What's Bothering You?

^ me neither lol but to be fair i think i’m only getting digital gifts.

I don’t know if this is oversharing but,
I’m thinking my relationship is over unfortunately. It’s just been a ride recently of accepting certain things are not the way I would like. Talking with a friend who came back to me has made it less scary so it’s okay. This admittedly is part of the reason I’ve been off here. I really needed some time to mull it over in private.

It’s my decision ultimately because I know my boyfriend won’t pull up that conversation with me but primarily he just missed too many things that were important to me. Even though he doesn’t have a job or school it feels like he’s never able to promise time for me. How are we supposed to work on any issues on top of that? I can never look forward to just seeing him there when I get home from anything.

This relationship used to be exciting and just not so much now. There have been a lot of little things where it’s like clearly he doesn’t understand what I need despite my best efforts. I have probably the best support I could ask for to break it off if I do so. Idk how I’m going to break it to him though, I’ve bought up some of it but I worry about him a lot even while I’m here, my bf idolises me a lot.

It’s not even like grieving all this or that is over because I’ve been accepting that already, things aren’t how they used to be and sure excitement goes away but that’s not my main concern. It’s kind of just how much more can I really work on things? I feel like I’ve done my part, and there were times I think I carried this much more than him already, and I don’t like that uneven feeling.

@TN4U I’m not in the best state to give advice but I would really think about you first, the other poster saying to work on yourself was right. You don’t want a codependent relationship. It seems sweet and exciting but it is not a great foundation and if things go south you would be hurt a lot more. It is also just not fair imo. I would also think about what could be a dealbreaker or negative in a relationship to just have a bit more of a realistic perspective. You’ll get there. I have to come clean and admit all my relationships have been long-distance so. Like for example being stuck long-distance, or in other countries could be a dealbreaker. Idk if I can do that again myself.

On a pettier note it’s basically confirmed now the Chainsaw Man anime director is getting replaced. This series was spectacular until post Falling Devil and I just feel like it’s been a mess since… like… it’s just okay now, they really dropped the bag on both the manga and now mishandling the anime. I actually love the direction of the current anime episodes, it’s a damn shame the anime will be so uneven now. Guess I can be glad my favorite girl Himmy got adapted good but they couldn’t even keep it up for the first saga. I just feel bad for MAPPA artists in general.
 
Drawdler said:
I’m not in the best state to give advice but I would really think about you first, the other poster saying to work on yourself was right. You don’t want a codependent relationship. It seems sweet and exciting but it is not a great foundation and if things go south you would be hurt a lot more. It is also just not fair imo. I would also think about what could be a dealbreaker or negative in a relationship to just have a bit more of a realistic perspective. You’ll get there. I have to come clean and admit all my relationships have been long-distance so. Like for example being stuck long-distance, or in other countries could be a dealbreaker. Idk if I can do that again myself.
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First off, sorry to hear about your breakup. At least your friend has made the situation more bearable, and it's great to hear that you're doing alright. This forum is always here for you, so don't feel bad about being absent for a while.

In regards to your input about me, I agree - I need to work on myself more. I'm tending to do the bare minimum at the moment, and I've really gotta do more. A good example is with me coming home from work. My work schedule is pretty bad: I wake up at around 4:45 AM, and get home around 5:00 PM every weekday. It's a very long time, but I get a 2-3 hour break in between most of the time, and the job itself is perfectly fine for me. The moment I come home, I'm basically done doing anything else, and look forward to bed because I'm always so tired. My motivation needs to improve, but trying to keep myself awake is hard within itself.

I've never been a fan of long-distance relationships, as I much prefer to see people in person. It's more fun and memorable that way, and the thought of seeing someone in person only once or twice a year turns me off. It's not like extended family where something like that can be considered normal; my Mom's side of the family lives a few states over in Illinois, as she was raised there since she was 10 up until she met my Dad. We visit my Mom's family every year around Christmas, sometimes more than once a year if there's an event going on that we feel is respectful to be present at.

I would never gun it right from the start and go straight to someone saying, "let's date", as that's just being desperate. Things do take time - I just have the mentality of wanting someone right away as I've been single and dateless for such a long time, and it's affecting me mentally in mostly negative ways.
 
so my professor eventually put me in a group (tbh it's less of a group and more of a "all the other groups are full so you and this person can work in a group of two") and it's been.. difficult.

they haven't entered the document that i shared to them and they've only opened it once. for the entire time we were working or i was working, they were using my computer to type on the document :/ their computer was working and they were making google searches and that but for some reason they didn't want to enter the document because they didn't wanna go into their outlook, which i had sent it to (yeah im really confused about this??? i find it weird that they literally gave me their email but didn't wanna open it).

anyways, the really annoying thing happened yesterday. since i had to go do baby-sitting, they claimed that they're going to go see a tutor, get some help and type some more once they get it opened. once i got home and read it, i realized that it just didn't make any sense at all. it's like they didn't read any of the instructions that the professor have us. i've started to wonder if the "tutor" that they said they saw might've been AI all along but i don't want to jump to any conclusions.

i'm going to talk to them on monday ofc (dreading it though because i have no backbone and confronting people makes me physically ill buttttt i really dont want to fail this course) but still this has been a very annoying experience 😮‍💨
 
pc showed up today. clearly at least the courier company knew where they wrongly delivered it to but still waited a week to bother rectifying it or telling anyone. and then... new problems! the monitor's stand is garbage because it's loose and unstable (and seemingly designed that way so it can tilt and push back? but all it does is fall off at the slightest nudge instead) and the pc company didn't even bother sending a power cable. oh, and of course they're not open weekends! so now i either have to pay out of pocket for a power cable or wait until these idiots open monday, go into the live chat (because email is useless) and ask for not only a power cable but apparently a new monitor -- if they'll even give me one -- because this one is far from usable. they'll probably tell me to send this one back, but if they do, they better plan to cover shipping. so! god knows when i'll actually get to use this stupid pc.
 
going through all the plushies I impulse purchased when I was dealing with hypomania back in 2022, I'm definitely not getting rid of all of them but there are so many that I really don't want, mostly bc they take up space but also the memories associated w them. if I end up not being able to sell them then I'll prob give them to a thrift store, I just want them gone. it's such a tedious and overwhelming process though, there are so many. 😮‍💨

also very worried about a dear friend, I know he will be okay but it breaks my heart to see my friends struggling so much 💔
 
Its hard to grief for someone you were suppose to be close but weren't, I never bothered to reach out or fix the relationship and now it will never happen.
I think I'm expected to be much sadder than this but to me the most sad part is everything that wasn't there (and maybe how much I'm to blame for that).
 
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I really wanted to spend my entire day off at home today but of course, I just had to go somewhere and burn a good chunk of it. I've literally worked from 7:30am to almost 6pm for two days in a row and I'm so burnt out and tired. There's some stuff I want to do but at the same time, do nothing instead. I really want to express my frustration to my parents but they'll probably say something to invalidate my emotions. I'm so irritated and angry that I want to scream. Ugh, I got back home a little while ago and it feels like I just came home from work which I really don't want to think about on days that I should be relaxing (which is today). I have to go back in tomorrow and I'm gonna go insane.

Something else I want to mention. I do not like to go to the church. I've not felt a spirtual connection that others have felt there. A lot of songs they sing have repetitive lyrics that makes me want to pull my hair. I'll let my family go there, but not me. It hurts even more with the fact that I'm basically being relied on to drive them to other places they need to go. Is it too ****ing much to just relax at home, especially after two exhausting days?
 
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