Long-Distance Relationship/Breakup Advice

[Jacob]

From what I can understand, it doesn't sound like your conversation was just you hurling insults at him, and then he blocked you. Sounds more like you guys had a little fight? And if that's the case, he is in the wrong as well. Don't let him manipulate the situation into you being the only bad guy. It's important to remember that he could have stepped away or asked you to step away from the computer while you were heated. If he's looking to actively argue with his s/o, he better be ready to apologize or hear an apology, like you are. Of course he's too immature.

Send him a new friend request, hope for a chance to apologize for yourself, then re-evaluate if you want to be in a long-distance relationship with someone who has poor communication skills. If he never opens his DMs to you again... bullet dodged in my opinion. Maybe I'm too harsh on him, but he owes you an apology as well.

( I could be wrong, and he could've handled the conversation well, and then blocked you, but that honestly seems a bit worse to me, so I'm going to assume you two fought. )

 

[your local goomy]

From what I can understand, it doesn't sound like your conversation was just you hurling insults at him, and then he blocked you. Sounds more like you guys had a little fight? And if that's the case, he is in the wrong as well. Don't let him manipulate the situation into you being the only bad guy. It's important to remember that he could have stepped away or asked you to step away from the computer while you were heated. If he's looking to actively argue with his s/o, he better be ready to apologize or hear an apology, like you are. Of course he's too immature.

Send him a new friend request, hope for a chance to apologize for yourself, then re-evaluate if you want to be in a long-distance relationship with someone who has poor communication skills. If he never opens his DMs to you again... bullet dodged in my opinion. Maybe I'm too harsh on him, but he owes you an apology as well.

( I could be wrong, and he could've handled the conversation well, and then blocked you, but that honestly seems a bit worse to me, so I'm going to assume you two fought. )

Yeah, it was a fight, and admittedly it did get heated before he left. I just mainly feel like I'm more in the wrong than he is because I continue taking my medications even though strong/sudden emotions can cause me to act up like this. I'm definitely going to bring it up with my doc next time I see her, considering that I stronly believe that this was the cause for my only friend I had at school ditching me as well. I'm just tired of everyone I get close to leaving me, is all.

As always, thanks to everyone for the kind words. Him leaving like this is just very difficult for me not only because of my relationship, but he was my best friend for about four years before we started the relationship, and looking back at it, if he weren't there for me in high school, I don't think I'd be here writing this today. As always, I'm still working on picking up the pieces. If he doesn't show up by Monday or Tuesday, I'm just going to assume that he's done with me. I know it'll sting, but I hope it won't sting for too long.

 

[your local goomy]

Well, folks, it's really not looking too good for me. I'm going to give it another day or two, but he still has me blocked. I've been trying to take care of myself and do what some of you said, but unfortunately self-care isn't my strong suit and I'm finding myself incredibly depressed. One of my biggest fears in life is abandonment, so I'm really struggling. I honestly fear that I'll never get out of this pit and that I'll never trust anyone else enough to move on...

 

[Croconaw]

Well, folks, it's really not looking too good for me. I'm going to give it another day or two, but he still has me blocked. I've been trying to take care of myself and do what some of you said, but unfortunately self-care isn't my strong suit and I'm finding myself incredibly depressed. One of my biggest fears in life is abandonment, so I'm really struggling. I honestly fear that I'll never get out of this pit and that I'll never trust anyone else enough to move on...

Things will get better for you in time. You won’t feel the way you do today, one week from now. You won’t feel the way you do one week from now, a month from now. I can say this from experience. I grow attached to people very easily and become upset when we have to go separate ways — which happens most of the time, to be honest.

I’ve just come to accept that some people aren’t meant to stay in our lives forever. We meet people for various reasons, and they may be in our life to help us at the time but once we no longer need that help, we have to let them go. We just have to enjoy the time we had with them.

I’m sorry for what you’re going through,but you’re strong enough to push through. You’re an amazing person and someone will give you the respect you deserve, but pain is inevitable and worrying about it doesn’t help. Pain isn’t going to stop coming because ____ is upset. If worrying helped, we wouldn’t have pain because lots of people worry. It’s okay to feel emotions. Don’t feel guilty for it.

You’ll get through it.

