What's Bothering You?

I've been having a breakdown this morning. I keep crying. From what I can tell, I have this thing called tonsillolith. I've been aware of this since last fall. It got really bad last night and nothing I did worked at all.... And then while I was typing this vent I had a tiny bit of improvement though my crying may have caused it. I'm still suffering, however. I'd really like the rest of it to go away too. I haven't eaten in about 12 hours and I skipped my allergy medication because I cannot stop wanting to gag. I also haven't slept...
Last night I actually had something really nice happen and this lead to most of my crying because I got so worried it would be the last time I get to have such a moment.
I might be improving now, but I don't really know. We will see. I still feel awful.
Almost forgot to mention I don't have health insurance. I had that typed but I erased that entire version of the vent.
 
I really hate working three hour shifts. It’s barely worth my time at that point. I know something is better than nothing, but it’s frustrating to do. I’m not sure how these other employees are okay with this?? We all work the same three hour shifts no more than three times a week, and that’s if you are even scheduled.

I might have another job lined up. I’m trying to get into this gas station one of my friends works at. She offered to talk to the manager for me after I told her I applied. They’re looking for overnights desperately and as someone that prefers the overnight, I think I’ll be alright if I can get an interview - which shouldn’t be a problem if my friend talks to the manager.

It’ll be a few days since the manager is conveniently on vacation and won’t be back for another two days. I didn’t want to ask for help, but I really needed to find something else. I don’t even mind between 20-30 hours… I just can’t do 8 hours a week because that’s nothing??

Thankfully my friend just offered to talk to the manager (which I was lowkey hoping she would offer because I didn’t want to directly ask her) so I hope I can secure an interview at this very least. It shouldn’t be that hard considering the job description requires zero experience and I’m willing to work overnights.
 
Today just hasn’t been a good day. I’m pretty sure most of my coworkers feel the same. All the trucks were late today then showed up at the same time. Our back room isn’t that big so with so much product there really wasn’t much space to work . So it took longer to get things done The store today was insanely busy and most of us felt we couldn’t keep up. It didn’t help that I didn’t feel that great today.

How I felt most of the day.
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woke up feeling sleepy and found that my pup had an accident on the floor overnight. apparently she didn't actually go potty when I let her and my golden go outside before bed. guess I need to keep a closer eye on her when I let her out at night.

I didn't punish her though, I know she didn't do it on purpose 🥺 she doesn't need punished regardless, but especially not now. I know there are people who punish pets for accidents like this and it upsets me.
 
Why are job applications so long? And I wish they give you the reference information at the very start.
Why do I have to write ALL this and when it comes to the references, they have specific requirements that I have none, so thats it? Can't apply for this one because I don't have upto two references? Can't use family friends who've known me since I was born, but you gladly would take my old work who weren't paying me right? Who knows what they would say!
I'm sorry I didn't get a job the moment I learnt how to walk, omg.

Also my last admin answers were resubmitted, saying AI content...again.
Do they want professional understandings? Or for me to write like a child? The problem is, if I had time to write out notes like I want, then types and retyped, I could make it sound like me more. But I don't have time. I hope they ask me for a review of the course; I will definitely be letting them know the literal meltdowns I had over the 50 questions because I was trying to make notes and had no reply from my teacher.

I need to do something today to make me feel better. For now though, gonna rewrite that blasted question.
 
I think mental health is a tricky subject because of how easy it is to chastise or dismiss something that isn't physically there. The societal backlash isn't the same. Hence, people get too comfortable with turning something like 'autism' into an insulting phrase.

I was depressed for several years. The days blended together and before I knew it - 3 years had gone by. I went into debt, lost all my closest friends, became numb.

But I'd like to think the progress I've made over the last year triumphs the person I was before this started.

Some things can't be brought back (such as time or friends). However being able to escape the 'cycle' and numb feeling has been an invaluable sweetness. Life for me is like a puzzle being put back together.

