the folks here on TBT, I'm going through this alone, and I think that's why it's so hard. Relationships in general are hard for me because depression, separation anxiety, fear of abandonment, and severe attachment issues don't go well together, and turns out I struggle with all 4 of those :/

 

[TillyGoesMeow]

I completely understand you. For me, it was hard to think I would ever find anyone else even halfway decent to care about me. But the truth is, you're a lovely person who is worthy of love and kindness. Loving yourself can be so hard, and can be even harder when you've been focusing all of your love on another person. If you ever need anyone to talk to, I'm here. I work quite a bit but I do try to be active! I hope everything gets better soon. <3