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Joke's on You! (Heard any good ones? )

Helped a friend with a message for a Party Popper on here.

So I found this joke!

‘A New Year’s Resolution goes in one year and out the other’! :lemon:
 
Helped a friend with a message for a Party Popper on here.

So I found this joke!

‘A New Year’s Resolution goes in one year and out the other’! :lemon:

Hehe, good one! ^_^
 
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This was voted the funniest joke in the world. I'm not sure I'd go that far, but it's not bad!

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn?t seem to be breathing and his eyes have rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his mobile phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: ?My friend is dead! What can I do?? The operator, in a soothing voice, says: ?Just take it easy. I can help. First, let?s make sure he?s dead.? There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy?s voice comes back on the line. He says: ?OK, now what??
 
Oh dear... :0
That's terrible XD

- - - Post Merge - - -

Why should you think of becoming a hitman?
- I hear they make a killing...
 
A german shepherd dog went to a telegram office and wrote: ?Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof.? The clerk examined the paper and told the dog: ?There are only nine words here. You could send another ?Woof? for the same price.? ?But,? the dog replied, ?that would make no sense at all.?

^_^
 
The clerk be like: ?o?

- - - Post Merge - - -

Why do mermaids wear seashells?
- B shells are too small and D shells are too big.
 
Here's a couple. They made me laugh. ^_^

A man takes his sick Chihuahua to the veterinarian. They?re immediately taken back to a room.

Soon, a Labrador walks in, sniffs the Chihuahua for 10 minutes and leaves. Then a cat comes in, stares at the Chihuahua for 10 minutes and leaves. Finally, the doctor
comes in, prescribes some medicine and hands the man a $250 bill.

?This must be a mistake,? the man says. ?I?ve been here only 20 minutes!?

?No mistake,? the doctor says. ?It?s $100 for the lab test, $100 for the cat scan and $50 for the medicine.?


And another one. ^_^


A man was driving down the road when a policeman stopped him. The officer looked in the back of the man?s truck and said, ?Why are these penguins in your truck??

The man replied, ?These are my penguins. They belong to me.?

?You need to take them to the zoo,? the policeman said.

The next day, the officer saw the same guy driving down the road. He pulled him over again. He saw the penguins were still in the truck, but they were wearing sunglasses this time. ?I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo!? the officer said.

?I did,? the man replied. ?And today I?m taking them to the beach."



^_^
 
"You didn't see anything! "

- - - Post Merge - - -

Which country's capital has the largest growing population?
- Ireland; it's Dublin every day.
 
Hehehe. ^_^

A bus carrying many people crashed on an icy road, burst into flames, and everyone died. Upon arrival in heaven, God said, "Since you have died in a terrible way, I'll grant you one wish before I let you into heaven." The first woman, being a person always concerned on her looks, comes up to God and says "I wish to be beautiful." God grants her wish. The next person can?t decide on what to wish for, so he ends up wishing for the same thing. At this point a man at the very back of the line starts to laugh. The next couple, seeing how utterly wondrous the two have become, make their wish to become beautiful also, and the man at the end laughs even louder. One after another, the people wish for the same thing. The closer God gets to the end of the line, the harder the man laughs. When God finally reaches him, he asks "What is your wish my son?" The man says, "Make them all ugly again!"
 
Talking Dog for Sale. ^_^

A guy spots a sign outside a house that reads ?Talking Dog for Sale.? Intrigued, he walks in.

?So what have you done with your life?? he asks the dog.

?I?ve led a very full life,? says the dog. ?I lived in the Alps rescuing avalanche victims. Then I served my country in Iraq. And now I spend my days reading to the residents of a retirement home.?

The guy is flabbergasted. He asks the dog?s owner, ?Why on Earth would you want to get rid of an incredible dog like that??

The owner says, ?Because he?s a liar! He never did any of that!?
 
I guess his bark's worse than his bite!


Why shouldn't you walk in the woods?
- The trees seem kinda shady.
 
I like this one. ^_^

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says, ?Hang on! You?re a duck.?

?Yep,? replies the duck.

?And you can talk!? exclaims the barman.

?Yep again?, says the duck, ?Now if you don?t mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please??

?Certainly, sorry about that?, says the barman as he pulls the duck?s pint. ?It?s just we don?t get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way??

?I?m working on the building site across the road,?explains the duck. ?I?m a plasterer.?

The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.

So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.

The same thing happens for two weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town.

The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him, ?You?re with the circus, aren?t you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus.
He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!?

?Sounds marvellous,? says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. ?Get him to give me a call.?

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, ?Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money.?

?I?m always looking for the next job,? Says the duck.

?Where is it??

?At the circus,? Says the barman.

?The circus?? Repeats the duck.

?That?s right,? replies the barman.

?The circus?? The duck asks again, ?with the big tent??

?Yeah,? the barman replies.

?With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?? says the duck.

?Of course,? the barman replies.

?And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?? persists the duck.

?That?s right!? says the barman.

The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says ??. ?What the HELL would they want with a plasterer??
 
^_^

A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on."

The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now."

The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!"

His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."
 
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