 

[Stikki]

Well, folks, it's really not looking too good for me. I'm going to give it another day or two, but he still has me blocked. I've been trying to take care of myself and do what some of you said, but unfortunately self-care isn't my strong suit and I'm finding myself incredibly depressed. One of my biggest fears in life is abandonment, so I'm really struggling. I honestly fear that I'll never get out of this pit and that I'll never trust anyone else enough to move on...

These things take time to heal from. Don't be hard on yourself if you feel bad for a while, just keep doing all you can possibly do to take care of yourself during this time. It won't always feel like this, but it's ok and normal to feel like it right now.

At this point it feels so cruel that he's still doing this. It can't even be excused as a cool down period. He's making a point. I worry that if he does come back (and FWIW I think he probably will) you will be on edge and walking on eggshells all the time to try to prevent this happening again, which he can use to his advantage sadly. If you do find that happening, make no mistake about it, that IS emotional abuse and it shouldn't happen.

Please do reach out to any of us here at any point during all this, whatever happens. I don't think anyone will judge you or be unkind to you if you do stay in a relationship with him. It's easy for all of us (myself included) to say you deserve better and we hope you recognise it, but it's not us living your life and your sadness over it all. Like when people ask victims of abuse "Why didn't you just leave?" or state that they would, but it's never as simple as that when you're in the situation and you mustn't feel pressured into anything. I do think people here, from what I've seen, will support you and listen to you if you just want to vent though, and I think it's good to have somewhere fairly anonymous to talk as it's often harder with people you know well. If you stay with him but still find yourself unhappy, I would rather know you reached out to someone/posted here than bottled it up for fear of judgement.

I hope whatever happens now, it works out for the absolute best for you. Take care of yourself in the best way you possibly can and be kind to yourself whilst you're in pain x

 

[amemome]

Well, folks, it's really not looking too good for me. I'm going to give it another day or two, but he still has me blocked. I've been trying to take care of myself and do what some of you said, but unfortunately self-care isn't my strong suit and I'm finding myself incredibly depressed. One of my biggest fears in life is abandonment, so I'm really struggling. I honestly fear that I'll never get out of this pit and that I'll never trust anyone else enough to move on...

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I super understand wanting to explain yourself ASAP for closure — I also tend to do this when things go down badly in my relationships. It hurts a lot when you don't know for certain what the other person is thinking and whether or not you both can move on, but it can get better, I promise!

People seem to take different steps to heal and process their emotions and it all takes different amounts of time. I think your BF is taking those steps for himself by stepping away and limiting contact. I think you should continue to give him space. If he's ready to talk to you, he should let you know.

In the meanwhile, please be easy on yourself and take care the best you can!

 

[your local goomy]

Thank you all! I do really hope that my BF is just taking time to himself and does plan on coming back...mainly because I fear that he ended up doing more drastic things that I shouldn't be saying on TBT, but I'm sure you get the picture. I'm not really going to give him a certain number of days to recover before I assume he ditched me anymore. I do know that he tends to go silent for a while when struggling with issues...he's just never blocked me or deleted mutual servers before like he did now. Of course, if it's months and I end up finding someone else (which I highly doubt, I'm not very attractive or popular compared to others around me), I'll just assume he's done, but I don't want him to rush into things either. I'm really hoping that he'll realize that going to such an extent really hurt me, but more importantly, I want to let him know the truth and ask him to keep supporting me. If he wants to go our separate ways, fine, but all I want to do is talk to him right now. All I know is that if I find out he did do something drastic, I don't think I'll ever be able to forgive myself and I'll live with that guilt for the rest of my life. I'm still hoping that I'll be able to come out of this grief soon because it's a lot to bear for me right now.

 

[arikins]

Well, folks, it's really not looking too good for me. I'm going to give it another day or two, but he still has me blocked. I've been trying to take care of myself and do what some of you said, but unfortunately self-care isn't my strong suit and I'm finding myself incredibly depressed. One of my biggest fears in life is abandonment, so I'm really struggling. I honestly fear that I'll never get out of this pit and that I'll never trust anyone else enough to move on...

i feel the same.

just do things that make you happy, re-engage in an old hobby, volunteer somewhere, whatever is available. its important to keep your mind going and busy as to not dwell in your thoughts and stay in that spot.

you´ll be okay. emotions are temporary and will always pass <3

 

[your local goomy]

