I've been feeling quite anxious. Just this sinking feeling. I've had it since I woke up this morning.
Yesterday night didn't go so well, either. My day went by fine, but the moment I sat down at the dinner table, I began to visualize those daydreams. It wasn't about a past experience; it was all made up. However, it included things that I found quite distressing. Certain screams, phrases, thuds - in that made up world, I was at school when I heard all of that. I was in class. Someone in the hallway was screaming things like, "I hate you! I wish you were never even born!" There was a loud thud after that, since the person threw something. I was in class, just freezing up. I was extremely startled by the loud noise.
In reality, I was sobbing. It just popped out of nowhere. I was in a bit of an emotional wreck that night.
I get startled quite easily by loud noises at times. Certain screams can get me jumpy. Movements make me flinch. All these things have to do with my mother. It relates back to all the things she's done in the past. It's traumatic.
It doesn't help that she doesn't realize how much it affects me. It doesn't help one bit to hear and see her do the exact same things. She's very narcissistic and abusive, and I'm deeply troubled by her. She views me as competition, as well. She always says that she's more intelligent and beautiful than me. As a result, I've learned to view myself as ugly, and have a low self-esteem. I've avoided looking in mirrors before, or I've found myself absolutely disgusting when I see acne on my face. Sometimes I'll get emotional, both at home and at school, because of how unsupportive my mother is. I've come to see certain teachers as a parent that I wish I could have. One in particular, who's so compassionate and kind-hearted. I'm not emotionally stable.
Even if I try to be positive, my mother doesn't care. She'll only pity herself. I sing and dance around the house and room, and I can be quite cheerful and neurotic. My family still views me as worthless. If I'm depressed, they'll pity themselves even more. I don't know what the hell they want from me.
... I'm going to try to stay positive and think about my future. It won't be too long before I legally come of age. After that, I'll be free. It just hurts sometimes.