im ok now :>

[daringred_]

disagree with everyone essentially saying it's wrong to be affectionate with your friends because that's just... blatantly false. if you misinterpret someone's affectionate behavior, that's on you, and you need to be open/honest with them about that. it's not their responsibility to guess how you're feeling, and it's not their fault if you don't set boundaries with them -- humans aren't psychic. it's good to see that you've told him you're uncomfortable with that sort of behavior though! i just disagree with everyone acting as though he's somehow in the wrong for it. if it makes you feel better, i only dated once briefly during highschool, and it wasn't a healthy relationship. i had a one-sided crush on her, and she used it to her advantage. like you, i always worried that i would die alone etc. and that nobody would ever want to be with me because i'm not particularly attractive. it's hard, especially when your friends tend to be on the dating scene. i would just recommend trying to focus on your schoolwork and your friendships/family instead. you don't need to search for love -- it'll find you when the time is right. trying to force it will likely only lead to further heartbreak and can put you at risk of being taken advantage of, which was what happened to me. it wasn't until shortly after i turned 19 that i started dating my current girlfriend (i'm 22 now) and some people don't start dating until even later. it's perfectly normal, so try not to worry!

 

[Corrie]

Love will come when it does. Pushing it won't help and you could wind up in an abusive relationship out of desperation thinking 'you won't find anyone else.'

 

[Croconaw]

Love will come when it does. Pushing it won't help and you could wind up in an abusive relationship out of desperation thinking 'you won't find anyone else.'

Yep, and trust me, you don’t want to go down that road. I spent so much time in an abusive relationship and basically forced them not to break up with me even though they made it clear they wanted to. It was just really toxic and I felt like a bad person because of it.

 

[Chris]

disagree with everyone essentially saying it's wrong to be affectionate with your friends because that's just... blatantly false. if you misinterpret someone's affectionate behavior, that's on you, and you need to be open/honest with them about that. it's not their responsibility to guess how you're feeling, and it's not their fault if you don't set boundaries with them -- humans aren't psychic. it's good to see that you've told him you're uncomfortable with that sort of behavior though! i just disagree with everyone acting as though he's somehow in the wrong for it.

I feel you've missed the context here. We're not saying it's wrong to be affectionate towards friends; we're saying it's inappropriate to knowingly behave this way towards someone who you know is romantically attracted to you—in this scenario she has directly told him, so there is no confusion on that front—when you don't feel the same way.

 

[moo_nieu]

disagree with everyone essentially saying it's wrong to be affectionate with your friends because that's just... blatantly false. if you misinterpret someone's affectionate behavior, that's on you, and you need to be open/honest with them about that. it's not their responsibility to guess how you're feeling, and it's not their fault if you don't set boundaries with them -- humans aren't psychic. it's good to see that you've told him you're uncomfortable with that sort of behavior though! i just disagree with everyone acting as though he's somehow in the wrong for it. if it makes you feel better, i only dated once briefly during highschool, and it wasn't a healthy relationship. i had a one-sided crush on her, and she used it to her advantage. like you, i always worried that i would die alone etc. and that nobody would ever want to be with me because i'm not particularly attractive. it's hard, especially when your friends tend to be on the dating scene. i would just recommend trying to focus on your schoolwork and your friendships/family instead. you don't need to search for love -- it'll find you when the time is right. trying to force it will likely only lead to further heartbreak and can put you at risk of being taken advantage of, which was what happened to me. it wasn't until shortly after i turned 19 that i started dating my current girlfriend (i'm 22 now) and some people don't start dating until even later. it's perfectly normal, so try not to worry!

its not wrong to be affectionate towards your friends. they arent simply friends who are being affectionate though, one has feelings that arent reciprocated and is having a hard time moving on due to the affectionate behavior of the other. like i said earlier, it seems to be causing her quite a bit of pain so she should decide to set boundaries or decide that its something shes okay with. the person looked up their username and read all of her posts so he knows how she feels and she has told him. of course its okay to be lovey dovey or affectionate with friends, but if its really hurting one person then i dont think thats the same thing. i have known people who take advantage of these situations and dont really care about how they hurt the other person. again im not saying that is for sure the case, but i think its worth considering since she is feeling a lot of pain over this

 

[daringred_]

I feel you've missed the context here. We're not saying it's wrong to be affectionate towards friends; we're saying it's inappropriate to knowingly behave this way towards someone who you know is romantically attracted to you (in this exact scenario she has directly told him, so there is no confusion on that front) when you don't feel the same way.

i'll politely disagree unless she specified before now to him that she was uncomfortable with the hand-holding etc. we don't know how this individual behaves around people in general. he could just have an overly affectionate personality. doing such things could simply be a reflex and his way of "including" people he cares about. he might not even see those things as romantic gestures or as having romantic undertones (especially since it sounds like he's doing them with someone he only feels platonically for) and therefore not know where the line is drawn. regardless, he simply might not realize/understand that the hand-holding etc. makes things awkward/worse for her until told. sure, if i was in his position, i would stop at the reveal of an unreciprocated crush simply because i'm an awkward person, but i am not him or anyone else. that's why it's important to explain to him that such behavior is no longer welcome. i just think the term "inappropriate" is a little strong because to me it implies he's in the wrong and doing these things with the intention of making her feel bad which very well may not be the case. we don't know him.

