What's Bothering You?

My relationship with caffeine is so unhealthy. I keep compulsively drinking tons of coffee throughout the day. I know I get super anxious and buzzed from the caffeine, but I can't bring myself to stop. It truly feels like an addiction.
 
today i dreamt of my insecurities.
the lingering thoughts telling me i wasnt enough, that i was weak and sensitive and this isn’t how i was supposed to be. they wanted me to be strong; instead all i do is cry.

im sorry. im sorry i turned out the way i am. im sorry i turned out disappointing.
 
I’m currently on the train traveling up north to visit my sister for the holidays and it was delayed almost three and a half hours from my hometown station. The worst part is I have been up since 5 this morning to make sure that I would be at the station by 7:30 to catch the train which was supposed to arrive at 8:11. My entire budget for the entire trip has been mostly used today alone just buying food and coffee to not fall asleep and missing my train/stop.
 
today i dreamt of my insecurities.
the lingering thoughts telling me i wasnt enough, that i was weak and sensitive and this isn’t how i was supposed to be. they wanted me to be strong; instead all i do is cry.

im sorry. im sorry i turned out the way i am. im sorry i turned out disappointing.
You turned out exactly the way you're supposed to be. It takes all kinds of people in this world. Even bad people help us appreciate good people more. We need sensitive people to remind aloof people to slow down for a second and experience the moment.

Being sensitive isn't weakness. It makes you better at picking up on what others are going through and being able to help them. Don't compare yourself to others because everyone is different. It's like seeing all the squirrels, lizards, and other animals climbing trees, and feeling like a failure because you're a goldfish and can't do that.
 
One library in the area had a copy of a Christmas movie I was planning to watch tomorrow. That library is a bit farther away, so I had it sent to a library closer to me last week and was going to pick it up on Saturday. Saturday arrives and I go there to discover that it is closed due to a water main break. Okay, fine. They're always closed on Sunday, so I go out tonight. Turns out all of the libraries are closed until Thursday. Cool.

Also unfortunately missed out on both opportunities for a White Feather from this year's 12 Days of Christmas. Not only winning the drawing but getting the particular collectible was always highly unlikely anyway, but still, lol.

Bleh.
 
just left work crying on christmas eve lol. i don't think i could get another job, but i'm still tempted to quit this one because that was horrible and unnecessary. nitpicking me constantly in front of people, telling me i'm sensitive because i take it to heart on top of the constant jokes at my expense and pointed out that, hey, why are you only nitpicking me for this when my colleague is doing the same thing, putting the entire onus of the atmosphere and everyone else's mood on me because i'm clinically depressed and have sad days, calling me rude for saying that if they want to take me yawning as rude then they can, and getting horrid at me in response for standing up for myself. what a nightmare to end the year on lmao.
 
So over the last month and even starting last summer my boss at my job has had a mild crush on me. And over the last month I started developing a crush on him too. It is so complicated and crazy right now. Today he went behind my back to my job coach and I don’t even know exactly what was said other than people have noticed. He won’t get fired but I might and ugh honestly it is so scary. I am almost in tears. It should never have happened. I should never have been put in this situation and I feel I am being rammed in a corner without a voice. It completely stinks and it is so messed up. I hope it doesn’t ruin my Christmas but honestly it might. I have to work today and I honestly am just going to avoid all management. It is best for me mentally right now.
 
just left work crying on christmas eve lol. i don't think i could get another job, but i'm still tempted to quit this one because that was horrible and unnecessary. nitpicking me constantly in front of people, telling me i'm sensitive because i take it to heart on top of the constant jokes at my expense and pointed out that, hey, why are you only nitpicking me for this when my colleague is doing the same thing, putting the entire onus of the atmosphere and everyone else's mood on me because i'm clinically depressed and have sad days, calling me rude for saying that if they want to take me yawning as rude then they can, and getting horrid at me in response for standing up for myself. what a nightmare to end the year on lmao.
It might be worthwhile starting to send out job applications. It's easier to find a job when you're already employed!
 
I went outside to check the mail and my grandma’s neighbor was being nice, introducing herself to me and I hate myself for using my deadname. If I didn’t, she would’ve told me grandma that she met me and her referring to me as my chosen name would not have been pretty.

I hate my deadname so much, but here I am… USING IT. I feel like I’m part of the problem. I wanted to tell her that I hit my head recently and lost my memory, so I forgot my name but that would’ve caused even more problems.

I feel like I’m part of the issue here.
 
I had to quit my job. I'm autistic but high functioning. So I still get overstimulated and stressed. I was also recently diagnosed with anxiety disorder and depression, which did not help matters. I was at that job for almost 2 years but in those almost two years they refused to accommodate me, despite me asking multiple times. So I had to quit. I'm very disappointed because I actually liked working. It was nice to earn a little extra money but at the same time, I can't keep putting my mental health on the line for a job that doesn't even give a crap about me enough to accommodate a condition I actually have. But at the same time, I can at least be proud of the fact that I at least tried.

I still feel all kinds of ways about quitting though.
 
scrolling on reddit yesterday and someone posted gore without censoring it or anything.
wonderful.
don't even get me started on the comments under the post. just evil, evil people.
it was from a subreddit that's been going to trash recently so i'm not really upset about leaving it. but ugh, i really wish i hadn't seen it. ruined my whole night and my day. it was very disturbing and it's really weighing on me.
 
(Sigh) look I hate being negative but I just need to vent. I'm stuck living in this airbnb and my dysfunctional family is always being loud and there is drama. It's ruining my Christmas I've been told to do different things and handle other stuff. When I am done I have don't have any energy to relax myself. I can't even play games because I am very annoyed and tired from all the drama.

Just once I want to have a day where there is no drama from my family it's always pointing fingers, yelling and swearing. It's so mentally draining and I can't seem to escape this never ending nightmare.
 
Much better day today. I took back control of what is mine which is myself. I didn’t speak to my boss who has a crush on me for an hour to avoid stares. And it worked. He had a bit of a moment I was ghosting him but it was for my own good. I needed to protect myself and i talked to him when i was ready. And I felt good taking back some power and control from him. It was really empowering. Good I can have a good Christmas now.

Merry Christmas everyone!
 
I always feel bad when I tell people I'm gonna draw for them and I push it way off 😔 like I love drawing for people, because my art makes them happy and that makes me happy (hell even my own art makes me happy), but there's always something ridiculous going on in my life which prevents me from enjoying my hobbies and passions. there are games I've borrowed from the library that I haven't played, there are piano pieces that I haven't practiced, and of course there's always some kind of cleaning to be done. but I've been making the rounds with college, with my legal name change, with work, with family and friends, and especially with my health. they always seem to get in the way.

I just want to apologize to those who have either waited for forever to get a drawing from me, or ended up not getting one at all because the prospect of the project overwhelmed me too much. it's difficult.

also, there are so many things I want to draw, that I just don't have the energy or motivation for 😭 I admire artists on TBT who are very consistent and can draw every request they get and more.
 
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