"I literally spit out my water." "WARNING: YOUR CHILD SEARCHED RESTRICTED TOPICS! Strairdrac the Netherwatcher searched for "Teaching crabs how to read" which is considered Forbidden Knowledge under your current parental control settings." "I want to know more about Strairdrac the Netherwatcher and their long term goals." "We only know that he is after forbidden knowledge. Only God knows what he could do with such power!" "There is no God. There is The Dreamer, who slumbers deep beneath the waves. And those who look down with hateful scorn from amongst the swirling stars!" "Nyarlathotep? Is that you?"
“Eggnog! Eggnog!”
“Fruitcake! Fruitcake!”
“Eggnog!”
“Fruitcake! Fruitcake!”
“Eggnog! Eggnoooooog!”
*Mug of Eggnog topples mini Christmas tree on top of the Fruitcake*
Marley was dead, to begin with.
There is no doubt whatever about that. The register of his burial was signed by the clergyman, the clerk, the undertaker, and the chief mourner. Scrooge signed it. And Scrooge's name was good upon 'Change, for anything he chose to put his hand to.
Old Marley was as dead as a doornail.
Mind! I don't mean to say that I know, of my own knowledge, what there is particularly dead about a doornail. I might have been inclined, myself, to regard a coffin nail as the deadest piece of ironmongery in the trade. But the wisdom of our ancestors is in the simile; and my unhallowed hands shall not disturb it, or the Country's done for.
You will therefore permit me to repeat, emphatically, that Marley was dead as a doornail.
"hey hey, can you pass me that water bottle?"
"oh yeah sure.. eh- this is a one litre water bottle.. my- my best friend used to buy one litre water bottles.. but.. he's gone now..."
"umm.. you gon' pass that-"
"ever since that day we went bungee jumping, i never seen him again.."
"um.. what"
"Hey there, kids and young adults! Have you ever wanted to teach that neighbor a lesson who was always screaming and making noise when you were trying to sleep?"
"Uh, no..."
"Or perhaps you wanted to get back at that guy who always laughed at you when you came out of the bathroom stall?"
"Not really..."
"Now introducing the Elf on the Shelf Captain Ginyu Edition! Elf on the Shelf Captain Ginyu Edition is a miniature toy that screams, "CHANGE NOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!" when you pull the little string on the back of it. It'll then swap souls with whoever it's facing. No longer will you have to put up with people's insensitive behavior!"
*old, bald man clearly in his 50s with glasses on starts speaking*
"WOW, I wasn't sure about Elf on the Shelf Captain Ginyu Edition at first, but after using it on my neighbor who kept letting his dogs attack mine, I feel a new sense of relief!"
"Elf on the Shelf Captain Ginyu Edition is a true peacemaker!"
*teenage guy snickers and sets it on his headstand*
"Hehe, alright... sweet. Now I'll be able to trap Kevin's soul and figure out why he keeps stealing my GameStop gift cards..."
*but much to his surprise, his little sister walks into the room instead*
"WAIT WAIT!"
"CHANGE NOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!"
*after swapping souls, his sister now has the voice of Captain Ginyu from Dragon Ball Z*
"BRIAN, WHAT DID YOU DO?! WHAT?!? WHY DOES MY VOICE SOUND LIKE THIS?!?!?"
"The Elf on the Shelf Captain Ginyu Edition toy, bringing the festive tradition to your home, always!"
"Savannah? SAVANNAH NO! Oh no, our daughter's voice..."
