Mental Illness
- Thread starter radical6
- Start date
My diagnosis of avoidant personality disorder came when I was around 18 I think, later Borderline was added to the diagnosis.
I started new meds like a month ago, but I`m already bringing back the dose to go on the meds I started out with a long time ago. I`ve had many meds in the meantime, with variable results. They all had in common that they didn`t work and had horrid side effects. Halperidol was so bad I was running laps through my livingroom and went cycling at midnight to get rid of the unrest in my body. I had to go to the emergency post to get medication to counter it (I freaked out a lot of people by constantly walking from left to right in the waiting room, lol).
Anyways, I go back to Paroxetine, which also had very bad side effects, but it has become a choice between evils, so I have to choose to lesser evil.
I`m enrolled for a new treatment starting in october, taking 9 months, three days a week/8 hours a day.
In honesty, I`ve seen way more doctors and medicine types then I thought I could stomach, but my current doctor is making it worthwhile. So it sucks I got to stop seeing him for nine months, since it would interfere with the other treatment. I`m really going to miss him.
I started new meds like a month ago, but I`m already bringing back the dose to go on the meds I started out with a long time ago. I`ve had many meds in the meantime, with variable results. They all had in common that they didn`t work and had horrid side effects. Halperidol was so bad I was running laps through my livingroom and went cycling at midnight to get rid of the unrest in my body. I had to go to the emergency post to get medication to counter it (I freaked out a lot of people by constantly walking from left to right in the waiting room, lol).
Anyways, I go back to Paroxetine, which also had very bad side effects, but it has become a choice between evils, so I have to choose to lesser evil.
I`m enrolled for a new treatment starting in october, taking 9 months, three days a week/8 hours a day.
In honesty, I`ve seen way more doctors and medicine types then I thought I could stomach, but my current doctor is making it worthwhile. So it sucks I got to stop seeing him for nine months, since it would interfere with the other treatment. I`m really going to miss him.
I was diagnosed with major depression like 5 yrs ago and since then have been diagnosed with chronic depression and I have to take antidepressants pretty much errrry day.
Depression and anxiety are extremely common to be honest but is still a taboo subject which p-sses me off to no end. Talking is the best thing we can do
The best way I can describe depression is with this quote 'Some days, I feel everything at once. Other days, I feel nothing at all.'
It sucks but you guys remember you're all awesome and our illnesses should never define who we are as people x
Well...
I was diagnosed with major/clinical depression and anxiety last year. I've had it before then too. I remember my mom taking me to the doctor because I "wasn't right". She said she hated how I was acting. But when I went to the doctor, they just said it was stress. I told them that I felt helpless and had no motivation for anything anymore but I hid the fact that I was having thoughts of suicide. At that time I was really angry because I just felt really, really alone and unwanted in the world. Everyday I would wake up and hate how I was still living. I was disgusted in the world and the people around me and I was also disgusted in myself. Around August of last year, something happened (I don't want to share exactly what) and I grew even more sad. I've had thoughts of suicide before but it was becoming an everyday thing. I dreamt of ways to kill/hurt myself such as overdosing on my mom's pills and other graphic things. I also grew more angry towards people because no one seemed to catch on to my pain. No one seemed to care. Eventually I grew tired of feeling this way and told my school counselor (who I'm quite comfortable with) everything that I was feeling and thinking. And since I also told him about my suicidal thoughts, I was sent to a mental hospital and spent a week there. It ****ing sucked. It didn't even help and was just a waste of my time. When I got out, my mom acted like nothing happened. She still never does. She never wants to talk about it. I feel like she's almost ashamed of me and it kinda hurts. While things are a bit better than before, I still have thoughts of suicide and I self-harm occasionally. I have a lot of anger in me.
A lot of people think you have to look forward to something big. A person, a hobby, a pet, etc... But that isn't always the case. At least, it isn't in mine. I don't have anything extravagant to look forward to in my life but... For the rare moments that I feel free, happy, accomplished, proud... that's enough for me. I'm unsatisfied with myself right now but I do think about what I can become, as cheesy as that sounds, haha.
