I feel like my dad worries too much about death. Don't get me wrong, I know the death of a family member or other loved one is very hard and oftentimes untimely and unexpected, but this is just something that makes me feel very weirded out.
Look, I get it. He lost his dad (neither of my grandfathers are biological) when he was only 10 and his brother (and thus, my uncle) a couple years ago, which my uncle had health issues in the past. So, of course, he's learned that it can happen suddenly and, as aforementioned, unexpectedly.
And I know he means well for the most part. He wants me to keep my guard up and whatnot - I completely get that.
Even I am worried for my maternal grandparents, since my grandmother has been battling breast cancer and my grandfather has not been in good health either himself. He apparently has Alzheimer's or dementia too. I have so many good memories of going to visit them in Houston and Columbus, Texas and I want to have more (at least of going to their main house in Houston - I do not know if they still go to their ranch house in Columbus). My dad said a few months ago that he doesn't know when our last time visiting them will be. I know he meant well in this situation, but it did hurt to hear. ;-;
But the issue I have is that he, at times, tends to use death against me, for lack of better words.
Like, he and I could be talking about something simple, and it could turn into a lecture and he could somehow link it to death even when the topic isn't supposed to have anything to do with death.
Earlier today, for example, I brought up the fact that tomorrow is Friday, to which my brother usually orders Door Dash on Fridays. My dad gripes at me about how I worry too much about it, and he uses examples of reasons why we may not do it on certain Fridays. He uses natural disasters as an example (like chill bro, we live out west where it is dry for the most part) and he brings up that my paternal grandparents could get into a car accident and be hospitalized (thus, us having to rush there) and possibly die, like what the ever living hell is he even on about?
I get he is a stressed out person, but like I said, it's that he tends to use these things (natural disasters and death, especially the latter) against me, that it becomes a bit of an issue.
Now, I do not necessarily support my paternal grandparents' decision to take a couple-hour trip every ****ing month just so my grandmother can get a haircut. This **** is one reason, and I have talked about the other one on here a few times already. My dad supports it anyway, despite worrying about them to such an extent, because he gets to have there annoying-ass dog over here when they are out of town. I do not understand why my grandmother cannot just get haircuts locally, but I digress.
Then there was that time back on April 30th that I discussed on here back on that day. However, I think I failed to mention that my dad claimed I was unappreciative and that I will not appreciate things until he (and I think he was possibly referring to my paternal grandmother as well) is gone (as an dead), which is not only untrue, but also very heartless.
As a refresher, my dad had told me that my paternal (for clarification, my maternal grandparents are in Houston, while my paternal ones are in the same town as me, my dad, and my brother) grandparents' dog was coming over for three weeks (which him coming over turned into a monthly thing). Knowing how I am uncomfortable around dogs, I show MILD frustration about the situation, and he gets pissed off and turns it into a whole lecturing mess about a bunch of **** that has happened in the past, including him partially blaming me for my mom walking out on us back in 2019 - not saying it was his fault either, but blaming your children for that, even partially, is ****ed up. And as previously mentioned, he claimed that I will not appreciate him until he dies, which is untrue. Not to sound selfish, but I should not have to death with bull****, just to prove myself to him.
Again, I understand my dad just want me to be aware and keep in mind that death can happen at any time, it just incidents like today's and back on April 30th -- THAT'S when I have a bit of a problem. I even understand the situation a couples months ago when we were talking about my maternal grandparents. It's one thing to remind your child that death is inevitable and can happen prematurely, it is quite another to use it against them and as a way to invalidate them.
It's making me procrastinate on leaving the house, which doesn't help.
I know I shouldn't be so upset. But 1D was and still is such a huge part of me.. :^(