Post automatically merged: Nov 9, 2021

its not wrong to be affectionate towards your friends. they arent simply friends who are being affectionate though, one has feelings that arent reciprocated and is having a hard time moving on due to the affectionate behavior of the other. like i said earlier, it seems to be causing her quite a bit of pain so she should decide to set boundaries or decide that its something shes okay with. the person looked up their username and read all of her posts so he knows how she feels and she has told him. of course its okay to be lovey dovey or affectionate with friends, but if its really hurting one person then i dont think thats the same thing. i have known people who take advantage of these situations and dont really care about how they hurt the other person. again im not saying that is for sure the case, but i think its worth considering since she is feeling a lot of pain over this

believe me, i'm well aware that people will take advantage of crushes. like i said in that post, it's what happened to me. she knew about my crush on her, and she continued being affectionate with me when she saw fit despite not reciprocating because she knew she could get things out of me as a result, but that's just the type of person she was, and i try not to view everyone through the same lens -- especially when i don't know them personally. i'm not disagreeing that you shouldn't be affectionate with someone if it's causing them pain, my point is that he might not know the hand-holding etc. is causing her pain, and that's why it's important for her to discuss it with him and make sure he's aware so he can stop. if he doesn't after that, well... that says enough about him imo, but i can't currently fault him for something he might not even be aware of.

 

[moo_nieu]

i'll politely disagree unless she specified before now to him that she was uncomfortable with the hand-holding etc. we don't know how this individual behaves around people in general. he could just have an overly affectionate personality. doing such things could simply be a reflex and his way of "including" people he cares about. he might not even see those things as romantic gestures or as having romantic undertones (especially since it sounds like he's doing them with someone he only feels platonically for) and therefore not know where the line is drawn. regardless, he simply might not realize/understand that the hand-holding etc. makes things awkward/worse for her until told. sure, if i was in his position, i would stop at the reveal of an unreciprocated crush simply because i'm an awkward person, but i am not him or anyone else. that's why it's important to explain to him that such behavior is no longer welcome. i just think the term "inappropriate" is a little strong because to me it implies he's in the wrong and doing these things with the intention of making her feel bad which very well may not be the case. we don't know him.

Post automatically merged: Nov 9, 2021

believe me, i'm well aware that people will take advantage of crushes. like i said in that post, it's what happened to me. she knew about my crush on her, and she continued being affectionate with me when she saw fit despite not reciprocating because she knew she could get things out of me as a result, but that's just the type of person she was, and i try not to view everyone through the same lens -- especially when i don't know them personally. i'm not disagreeing that you shouldn't be affectionate with someone if it's causing them pain, my point is that he might not know the hand-holding etc. is causing her pain, and that's why it's important for her to discuss it with him and make sure he's aware so he can stop. if he doesn't after that, well... that says enough about him imo, but i can't currently fault him for something he might not even be aware of.

i agree 100% that its important for her to set those boundaries and let him know how his actions are making her feel (if she decides she wants to) because he may not realize how his actions are hurting her. i think he could possibly be more sensitive about it since hes aware of how she feels, but it doesnt for sure mean hes doing it to take advantage of her (if he really just doesnt connect those actions with being romantic)

 

[daringred_]

i agree 100% that its important for her to set those boundaries and let him know how his actions are making her feel (if she decides she wants to) because he may not realize how his actions are hurting her. i think he could possibly be more sensitive about it since hes aware of how she feels, but it doesnt for sure mean hes doing it to take advantage of her (if he really just doesnt connect those actions with being romantic)

oh, for sure! my understanding, skimming these threads when i see them, is that they agreed to continue being friends, and since he was (presumably) already exhibiting this behavior with her as a friend before she confessed her feelings, he might be completely unaware that this aspect of their friendship needs to be dialed back. since i think she said she's told him though, hopefully he'll understand and be less affectionate with her in the future, which might help her 'get over him', as they say.

 

[tomatospooks666]

I agree with this. If he isn't interested in you, then he shouldn't be engaging in overly affectionate behaviour. You're not going to be able to get over him if he is behaving this way. In the short-term it might seem sweet and make you feel good, but when you're older you'll look back on this behaviour and realise that is actually very unfair of him to do this to you. He's essentially dangling a treat in front of a dog and never handing it over. If you don't put a stop to this behaviour now there's a good chance you'll end up resenting him for leading you on like this later.

