What's Bothering You?

[ForeverALoan]

Spoiler

Hey, I’m sorry you’re going through this. I’ve been through a similar situation, and it’s mentally draining. As rough as it may seem right now, ultimately it’s good you came to this realization. To keep this short, my only advice is to just keep that person out of your life. Don’t give them much thought, they aren’t worth it. If you ever want to talk more, my DMs are always open.

Spoiler: Spoiler

hey thank you soso much. Im honestly glad to have her out of my life and its slowly getting better, I just feel lucky to still have people who are there for me. I'll do my best not to give her much thought, but its a bit hard atm. I'm so sorry youve been through something similar because this is something i'd never wish on anyone tbh it sucks. Thank you for the offer you seem really sweet <3

 

[Chris]

been bothering me for a few days but on Monday I went to go get my hair cut and the barber there said "I've cut hair for other women too" like

I know I'm not like fully FTM trans but I wish I could pass enough so that people aren't still referring to me as a woman. I won't consider hormone therapy cause I like my voice the way it is (even though it's not really deep, it's deep enough and I've started to talk with my chest more) and I really hate the idea of having body hair. I'm comfortable with the way I am (except for having to wear a binder ofc) but people are apparently still gonna see me as feminine so I either need to do something appearance wise or maybe get myself one of those "hello my pronouns are ____" pins cause every time someone refers to me as female it honestly makes me really upset (though I don't make that obvious).

@sheilaa and I will just have to hit the wine on your behalf. Happy birthday!

As for your predicament, don't hesitate to correct them! It's how people learn. If it happens often enough, they're going to naturally think to ask people they encounter in future instead of assuming. You don't need to change; the world around you does. A pin can absolutely help with that.

If you do decide to change your appearance, please do it because you want to rather than feeling as if you have to. It is common for transgender people to worry that they're "not trans enough" if they are repeatedly misgendered. It's important to remember that there isn't a right or wrong way to be NB/trans - you don't have to completely distance yourself from things associated with your AGAB just because some members of society can't conceive of something more complex than 'if you're not X then you must be Y'. For example, someone who was AFAB and now identifies as NB can still wear their hair long and wear dresses without invalidating themselves. A transgender woman can have short hair, play contact sports, and dress in a typical 'tomboy' style without invalidating herself. Whatever you choose to do with your appearance, be sure that it is first and foremost an authentic representation of you.

 

[Alienfish]

@Vrisnem Yup, just had a couple of white wine glasses. Cheers!

Also @xSuperMario64x Happy Birthday!

 

[TheSillyPuppy]

When I need space/privacy and I can't get it for long stretches of time, I feel physically ill. When someone interacts with me during this time, I feel exhausted. I'm just super introverted.

And then I feel guilty for snapping at my partner. x_x

I relate to this so much and I've definitely snapped at my partner when I wanted to be left alone to do schoolwork (I always apologized right after because I felt awful about not telling him in a mature way).

Earlier this week, I was reading a Reddit post somewhat related to this topic. A commenter said that she (an introvert) and her family (husband and two children, if I'm remembering correctly) scheduled at least one hour every evening for everyone in the family to do their own thing, uninterrupted. Maybe you could bring up an idea akin to that to your partner and see what they think about it. Hope this helps!

@xSuperMario64x, happy birthday! I hope you have a wonderful day and year ahead!

The most recent Chrome update has really messed up how my company's web app looks. TGIF.

 

[Soigne]

anxiety about, well, everything.

 

[Alienfish]

If you do decide to change your appearance, please do it because you want to rather than feeling as if you have to.

And, this so much ^^^

Anyway I really wish this app could actually code updates properly rather than put all their devs on designing ugly interfaces, bleh.

 

[xSuperMario64x]

can i ask if you actually tried IPA beer cause that sounds like it lol

I can't say I have but if Budweiser tastes like cleaning solution to me I would hate to know what IPA tastes like to me lmao

@sheilaa and I will just have to hit the wine on your behalf. Happy birthday!

