i have some things to be happy about
★ I woke up at about 5:30 this morning (so I only slept for like 4-5 hours) and at first I couldn't get back to sleep but I ended up being able to take a 3 hour nap. I feel pretty tired atm (most likely bc of anemia though) but it's only noon so I'm not wasting my time and in a bit I should be good to do
★ a few weeks ago I mentioned that a friend of mine (who is actually a social worker) not only referred to me a few psychiatrists in the area, but they also mentioned something called a IOP (intensive outpatient program) which gives patients the care they might receive in a psychiatric hospital without actually being hospitalized. I hadn't called the head of the program until a few nights ago, it was too late ofc but the next day I finally got to speak w them and yesterday I did a video call to be evaluated.
I was worried abt paying for it bc my family hardly ever has any extra money, but after talking with my insurance provider this morning the lady I spoke to over the video call happily informed me that my insurance would cover everything and I won't have any out-of-pocket expenses!!
so I'll be doing this thing 3 days a week, I kinda wish it was in person instead of all virtual but I'm just happy to actually be getting some good help and I really hope they can shift my ways of thinking into a more positive light. I've been dealing w depression for years and my self-esteem and confidence has only gotten worse so I definitely have some hopes.
★ related to above, the psychiatrist I had to schedule an appt for all the way out to May bc he didn't have any availability before then, actually works with patients in this program so I'll be able to talk to him a lot sooner and be evaluated/treated for bipolar. I'm very relieved abt that bc I honestly resented the idea of having to wait til May to even be seen.
★ I started my exercise routine again! I was pretty sad to see I had gained some of my weight back (very likely bc of depression eating) but yesterday I spent 30 min doing exercise, mostly taking it easy bc my muscles aren't quite what they used to be rip. I'm hoping to do some more exercise today, though I can feel some soreness in my abdominal muscles I'll try to push through it a bit (without over-exerting myself of course). before I graduated college I was actually at a point where I started doing Tae-Bo and I would love to get back into that, it's one hell of an aerobic workout but it's fun!
★ (kinda long so feel free to skip) I made a revelation this morning after watching a video talking abt the South Korean school system. the context was that it's apparently very common for students in South Korea to spent around 16 hours a
day studying, and it made me realize something. I think a big problem I had coming out of college, is that because I spent so much of my time and energy merely focusing on school and not on myself, I came to believe that school is the only important determining factor in your life and nothing else at all matters. so understandably coming out of school my life kinda lost its meaning. the meaning of my life was in fact school, and as soon as it went away I had nothing left. cause I was also spending hours and hours studying, and once I graduated I no longer had to do that. I was suddenly out of school after having been in school since I was like 4-5 years old.
I guess what I'm getting at is I'm somehow still in the frame of mind that school is the single most important thing in my life and nothing else matters, and it's possible that this frame of mind has kinda shifted to work, hence why I get so frustrated with the fact that I'm not working bc of disability. maybe this is something I could bring up to my counselor in the IOP. just some more bad stuff I need to unlearn, it's been affecting my mental health very negatively. I
know that school isn't everything but I just can't stop feeling that way about it. I need a change, and now that I'm aware of it maybe I can start taking steps to break out of the vicious cycle
(it likely also has something to do w the burnout I've been experiencing for literally years so I need to get that figured out too)
★ today is the first day of March and the high is 67 degrees!
[cue Celsius folk absolutely losing their **** for a split second bc they don't realize I mean F lol]
I don't have any plans to go outside today bc I am still really tired and sunlight honestly makes my eyes hurt most of the time (light sensitivity) so I'll just go ahead and open a window to let some fresh air in
★ I'm starting to get back into drawing regularly and it's going well!
and I still have plans to possibly open an art shop, not sure when but if I can keep drawing consistently and not get burned out so easily I'll start that