What's Bothering You?

Tomorrow i have to talk to my psychiatrist. I am not looking forward to the “Anything new going on with you? Are you going back to school?” I know he has to ask those questions but seriously how the f am i going to go back to school without money and while I still owe money for what years I had spent in college? And two, when he ask me if I found a job, no one wants to hire someone with anxiety or asperger’s but you know everything and anxiety is not considered a disability to you even though it is very debilitating! If he had took the time to help me find some help maybe then i can have a different answer for him. but since he lost my trust I’m keeping my answers short and not telling him more than necessary. i just need my medicine.
 
I wanted to start my next playthrough or FE3H but I’ve been feeling mentally drained the last few days and even though I am not really tired, I can’t get myself to move and get the game or if I start playing, I end up putting it aside and forgetting about it as I browse tbt. 😅 Oops sorry for the double post. I forgot it wouldn’t merge after so much time passed ><
 
My therapist hasn’t helped me process that “breakup” much. She just keeps saying I’ll be fine after a while. Time helps sure, but distraction is the only other thing helping. The second I quit doing something my mind ruminates on the lies, apathy, and mistreatment I went through. It was the same back in High School. If someone treats me terribly I just ruminate for ages. The less the other person cares about my suffering the worse it gets. Why does my therapist think time and distraction is all I need? I’m supposed to be receiving cognitive behavioral therapy for this.
 
I'm so grateful that I was able to be vaccinated yesterday but goodness I don't feel the best. Last night was pretty rough, sleep wise. When I went to bed my head hurt, my arm hurt, and my throat was bothering me which made my anxiety play up so that was a bummer. I tend to roll around quite a bit at night but it doesn't usually bother me however last night anytime I'd start to roll onto my arm it would hurt and wake me up. 😔 I feel so sleepy today and we're apparently heading for a heat wave which I'm not excited about. I want summer temperatures to max out at like... 20 degrees. None of this 29 and over nonsense, not even counting the humidity.

Edit: Also Ontario's re-opening plan confuses me. It's a three step plan, apparently, but we aren't even in step one yet...?? So it feels more like a four step plan they just... called it 3 steps? And the criteria needed to move through the steps confuses me a little, too. I think we need to see a drop in cases & meet a certain number of vaccinations and then we still can't move to the next step until 3 weeks have passed? Which is just kind of frustrating because with the vaccinations we're getting we're seeing a pretty big drop in cases (I feel like we were at 4,000 cases daily not too long ago and now we're under 1,000!!!) but we'll still be stuck in step 1 when we get there because it's not just case/vaccine dependent.

Unless I'm misunderstanding. Which I 100% could be. I feel like they always word the re-opening plans in a really confusing way and I'm just not the brightest bulb out there, lmao. I just want to be able to get my hair cut 😭 I don't mind having long hair - in fact I love it! But it's so long now that it's hard to put up in rollers and the ends are sad. But hair dressers don't open until step 2. 😔
 
Last edited:
Neb said:
My therapist hasn’t helped me process that “breakup” much. She just keeps saying I’ll be fine after a while. Time helps sure, but distraction is the only other thing helping. The second I quit doing something my mind ruminates on the lies, apathy, and mistreatment I went through. It was the same back in High School. If someone treats me terribly I just ruminate for ages. The less the other person cares about my suffering the worse it gets. Why does my therapist think time and distraction is all I need? I’m supposed to be receiving cognitive behavioral therapy for this.
Click to expand...
First of all I’d like to say that I’m very sorry this happened to you and you in no way deserved any of it. We all make choices in this world and we’re responsible for them, anybody who says otherwise is a toxic human being. You may have not made the best choices or did this or that, but you didn’t make them treat you like that. They did it and it’s on them. You know what kind of person you are and that’s what matters most.

