The Internet's Worst Advice Column

[TurnipBell20]

Thanks for the advice, I don’t know what I would do without you.

My advice is to lock your brother in the basement.

How can I be more like myself around others?

 

[Midoriya]

Use a cloning machine and create clones of yourself. Alternatively, you can use the Multi Shadow Clone Jutsu from Naruto (you'll have to learn it first, however). Then make all the clones act like your authentic self. Once they've done that for a month, gather them all back into you using the same process. Ta-da. You can now be yourself around others.

How do I find more interest in things?

 

[Shellzilla_515]

Just force yourself into it. You'll be fine!

How do I make steamed hams?

 

[deana]

Try the steam room at your local gym.

How can I improve my reading speed?

 

[ZeldaCrossing64]

Pour motor oil into your eyes.

How do I get a full 8 hours of sleep?

 

[TurnipBell20]

Just don‘t wake up.

How can I get rid of a guilty conscience?

 

[-Blue-]

By not thinking of it.

The store won't let me return their garbage product. How do I get my money back?

 

[ZeldaCrossing64]

Sell it on the black market and sue the store.

It's really hot, how do I cool down?

 

[-Blue-]

Extend your arms out in a T-pose and start spinning around like a fan.

I ran out of bread, but want to make a sandwich. Help?

 

[ZeldaCrossing64]

Waltz into a store and discreetly steal some, then stuff the loaf of bread into your pocket.

I broke my nail, what do I do?

 

[Elov]

Throw a funeral for your fallen comrade, reshape it, and rebuild anew.

How do I stop being addicted to the internet?

 

[ZeldaCrossing64]

Go to your nearest cell phone tower (or whatever the heck it's called) and destroy it. Or destroy all devices. Including the TV.

My neck hurts, what should I do about it?

 

[NovariusHaze]

Remove your neck. No neck. No pain.

How do I find my soulmate?

 

[Midoriya]

I don't know, mate, finding your soul can be pretty difficult. Consult Danny Phantom for more expert advice.

How do I cook food more easily?

 

[Shellzilla_515]

Throw it in a volcano. You should try the lava!

How do I make a clickbaity title?

 

[ZeldaCrossing64]

Consult a trashy YouTuber that I wish I could name.

How do I fall asleep faster?

 

[ravenclaw_equestrian]

Stay up until you get tired.

How do I stop sleeping through my alarm?

 

[Shellzilla_515]

Try to have insomnia. Now you don't have any worries about sleeping in!

How can I pet a dog?

 

[Elov]

Step 1. Find dog
Step 2. Ask if u can pets
Step 3. Pet

How can I make time move by faster?

 

[ZeldaCrossing64]

Play the Song of Double Time. (Zelda reference.)

How do I make my headache go away?