I was diagnosed with major/clinical depression and anxiety last year. I've had it before then too. I remember my mom taking me to the doctor because I "wasn't right". She said she hated how I was acting. But when I went to the doctor, they just said it was stress. I told them that I felt helpless and had no motivation for anything anymore but I hid the fact that I was having thoughts of suicide. At that time I was really angry because I just felt really, really alone and unwanted in the world. Everyday I would wake up and hate how I was still living. I was disgusted in the world and the people around me and I was also disgusted in myself. Around August of last year, something happened (I don't want to share exactly what) and I grew even more sad. I've had thoughts of suicide before but it was becoming an everyday thing. I dreamt of ways to kill/hurt myself such as overdosing on my mom's pills and other graphic things. I also grew more angry towards people because no one seemed to catch on to my pain. No one seemed to care. Eventually I grew tired of feeling this way and told my school counselor (who I'm quite comfortable with) everything that I was feeling and thinking. And since I also told him about my suicidal thoughts, I was sent to a mental hospital and spent a week there. It ****ing sucked. It didn't even help and was just a waste of my time. When I got out, my mom acted like nothing happened. She still never does. She never wants to talk about it. I feel like she's almost ashamed of me and it kinda hurts. While things are a bit better than before, I still have thoughts of suicide and I self-harm occasionally. I have a lot of anger in me.
A lot of people think you have to look forward to something big. A person, a hobby, a pet, etc... But that isn't always the case. At least, it isn't in mine. I don't have anything extravagant to look forward to in my life but... For the rare moments that I feel free, happy, accomplished, proud... that's enough for me. I'm unsatisfied with myself right now but I do think about what I can become, as cheesy as that sounds, haha.
Major depression and anxiety. It's a fun life wanting to kill myself but being too afraid to do it.
Have had this since I was 6. I'm 17 now. Only got help this year after throwing it at my parents and the school finding out. Even then, my current therapist has only given me more reasons to end it so :/
Have had this since I was 6. I'm 17 now. Only got help this year after throwing it at my parents and the school finding out. Even then, my current therapist has only given me more reasons to end it so :/
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Major depression and anxiety. It's a fun life wanting to kill myself but being too afraid to do it.
Have had this since I was 6. I'm 17 now. Only got help this year after throwing it at my parents and the school finding out. Even then, my current therapist has only given me more reasons to end it so :/
Its a feeling I can definetly relate to. I can`t say everything is going to get magically better, because thats just not how it works. What I can say is that us humans have amazing ways to use time and acquired methods (through life experience, therapy for example) to forge a better way of dealing with what is in essence the exact same feeling that hurted you more before.
If you`ve just started therapy I hope you will give it a real chance, if not with this therapist, then maybe with someone who you connect with better. I remember starting with therapy over 15 years ago (holy crap, its been 15 years), I was very hesitant and pushed him away, but he really came through for me. Though I might not be much happier, I have a lot bigger understanding how everything works and that gives me rest. It gives you the opportunity to manouvre yourself around it, not getting hit anymore by the full impact of negative feelings and thoughts.
I hope you`ll feel better.
yoshiskye1
➸just have fun okay➸
Sorry. I prefer not to keep personal posts up for long. I just need to get it off my chest nd if I leave it too long it seems attention seeking to me and I don't want attention bought so certain things.
To anybody who is suffering, I wish you the best
Stay safe and keep living ^_^
To anybody who is suffering, I wish you the best
Stay safe and keep living ^_^
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Mayor London
Honorary Detective
Social Anxiety, depression, anorexia nervosa, homosexual. My life's a ****hole. Tried drowning myself.
god, that's terrible. i completely understand how it feels to have unsupportive parents.
i don't have anorexia nervosa myself, but my friend does and support is essential. i hope this year is nice and fast for you so you can get the help you need.
remember that it's okay if you don't make the same grades as your brother. you're WAY above average and you've gotten scholarships because of your intelligence! that in itself is damn amazing! besides, you're you and your brother is a completely different person.
you stay safe too! (also, good luck on finding your dreamies. ;o you seem to have quite a few!)
yoshiskye1
➸just have fun okay➸
Thanks for your reply and support. It's genuinely appreciated x trust me, my priority is to get the help I need as soon as possible. After all, venting changes very little xx Have a great day!