Think of it this way; Your feelings are fire and your thoughts are air. When you think about past things you’re banking the fire. Those feelings of anger and sadness can be toxic for you and if you want them to lessen you need to try to stop feeding it and letting it spread. I’m not saying to bottle your feelings, more like you need to identify them, name them and problem solve them in your own mind. You need to accept that you might not get the answers or the closure from the people that hurt you. You need to come to a conscious decision for yourself about them and stick to it. Also find a creative or physical outlet for the emotions to make use of them rather than ignore them, just try to stop overthinking them. Eventually they will fade, they might not go away completely for awhile and there is no time limit to them. We tend to stick to what we know and what’s familiar and when ruminating is what’s familiar to you it’s not very easy to just switch things around, it takes practice and might not feel right at first. If your therapist can’t help you problem solve these things find someone else.
 
I just woke up after going back to sleep after my appointment with my psychiatrist and I feel like crap. I had a dream about a friend from middle school and high school I regret falling out touch with somethings and now I feel so terrible. this isn’t the first time i had a dream like this and in fact it had some stuff in it from a past dream.

And also my psychiatrist... 🤬
 
To be honest, I've been feeling a little frustrated recently. My boyfriend has been spending so much time on his phone or gaming, even when we go out to eat, and he hasn't set as much time aside for me. A mutual friend of ours has been going through relationship issues and always asking my boyfriend to be there for him instead. Our plans keep getting cancelled or postponed or changed to include this friend and I just want to feel like a priority again without being too needy.
 
I am sleepy and there is no reason for me to be tired even though I have been mentally drained for a few days now. Also not in the mood to talk to my counselor tomorrow; had enough today with my paychiatrist who unlike her shows not no emotion or any form of empathy or any sign he cares but yet he expects me to talk when he didn’t listen the one time i tried talking to him.
 
Bakugo bit another of my chargers I didn’t think he would be able to get this one because I thought I had it put up, but apparently not.oh and I have no way of charging my iPad right now because it needs two usb type B’s. Why does apple do this crap?
aDtfaAR.png
 
i messed up coloring and outlining this drawing i was almost done with. i want to throw it out but this is in my new sketch pad, so I guess I’ll retry under it after i trace it or something. but that doesn’t solve how worse it looks colored with colored pencils. :(
 
I am so mad right now. My brother has his wedding tomorrow. He organised it extremelly bad, to the point that I didn't even know the exact date and my father, who lives right next to him didn't even know where the wedding is held until he asked him two days ago.
So yeah.. since it was such a mess (and no, Corona rules are not an excuse for this) me and my fiancé couldn't make it, as my fiancé needs to know at least a month or so before to get a day off and anyways. We can't just plan a +1.300km trip in under a week, when I'm pregnant, my partner needs almost weekly important medicine and we have all the animals at home. But what annoys me the most right now, is that my brother mentioned only ONCE over phone quickly the POSSIBLE day of the wedding.. so I'm like "Okay, he will write it again when it's save to me". He didn't. He didn't even bother telling me anything, nothing (apparently nobody really got any information, see my Dad not even knowing where it's held).. so, I was preparing a card and two letters with some cute little things written inside, expecting it to send it out this weekend to arrive just in time for the weeding, as I was sure he said middle of June. Welp, I asked my Dad today when the wedding is exactly and he told me it's tomorrow. So now I won't be able to attend to the wedding and I won't even be able to have the letter delivered in time. Honestly, it's not my fault here, it's my brothers fault. He didn't organise a single bit the most important day of his freaking life. HOW???
I'm so freaking mad that I won't have the letter in time sent to him. I spent so much time and love into it and now it will arrive on a random day next week. jqksdflmelkfzekfejfqsdfd
 
me: nah I'm not a bookworm. I get terribly bored reading most books.
also me: *reads a 200,000-word fanfic in one sitting*

apparently an average novel is around 60k-100k words. idk I probably have a problem. I thoroughly enjoy reading my favorite ships and all the development they get in fanfiction.
 
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