My issue is with my brother, without sounding as if I’m self praising myself, but I consider myself to be a friendly and helpful person and would do my very best to help anyone if I can. I’ve written before about this issue, but can’t remember how much detail I went into so I’ll give a brief recap first.
I’m 33 and live with my Dad (69), who has retired now and suffers from arthritis and other mobility issues and my brother (42) (only thing medically he goes for a B12 injection every 3 months). I’ve got several health problems: arthritis, tendonitis, scoliosis, thyroid issues, asthma and I have a really low immune system, to name a few. These are the ones that cause me the most trouble. I was diagnosed with arthritis as a teenager, so even back at college I struggled with pain and coursework. I wanted to go onto university but couldn’t as the commute everyday would have been to much, plus the stress of exams wouldn’t help my condition.
When my brother was younger in his 20s and early 30s, he a pleasant and helpful person and nothing was ever too much trouble for him. He had the odd off day, which everyone can have. However, since about his mid 30s his behaviour changed, he started shouting at us over the slightest thing, he isn’t asked to do much anymore, just keep his room clean and tidy but he won’t even do that, it is filthy and that is not an exaggeration. It’s not just untidy, it is thick with dust and disgusting the number of wrappers and stuff that is left on the floor, scattered everywhere and the smell is horrendous. The only reason I know this is that I put his washing in his room for him. The only thing he does is puts his own rubbish out and we think we know why, because he’s supposed to be on a diet under his doctor’s recommendation but judging by the wrappers left out in his room he is still constantly eating junk food.
I literally do everything for him, cook, clean (apart from his room, I refuse to go in there, I literally open the door and take one step in to put his washing in), his washing, dishes, make his packed lunch, shop, etc. He seems to think that it’s my role to be his slave. The way he even talks to me is vile. I’ve been called every name under the sun and I mean every name under the sun. Our Mum used to do all of this for him until her mobility declined, and eventually she became housebound. This is the reason I started to do things for him as I wanted to help my Mum and her not stressing about things not getting done.
He's been asked to try and clean the bathroom, etc to make it easier for me as my hands, wrists and back are the main joints that cause me extreme pain. He doesn’t seem to realise how bad my Dad and I are. He never asks about how my Dad or my own appointments go, but he wants to be made a fuss of when he goes to the doctors for the odd blood test or gets a B12 injection. I have to get B12 injections every 3 months and I don’t go on about it the way he does. Even after I had my Covid boosters I had terrible side effects for 2 days and he still expected everything to be done for him and didn’t even get a ‘How are you today after your booster?’ It’s always him, him, him.
Last July my Mum and Dad had a discussion with him and they spoke about the idea of him moving out, he shouted at them too and went off in a huff to his room continuing to rant, rave and throw things in his room. My Mum was never good at dealing with the stress he caused, she suffered from Crohns and whenever he started an argument her health would suffer too. He keeps on saying he has no friends and nobody wants him, but he only says this whenever it is suggested about moving out, as all the other times he says he’s quite happy on his own in his room watching the television eating junk food. He does that everyday after work and if that makes him happy then fine. We would prefer he didn’t eat junk food for the sake of his health but, he’s a grown man so we can’t do anything apart from advise him. We’ve said to him, you won’t meet any friends by going back and forth to your work then sitting in your room for the remainder of the time, you should get out and meet some people. We just get the excuse about germs and Covid, even though he never went out before Covid and he says that ‘Covid is finished.’, and hardly ever wore a mask even during lockdown. It’s always just made up to suit whichever conversation we are having.
I’m sure some of you know that my Mum passed away suddenly in October last year. We couldn’t even get the chance to properly grieve as it became all about him. He is morbidly obese and we had to spend literally one week searching to find a suit to fit him. You could tell he wasn’t even looking himself and when we asked where have you tried he was very vague and always just repeated the same few websites.
His behaviour hasn’t been caused by the lockdowns or my Mum’s passing as it stems from years before. We’ve always asked him if there’s anything wrong and he says nothing, and said we can’t help you if you don’t tell someone. I personally think he needs some friends with similar interests. He has never spoken about my Mum since she passed, I think he feels guilty as he really did treat her like dirt. I’m not saying that my Dad and I are angels and never had a cross word with her, but we certainly didn’t treat her the way my brother did. Most of the arguments I had with my Mum were petty, for example, she didn’t want me to get another Covid booster as I had a bad reaction to the first one, but I wanted it as I said a few side effects are better than catching Covid.
So, a few weeks ago, my Dad broached the subject of moving out again, he says he needs to happen at some point. I said to my brother ‘How long do you think I can keep this up? I’ve been doing everything for you for about 8 years and you’ll do nothing in return to help.’ He said he’s always offering to help, I asked him to name them, the only thing he could say was he asked to put the bins out once for collection! Of course this led to a one sided shouting match, as he can never discuss anything like an adult. Even my Dad told him how bad my pain is, but no response. My Dad left it a few weeks and asked him how the flat hunting was going, he was very vague and only mentioned one flat that I had suggested. He told us it was already taken, so the next day I checked and guess what? It was still available! In my opinion he hasn’t even been looking as life is far too easy for him here. Again, another tantrum from him.
He seems to have more of a problem with me than usual now, as he won’t speak to me! He won’t even say ‘Morning’, or even a ‘Thank You’ for his dinner! I am seriously at the end of my tether with him. My Dad and I are in constant pain, and I was told by my brother that it only takes a couple of minutes to make his packed lunch. I said: ‘Maybe for a person who doesn’t suffer from mobility problems, but everything takes me twice or three times longer.’ He says nothing and just shrugs his shoulders. My Dad says he’s going to ask him again tonight about moving out and show him some flats online. I’m stressed out again as I know he’s going to have another tantrum.
I even suggested to him if he could go on a holiday for a week or two to give me a break to see if that helped my condition, but no he refused. Our neighbours and shop assistants treat me with more respect than my own brother.
I’ve got enough to deal with worrying about my Dad’s health, my own health and I’m still extremely upset about my Mum’s passing. I would usually talk to her about this type of thing, so thank you for letting me rant here! You are all amazing and always show me so much love.
End of rant!
Edit: I asked my Dad if my brother could be jealous, as he bought me a Basset Hound as he could see how much my Mum's passing was affecting me and still is. He said my brother doesn't deserve anything as he never helped my Mum when she was here.
It amazes me I still have this issue with Discord… not good at socialising in general… but lack of places to go irl and dont wanna just be online sighhhhh
