Aw, Pippi... poor baby. I'm so sorry, Riley. I know how much this sucks. Loss is never easy, but the anticipatory grief is just as painful. Your feelings, both your sadness and your anger and everything else you must be feeling, are so valid.
I hope you and Pippi have lots of time left together. Spend time with her, pet her, take pictures and videos of her. Just be with her when you can be. Sending you so so much love.
I mentioned in my most recent post that I'm going to be visiting a friend for a few days and have been feeling kind of anxious, hoping that the airport stuff goes smoothly.
Well, I'm supposed to fly out tomorrow...and today there was a massive tech issue affecting not only airlines but hospitals, the Department of Justice and plenty of other companies operating on Windows due to some bug from CrowdStrike, a cybersecurity company.
Apparently a bunch of flights got cancelled today and they requested everything be grounded, so uh...I dunno.
I checked in and it seems like it'll all be good for tomorrow, but who knows really. Just gotta keep an eye on it, I guess.
Okay well I am in a very bad situation. So I've been living with my parents since 2013 after I graduated high school. I'm autistic and I cannot get a job. Believe me I tried several times and I was ghosted, shamed on, and just getting rejected. Now I'm in a situation where my parents are old and I find myself having to take care of them. The only income we get is Social Security Income and Food Stamps. It isn't enough to pay our morgtage and our bills. So now we've fallen behind 4 times on our mortgage and in the process of speaking with a Lawyer to help us discuss our options. My mother doesn't want us to sell the home, but my father wants to sell the home to start over. They keep arguing about this all the time and I am stuck in the middle deciding what to do. Its been a massive headache.
I'm just so fed up with being tired all the time since I always have to wake up early in the mornings, including weekends. In fact, I can't even remember the last time where I genuinely felt that I wasn't sleepy at all for the entire day. And despite that, I can't get a good quality of sleep. It's impacting me on various aspects of my life where my attention, memory (I literally forget what I was doing two seconds ago on a few occasions), patience, and a few other things are regressing badly. I've also been noticing that I'm getting moody easier and just wanting to break something when it gets really bad (which thankfully, I didn't). I'll be heading to work tomorrow which means waking up early again.
And oh, did I mention some personal stuff that's going on right now that I don't really want to go into detail? Yeah, it's still lingering on my mind a couple of months later and causing so much headaches while still having to focus on my college studies. I'm not sure if I can even muster up the energy to participate in the TBT Fair next week. I'm feeling irritated all around and finding myself growing distant from TBT recently since I haven't been active in the past few weeks.
Man, I hate suffering in silence so much aside from a few people who genuinely care about me. My mother told me a few times throughout my life how people won't care about what I'm going through. It's conditioned to make me think that's true and it hurts.
It’s been a very long busy day that hasn’t been that great . So tired and very sore. Thankfully the bad storm we were having was only light rain when I finally got out of work. Think I will take some pain meds and hope to get some sleep.
The CrowdStrike issues really affected my work today. I wasn't able to do anything at all for the first half of the day. Things finally started coming back online around noon, but the huge implementation that we've been busting our butts to get in the system this weekend has been postponed. I understand because making major changes when you're not sure the system is even stable is a very bad idea, but I'm also frustrated that so much time and effort was put into meeting this deadline only for it to be delayed.
On top of that, my mom has called me about numerous problems today that I just don't have the mental capacity to deal with right now. There's only so much I can handle in a day. I need some time for myself too.
literally was feeling fine all day, and now that I need to go to sleep I feel really nauseated. idk if it's because of my meds, or because I'm visiting relatives and the whole thing is making my nerves act up, or what. probably my meds because I haven't eaten for about 9-10 hours. can't help that I have no appetite. all I know is I'm kinda tired but I also feel so nauseous and I hate it. if I don't go to sleep soon my sleep schedule will be all messed up and I'll be very sleepy and groggy and upset.
got the absolutely wild idea that this couch might have bed bugs in it because I almost think I can feel something, and now I feel really crawly and scared and idk if I can go back to sleep
I guess I really have become a bit of a clean freak, never used to mind being in this house but now I'm finding quite a few things here that seem questionable to me.
I feel like being on Concerta for over a year now has changed my personality in good and bad ways.
The good things are that it's made me less forgetful, I can remember conversations and discussions much more easily, and I have far more energy than usual. It's also made me much more assertive; not sure if the meds are a causation or its just a correlation.
The bad things are is that while my thoughts are more streamlined, I struggle to speak the right words sometimes (even stuttering). I have too much energy sometimes, to the point I know I annoy other people. I've become more and more prone to being irritated, snapping at people, being incredibly blunt and honest and that's what worries me. I never used to be that bad or impatient with people. The impulsively of what comes out of my mouth has been really bad lately.
I've also tried to not mask as much; such as letting myself be impulsive, letting myself be distracted or fidget with things, let myself move around etc. without thinking about what others think of me...but now I'm worried what others think of me lol.
Maybe I'm just truly discovering who I really am and not people pleasing. Or maybe I really am a ***** on Concerta lmao
Google is scaring tf out of me because it says the cost for one tooth extraction can range from $500 to $1000 per tooth, but somewhere else is only saying it’s about $130 per tooth.
Obviously the second is more reasonable. I remember it not being that much at all, like three years ago? It was $90 per tooth as I recall, but that was also three years ago.
I know I can’t trust everything I read on Google, but I just wanted a general idea.
Been having epic negative thoughts, which are always fun. I didn’t think differently about it since I always have those, but I think it’s getting progressively worse every day. I hate my brain so much.
feeling lonely right now and I can't quite explain it. maybe because I'm usually at work around this time but right now I'm not? or maybe because I don't feel totally safe and vulnerable here. don't get me wrong, I love my grandma dearly, but there are little nuances here that make it difficult for me to really relax. I'm feeling a little tense again.
I think because my routine has been disrupted, I'm just not feeling well. my autistic mind doesn't like when routine suddenly shifts like this.
also missing someone
maybe I'll go sit for a while and write in my journal and watch more SwankyBox videos about SM64, that should help a bit.
I’m so depressed. I keep having dreams that remind me of something that I don’t want to think about or remember. I’m really lonely too. Also maybe sad. I need to get up and eat and take my medicine but I kinda don’t want to. I want to be happy again and my best friend talk to me like he used to, not to mention have him message me and not me always (and not feeling sad every time we chat).
feeling unwell again. I'm overwhelmed and tired, and I feel nauseous, and I have a bad headache, and I'm honestly so worried about my love. I don't know what to do with myself. I really don't. I wish I was home. I don't even know how I'm gonna sleep tonight, I'm so tired but there's so many lights and sounds and I can't handle this. I feel like I'm gonna start crying, I'm tearing up just writing this. I don't know what to do.
i really want to hope i'll get better and be my old self, but it's getting hard again. forcing myself to socialize is making it worse and i'm so close to isolating. analyzing every social interaction for something negative is starting to become exhausting..