Major thanks and appreciation to those that gave their two cents regarding my lack of dating situation:
I'm not sure I qualify as straight since I'm non-binary, but I am attracted to women. I think spending money on dating apps is useless. They don't care if you find someone as long as they are making money. The longer they keep you from finding someone, the more money you will pay because you think paying raises your chances of finding someone. It doesn't. If anything, finding someone will be harder because the apps are making money from you. If I were you, I'd stop giving money to dating apps.
Looks are your first impression of someone, so I can understand how important they are, but they aren't the most important thing. You can find someone attractive, but get to know them and they aren't what they seem. There might be someone that's a good match for you, but they aren't someone you find very physically attractive, and you'd fail to give them a chance because of what you see on the outside. Looks aren't everything. I'm definitely not a 10. I'd give myself a solid 5/6 (post the dental work).
It's also good not to judge a book by its cover. I've met people I found very attractive by society standards. One of the girls was previously bullied in school and tbh, my first impression of her was "I don't like her. She's a bully." Just based solely on looks. I haven't even spoken to her before. This was two years ago. The second girl is just very attractive, but we were talking a few days ago and she opened up to me about how self-conscious she was of her looks. I would've never thought someone that looked like her would be critical of the way she looks. I think this just goes to show that low self esteem can happen in anybody, beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and not everyone is shallow.
I think confidence is a big thing here. I'm friends with the second girl, and I ended up getting her number just by casually saying "give me your number and we'll talk later." No questions. I didn't really give her an option to decline. I wasn't looking for anything more than a friendship here, plus she has a boyfriend, but she did give me her number immediately. I've gotten another person's phone number by the same method. Avoid the questions. It's amazing what you can get just by saying what you want. Obviously, I've spoken to these people before just asking for their numbers. This wouldn't be a good method if you'd just met the person and this is the first thing you're saying to them. You just have to gain the confidence to walk up and say hello to people.
This is easy for me to say as an extrovert, but you have to get comfortable with being rejected. It's going to happen, but don't close yourself off to opportunities because you think everyone is going to reject you. One thing I learned is that women care the most about confidence and can usually sense when someone is nervous. I think the best relationships start out as friendships, which eliminates the dating apps altogether. 99% of the time, people on those apps are looking for hookups and are rarely looking for anything serious.
I'd say drop the apps and don't actively seek relationships. The best things come when you aren't looking.
My advice for dating & finding a partner: work on yourself first. Cultivate your interests, have hobbies, learn a skill, learn to be in touch with your emotions + cultivate good listening skills. People want to date people who are interesting and fun. Not saying you aren’t, and I recognize that social anxiety can make it hard for these interests to come out for sure, but that’s something you can learn skills to navigate and overcome for interacting with others. Put that in the “something to work on” category.
Understand that a relationship is the goal, but relationships take time to develop and aren’t instantaneous. Set realistic expectations for dates and meeting people - take it slow, focus on listening and learning about this new person. Focus on fun for your first few dates, and don’t try to do too much too fast (aka talking about serious relationship stuff too quickly in the dating phase - can be a turnoff, ymmv)
If looks are important, dress to impress. Evaluate your style. Are you dressing or styling yourself for the person you want to be with? Regular hygiene, grooming your hair and facial hair, fitness, and attention to how you’re dressing yourself go a long way. If you value how someone looks, you’ll be attracting those who also value looks - something important to keep in mind. And you don’t have to dress or groom yourself in a way that is inauthentic to you - find your style, play around with it, and you’ll find that happy place of looking good and feeling good.
Aaaaand be patient and keep trying! Go to meet-ups for things you’re interested in, strike up conversations with people in general, and as counterintuitive as it sounds: don’t focus too much on relationships. If you work on yourself and don’t put too much pressure on finding a partner, you will allow yourself to blossom & become that person who someone might wanna be with.