Wait, so is this an excuse to talk about my struggles with mental illnesses without worrying too much about being judged or called attention seeking? I'm all for it. Regardless though I really do wanna clarify that I don't want a pity party or anything like that, I just wanna let it out.
Depression was my first experience with a mental illness, and it was something I experienced extremely early on in life. 3rd grade early. I'll never know why, but the peers in my small Catholic school that I went to loathed me. Maybe it was cuz I moved in the year before and maybe it was because I was just a freak, but it completely scarred me. Those young years were the years that I should've been learning how to make friends, socialize properly, get out with people, everything. But nah, instead I was bullied constantly from 3rd grade, 4th grade, and 5th grade. It was after 5th grade that I begged my mom to let me change schools. I had gotten a death threat in my locker from someone in the 3rd grade. My gym teacher noticed how bad the bullying was (I either NEVER had a partner in gym or always had a guy partner because the guys were at an uneven number) and called out my entire class on it. I remember going to a sleepover and I called my mom at midnight because the girls there kept making fun of me. Fifth grade, I kept trying to sit with the closest people I could call "friends" and they all moved tables away from me. Constantly. I could go on and on, but needless to say it wrecked me mentally. I didn't know how to interact with people, I was secluded to the internet, not to mention that I had self-harmed in some way or another for the first time in the 5th grade, and also seriously considering dieting. Whatever, that's where my depression stemmed.
Come middle school, things are better. Sort of. Then 2010 hits (still in the 6th grade at the time) and my family is getting ready to lose our house, my mom's hooked on pain meds, I'm cutting myself, and the school knows about me cutting and makes fun of me for it. Man, I remember in my English class we were looking at magazine pictures and one was of this really ugly monster thing. Some guy looked at me and said "Hey, doesn't this look like Lexi?" and a girl next to him replied "Oh yeah, it does!" I mean, okay, I get it, I'm ugly as hell, thanks for reminding me. Plus a huge screwup that made the school think I liked this popular butt-chin ugly douchebag made them all hate me. Let all that pile on to the low self-esteem, depression, and then a mix of anxiety coming in.
7th grade, fell in "love", dated the dude, he dumps me because his friends made fun of him for dating me, rest in complete pieces any last shreds of my self-esteem, pretty much go into a deep depression for a while. 8th grade, fall in "love" again, person is in love with this girl who is PERFECT. I'm still jealous of her. I still cry when I see her pictures cuz of how perfect she is. So stupid me decides the best thing to do in that kind of situation where I'm pathetic and ugly and undesirable to anyone is to make myself desirable. So, I start purging.
And thus I piled onto myself an eating disorder that caused me a mental breakdown earlier today. Not to mention that during the summer of 8th grade, I developed insomnia as a side-effect of my lack of eating, (and purging, it's like an anorexia/bulimia mix) took my brother's pills to stop myself from eating, cut myself some more, and even attempted suicide a few weeks into high school.
I think, as of right now, my eating disorder is what's pushing me back the most. Depression and anxiety too, but holy mother of god I would never wish an eating disorder on my worst enemy. Not even those absolutely worthless sacks of crap that bullied me throughout my primary school years. I started taking my brother's pills again (in secret, at first, then I convinced my mom to let me take some of them but now she won't let me anymore. They basically enhanced my motivation, ability to focus, and ability to not eat) a few months ago so that I could stop feeling so dragged down by my depression and so I could combat my binging that began happening as a result of me starving and purging so much. Even now, I still want them. If I could get a hold of them and take another, I would. So now I'm left wondering if the next thing to be added to my list of mental disorders is going to be medication addiction.
