i’m grateful for everything that my mom has done for me and continues to do for me, i truly am, but it is so unbelievably disheartening trying to talk to her about anything. if she’s not distracted by something on her computer, she’s watching something. if she’s not watching something, she’s sleeping. i feel like i never have her undivided attention unless she’s yelling at me or dumping all of her problems on me. i’m not asking her to drop everything she’s doing for me the moment i want her attention, but it’d be nice if she could at least be like, “hey, i’m a little busy right now, can you give me -an amount of time- and then we can talk?”. but she doesn’t. she just disregards my presence until i get fed up and leave, and then she gets all worked up when i have the audacity to be hurt. she’s not working or doing anything remotely urgent or important on her computer either, she is almost always just scrolling mindlessly on facebook or looking at graphics.
it is so disheartening to be trying to talk to her, and she can’t even be bothered to take her eyes off of her computer long enough to look at me. it is so disheartening to be in the middle of a sentence, and she laughs at something she sees on facebook, or i notice that i never had her attention at all. it makes me feel so unimportant, and like what i have to say doesn’t matter to her. i can’t talk to her about anything, because i never have her attention, or she tries to make it about her. it isn’t fair. i just want to be listened to for once. i just want to be able to voice my feelings to her and have something actually change, instead of it turning into a fight or her trying to leave the apartment and threatening not to come back. it’s so tiring being grateful for her and so hurt by her at the same time.
i don’t want her money. i literally just want her to be someone that i’m able to talk to. i just want her to be reliable. i just want to feel more important than facebook and graphics for once. i just want her attention, that’s all.
