the last three weeks have been so difficult for me, and I've been teetering between feeling okay and feeling miserable
but I've been okay for the last few days and I want to say a few things here.
★ first off, I absolutely cannot express just how much I appreciate the patience and understanding of all of my friends, especially those whom I talk to frequently (special SO to @/Shellzilla_515, bless his heart). between dealing with my mum and her being in hospital/rehab for three weeks, and dealing with my fluctuating manic episode, and dealing with big changes and adjustments at work (not to mention more work load bc kids are out of school now), and dealing with changes at home... it's just been too much for me to handle all at once. my mood has been all over the place, constantly shifting between being happy and being in despair. I know I've been a handful and I'm very sorry
I'm just doing my best and I appreciate all of the love and support more than you guys could ever know.
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★ I haven't talked a whole lot about my mum for the last few weeks, there has been so much going on and what little energy I do have has been used up pretty much every single day.
to quickly recap, she had a surgery done recently to have her left sacroiliac joint fused (she's been dealing with chronic pain for over 12 years because of it), and when she came out of her surgery, there was a complication that caused both of her lungs to collapse, and as a result she briefly lost her pulse. she spent one week in the ICU and another week in the hospital with horrible chest pains (from incisions made to insert tunes and drain excess air out of her chest cavity, and also from doing chest compressions) and shallow breathing. she spent about two and a half weeks on oxygen and she's had a difficult time moving around.
but I'm here to say that, despite the complication, she is doing much better now. she's no longer on oxygen, now she's simply monitoring her oxygen saturation to make sure it doesn't get too low. she's still dealing with a lot of pain in her chest and kidneys, but it's getting better as it heals. she's had some atrophy in her legs from not being able to walk, but she can get around okay with a walker.
but the most important part is that, from what we've observed so far, the pain in her left SI joint is pretty much gone! for the first time in over twelve years she isn't dealing with crippling chronic pain in her lower back!! she's able to get up and walk around and not feel like she's about to collapse from the pain. I am immensely happy for her, it hurts so much having watched her deal with this pain for years and years, and now she's finally on the road to recovery!
it's been so difficult at home with her being disabled and having to depend on me for everything. difficult for all of us. but with this she should be able to get up and move at least a little more, so she can help herself and help around the house a bit. she's also thinking about getting an in-home health care assistant to help her a few times a week, since she has Medicare.
this whole process has been so overwhelming and difficult and stressful, but I think things are finally starting to get better for her, and by extension, for all of us. there's still a long way to go, since now she needs to finish healing and she has to go through physical therapy, but she's getting there.
★ as I said, I've been dealing with mania again. manic episodes are so rough, and it's even worse when you understand that it's just like depression, in that you have little to no control over it and it basically consumes every aspect of your life. after being diagnosed with bipolar II over a year ago I'm starting to understand my triggers and symptoms, but that really doesn't make it any easier to deal with. and again, I have to apologize to those whom I have hurt because of my manic antics. I take full responsibility for that.
I have an appointment with my psychiatrist in about two weeks and I will be talking to him about taking something on top of what I already take for depression (which works pretty much perfectly for me, and I don't want to stop it). I'm hoping I can get something figured out. I know I deserve a better quality of life, I don't want the good things in my life to be overshadowed by manic episodes. but it's by no means an easy feat, and it'll take time. until then I really appreciate those who are willing to be patient with me and stand by me through it all.
★ with all of this going on, I find that lately I've been spending a lot more of my time alone, in my own company. I mean, I'm also in the company of my animals, but that's different from himan interaction. my mum has been gone and while I have spent some time with her at the nursing home recently, she's not home and I'm spending most of my time physically alone. as for my dad, I don't really talk to him in the evenings anyway, we mostly just coexist peacefully. I have talked to a few of my friends a bit, but it's been difficult for me to talk lately and I've ended up just spending a lot of time in solitude.
I think it's been good for me though. it's given me a chance to learn to trust myself, and find that I am my own friend. I've come to love and appreciate myself more, even if it has been difficult with mania. I feel more confident in my ability to make good judgments and make decisions for myself. I also find that while I am a very strong person, I often have moments of weakness and I make mistakes. and that's okay! most importantly, I'm learning to be patient and compassionate with myself. and through that, I can extend my compassion and patience and love to those around me.
I've been thinking a lot about my friends lately, and it does make me sad that I haven't talked much recently because of my issues. but my friends know that they are always in my heart, even when we seems to be worlds away.
anyway I'm starting to sound a little sappy hehe. I am still manic after all
just trying to find positive ways to channel that energy. moving on...
★ last weekend I went to a Pride festival and I really enjoyed it!! I stayed as long as I could before I had to leave there and head to work, and while I was there I got lots of stickers (including pan stickers for my dear hehehe), a few little handheld flags, some pins, a keychain, and a pair of earrings! my favourite thing I got might just be the little gay (mlm) flag haha, I need to get a larger one too.
★ I've been taking my golden retriever to the park a lot since it's been nice outside, he loves to run around and sniff stuff hehe. but I've also been taking him to the nursing home where my mum is at the moment, and he adores the people there and they love him too! it really warms my heart to see their faces light up when he passes by, and they reach over and pet him while he gently sniffs them and wags his tail.
I'm hoping to have him registered as a therapy dog so we can do more stuff like this.
★ lately I've been watching a lot of videos about challenges and game mechanics in Super Mario 64, mostly from Nathaniel Bandy (and his evil twin Bathaniel Nandy), pannenkoek2012, Kaze Emanuar, Simply, and SwankyBox. I swear these guys have turned the game into a science lol, like "Yeah I have a Ph.D. in Super Mario 64"
★ I've actually had some motivation to draw again, for the first time in literally MONTHS. I've not been able to do it consistently since I'm still dealing with a lot at home (in fact, my mum may be coming home soon), but it feels nice to actually be able to draw and not feel like I'm forcing myself. I'm working on something at the moment and I'm very excited to share it once it's done!
★ one last little thing I want to mention, I managed to find someone selling the pink Spongebob plushie that I've been using as my avatar on here, and I bought him! the plushie was a little pricey and I always feel so hesitant when I spend that much money at once, but I've been eyeing him for weeks and I will be so happy to add him to my collection.
I also learned that in Japan there is a thing called "Spongebob Lovelypants" where they recolour him to be pink and blue, and oh my goodness!! he's so adorable!!
I honestly want to draw him so much!!
okay, I lied, one last thing haha. my birthday is in five days!!
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I would also like to mention that the gravy is great too. I always like to drizzle them on my rice instead of leaving them separate... I also got to work on my crochet projects more.
He's so cute and grumpy lookin'. Love that about him!
I think it is a wedding season item. (I've been meaning to talk about this in the ACNH Positivity Thread, but cannot find it ;-; )
Some of you must be fed up of me talking about her, but to me she is my baby. 
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