Seriously though, my eating disorder has ruined me. I mean, okay, it made me thinner. I went from 115lbs down to around 90-95lbs. I'm 5'2". My face and body and legs are noticeably thinner than how I was in middle school. But I can't enjoy a proper meal anymore. The foods and snacks I used to love are now foods that I can't eat without wanting to throw them right back up. I can't even eat a small dessert anymore without immense guilt overtaking me, and if guilt doesn't overtake me, then the physical feeling of illness and fullness comes in my stomach and up my throat. I love being thin, I love feeling even just a tiny bit pretty, but I also loved being able to eat a god damn meal without worrying about calories or gaining weight.
Honestly, I keep thinking of suicide more often than I should be. I'm on a huge restrictive schedule with food cuz of my eating disorder. I'm not allowed to eat alone. Any food that I eat, even something like a small box of blueberries, has to be eaten right in front of my mom or dad and then I have to stay with them for an hour afterwards. All the bathrooms are locked. I can't have my own garbage can anymore. I'm not allowed to eat after 10pm. I have to ask to use the restroom. And honestly, they mean well, I know, but this type of utter restriction is driving me insane mentally. It's 4am and my stomach is growling and I'm starving and I'm not allowed to eat. And if I screw up even once, there's that fear that I'll get threatened to be sent away to a program that's over an hour away for six hours a day for treatment. Maybe I need it, I don't know. I don't care. I don't think I can do this anymore and I don't know how much longer my mind can take everything and anything.
Mental illnesses are hell and they will ruin your life until you can't even remember what kind of person you used to be before the illness, or if the person you are now is who you were meant to be all along.
Depression was my first experience with a mental illness, and it was something I experienced extremely early on in life. 3rd grade early. I'll never know why, but the peers in my small Catholic school that I went to loathed me. Maybe it was cuz I moved in the year before and maybe it was because I was just a freak, but it completely scarred me. Those young years were the years that I should've been learning how to make friends, socialize properly, get out with people, everything. But nah, instead I was bullied constantly from 3rd grade, 4th grade, and 5th grade. It was after 5th grade that I begged my mom to let me change schools. I had gotten a death threat in my locker from someone in the 3rd grade. My gym teacher noticed how bad the bullying was (I either NEVER had a partner in gym or always had a guy partner because the guys were at an uneven number) and called out my entire class on it. I remember going to a sleepover and I called my mom at midnight because the girls there kept making fun of me. Fifth grade, I kept trying to sit with the closest people I could call "friends" and they all moved tables away from me. Constantly. I could go on and on, but needless to say it wrecked me mentally. I didn't know how to interact with people, I was secluded to the internet, not to mention that I had self-harmed in some way or another for the first time in the 5th grade, and also seriously considering dieting. Whatever, that's where my depression stemmed.
Come middle school, things are better. Sort of. Then 2010 hits (still in the 6th grade at the time) and my family is getting ready to lose our house, my mom's hooked on pain meds, I'm cutting myself, and the school knows about me cutting and makes fun of me for it. Man, I remember in my English class we were looking at magazine pictures and one was of this really ugly monster thing. Some guy looked at me and said "Hey, doesn't this look like Lexi?" and a girl next to him replied "Oh yeah, it does!" I mean, okay, I get it, I'm ugly as hell, thanks for reminding me. Plus a huge screwup that made the school think I liked this popular butt-chin ugly douchebag made them all hate me. Let all that pile on to the low self-esteem, depression, and then a mix of anxiety coming in.
7th grade, fell in "love", dated the dude, he dumps me because his friends made fun of him for dating me, rest in complete pieces any last shreds of my self-esteem, pretty much go into a deep depression for a while. 8th grade, fall in "love" again, person is in love with this girl who is PERFECT. I'm still jealous of her. I still cry when I see her pictures cuz of how perfect she is. So stupid me decides the best thing to do in that kind of situation where I'm pathetic and ugly and undesirable to anyone is to make myself desirable. So, I start purging.
And thus I piled onto myself an eating disorder that caused me a mental breakdown earlier today. Not to mention that during the summer of 8th grade, I developed insomnia as a side-effect of my lack of eating, (and purging, it's like an anorexia/bulimia mix) took my brother's pills to stop myself from eating, cut myself some more, and even attempted suicide a few weeks into high school.