I've decided to sort of keep this thread open as a daily thing to try and help me get over this. I'm feeling a lot of the physical symptoms of grief right now, mainly because I don't know how he's doing and my brain keeps telling me that he'll never come back. I have terrible separation anxiety and I'm still very much in love, so waiting feels like it's taking an eternity and the fact that I tend to hyperfixate makes it worse. I'm going back to college soon and I don't know how I'm going to make it without him, as I don't really have any friends and suffer from horrible loneliness. At least having him there was nice. I've been against counseling most of my life, but right now I feel as if I'm running out of ideas. Everyone I talk to outside of this forum basically just says "don't be sad", which doesn't help at all, and "it wasn't meant to be," but I want to have hope. I'm considering going to at least one session before I go back to college because I believe taking this to school would just cause me to feel even more ill about it than I already do.

 

[Stikki]

I've decided to sort of keep this thread open as a daily thing to try and help me get over this. I'm feeling a lot of the physical symptoms of grief right now, mainly because I don't know how he's doing and my brain keeps telling me that he'll never come back. I have terrible separation anxiety and I'm still very much in love, so waiting feels like it's taking an eternity and the fact that I tend to hyperfixate makes it worse. I'm going back to college soon and I don't know how I'm going to make it without him, as I don't really have any friends and suffer from horrible loneliness. At least having him there was nice. I've been against counseling most of my life, but right now I feel as if I'm running out of ideas. Everyone I talk to outside of this forum basically just says "don't be sad", which doesn't help at all, and "it wasn't meant to be," but I want to have hope. I'm considering going to at least one session before I go back to college because I believe taking this to school would just cause me to feel even more ill about it than I already do.

This is a great idea - using this thread as a sort of journal for your feelings during this difficult time. I really hope it helps in a way to get you through.

Definitely good to see you considering counselling, that's such a strong and mature thing to do, even if it doesn't feel like it. That's some good self-care right there, cos it's recognising you're feeling bad and you're taking the right steps towards healing, even if it's a long process. So well done for that

 

[your local goomy]

Thanks as always for your support, Stikki ^^
Whether or not I do so is if my family finds it as appropriate, but unfortunately I highly doubt this, considering that they don't like, don't know about, or don't care about my BF and will most likely just tell me to "get over it." I'm not known for having an incredibly supportive family, unfortunately. And, of course, if my insurance covers treatment. I just know that if I don't find a way to cope with his disappearance, assuming that he doesn't resume conversation, my brain will assume the worse (in this case, him not being with us anymore), and it will reflect in my personal life. I already have trouble eating and sleeping, and I'd like for it to not affect my grades. Perhaps I'm overreacting, but unfortunately it's just how I process things like this.

 

[your local goomy]

Unfortunately, I checked in with my mom, who works for the nearest hospital, about counseling, and she said that there's a huge waitlist and doesn't see me being able to get in before school. She asked if I'd accept school counseling, but unfortunately my school's counseling center isn't good...at all. I'm afraid that somehow, I'll end up getting judged or shunned by the counselors or even other students, so I just don't feel comfortable doing it. I'm going to have to try and get over this guilt myself.

 

[-Lumi-]

Unfortunately, I checked in with my mom, who works for the nearest hospital, about counseling, and she said that there's a huge waitlist and doesn't see me being able to get in before school. She asked if I'd accept school counseling, but unfortunately my school's counseling center isn't good...at all. I'm afraid that somehow, I'll end up getting judged or shunned by the counselors or even other students, so I just don't feel comfortable doing it. I'm going to have to try and get over this guilt myself.

If it’s helps at all, I’ve done school counselling before and it was lovely and such an amazing resource. It’s covered in your tuition cost so you don’t need to worry about your insurance and if you need accommodations for classes it’s a lot easier with your counsellor being on campus. That being said the counsellor will not share anything you speak about with other teachers! So you don’t need to worry about that, if that was a fear.

From my experience the counsellors are in the same section as other student success resources do it’s not like it’ll be immediately obvious what you’re there for - and if anybody else recognizes you or tries to shame you for it that’s on them. It’s healthy to pursue counselling, especially during a pandemic, plus what you’re going through.

