My motivation as been lacking. I am feeling depressed and getting the psychiatric help I need, but these medication adjustments take time. I am running out of time. Finals are fast approaching, and I have put together a study plan to get me through the rest of the semester. I recently tried to read a textbook chapter and had a panic attack 4 pages in because of intrusive, disturbing, suicidal thoughts. I don't have a will to act on them, but they just appear out of nowhere and I panic because I have attempted before and I fear if they get intense enough I will try again. I have been using coping strategies like making tea, meditating, prayer, taking baths, trying my best to remain calm but my anxiety is killing me. My psychiatrist says these intrusive thoughts are obsessive compulsive, although I am not diagnosed with OCD, I am Bipolar with Major GAD. I read the chapter at a later date with no issue, so some days are better than others. But I need to consistently perform at my best for my schedule/study plan to work. I worked so hard to get back into school and I have been skipping a lot of my classes these days to study independently from home because I feel its a better usage of my time. i just feel really guilty and ashamed.... and very self-critical