I think, as of right now, my eating disorder is what's pushing me back the most. Depression and anxiety too, but holy mother of god I would never wish an eating disorder on my worst enemy. Not even those absolutely worthless sacks of crap that bullied me throughout my primary school years. I started taking my brother's pills again (in secret, at first, then I convinced my mom to let me take some of them but now she won't let me anymore. They basically enhanced my motivation, ability to focus, and ability to not eat) a few months ago so that I could stop feeling so dragged down by my depression and so I could combat my binging that began happening as a result of me starving and purging so much. Even now, I still want them. If I could get a hold of them and take another, I would. So now I'm left wondering if the next thing to be added to my list of mental disorders is going to be medication addiction.
Seriously though, my eating disorder has ruined me. I mean, okay, it made me thinner. I went from 115lbs down to around 90-95lbs. I'm 5'2". My face and body and legs are noticeably thinner than how I was in middle school. But I can't enjoy a proper meal anymore. The foods and snacks I used to love are now foods that I can't eat without wanting to throw them right back up. I can't even eat a small dessert anymore without immense guilt overtaking me, and if guilt doesn't overtake me, then the physical feeling of illness and fullness comes in my stomach and up my throat. I love being thin, I love feeling even just a tiny bit pretty, but I also loved being able to eat a god damn meal without worrying about calories or gaining weight.
Honestly, I keep thinking of suicide more often than I should be. I'm on a huge restrictive schedule with food cuz of my eating disorder. I'm not allowed to eat alone. Any food that I eat, even something like a small box of blueberries, has to be eaten right in front of my mom or dad and then I have to stay with them for an hour afterwards. All the bathrooms are locked. I can't have my own garbage can anymore. I'm not allowed to eat after 10pm. I have to ask to use the restroom. And honestly, they mean well, I know, but this type of utter restriction is driving me insane mentally. It's 4am and my stomach is growling and I'm starving and I'm not allowed to eat. And if I screw up even once, there's that fear that I'll get threatened to be sent away to a program that's over an hour away for six hours a day for treatment. Maybe I need it, I don't know. I don't care. I don't think I can do this anymore and I don't know how much longer my mind can take everything and anything.
Mental illnesses are hell and they will ruin your life until you can't even remember what kind of person you used to be before the illness, or if the person you are now is who you were meant to be all along.
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I used to work for an organisation with specialised in helping people with eating disorders, two people who had an eating disorder guided me when I was a student for peer worker. I heard a lot of personal stories from people with eating disorders and the long and hard road to recovery they had to go through. Even after that, it still remained a part of them.
As someone who was bullied myself for over 7 years, I can empathize with that emotional experience. Long after letting go of the actual bullying events, I still suffer from the effects it has had on my development into adulthood. My mental illness came to light about 17 years ago I think, its hard to remember because it became one long tedious road of trying to recover.
Like you experience in a more strict form, my life as well is under surveillance. Like you I`m aware that it is with good intent that these people keep close tabs on my life, but it doesn`t make it easier to deal with. Its important to both teenagers blossoming into adulthood as well as adults themselves to feel in control of your own life. Its hard when part of that is taking out of your hands, even when it is your best interest.
I don`t feel in a position right now to tell you that everything will get better. Not just because I`m in no position to say that about your life, not just because such words seem meaningless when your in a very hard spot in life, but simply because I myself right now am in some sort of relapse.
However, I know from experience that the things that can break you, can make you as well. Its difficult to get reacquainted with yourself after mental problems have stampeded through your life as a bunch of elefants in a porselainshop, but it is possible. It is possible to let go of the past and find acceptance in the person you have become, a person who might have lost some personality traits you cherished, but have gained strength through hardships.
I really hope you get to this point. A famous Dutch cyclist (Leontien van Moorsel), suffered from an eating disorder, she came out with it and after doing a lot of volunteer work in this area, she started a house where people with eating disorders can meet and learn from eachother, support eachother and find a safe environment to be themselves. Such inspirational figures can feel far away, but they can also inspire to keep working hard to bounce back. Because they do show its possible.