I would honestly reconsider the school counselling. It’s accessible to you and that’s the biggest thing right now. Waitlists are abundant everywhere and if you have the opportunity I think counselling could be really beneficial

 

[TofuIdol]

I've been reading your post since last night when I came across it and I'm so sorry to hear what you are going through, long-distance relationships can really be hard, as someone who has pretty much dated people long-distance. But it does sound like your boyfriend went to the extreme in the entire no contact and blocking route. Since communication is extremely big in general, even more, when you live so far apart from one another. An from an outsider not knowing anything about you or your significant other I can agree with some of the other posters in saying if that is how he will act when the going can get tough since I understand medicine and emotions can get hard and sometimes one might explode in an over full of emotions is just for him to not wanna stick around and personally act like a kid. Then perhaps you did miss something that couldn't be good.

You're still young and have so much time in this world to find someone that would be patient and stick with you even on the lowest and hardest of days. But I do at the same time understand your side in wanting to hold so much hope out for him, and that you have so much love for this person. I get that same way, I'm very much someone who wears their heart on their sleeve as one may say. But I also know that hyper fixating on it only makes you feel worse, can make one overthink and whatnot. So I agree to try and de-stress and do things that you love, or even go for small walks, or even hang with some family.

As for therapy, I can assure you no one will ever judge you or shun you for getting the help you need in life, that is what they are there for. And if anyone ever does then who gives a crud about them? They aren't worth even thinking about. I'm sorry I'm rambling a bunch I tend to do that when I try to write, but reading it I understand how you feel and sadly in life things happen, but you can't over think an just wait on someone to come around. That isn't fair to you if they don't wanna act like an adult an talk. Everyone in this world deserves someone who would be there for them, and doesn't make them worry like this.

 

[your local goomy]

If it’s helps at all, I’ve done school counselling before and it was lovely and such an amazing resource. It’s covered in your tuition cost so you don’t need to worry about your insurance and if you need accommodations for classes it’s a lot easier with your counsellor being on campus. That being said the counsellor will not share anything you speak about with other teachers! So you don’t need to worry about that, if that was a fear.

From my experience the counsellors are in the same section as other student success resources do it’s not like it’ll be immediately obvious what you’re there for - and if anybody else recognizes you or tries to shame you for it that’s on them. It’s healthy to pursue counselling, especially during a pandemic, plus what you’re going through.

I would honestly reconsider the school counselling. It’s accessible to you and that’s the biggest thing right now. Waitlists are abundant everywhere and if you have the opportunity I think counselling could be really beneficial

That's definitely helpful, but unfortunately I just don't trust my school or the counsellors that much. My school has a notoriously bad health center, such as when they gave me Tylenol for a terrible back injury that I personally believe turned into chronic sciatica. My university is a private one and I just don't trust them as much as I would a state school. With him leaving me like this, I just don't trust anyone anymore and I find myself growing increasingly paranoid. I just figured that getting a counsellor from an actual hospital would care about me more than one from a tiny college in the middle of nowhere. My mom pretty much made me email them, so I don't know what I'm going to do. All I know is that I don't trust the school and I fear that I'll do something else I regret if the loneliness or the guilt gets to be too much.

 

[Croconaw]

Unfortunately, I checked in with my mom, who works for the nearest hospital, about counseling, and she said that there's a huge waitlist and doesn't see me being able to get in before school. She asked if I'd accept school counseling, but unfortunately my school's counseling center isn't good...at all. I'm afraid that somehow, I'll end up getting judged or shunned by the counselors or even other students, so I just don't feel comfortable doing it. I'm going to have to try and get over this guilt myself.

I’ve had a rough school counseling experience. It definitely isn’t common though, so don’t go by my one bad experience. The lady just wasn’t qualified to be a therapist, at all. She made me feel bad on several occasions, and pretty much ridiculed students. She actually got transferred to a different school district after bad reviews from parents because they thought she needed a change of scenery. I wonder how her life is now. I’m not sure what happened after that transfer. The worst experience I can recall was when she told me it was inappropriate to wear a suit to the school prom where she forced me to go to. She said that I would’ve been the reason someone else didn’t get to go, which was very manipulative. She forced me into a purple dress that I didn’t want to wear and it was very uncomfortable. She didn’t care about my feelings. I’m sure your experience won’t be like this. I wish you luck if you consider school counseling or even regular counseling. Do what’s best for you!

 

[Wish]

I met my boyfriend online when I was 15 and something pretty much like this happened to me. We stopped talking for years on and off and then last year before the pandemic started we met and started dating again. I let him know many times throughout our relationship how much this hurt me deeply. He has owned up to and told me that there was no excuse for how he treated me even though he had his own circumstances.


