when i was in elementary school, my grandmother told me that i was crazier than my mother. in middle school, she ridiculed my weight so obsessively that i ultimately began to starve myself; the rapid weight loss leading to the formation of gallstones, something that isn’t often seen in anyone under the age of forty. i don’t, and likely never will, have the words to express just how badly she’s hurt me and the resentment that i harbour for her. but despite all of that, i have never stood up to her, out of respect for my mother and out of fear for myself. i had so much to say but i never knew how and so, i stayed silent and let my mother fight my battles for me.
but tonight, i stood up to her. i was expecting my mother to be angry with me for doing so ... but she’s not. she’s proud. even my father is proud. hell, i’m proud. granted, my grandmother did manage to get some hurtful comments in, accusing me of not caring for anyone but myself. and maybe that was true at one point; maybe, for a long time, i was selfish and seemingly void of empathy. but that’s not true now. i know that, even if she doesn’t, and that’s good enough for me.
i stood up for myself tonight. and god it felt so good.