However, I hope society as a whole reaches a point of less stigimizatiom and hits a point of better understanding. It would make the world a better place.
 
i start my new job on tuesday but i’m so nervous 🥲 the area i live in is predominately spanish speaking, and my spanish is okay? but not fluent. and the new job im going to work at i can tell that mostly everyone there speaks spanish and it makes me so self conscious because i can understand what they tell me, but my brain cannot form a coherent reply to what they say so i fear i just look stupid 😭
 
jiny said:
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I also work in a non-English speaking environment. I typically respond in English (and will ask, "can you say that in English?") or need to ask them to translate documents they've sent me, and everyone's really nice about it. Hopefully they will be in your workplace too. I've enrolled in an evening language class starting in August to increase my confidence in speaking - not sure if that would help you too but figured I'd share how I'm tackling the language barrier.

Good luck with the new job. And if you ever need someone to chat to about just feeling a bit stupid/alien in a non-English speaking workplace feel free to message me!
 
been three weeks of trying to get a doctor's appointment with no success :))) either end up in an obnoxiously long 20+ queue or my call gets disconnected, and the few times i've gotten through, the receptionist either said they "couldn't see" future appointments or told me to fill in their new online questionnaire which isn't even available by the time i look because they reach their daily "appointment threshold". i'm not even looking for a same-day appointment omg, this is a nightmare.
 
Feeling very stressed out. It's just not fair to me that other people are perfectly fine with air fresheners, candles, smoke, etc. but all this stuff makes me miserable. I had a migraine the last time I visited family that had a fireplace on. It went away after I got in the car.
Anyway, the smoke from the grill is getting into my house (because of course it is) and I am extra stressed because my cats have ruined the living room which I normally go into when I am upset about this. There's nowhere I can go that won't mess with my health.
The worst part is my throat was already messed up and this is going to make it worse. I don't need any of this. I don't want to be in this stupid house anymore.
 
prob just because I spent literally hours cleaning today, but I'm just feeling so stressed and tired and upset. today started out okay, great even, but at some point it fell apart.

I am certainly upset about the fact that, at one point while my dad was pulling a shelf out of our fridge so I could clean it, he backed into me and stepped on my toe (and the nail on that toe already has an issue for whatever stupid reason, so it bothered me even before this happened), and instead of apologizing he said "well you shouldn't have been standing so close to me!" I gave him a look and he did not care. I don't even know why I ever expect him to apologize at this point in my life. now I'm sitting here and my toe is throbbing and I just have to deal with it.

edit: oh, I forgot to mention that I literally cut part of my left hand, the thenar space, while using a pair of scissors earlier, so my hand is sore as well.

I'm also upset bc I desperately want to catch up on my journaling and I just can't find the motivation. feels like I used it as a coping mechanism for a long time and now I don't quite as much, but it's still very helpful to write stuff down and I haven't been diligent in doing that. too many other things going on.

oh and also, I don't want my parents to thank me for cleaning. I shouldn't have had to clean alone. I shouldn't have had to clean my dad's disgusting mess by myself. I shouldn't have to break my back and stress myself out so that I can live somewhere that is actually relatively clean. I only scratched the surface of cleaning this ****hole too. and it's gonna go right back to being disgusting if I am unable to maintain it for some reason. I feel like a maid. I feel like I'm being used, I'm probably not but that's how it feels to me. I feel very unappreciated. I feel a bit unloved.

and of course, fourth of July, stupid hooligans setting off fireworks literally all night.

I don't know. I need to take a shower but I don't want to. I need to fold laundry but I don't want to. I want to go to bed.
 
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So tired of my mom trying to recommend me her toothpaste where the only notable thing about it is it numbs pain. A couple years ago my dentist even told her that wasn't the kind I need. This somehow did not get her to leave me alone. I told her I've had sores on my tongue for a week and this was what she said to me. Yeah, I probably do need to brush more, but numbing it isn't exactly a solution. I would probably be just fine using my own toothpaste.
Plus, with all my other problems going on, I worry numbing my mouth might be a bit dangerous??? I would like to be aware of things and not accidentally choke because I couldn't tell I was drooling or something. (A real concern unfortunately and embarrassingly, sometimes I drool for days due to health issues.)
She should really be quiet about that, she's not a doctor.
 
I feel like a horrible (best) friend for what I just did… and technically still doing. I’m also super tired so I’m just going to go to sleep now… and then probably wake up randomly feeling worse about this and not be able to fall back asleep.
 
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