There can be forgiveness and reflection from him to you, but you need to give it to yourself first. Without healthy boundaries with ourselves we can only project our needs onto other people and they become a bandaid for our wounds


edit: but I am sincerely sorry this happened to you. I know how it feels and it makes you question why you aren't good enough, but peoples actions are about themselves and not you

 

[your local goomy]

It's Tuesday, which is the day that I initially decided that I'd give up hope on him ever coming back and forgiving me. I'll still accept him if he comes back, but I'm no longer holding onto hope. Because of this, my depression has unfortunately hit a new low and I don't think I'll ever be able to forgive myself. I don't really think I'll ever be able to really "move on." I don't understand how you can just fall out of love with someone. I know he's not coming back, but I'm still so in love with him...and it hurts. That, and I've been abandoned so many times that I don't think I'll be able to ever trust anyone enough to let them into my life. I'm going back to school next Saturday, and considering that I have a single room for mental health reasons, along with being in a new building, it'll be easier for me to just stay there and not really leave. I already suffer from loneliness, but living alone is better than going through this again. Maybe I'm just thinking irrationally because of my incredibly poor eating and sleeping habits I've developed because of my grief, but right now I just don't feel that I deserve to ever have another friend, yet alone another s/o, because of what I did to him. I'm also fairly certain that I'm going to stop taking the medications. They're controlling my life, so I need to cut them out.

 

[TillyGoesMeow]

It's Tuesday, which is the day that I initially decided that I'd give up hope on him ever coming back and forgiving me. I'll still accept him if he comes back, but I'm no longer holding onto hope. Because of this, my depression has unfortunately hit a new low and I don't think I'll ever be able to forgive myself. I don't really think I'll ever be able to really "move on." I don't understand how you can just fall out of love with someone. I know he's not coming back, but I'm still so in love with him...and it hurts. That, and I've been abandoned so many times that I don't think I'll be able to ever trust anyone enough to let them into my life. I'm going back to school next Saturday, and considering that I have a single room for mental health reasons, along with being in a new building, it'll be easier for me to just stay there and not really leave. I already suffer from loneliness, but living alone is better than going through this again. Maybe I'm just thinking irrationally because of my incredibly poor eating and sleeping habits I've developed because of my grief, but right now I just don't feel that I deserve to ever have another friend, yet alone another s/o, because of what I did to him. I'm also fairly certain that I'm going to stop taking the medications. They're controlling my life, so I need to cut them out.

Hi goomy <3 I just want to say that it's okay. It hurts, and you cannot stop it from hurting. My previous relationship ended in a breakup similar to this and was super toxic. It's so hard not to blame yourself, but you aren't the one who ended the relationship. You did everything you could, please know that. It takes time to heal. I don't know how long you two were together, but based on that it'll take some time to heal. I genuinely thought I would never find anyone else, but here I am today. I'm assuming you're in uni or college, and I completely get how lonely that gets. It can be super tough to find friends. But, joining discord channels is something that helped me a lot. There are local discords for universities, and I've found people to be very nice on them. I know it's so hard right now, but be nice to yourself. Being kind to yourself can help move the healing process along. I really hope things get better. Also, from personal experience, if you're going to stop taking your meds please contact your doctor first. It's super important and they won't be mad at you, and they can also help with potential side effects.

 

[coldpotato]

I am sorry you are hurting so much over this. I am not sure what you said to him, but it does sound like you are sorry and I don't think you should continue to beat yourself up over it again and again. Harsh words can hurt and stick with someone for a long time, and you may have said something to him that crossed a line and he is just done, which makes sense. Not everyone can bounce back from a hurtful fight and act like everything is okay again. Sometimes they have to walk away and set boundaries. It would have been more mature of him to break up with you directly instead of just dipping out, but perhaps this is the only way he knows how to deal with this situation. It might be his first time dealing with something like this, I'm not sure. Although it's painful now, this type of thing happening is one of the most important ways you can learn to not take your anger out on others. Beyond learning that, you also learned that you value good communication, so hopefully in the future you won't settle for someone who does not communicate well.

Please don't forget to take care of yourself. Maybe take this time to work on yourself and also focus on any activities that bring you some form of joy or relaxation and get you out of your head for a bit. It sounds like you have very low self esteem and depression. I have been there so I know how it is, and I can assure you that while you may not cure yourself completely of these things, you can make significant progress if you make self care and self development a priority.