I agree 100% with Croconaw's stance on the dating apps. To be honest, I view them as my personal ecstasy, and it's as bad as being addicted to drugs. Once I start looking at all the beautiful women on these apps, I start to formulate things in my mind, like "man, would I love to be able to talk to her", or "I want to take her out to dinner". I swipe right, see another one, and I keep going until I run out. In reality, I've found out in the past that many of these accounts are bullcrap, and only exist because those "women" made them as a joke and aren't looking for anything serious other than an excuse to leave the house/dorm. It's a very tough reality to face, but it's the truth. Fortunately, I've since quit throwing my money at these apps, as I've finally realized a few months ago that it's a major waste of money. The real challenge, however, is trying to quit them entirely in the first place. I still swipe without paying a dime in hopes that a miracle occurs, but I know that for me it's as comparable as winning the Powerball.
It is much harder for males and minorities to find success on dating apps, and it sucks that I have to deal with it. Basically, if you have very impressive looks, you'll get likes. That's it. No other way to get 'em other than that. I don't consider myself really ugly - I like my facial appearance, though I probably need to lose several pounds as I've got a poor diet. My hygiene is well above average I'd say, and I try my best not to dress like a hobo. I've since learned from way too much experience that the honest and truthful things I put in my dating profiles are a waste of effort. Nobody wants to read how I'm genuine and being serious. If I don't get their attention in the first photo, they swipe left instantaneously.
If I'm ever going to combat my social anxiety, I've got to start going out in person to places (unfortunately by myself) and looking into activities I can join where there may potentially be females around my age. I think my Animal Crossing interest (and Nintendo in general) and me liking pets is a major first step. Going to my friends will most likely not be the best idea, as their methods of attracting women seem questionable to me. It's either that or find a quieter, friendlier place where people around my age like to gather and get lucky. I don't live in a big city, though I'm only ten miles away from a major university's campus, so the opportunity is basically right there. If anyone has recommendations on services I can use (other than Facebook as I don't plan on having an account there anytime soon) to look into such activities, feel free to let me know.
Honestly so many people who are struggling with dating say this as if they are only asking the bare minimum. It is the grand slam. She has to be a sweetie, like everything you like, and be conventionally beautiful. If after 6 years this isn’t working it’s time to shift gears. Physical attraction is important but scrap basing your potential dating partners so heavily on their appearance. Looks change over time. Start with trying to form an emotional connection first; you don’t have to try to seek out someone who already has all your same interests, because when you make a connection with someone you can gradually share those interests with them. When I met my partner I never gave a crap about anime, card games, travelling etc but I came to enjoy sharing those things with him as our relationship grew.
Also you mention how you’re approaching your mid twenties like you’re in your twilight years - I never went on a date until I was like 27! In my somewhat defense I was never looking for a relationship haha. But I also never held a picture in my head of how I wanted my future partner to look, so when the person came along who I really connected with there was nothing standing in my way.
can second this, emotional attraction always comes first and that provides the most solid foundation for a relationship. I believe looks are an added bonus; I find that after I've fallen for someone because of their personality and humour and quirks, I grow to love their appearance as well, but as a by-product of my love for them and who they are as a person. I couldn't imagine relying so much on looks, that makes things way more difficult and even a bit superficial imo.
I have that mentality big time, and it sucks. I say being 23 (24 in about two weeks) is within the ripe age range to find a partner, and I'm seriously afraid that if I wait too long, the only singles I'll find will be recent divorcees that have children. You can say I'm a bit paranoid uttering that statement, but I'm most definitely not ready to tackle the challenge of raising kids yet, nor am I completely sure I would want to do so in the first place. To be honest, I really should relax my opinion on that; I know that I've still got plenty of time. Indeed, I've personally known people myself that never dated anyone until their late 20's or early 30's, so all hope isn't lost.
As much as I want to find someone who is physically attractive to me, doing so with them also having a fantastic personality is nearly impossible. Most of the time, it's either one way or another. I've known women in high school that look nice on the outside, but are totally insane on the inside, and I could see it being displayed at certain times outside of school walls. In my opinion, someone's appearance is one of the major factors of liking someone in the first place, but it's also one of the hardest things to ignore as well. That, I think, will be my biggest factor to try and tackle.
