What's Bothering You?

^ that's why I don't do commissions. I would require a payment after a sketch for security reasons, but I am so inconsistent with my art churnout and I'd feel incredibly guilty if I took someone's money and couldn't finish a commission in a timely manner. I'm still haunted by a commission I couldn't even start almost a year ago, thankfully I didn't receive any payment for it since I couldn't even do the sketch.


I feel really tired right now. not sleepy at all, just tired. it's been so slow here. I still have over an hour left on my shift and I wish it would hurry up.
 
I was really looking forward to the fair after tbtwc but right now I’m not so sure. My depression has been really bad this week. It has been harder to get myself to do anything and stay awake; I keep having triggering dreams.

Today my mom brought up divorcing my dad again. I’m fed up with how my dad treats us but at the same time i don’t want this. If she did this, I wish it had been years back and not now.

Right now I’m feeling like I’m at my limit.
 
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i’m so stressed out i ordered 8 little drawings of my ocs and now asked for changes on four of them (they’re done not in a wip state), i then went to tip the person for the inconvenience but accidentally applied a shop coupon to it;; i can’t even look at my phone notifications i’m scared of their response
 
I did something really stupid. After being ignored by someone for three months when I asked about why he unfriended me on Discord I asked his friend and they wrote a message with him behind my back. What I got was that he never wanted to accept my friend request in the first place and only did because Discord notifies people if they accepted. He went to the point and said not everyone is going to be my friend and that not everyone needs to be. He gets uncomfortable whenever he sees me typing at the same time as him because I supposedly idolize him for having higher functioning autism than me and that I copy him and everyone else on the server. He then said just message again if something arises between us.

I called him out for being nasty and that I'm a good person. He said he never wrote with any malice and to not message him again to avoid further misunderstanding. I wish I could report him to the mods for his blatant ableism, but I know he and the friend he devised this message with are super popular and I'll get shut down just like the last time I called his friend out by the mods. I blocked him and his friend and muted the server we're on. Honestly they're both terrible and I should've done it sooner. They bully another guy on the server often and have said a good amount of rude things to people on there. The only reason I didn't leave the server altogether is because I have several friends on there.

Ugh I feel like garbage.
 
massage yesterday was nice but they really worked my neck and upper back muscles, so I woke up with a mild headache. I'm feeling super sleepy again on top of that, and I have to go in to work in a few hours. kinda just not feeling well. 😞

also I had an interaction with the massage therapist that lowkey made me feel uncomfortable, it was my first time seeing her specifically (there are three of them there) and I probably just won't see her again. but I can't stop thinking about what happened and I didn't like it at all. I'm making that very clear next time I go.
 
VERY minor inconveniences but Olympic breakdancing doesn’t start until August 8th, I didn’t like the boats in the Opening Ceremony (prefer when the athletes walked in), and I wanted to see someone dressed as Madeline and maybe Miss Clavel.

Also, why is North Korea in the Olympics? If Russia isn’t allowed, shouldn’t they be banned, too?

Edit: Sorry. These are more like pet peeves.
 
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This is very minor but the lady at the eyebrow waxing place made my eyebrows uneven and I am displeased. I'm not the cutest person who ever lived so I rely on these little cosmetic things to feel less ugly. Also my eyebrows just look kinda straight across now instead of on an arch? I told her I loved them and tipped her 30% cause she was so nice and I didn't want no smoke
 
There's only a couple of days until my mom's would-be birthday. Sometimes I wake up thinking she's still alive; Since I didn't live with her, every day just felt like a regular day... And then I remember that she's not and I get emotional. Sometimes I find it hard to believe that she's really gone, though. It's just... Surreal.

I'm still mad at that "friend" who said that they wouldn't be upset if they were in my place (regarding my mom's death). Of course they would say that because they don't like their own mother... But that doesn't mean it's the same case for everyone else. I still love my mom regardless of her past actions, and I stand firmly on that. Some people truly suck.
 
Well my back pain hasn't gone away and it is more or less the same as it was a few days ago, I have been putting off going to the doctor but if I don't see results by next week (I am giving it until Wednesday) I will have to go and see if there is something that can be done. I like to avoid going to the doctor unless its absolutely necessary.
 
I just woke up and my mom talks to me which like usual, gives me a small panic attack. She reminded me to vote. I’m still upset because of the divorce talk not to mention my depression 😔. Voting is the last thing I want to think about. I don’t want to vote; edit: the ballot is not for presidential; I don’t even want to vote for this.

Still feeling sensitive about trivial stuff. I wish I didn’t worry so much about what others think or that I was more normal since I still worry that what I say comes out really weird like things i post in the event thread. I really wish I was more confidant; my best friend would like me more and maybe I wouldn’t be having some of these insecurities then too
 
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Have unknown pain in the side of my face/head and it apparently didn't go away when I went to bed. I feel like I'm overreacting with anxiety but that's because I can't see a doctor anytime soon so everything is scarier to me than it should be.
 
Update: I still have him and his friend that wrote most of his nasty messages for him blocked. Having them blocked and muting the server they’re on has helped a bit, but I’m still ruminating on it. I’ve had an impression for months he’s one of those people that acts civil on the surface, but secretly holds a lot of grudges and has an inflated sense of self. I didn’t even like the person before I asked anyway and I just wanted to know if I did something to upset him.

He did not have to personally attack me, especially when the way I phrased the question was not mean and my intentions weren’t bad.

I got pinged on that server earlier and when I checked the other channels neither of them have posted much. They’re probably avoiding me too.

Thankfully I haven’t been banned from the server for asking the question and getting upset at their response.

I was told not to poke the bear and tell the mods about his ableist comment. It’s for the best because I know the mods would be on his side thanks to his popularity.

I have learned my lesson. I will never ask someone why they unfriended me again,
 
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