What's Bothering You?

Finally heard back from my friend after I texted him an early happy bunny day. He did apologize for being very late to reply still…feel more sad now that i got some sort of response back from him. Probably would’ve been better if he didn’t message me, at least mood wise. I can’t stop my eyes from tearing up even with genshin in front of me and trying to figure out the egg clues. I’m tired of being sad and depresssed but at the same time, there is nothing else I want besides my best friend and things to go back to normal. I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to leave the house and meet people.

Also I might’ve chipped a filling on something while I was eating 😔. I’m hoping it is very minor that they can fix on my next appointment rather than make more than one appointment.
 
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I don't think I'm feeling okay. I've made a request to see a new mental health therapist. I'm basically continuing to act like a big loner in real life, which is causing me to have major mood swings both at work and in public. This "lone wolf" lifestyle is going to put my overall health in jeopardy.

Yesterday, I had a mood swing which involved a random thought of friends I hung out with in high school. I frequently reminisce about all the fun times and moments I had from all the way back then, and the mere thought of not being able to see any of them again is causing me to feel sick at times. I know that never seeing high school friends again is a very common occurrence, but for some reason, I'm still feeling very sentimental about those years. When I go out in public and see groups of friends my age hanging out and having a good time, I start to feel sad and sort of jealous that I'm not one of "them" anymore. The last time I made contact with a friend was in early November, and from what I could visually tell from their body language and tone, they suddenly made it seem like they didn't want to talk to me. At this point, the whole friend group I was in was already starting to collapse due to various factors, and now I've made no contact with any of them in nearly six months. I never told anyone that I wanted to be left alone, but after getting put on read all the time in the group chat, that basically was a sign that I'm unwanted. I then made the decision to quit Snapchat at the beginning of the year - announcing to the brick wall of friends that I'm done - and haven't regretted my decision since. With the exception of very occasional Instagram visits, I've abandoned social media completely.

Group this alongside my boss taking advantage of my higher-than-expected capabilities at the same time, and my mental health really started to take a hit. It wasn't until very recently did I send a message to her explaining the mental health crisis I've been going through, and she at least understood where I came from. When I unexpectedly got rear-ended on the job two weeks ago, that's when I decided to take a morning shift off to take a time-out and piece myself together again mentally. I've been given some resources to help with my anxiety, and I'm taking action this week to combat it.

I want new friends to hang out with at places again. I hate being lonely, and this needs to end.
 
don’t know how to feel about this but my boyfriend forgot when my birthday is. he said October 14, when it’s actually October 12. he apologized over and over and I know he’s very forgetful. It just makes me a little sad because we’ve been together for so long and I just can’t believe he forgot. He was just 2 days off but still, I make a point to remember his birthday. As an act of trying to make up for it he made his phone password my birthday so he wouldn’t forget. I love him and I know he didn’t mean to make me sad, but I can’t help but be a little on the down side.
 
3DS and Wii U wifi is closing down, and I’m on holiday (I’m definitely not complaining about being on holiday) so I can’t enjoy the last few days as much because the internet here is really bad and when I try and play it’s really annoying. But come on, WII U AND 3DS WIFI IS SHUTTING DOWN😭😭.
Plus it’s hot and I can’t deal with heat it’s so hot my brain is melting I wanna go swimming but it’s too hot to swim ahhh.
 
I keep dwelling on stuff I said or posted online and my anxiety is making me feel like nothing I say comes out sounding normal and not annoying 😔.

Trying my best now not to think of my best friend and how much I want to talk. he still hasn’t told me if he liked how I decorated my house and part of the exterior in genshin.

Haven’t been to sleep yet either. Been trying to distract myself from the intrusive thoughts. When I was trying to sleep, my dad was talking too loud and some noise (some sort of drilling) from one of our neighbors was bothering me.

Starting to feel a little depressed again. I’m hoping some sleep will help.
 
I accidentally bought the wrong brand of jasmine rice at the store today and it has a really funny taste 🥲 guess I'll have to go back soon and buy the correct one. it's funny bc the one I usually buy is actually cheaper, and yet it tastes better. like, huh?
 
work as per usual.
Got less days working this week, and I have no idea if it's because of what happened with my sister.
Sketchy shop with sketchy lies. I dunno if my sister removed the posts or nah. I never saw them. My boss seems more worried over the google review that wasnt in my sisters name to begin with?? Yet was never worried about the other negetive views on there lol.
Just need to find another job honestly.
 
I can’t believe I did this but I actually cried in front of a customer today at work. The subtotal and cash button are right next to each other, and my finger slipped and hit cash. It cashed out about 100$ worth of groceries so I had to rering everything. Not to mention, there were about 5 people in my line getting very annoyed at having to wait. She was so sweet about it, but I just felt really stupid. I have a bad mindset of when I mess up that I’m just stupid and a failure. I tried my best not to cry but I just had to. She was telling me everything was okay and offered to buy me a snack to calm me down. I really hate the embarrassment I got from that.
 
I'm shaking so ****ing much right now, having a hard time typing properly. I'm so sick of my family. Sick of dealing with their bull****. Sick of not feeling understood or accepted. Sick of always being told every little mistake I make or what I've done wrong. Sick of hearing the same condescending remarks and insults. Sick of living here. I don't know what to do or if anyone even cares, I just feel so defeated and alone in this household.
 
This is small compared to other things but Monster Hunter is so Joever for me. Reminds me too much of the guy I cut out, without a hunting buddy it’s not the same, the people I met there never talk to me unless I come up to talk about the game.

My experience with that guy left me more misanthropic than I have been in years. If it weren’t for this forum then socialising online would also be so Joever for me.
(Edit: for what it’s worth, I definitely think my life is better with some online socialisation. I just can only wade through so much. I’ve been there. My god man.)
 
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