Ok, this might be a bit risque... as it involves streaking... but bear with me.
Once upon a cloudless night, I was camping with a group of about 20 men. Not only was it cold, but the ground was damp. It was perfect for a totally bro weekend, right? Wrong. We ended up being failures at the art of "tent pitching" (har har har no). Our tent was lop-sided and floppy, and our spirits weren't too bright. But that's not what this story is about.
One of the guys in the group had a genius idea as the rest of us sat around the fire, dying of smoke inhalation; our eyes burning from all the fun we were having. From amidst the crackle of fire and the sounds that go bump in the night came the genius call, "Hey guys! Let's go streaking... IN. THE. WOODS." Of course, being a bunch of 20-something males, we were all in to that idea! What guy doesn't love some good naked bonding time, right? Wrong. Well, at least it sounded wrong to one of my best buddies, Dan.
Dan was an interesting guy. He weighed about three hundred pounds and had a body covered in fur that could only be compared to a grizzly bear, and he had a short temper. Aparently, however, Dan didn't enjoy nudity. He wasn't in to the idea at all. Let me just say, we tried and tried for half an hour to convince Sir Daniel to take off his briches. C'mon man, everybody's doing it, right? Right.
Dan gave in.
So, off came all the warm bundles of clothing and in came the impending pnuemonia. We had our clothes off, now what? Before things got too awkward with a bunch of nude men standing around staring at eachother, the first guy took off. And we were all off after him. At first it was like a pack of Zebra; running magestically through the sahara... until I remembered it was actually a bunch of gross, naked dudes.
Before long, our giant, huddled mass of man-flesh spread out and guys went in groups of three or four into different parts of the woods. I followed a young man named Jordan (am I allowed to say he had a nice tushy and that's why I chose him?). So, off we went, haning a right and yelling like what we imagined Native Americans would have done back in the good old days.
The next thing I knew though, Jordan and I were knee deep in mud. He says to me, "Zach, man," his voice was shaking with the cold, "I have no idea where we are."
Neither did I.
It was cold, and my "parts" longed for the warmth of our campfire. Would I die here? Knee deep in mud and frozen to death; is this the way the great Zachary was meant to go? Just as I was letting all of my hope fade, I heard a distant sound. It was like an animal. It was getting closer.
Then, out of the trees I see Dan (I hope you remember Dan) running. This is not just any run. THIS is the run of a very large, hairy, naked man who's lost all of his warmth. He's desperate, and he's coming right at me. Dan is barreling toward me at an alarming speed, and an alarming level of nudity. I tried to move out of the way, but alas, the mud had slowed me down to an unfortunate turtle speed. Dan was going to hit me.
And he did.
In the blink of an eye, Dan (built like a buffalo) was lying (naked) on top of naked me (built like a stick) in a massive mud puddle. Bam! My world had turned upside down. Dan was so warm though.
Needless to say, we all sat a little bit closer to the fire (and a little bit further away from one another) after that one.
