i hope you guys don't mind me writing here but i'm so sick of it all. And thank you in advance to anyone who took the time out of their day to read this.
where to start...
I'm currently away from easy access to social media so i can't really vent to my good friend, but a lot of these have happened these holidays. The trip overseas was suppose to relax me before my exams for uni but i feel like i'm either over thinking or i'm noticing things extremely late.
First of all, whilst over seas there's been several incidents where i've seen people with similar skin conditions to mine.
i have lived my past. I have seen my future. Every path leads only to destructions, as i walk, i tread on shards of broken hopes and dreams. I ask myself what's the point? I was born with eczema, although it wasn't severe at all, only on the joints of my limbs and my neck. however it's gotten a LOT worse over the seventeen years of my life it's all over my body now and my skin feels like sandpaper and looks like a scaly grandmother. I get teased for it all the time, snowflakes, itchy and scratchy etc etc. As i grew up my parents constantly sent me to doctors and specialists and the like, all promising for my skin to get better, however all that happened was that it got worse. I want to be a normal teenager, wearing short skirts, sleeveless dresses, open shoes but i can't because everyone just stares. I want to go run around and roll in the grass, but i couldn't no even as a child. i also worry for the future, now that my eczema is extremely severe, how would want to date me let alone marry me :/ i know these worries seem pathetic but still i can't help but hate my skin and i just want to rip it off....
What's more is that i also have allergies. I'm anaphylaxis to peanuts and i (at least in my opinion) feel that it's normal to try and stay away from it. However it's pretty hard when your mother eats peanut butter for breakfast everyday and you brother eats any peanut product to spite you. It gets really annoying because recently we were at the airport and my brother went to go pick a place to eat whilst i waited with my mother for our relatives to finish shopping. Guess where he picked....a place basically filled with peanuts, the soup bases all have peanuts and they also used it to garnish the dishes so i, being me, asked mum if we could go eat elsewhere. She and my brother just blew up at me and said that i was over reacting. I couldn't do much as my relatives where nearby and it's quite embarrassing to make a scene in public so i just left and ate elsewhere. Afterwards my brother kept poking my arm, resulting in a rash over my arm for the plane ride. great.
I feel like my mother favours my brother a lot. Whilst on holiday she kept on boasting about my bro to everyone whilst i only got 3 compliments and even then she was all like happy and bouncy when she said it, it was in a dismissive way. She says she doesn't favour between children but i really feel that she does. We were suppose to go out one day to eat with some close friends of ours however i slept in cuz i had a rough night (with my eczema and all). So i asked her how i would get to the restaurant, as i'm not familiar with the country and i can only speak limited chinese. but she just replied that she couldn't be bothered to come pick me up so i could just stay home...and guess who went...yup my brother.
but we're family no?
another thing that has been bugging me is that my brother has picked up smoking, he just reached 19 last year and idk when it started happening but it did. I'm not saying like OMG ALL SMOKERS ARE GOING TO DIE but it would be better for his health not to. but when i bring it up he just starts bombarding me on how gross my skin is etc etc.
idk what to do, sometimes i want to runaway and rent an apartment or something. Other times maybe just runaway forever, eternal sleep doesn't sound that bad hahaha. i thought about it a few times in year 8 but then i was too scared to actually do it (cowardly i know.) but then i've been thinking about it again. and i know it's not good but sometimes is feel it's just too much for me... i'm only 17 and i don't see a better future coming along. i mean i'm privileged, i have a computer, i have clothes food and shelter and i'm extremely grateful but.... :S i just don't know how to deal with these things...
I'm sorry if i just seem like a spoilt child to you. I know i haven't even had a taste of the bitter world of life, but things come with time and soon enough...