• Guest, can you feel the love in the air? Valentine's Week at The Bell Tree has begun with a new mini-event featuring four activities to enjoy -- new and returning collectibles are up for grabs! Dive in to the love here.

What's Bothering You?

I'm not sure if I'll manage to participate in all the activities of the Event. Now the only thing left for me is to create a Stocking, and I really want to make it, but I might not have enough time. And also because of that the outcome might not be the greatest, but something is better than nothing, right? 🫠
 
The news is on the background and they’re talking about the death penalty. My grandma is talking about how there should be a death penalty for LGBT people and anybody in the country that is not American.

It also wouldn’t surprise me if this actually happens, so I guess I’ll be pretending to be the gender I was born as for the next few years.
 
TBT has been mostly unusable for me since yesterday. I have no idea why. It acts like I have no internet connection and it only works if I sit around and wait for a minute or so, but will go back to not working within 2 or so minutes.
Every time I come back and check on it, it's not loading, forcing me to wait or give up.

Edit: Seems to have fixed after 24 hours. Really strange occurrence.
 
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My relationship with caffeine is so unhealthy. I keep compulsively drinking tons of coffee throughout the day. I know I get super anxious and buzzed from the caffeine, but I can't bring myself to stop. It truly feels like an addiction.
 
today i dreamt of my insecurities.
the lingering thoughts telling me i wasnt enough, that i was weak and sensitive and this isn’t how i was supposed to be. they wanted me to be strong; instead all i do is cry.

im sorry. im sorry i turned out the way i am. im sorry i turned out disappointing.
 
I’m currently on the train traveling up north to visit my sister for the holidays and it was delayed almost three and a half hours from my hometown station. The worst part is I have been up since 5 this morning to make sure that I would be at the station by 7:30 to catch the train which was supposed to arrive at 8:11. My entire budget for the entire trip has been mostly used today alone just buying food and coffee to not fall asleep and missing my train/stop.
 
skarmoury said:
today i dreamt of my insecurities.
the lingering thoughts telling me i wasnt enough, that i was weak and sensitive and this isn’t how i was supposed to be. they wanted me to be strong; instead all i do is cry.

im sorry. im sorry i turned out the way i am. im sorry i turned out disappointing.
Click to expand...
You turned out exactly the way you're supposed to be. It takes all kinds of people in this world. Even bad people help us appreciate good people more. We need sensitive people to remind aloof people to slow down for a second and experience the moment.

Being sensitive isn't weakness. It makes you better at picking up on what others are going through and being able to help them. Don't compare yourself to others because everyone is different. It's like seeing all the squirrels, lizards, and other animals climbing trees, and feeling like a failure because you're a goldfish and can't do that.
 
One library in the area had a copy of a Christmas movie I was planning to watch tomorrow. That library is a bit farther away, so I had it sent to a library closer to me last week and was going to pick it up on Saturday. Saturday arrives and I go there to discover that it is closed due to a water main break. Okay, fine. They're always closed on Sunday, so I go out tonight. Turns out all of the libraries are closed until Thursday. Cool.

Also unfortunately missed out on both opportunities for a White Feather from this year's 12 Days of Christmas. Not only winning the drawing but getting the particular collectible was always highly unlikely anyway, but still, lol.

Bleh.
 
Honestly, just tired of my time not being valued. However, that is just how the world works. Most people suffer this sadly.
Also the great urge to have an empty and highly organized room, which just isn't realistic, is driving me crazy. Tired of clutter, and visual busy-ness everywhere. Is the bombardment of ads and logos getting to me? This spring I hope to go through all my clothing and replace most of it with plain colored tshirts from a bulk store. Maybe I sound crazy but honestly I just want some simplicity and shirts that aren't too big. I'm just too tired and I don't know how to communicate that in a more detailed way.
For now, organizing stuff in Stardew valley will have to do for scratching that itch of decluttering and organizing and making an area look simplistic.
 
just left work crying on christmas eve lol. i don't think i could get another job, but i'm still tempted to quit this one because that was horrible and unnecessary. nitpicking me constantly in front of people, telling me i'm sensitive because i take it to heart on top of the constant jokes at my expense and pointed out that, hey, why are you only nitpicking me for this when my colleague is doing the same thing, putting the entire onus of the atmosphere and everyone else's mood on me because i'm clinically depressed and have sad days, calling me rude for saying that if they want to take me yawning as rude then they can, and getting horrid at me in response for standing up for myself. what a nightmare to end the year on lmao.
 
So over the last month and even starting last summer my boss at my job has had a mild crush on me. And over the last month I started developing a crush on him too. It is so complicated and crazy right now. Today he went behind my back to my job coach and I don’t even know exactly what was said other than people have noticed. He won’t get fired but I might and ugh honestly it is so scary. I am almost in tears. It should never have happened. I should never have been put in this situation and I feel I am being rammed in a corner without a voice. It completely stinks and it is so messed up. I hope it doesn’t ruin my Christmas but honestly it might. I have to work today and I honestly am just going to avoid all management. It is best for me mentally right now.
 
daringred_ said:
just left work crying on christmas eve lol. i don't think i could get another job, but i'm still tempted to quit this one because that was horrible and unnecessary. nitpicking me constantly in front of people, telling me i'm sensitive because i take it to heart on top of the constant jokes at my expense and pointed out that, hey, why are you only nitpicking me for this when my colleague is doing the same thing, putting the entire onus of the atmosphere and everyone else's mood on me because i'm clinically depressed and have sad days, calling me rude for saying that if they want to take me yawning as rude then they can, and getting horrid at me in response for standing up for myself. what a nightmare to end the year on lmao.
Click to expand...
It might be worthwhile starting to send out job applications. It's easier to find a job when you're already employed!
 
I went outside to check the mail and my grandma’s neighbor was being nice, introducing herself to me and I hate myself for using my deadname. If I didn’t, she would’ve told me grandma that she met me and her referring to me as my chosen name would not have been pretty.

I hate my deadname so much, but here I am… USING IT. I feel like I’m part of the problem. I wanted to tell her that I hit my head recently and lost my memory, so I forgot my name but that would’ve caused even more problems.

I feel like I’m part of the issue here.
 
I had to quit my job. I'm autistic but high functioning. So I still get overstimulated and stressed. I was also recently diagnosed with anxiety disorder and depression, which did not help matters. I was at that job for almost 2 years but in those almost two years they refused to accommodate me, despite me asking multiple times. So I had to quit. I'm very disappointed because I actually liked working. It was nice to earn a little extra money but at the same time, I can't keep putting my mental health on the line for a job that doesn't even give a crap about me enough to accommodate a condition I actually have. But at the same time, I can at least be proud of the fact that I at least tried.

I still feel all kinds of ways about quitting though.
 
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