• Guest, can you feel the love in the air? Valentine's Week at The Bell Tree has begun with a new mini-event featuring four activities to enjoy -- new and returning collectibles are up for grabs! Dive in to the love here.

Joke's on You! (Heard any good ones? )

Good ones. ^_^

A woman walks into a pharmacy.

She tells the pharmacist she needs some cyanide.

"Why in the world would you need cyanide??" He asks.

The woman explains that she needs it to kill her husband.

The pharmacists eyes get big. "Good Lord!! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! It's against the law! I will lose my license and they will throw us both in jail! Just leave and forget you ever came in here before I call the police!"

The woman then reaches into her purse and pulls out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacists wife. The pharmacist looks at the pictures and says.. "Well now, you didn't tell me you had a prescription."
 
Hehehe ^_^


So there was this man in Bulgaria who drove trains for a living.
He loved his job. Driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible. Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out, but a single person died. Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incident. He was found guilty, and was sentenced to death by electrocution. When the day of the execution came, he requested a single banana as his last meal. After eating the banana, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was flown, sparks flew, and smoke filled the air - but nothing happened. The man was perfectly fine.


Well, at the time, there was an old Bulgarian law that said a failed execution was a sign of divine intervention, so the man was allowed to go free. Somehow, he managed to get his old job back driving the train. Having not learned his lesson at all, he went right back to driving the train with reckless abandon. Once again, he caused a train to crash, this time killing two people. The trial went much the same as the first, resulting in a sentence of execution. For his final meal, the man requested two bananas. After eating the bananas, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was thrown, sparks flew, smoke filled the room - and the man was once again unharmed.


Well, this of course meant that he was free to go. And once again, he somehow managed to get his old job back. To what should have been the surprise of no one, he crashed yet another train and killed three people. And so he once again found himself being sentenced to death. On the day of his execution, he requested his final meal: three bananas.


"You know what? No," said the executioner. "I've had it with you and your stupid bananas and walking out of here unharmed. I'm not giving you a thing to eat; we're strapping you in and doing this now." Well, it was against protocol, but the man was strapped in to the electric chair without a last meal. The switch was pulled, sparks flew, smoke filled the room - and the man was still unharmed. The executioner was speechless.


The man looked at the executioner and said, "Oh, the bananas had nothing to do with it. I'm just a bad conductor."
 
Ehehehe! :)


All the organs of the body were having a meeting trying to decide who the one in charge was.

?I should be in charge,? said the brain, ?Because I run all the body?s systems, so without me nothing would happen.?

?I should be in charge,? said the blood, ?Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you?d all waste away.?

?I should be in charge,? said the stomach,? Because I process food and give all of you energy.?

?I should be in charge,? said the legs, ?because I carry the body wherever it needs to go.?

?I should be in charge,? said the eyes, ?Because I allow the body to see where it goes.?

?I should be in charge,? said the rectum, ?Because I?m responsible for waste removal.?

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache. The stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss

The Moral of the story? Even though the others do all the work, the ******* is usually in charge.
 
Hehehe. ;)

One day, Einstein has to speak at an important science conference.

On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him:


"I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!"


The driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could give the conference in your place."


"That's a great idea!" says Einstein. "Let's switch places then!"


So they switch clothes and as soon as they arrive, the driver dressed as Einstein goes on stage and starts giving the usual speech, while the real Einstein, dressed as the car driver, attends it.


But in the crowd, there is one scientist who wants to impress everyone and thinks of a very difficult question to ask Einstein, hoping he won't be able to respond. So this guy stands up and interrupts the conference by posing his very difficult question. The whole room goes silent, holding their breath, waiting for the response.


The driver looks at him, dead in the eye, and says :


"Sir, your question is so easy to answer that I'm going to let my driver reply to it for me."
 
What time is it when a lion arrives?
- Time to quit "lion" around and go.

What kind of animal ticks like a clock and barks?
- A watchdog.

What do you call twin brothers?
- A sunset.
 
^_^

A man walks into a library, approaches the librarian and says, โ€œIโ€™ll have a cheeseburger and fries, please.โ€

The librarian says, โ€œSir, you know youโ€™re in a library, right?โ€

โ€œSorry,โ€ he whispers. โ€œIโ€™ll have a cheeseburger and fries, please.โ€
 
I got a couple cheesy jokes:

1# A rough collie dog saw a cat and asked what was wrong. The cat said it was tasered. Then, the rough collie said, "wow, that sounds rough!"

2# I was crying yesterday. You know why? Because an onion made a very good sob story! Get it?

I bet someone is cringing at these horrible jokes lol.
 
Maybe, but they're still worthy! XD

- - - Post Merge - - -

I wasn't expecting that someone had moved my thread to the Basement; I'd appreciate a little heads-up from the movers next time, but I'm glad it wasn't deleted!

What do you call a man that has no shins?
- Tony.

Why are ghosts bad liars?
- You can see right through them.

Why do the French eat snails?
- They don't like fast food.
 
It's been too long since my last joke! Bad Marzipan! :(


Can dogs have MRI's?
- No, but cat scan.

What do you call a man who can't stand up?
- Neil.

Why shouldn't you trust stairs?
- They're always up to something...

What lies at the bottom of the sea and twitches?
- A nervous wreck.

What's the worst thing about sea sickness?
- It comes in waves.

What do you do with a sick chemist?
- If you can't helium and you can't curium, then you may as well barium!

Why is it a bad idea to insult an octopus?
- Because it is well armed.

What is the worst combination of two sicknesses?
- Diarrhea and Alzheimer. Youโ€™re running, but you donโ€™t know where.

What do you do when the phone rings and you get a private caller?
- Don't answer that. Pick up for ranks Lieutenant and higher only.

Why are cliffhanger endings are incredibly frustrating?
- They just

Why was last weekโ€™s Clairvoyants Associated meeting cancelled?
- Unpredictable reasons.

What is the tallest piece of furniture?
- The bookcase. Itโ€™s got the most stories.
 
What's the difference between butane and gasoline?

Butane is a lighter fluid.


:lemon:
 
7axq9ubfeb141.jpg
 
Just heard a new one that I'm prob gonna say many more times after this:

What kind of car does Waluigi drive?

A VolksWAAAAAAAgen!
 
You must log in or register to reply here.

Similar threads

Duchess
Good Morrow!
Replies
11
Views
144
Hat'
Hat'
GreenTeaHarbor1297
Castlevania Games: Do you prefer Classic-vania or Metroid-vania?
Replies
2
Views
106
Psydye
Psydye
SkyKnight03
Do you like any unpopular music?
2
Replies
30
Views
914
cornimer
cornimer
Oshie
Any good Cottagecore villagers? Quick tips appreciated! <3
Replies
2
Views
410
QueenCobra
QueenCobra
Suguri
Fanfiction? ๐Ÿ“–
2
Replies
38
Views
842
VernalLapin
VernalLapin
Back
Top