What's Bothering You?

I don't really understand how asking for more hours at work somehow leads to me being told that starting in a few months they are going to hire more people and need to be able to give them hours as well and I am over here thinking why are you hiring more people if you can't give hours to your current workers.
 
So I guess there has been another sudden health scare out-of-state regarding one of my mom's family members. By now I haven't seen her in well over a month, and this situation could potentially make her stay even longer. It's now gotten to the point where my dad has to head down there as well for at least a weekend, which means having to cater to my pets alone. He offered to take me, but I would definitely not be mentally okay to go on this trip, and I need to keep working to get some form of income during the summer. Heck, my own dad even told me yesterday that he might have a heart problem of some sort and requested to check on him this morning to see if he wakes up. Thankfully that issue went away quickly.

I've already cried in front of my new therapist earlier today regarding other personal family matters unrelated to what I've explained (I very rarely get emotional by the way), and it's all too much for me to handle at the moment. If anyone has noticed a drop in my activity on TBT as of late, it is mostly because of the stuff I've explained before and my efforts to filter such bad stuff out of my memory. I can't let my emotions dictate what I post in normal threads. If I don't feel okay, I'll step away for a bit.

I hate posting in this thread. Sometimes, however, I feel as if it's the only way to make me feel better.
 
I can hardly walk.
Sometimes I get deep tissue muscle spasms or twitching? It basically feels like electricity in on a section of my leg that lasts for days. When this happens I end up getting sore. And then if I walk or stand (normal stuff) then it gets worse and it ends up feeling like a big bruise, then I can't put much weight on it, then the whole leg hurts, then swells a little in the lower leg or foot, then the whole leg burns.
I'm at the whole leg burns right now. And it sucks because when this happens I feel like I can't normally walk for a very long time.
I remember when I was working and my legs felt like they were ripping. My legs got visibly red and hot to touch and it was awful to deal with. (That's if keep using my legs despite the burning feeling)
I'm happy that I can sit and rest now when I start having these issues, but it's dumb that it happens to begin with. Sometimes I'm angry and do stuff anyway because stuff has to get done. But it doesn't really help in recovery.
My arms can do this too but it's super rare for them.
There's other non related stuff that's bothering me too.
 
caught myself ignoring almost everyone's text messages today and am wondering if responding at this moment will be okay despite me being in a really bad place mentally. had a conversation with a friend last night about avoidance and how i also tend to also use that when i'm really sad, but i wonder if i should just have some alone time to collect my thoughts and have some space and not feel guilty for ignoring everyone if i myself am not in the right mind to socialize atm. ahhhhhhhhhh im losing it rn.
 
I had a nice time at my uncles but I came back with such a bad flu
Feeling so hot, my ears ached so sleeping was a nightmare
I'm wearing sunglasses in bed cause the light pains me and had to call/message my boss to say I can't open tomorrow. As per usual she didn't respond so had to call and message her ex husband who's coming to get my keys. Sounded quite annoyed but he better not be pissed off with me, had no control over this.

Can't check if it's covid because tests cost like £30, and I'm down to £3. Not that they're always accurate.
Fustrating, I had planned to paint more but my head is really bad.
 
I am beyond frustrated with my brother. That ******* never listens to me, and it's a little embarrassing having to chastise him in front of our family, especially since I tend to lose my cool. I got into a heated argument with him and our uncle had to tell us to stop fighting. :\ It's bad enough that we have twice the cleaning to do, but my brother is doing everything he can to have less work (giving me more in turn). This irks me, beyond belief.

Aside from that, I'm still not eating and sleeping well. At all. I feel like I'm not spending enough time with the people around me. Can't get my college affairs in order because one of the workers I emailed hasn't responded in a month, and I still need my documents. I keep thinking/dreaming about school and my mom, which just further distresses me. Why can't I just have pleasant thoughts?

I just have a lot on my mind. I want to do more with myself, but I feel too burnt out and overwhelmed. Kinda funny to say when I don't have to worry about more "adult" stuff, like taxes or jobs...
 
I was recalling a time as a child when my uncle would repeatedly teasing me about having long hair. He would phrase it as "Are you a girl"? "Are you sure you aren't"? Also I have an unusually heavy blue eye color. Giving him more fuel.

I understand it was only meant to be light teasing. It's important to remember that children can remember things you tell them. Because I'm still self conscious about letting my hair grow out even as an adult.

Actually, one of the photos I posted in 'What Do You Look Like' was me with as a child long hair. My first thought after I posted was feeling it looked too feminine. That I would be teased.

childhood2.png

I've felt that being able to post this photo meant that I'm finally overcoming that long term insecurity. Recently, I even let my hair grow out a little longer again as an adult.
 
Super petty even by the standards of what I usually post here, but here goes.

It’s about that driver’s manual that I keep talking about having to read. Today I decided to actually sit down and read it, and then I realized how long this is, and how I have to memorize everything. I’m apparently going to take the test in December, which is a lot of time, but I really don’t want to do this. My older sister took the test last year and failed, and my parents got really pissed off at her when that happened. I don’t want that to happen to me because I know exactly what they’re going to say. I’m just kind of scared right now.
 
My 15 year old cat Burger is not doing well. 😭 he has a massive abscess in his mouth and is not a great candidate for surgery because of his age and slightly elevated kidney levels. His vet said two weeks ago that he can say with certainty that he is in constant extreme pain. We tried a 2 week antibiotic but it didn’t do anything.
 
Feeling mentally drained. My eyes feel so tired and early this morning I burst into tears thinking about my Mum. I couldn't stop. Luckily, no-one was up to see. I miss her so much everyday, but I haven’t cried like that for several months. It’s as if I can go along and then every so often the floodgates open. What I wouldn’t give to tell her how much I love her one more time. 💜
 
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