“Well, it looks like it’s just you and me, Ruffles. Ruffles? Ruffles?! Oh god no….”
*Chris sits down on the couch when a toy squeak is heard and six Jack in the box clowns pop out from the couch and makes him scream*
"I'm really sorry, Syl, but I just gotta try...I know this seems bananas, and I must be plum outta my melon, but I don't pear!
The way I fig-ure, even the rottenest apple still has a sweet spot at its core...KUMQUAT!"
“It's amazing how good governments are, given their track records in almost every other field, at hushing up things like alien encounters. One reason may be that the aliens themselves are too embarrassed to talk about it.
It's not known why most of the space-going races of the universe want to undertake rummaging in Earthling underwear as a prelude to formal contact. But representatives of several hundred races have taken to hanging out, unsuspected by one another, in rural corners of the planet and, as a result of this, keep on abducting other would-be abductees. Some have been in fact abducted while waiting to carry out an abduction on a couple of aliens trying to abduct the aliens who were, as a result of misunderstood instructions, trying to form cattle into circles and mutilate crops.
The planet Earth is now banned to all alien races until they can compare notes and find out how many, if any, real humans they have actually got. It is gloomily suspected that there is only one - who is big, hairy, and has very large feet.
The truth may be out there, but the lies are inside your head.”
I feel like the takeaway should be “treat ladies nice because it’s the right thing to do” not “treat ladies nice, otherwise they’ll toss you into a volcano.”
“YOU KILLED OUR FRIENDS JUST LIKE YOU KILLED ALL OF THOSE KIDS TWENTY YEARS AGO!”
“Why does everyone keep saying that? The camp got shut down because of the zebra mussels.”
“Picture a tall, dark figure, surrounded by cornfields...
NO, YOU CAN'T RIDE A CAT. WHO EVER HEARD OF THE DEATH OF RATS RIDING A CAT? THE DEATH OF RATS WOULD RIDE SOME KIND OF DOG.
Picture more fields, a great horizon-spanning network of fields, rolling in gentle waves...
DON'T ASK ME I DON'T KNOW. SOME KIND OF TERRIER, MAYBE.
...fields of corn, alive, whispering in the breeze...
RIGHT, AND THE DEATH OF FLEAS CAN RIDE IT TOO. THAT WAY YOU KILL TWO BIRDS WITH ONE STONE.
...awaiting the clockwork of the seasons.
METAPHORICALLY.”
"Yeah, there were horses, and a man on fire, and I killed a guy with a trident."
"Brick, I've been meaning to talk to you about that. You should find yourself a safehouse or a relative close by. Lay low for a while, because you're probably wanted for murder."
“Once I transfer my consciousness into a Smurf body, I’ll infiltrate their village and destroy them all!”
“Meow?”
“Will I what?”
*Azrael looks confused*
“M-meow?”
“WILL I [BLEEP] THEM BEFORE I EAT THEM?!”
“Meow! Meow!”
“Oh will I cook them before eating them!”
*Gargamel and Azrael both laugh at the misunderstanding*
“But seriously, you were almost ready to be looking for a new apartment.”
"It's sitting on a couple elephants standing on top of a big turtle."
"If your theory is correct madam, what does this turtle stand on?"
"...It's a turtle in the vast emptiness of space. It doesn't stand. It swims. Through a literal ocean of stars! No one's quite sure about where it's going or why. A man named Rincewind was once sent by spaceship to at least figure out if it was male or female, and even that minor attempt to understand the creature ended in failure. Occasionally it will move out of the way of an asteroid or some such. Or maybe it will just snap at it if it feels like it.
People think that it is strange to have a turtle ten thousand miles long and an elephant more than two thousand miles tall, which just shows that the human brain is ill-adapted for thinking, and was probably originally designed for cooling the blood. It believes mere size is amazing. There's nothing amazing about size. Turtles are amazing, and elephants are quite astonishing. But the fact that there's a big turtle is far less amazing than the fact that there is a turtle anywhere."