If you ever feel a need to vent and wonder what would be a safe place for it, feel free to wirte it in a pm towards me. I might lack the words of wisdom to add anything meaningful for your recovery, but I`ll never lack acceptance and good will to lend an ear. In my experience atleast being accepted and seen for who you are, was a major contribution to getting back to a more meaningful and autonomous life.
pillow bunny
Senior Member
Is there an eating disorder where you literally can't stop eating? I eat WAY too much junk food, like probably 5000+ calories on some days (no, that is not an exaggeration). I tried to eat under 2000 calories a few days ago but I just couldn't do it. I spend so much time just being like "okay, I'm going to only eat a few chips and then do my homework" but then I end up just sitting there eating the entire bag and not doing any of my homework. I'm 94 lbs iirc so I'm not obese yet but I don't want to die of a heart attack/diabetes/whatever
hemming1996
abels 😍
Is there an eating disorder where you literally can't stop eating? I eat WAY too much junk food, like probably 5000+ calories on some days (no, that is not an exaggeration). I tried to eat under 2000 calories a few days ago but I just couldn't do it. I spend so much time just being like "okay, I'm going to only eat a few chips and then do my homework" but then I end up just sitting there eating the entire bag and not doing any of my homework. I'm 94 lbs iirc so I'm not obese yet but I don't want to die of a heart attack/diabetes/whatever
Do you not throw them up? I think it's really strange you eat that much and have a low weight.
EDIT: Or fast and exercise excessively
That's BED (binge eating disorder). If you cannot control it I think you need to go speak to your doctor
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p e p p e r
(✿◠‿◠)
Is there an eating disorder where you literally can't stop eating? I eat WAY too much junk food, like probably 5000+ calories on some days (no, that is not an exaggeration). I tried to eat under 2000 calories a few days ago but I just couldn't do it. I spend so much time just being like "okay, I'm going to only eat a few chips and then do my homework" but then I end up just sitting there eating the entire bag and not doing any of my homework. I'm 94 lbs iirc so I'm not obese yet but I don't want to die of a heart attack/diabetes/whatever
are you in high school? I used to eat that amount in high school and always be stick skinny... but it also could be an issue with your thyroid so maybe you should talk to your doctor
i agree with this. some people just have insanely good metabolisms but if you are like, craving and eating non stop but can't gain weight at all, it could be a thyroid thing. does anything else bother you physically?
hmm i just wanted to say that it's pretty common for people having a low weight despite the amount of food they eat (even if they dont exercise).
but yeah basically what everyone else has said
SolaireOfAstora
After Mon and Tues, even the calendar says WTF
I have autism spectrum disorder (ASD). Most people only know it as "autism" but I sometimes feel myself lucky that I can write and talk and stuff. I am very high functioning but also suffer from depression and anxiety. I was diagnosed when I was 12, most people said I was behavioral, so I didn't get the attention I needed. That's why I was diagnosed so late. I saw my first psychologist at age 6.
I sometimes feel like I don't deserve what I have, such as 2 published books and an over-80% average in almost every subject. Whenever I tell people I'm autistic, it's one of the two answers "yeah..." or "What!? Really!?" some people figured I had something wrong with me because of all my outbursts and some people only believe it because of my outbursts. Anyways I hope everyone feels better. It's not an easy life, being mentally ill. I hope everyone understands that.
I sometimes feel like I don't deserve what I have, such as 2 published books and an over-80% average in almost every subject. Whenever I tell people I'm autistic, it's one of the two answers "yeah..." or "What!? Really!?" some people figured I had something wrong with me because of all my outbursts and some people only believe it because of my outbursts. Anyways I hope everyone feels better. It's not an easy life, being mentally ill. I hope everyone understands that.
DoctorGallifrey
The Raggedy Man
I'm not diagnosed with anything unless ADHD counts. I am however going to have a mental health evaluation tomorrow afternoon because depression and other mental illnesses do run in my family, and I want to keep on top with everything considering the family history. I also know Physical & Mental health are equally important.
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