He shouldn’t be doing those things if he’s not interested. I know this has already been said, but I’ve experienced this firsthand. A few years ago, I was flirting back and forth with this girl but she had no intentions of moving forward. She even made an excuse to touch me on several occasions by fixing my uniform, touching my sleeve because she was curious about the fabric, etcetera. It was obvious flirting with her words and actions, but because she had no intention to progress things, it really tainted my view on relationships. Now I’m unsure what to think when a girl starts flirting with me. I’ve gotten over the whole situation with the last girl, but things like this can impact you in the future, especially since you’re still young.

yeah, i don't know why people are acting like this dude is some mustache-twirling manipulator just for being outwardly affectionate. like, speaking as someone who's been told i was being too affectionate and misleading, the guy could just be a generally affectionate person and is just doing it in a way to want to be nice and friendly. not to harp on it, but as someone who was the "overly affectionate guy" i just felt like i should give a 2 cents.

 

[pulper]

i told him that his affection was making it hard to move on and he understood and we talked everything out, he told me i was very likeable and that he says he knows ill find a person for me. he had no bad intentions

 

[TheWildShadow55]

i told him that his affection was making it hard to move on and he understood and we talked everything out, he told me i was very likeable and that he says he knows ill find a person for me. he had no bad intentions

I'm a little late to this thread, but that's good to hear! I do agree with other people that platonic affection isn't a bad thing HOWEVER when the other person is trying to get over the one who is still giving such affection to try and keep them "hooked", now that is problematic. Thankfully, that doesn't appear to be this person's intention and I'm glad this has been sorted.
Anyway, on the subject of relationships, it may take time but you'll find "the one" eventually, and plus, you're important, more so than a relationship at this point tbh. I've had a very hard time accepting that until recently because I used to feel like I was nothing more than a hole of a person if I wasn't in some romantic relationship, but after a recent fallout me and someone who I thought was perfect for me had a few months ago, I did some serious re-evaluating of my wants vs. my needs, and I can say that has honestly helped me a lot mentally. Granted, I'm not that old (I'm 18, for reference), so there is a lot I have to learn as well. I think the main takeaway here is that you should put your own mental health and feelings first before worrying about committing to someone else's, if that makes sense.
I hope things go well for you!

 

[pulper]

I'm a little late to this thread, but that's good to hear! I do agree with other people that platonic affection isn't a bad thing HOWEVER when the other person is trying to get over the one who is still giving such affection to try and keep them "hooked", now that is problematic. Thankfully, that doesn't appear to be this person's intention and I'm glad this has been sorted.
Anyway, on the subject of relationships, it may take time but you'll find "the one" eventually, and plus, you're important, more so than a relationship at this point tbh. I've had a very hard time accepting that until recently because I used to feel like I was nothing more than a hole of a person if I wasn't in some romantic relationship, but after a recent fallout me and someone who I thought was perfect for me had a few months ago, I did some serious re-evaluating of my wants vs. my needs, and I can say that has honestly helped me a lot mentally. Granted, I'm not that old (I'm 18, for reference), so there is a lot I have to learn as well. I think the main takeaway here is that you should put your own mental health and feelings first before worrying about committing to someone else's, if that makes sense.
I hope things go well for you!

thanks, im trying to focus on becoming better myself before i even think about being in a relationship and even then im trying to not be too worried about being with anyone right now. im probably going to close this thread if i figure out how. thanks everyone for the encouragement :>

 

[Chris]

im probably going to close this thread if i figure out how.

We don't allow members to close their own threads in discussion boards. Just let it sink if it's done serving it's purpose.

 

[pulper]

oh darn ok that makes sense

 

[pulper]

GUYS he said he actually DOES LIKE ME so i am very exited but thank you for all the support ill update if anything else happens :> :> :>

 

[Croconaw]

GUYS he said he actually DOES LIKE ME so i am very exited but thank you for all the support ill update if anything else happens :> :> :>

That’s great to hear. I hope it’s just him realizing his true feelings, like he doesn’t just feel bad. I’m not trying to be negative here, but that happens sometimes and just urge you to be careful. I’m really happy for you and good luck with everything.

 

[pulper]

That’s great to hear. I hope it’s just him realizing his true feelings, like he doesn’t just feel bad. I’m not trying to be negative here, but that happens sometimes and just urge you to be careful. I’m really happy for you and good luck with everything.

yeah he said it was just that he didnt like me yet and after i told him he said he realized it, i get your point though but i believe hes being genuine :> thank you for being so kind

 

[pulper]

UPDATE: we're dating now and i still cant believe it :0

 

[Croconaw]

UPDATE: we're dating now and i still cant believe it :0

Great job! I’m happy for you.