The out of context quotes thread

[Captain Jigglypuff]

“Now there was a fine upstanding black man.”
“Who?”
“Jesus Christ.”
“But Gary, Jesus was white.”
“No. Jesus was black.”
“I’m pretty sure Jesus was white.”
*Gary and Kate start to argue when Princeton interrupts them*
“Guys! Guys! Jesus was Jewish.”
*All three burst into laughter*

 

[xSuperMario64x]

“I’m sorry, Greg, but your body is dying. And your head is dying too, cop.”

“Rats! I sure hate my dying head!”

 

[Captain Jigglypuff]

*Miss Piggy is climbing up the side of a house and slips and she dangles for a few seconds before repositioning herself*
“Next time they want stunts, they get a double!”

 

[Captain Jigglypuff]

“I haven’t been outside in twelve years.”
“You aren’t missing much.”
“Well there’s no sense in me being here all the time. The children are gone, the pets are dead.”
*Miss Piggy hides herself by ducking underneath some shelves with an open back. Kermit then rings the doorbell from outside. The wealthy married couple in the dining room stare at each other.*
“Isn’t that the doorbell?”
“Yes it was.”
“Well aren’t you going to answer it?”
“No. The butler can do it.”
*Doorbell continues to go off*
“We don’t have a butler anymore.”
“Right. The butler’s dead.”
“No. The pets are dead. The butler’s been discharged.”
“For what?”
“He was stealing the good China, remember?”
*Doorbell keeps going off and Miss Piggy suddenly comes out of hiding rather annoyed and runs towards the door*
“I’LL GET IT!!!!”
*Couple stare at each other*
“I thought you said that the pets were dead.”

 

[QueenCobra]

“When I come back, you better be holding that gator.”

 

[xSuperMario64x]

edit: an even better one:

 

[Suguri]

Oh, hello! Welcome to homestarrunner.net!

It's ".com".

Oh, right!

homestarrunner.net! "It's dot com!"

 

[SkyKnight03]

"Yeah? Well, you know, that's just like uh, your opinion, man".

 

[Mr.Fox]

Oh, hello! Welcome to homestarrunner.net!

It's ".com".

Oh, right!

homestarrunner.net! "It's dot com!"

‘Cheerleader! So-and-So! What’s her Face! The Ugly One!’

 

[Captain Jigglypuff]

“I’ve always wanted to be a nurse. They’ve got such pretty shoes!”

 

[SkyKnight03]

"We're a band of vicious pirates!
A sailin´ out to sea,
When you hear our gentle singing...
You'll be sure to turn and flee"!

"Oh, this is just ridiculous".

 

[QueenCobra]

"What is the charge? Eating a meal? A succulent Chinese meal?"

 

[Captain Jigglypuff]

“I CAN’T EVEN GET A TAXI!”

 

[Captain Jigglypuff]

F is for fire,
Made with logs and a lighter.
Throw Daddy’s wallet in,
it’ll burn brighter!
Now Daddy is shouting
Like you’ve never heard.
And he keeps repeating
A different F word.

 

[-Blue-]

So assessing the situation. Are they breathing?
No, Rose. They are not breathing. And they have no arms or legs.
No, that's not part of it
Where are they? You know what? If we come across somebody with no arms or legs, do we bother resuscitating them? I mean, what quality of life do we have there?
I wouldn't want to live with no legs.
How about no arms? No arms or legs is basically how you exist right now, Kevin. You don't do anything.

 

[Midoriya]

"Hey, Ralph! I need that cake extra stat!"

"Ralph...?"

*Ace opens the door to the bakery room and finds everyone singing and dancing*

"WE'RE NOT GONNA BAKE IT! NO! WE'RE NOT GONNA BAKE IT! WE'RE NOT GONNA BAKE IT, ANYMORRRRRRRRRRREEE!!"

"Um... what is going on in here?"

*All of a sudden Hulk Hogan appears and walks up to Ace*

"LET ME TELL YA SOMETHING, BROTHER. THESE BAKERS ARE TIRRRRED OF YOUR STRICT RULES AND TIME LIMITS FOR BAKING CAKES AND OTHER SWEETS. MY GRANMA ALWAYS TOLD ME, YOU CAN'T RUSH A GOOD-TASTING CAKE, SONNNNN! SO WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO, WHEN THESE BROTHERS AND HULKMANIA, BAKE A CAKE... USING YOU???" *Hulk Hogan flexes*

Ace:

 

[-Mars-]

"So you say you're immune to my punches eh? What are you made of exactly?"
"Memes"
"Oh yeah? Well memes won't help you accomplish anything in life kid"

 

[Captain Jigglypuff]

“Praying to Santa? You guys might have mixed up Christmas icons here.”

 

[QueenCobra]

“She lives underneath the mattress on a skateboard.”

 

[Captain Jigglypuff]

“Divine intervention from Santa. That just happened!”