The Internet's Worst Advice Column

[-Mars-]

Bang your head on the oven
It's super loud and bright, what do I do?

 

[Millysaurusrexjr]

Blind and deafen yourself by removing your eyes and ears! Now it will be dark and quiet.

What do I do if the shoes I order online don't fit me?

 

[TurnipBell20]

When they’re too big, put some lego bricks in them to fill the remaining space. When they’re too small, chop a part of your feet off.

I am hungry, but don’t know what to eat?

 

[Elov]

Become plant. Photosynthesize instead. You'll never have to worry about what to eat ever again.

How can you tell if you've fallen out of love with someone?

 

[Midoriya]

Someone was a good person... I remember the day someone told me that even though their name was horribly messed up, that they would continue to be nice to people. If you've fallen out of love with someone, it's probably for the best.

How do I rob a safe?

 

[Shellzilla_515]

Just pull it out where it was and pretend it's yours in broad daylight. Surely can't be that hard, right?

How do I plant flowers?

 

[cakiepop]

Swallow seeds, soil, and water! It'll grow in your stomach.

I have bad period cramps, what should I do?

 

[ZeldaCrossing64]

Punch your stomach to assert dominance. Show Mother Nature who's boss!

How do I make sure my hair isn't greasier than a local McDonald's?

 

[Midoriya]

Start a competition with your local McDonald's. Start fundraising to prove who is the greasiest. A McDonald's employee from your local McDonald's notices this and alerts management. They start fundraising as well to try and prove that your hair is greasier. Everyone gets in on it. You then have to find some allies to help you in your campaign against McDonald's. Don't let them win, with their soft fries and their short Big Macs. You can do this. I believe in you.

How do I eat more slowly?

 

[Shellzilla_515]

Turn into a sloth!

How can I stop craving food?

 

[ZeldaCrossing64]

Just stop eating! Or remove your stomach.

How do I deal with my annoying brother?

 

[Xara]

become an only child.

how do i manage my food poisoning symptoms?

 

[ZeldaCrossing64]

Get bitten by a poisonous animal/bug to assert dominance. Did you know that there are rattlesnakes in Ontario?

My legs are sore from gym class yesterday, how do I reduce/get rid of the pain?

 

[-Mars-]

Walk on your hands no pain on your legs!
How can I fall back asleep?

 

[Neb]

Blare some heavy metal into your ears while you're laying with your eyes closed. Works every time!

How do I study effectively and efficiently?

 

[Millysaurusrexjr]

Get a dictionary and look up the words "effective" and "efficient". Read and re-read these two words and their meanings, try to memorise them. Maybe write them down. Once you have it down, you can apply the "ly" to each word, thus, you have studied effectively and efficiently

How do I deal with the construction noise outside my window??

 

[ZeldaCrossing64]

Go outside and yell at the construction workers like a Karen, and if that doesn't work make more noise to assert dominance.

How do I become more patient? I forgot to charge my 3DS and I really want to play Tetris right now.

 

[Xara]

go to the hospital — then you’ll be a patient!
bad joke, i know LMAO.

how do i get better at attending school more consistently?

 

[DarkDesertFox]

If you skip every day of school except for the last day you'll have your highest streak of attendance.

How can I learn to like seafood?

 

[NovariusHaze]

Starve yourself and you’ll find seafood quite appetizing.

What’s the best way to lose the weight?