The Internet's Worst Advice Column

[ForestFox]

Have the motivation.

How can you claim you didn’t slap someone even though a bunch of people saw it, and there were cameras?

 

[Midoriya]

Blame it on the Master Hand from Super Smash Brothers. It was obviously him!

How do I skydive?

 

[ravenclaw_equestrian]

Just get on a plane and jump out of it, it’s that easy.

How do I meet Taylor Swift?

 

[Xara]

stalk her relentlessly.

how do i start taking better care of myself?

 

[NovariusHaze]

Start taking worse care of yourself, then stop doing that.

How do I get more shiny Pokémon on Poliwager Adoptables?

 

[ForestFox]

Black market

How can I get free food from restaurants

 

[Kitsuragi]

go behind the counter and make it yourself, and also don't forget to ask for your paycheck.

how do i stop my back from hurting?

 

[ravenclaw_equestrian]

Attach more skin to your back. Then the pain is in your middle.

How do I get better at shading (as in a drawing)?

 

[ForestFox]

Have art lessons or smthing

How can I get a ceo position at a company I have no experience in

 

[Neb]

Invest in stocks until the higher ups at the company are blinded by your wealth. They’ll give out the status regardless of skill!

How do I keep my puppy entertained when I’m too tired to play with him?

 

[Millysaurusrexjr]

Hire a clown to play with and look after your puppy when you are too tired. The bonus is that you too will be entertained by the clown help, unless you are scared of clowns in which case this would motivate you to keep entertaining your tiny doggo yourself so you can keep the clowns at bay.

How can I keep the house clean?

 

[TurnipBell20]

Build a house underwater, it will always be clean.

I feel horrible for no reason. What can I do?

 

[Xara]

just be happy and think positive.
just so everyone knows, i want to kick my own ass for writing this lmao.

how do i stop staying up later than i should?

 

[Millysaurusrexjr]

Hire a beefy muscular man to hit you on the head with a comically large mallet at whatever is your preferred bed time. This is how you quickly establish a regular sleep schedule.

How can I get better at math?

 

[NovariusHaze]

Make everyone else worse at math.

How do I conquer the world?

 

[ZeldaCrossing64]

Consult your friend and associate, Pinky. The world will be in your mousy hands by then. (Shameless reference.)

How do I not shower crumbs everywhere when I'm eating?

 

[NovariusHaze]

Turn your shower handle to off setting.

How do I get a job as a video game developer?

 

[TurnipBell20]

Play Game Dev Tycoon, and try to teleport yourself into the game.

How can I stop thinking about things that are not important and just make me nervous?

 

[NovariusHaze]

Just watching YouTube and play video games constantly until you forget about your worries.

How does one simply walk into Mordor?

 

[-Blue-]

Step forward, one foot in front of the other. Repeat this until at Mordor.

How do I run as fast as The Flash?