As for your predicament, don't hesitate to correct them! It's how people learn. If it happens often enough, they're going to naturally think to ask people they encounter in future instead of assuming. You don't need to change; the world around you does. A pin can absolutely help with that.

If you do decide to change your appearance, please do it because you want to rather than feeling as if you have to. It is common for transgender people to worry that they're "not trans enough" if they are repeatedly misgendered. It's important to remember that there isn't a right or wrong way to be NB/trans - you don't have to completely distance yourself from things associated with your AGAB just because some members of society can't conceive of something more complex than 'if you're not X then you must be Y'. For example, someone who was AFAB and now identifies as NB can still wear their hair long and wear dresses without invalidating themselves. A transgender woman can have short hair, play contact sports, and dress in a typical 'tomboy' style without invalidating herself. Whatever you choose to do with your appearance, be sure that it is first and foremost an authentic representation of you.

ty Vris and sheila for the bday wishes!!

I was talking a bit out of frustration, I don't really have any intention to change my appearance drastically more than I have. some of my biggest giveaways that make it hard to pass are the fact that I like wearing colorful studded earrings and I also like wearing colorful/tie-dye shirts. heck today I wore a rainbow tie-dye shirt. I personally don't think that clothes should dictate gender identity but it seems like a lot of people think that way, especially where I live and in my family. I don't care enough about what others think to really change how I look for them, but it does get annoying when people still assume I go by she/her even though I'm trying to get away from being overtly feminine. I think today I'll make my own pronoun sticker/pin so that I can wear it if I go out and about

I think I will start correcting people. I told my mom two months ago and she still refers to me by my old pronouns. she doesn't even pardon herself when she does so unless I bring it up. it's possible that she just forgets, maybe if I remind her a lot it would help. though she's kinda hard to deal with cause when I correct her she's like "you gotta give me time to get used to it" but like bruh you can't get used to it if you're not actively practicing/trying lol
my friend also keeps using my old name/pronouns, prob also bc she forgets after knowing the old me for like 13 years lol. I'll just remind her if it comes up again.

@xSuperMario64x, happy birthday! I hope you have a wonderful day and year ahead!

thank you!!

-----------------
I really need to tell my dad about me being nb so I can start opening up to people more, I'm just so terrified cause I've taken so much verbal abuse from him over the years and I don't want to put myself in that situation on purpose. but I gotta say when he uses my deadname/pronouns I just feel so invalidated. he really needs to know.
it's kinda funny how oblivious he is though, I changed my name on FB to my preferred name, I have my pronouns listed on my profile (he tryna play stupid and be like "what's that for" like how tf do you not know), and I HAVE A WHOLE *** NB FLAG ON MY WALL. part of me wonders if he's in denial. that would be pretty unfortunate.

 

[King koopa]

Spoiler

My cousin (the one with autism) just told me on the phone that people are thinking because they have long hair they are always questioned about being a girl. Like come on, I know plenty of boys and men with long hair and I know plenty of girls with short hair. I can't believe people still think that if you have long hair you're automatically a girl! So I just told them to ignore people like that but I feel so bad for him because he can't even have long hair without people asking questions

 

[Chris]

I can't say I have but if Budweiser tastes like cleaning solution to me I would hate to know what IPA tastes like to me lmao


ty Vris and sheila for the bday wishes!!

I was talking a bit out of frustration, I don't really have any intention to change my appearance drastically more than I have. some of my biggest giveaways that make it hard to pass are the fact that I like wearing colorful studded earrings and I also like wearing colorful/tie-dye shirts. heck today I wore a rainbow tie-dye shirt. I personally don't think that clothes should dictate gender identity but it seems like a lot of people think that way, especially where I live and in my family. I don't care enough about what others think to really change how I look for them, but it does get annoying when people still assume I go by she/her even though I'm trying to get away from being overtly feminine. I think today I'll make my own pronoun sticker/pin so that I can wear it if I go out and about

I think I will start correcting people. I told my mom two months ago and she still refers to me by my old pronouns. she doesn't even pardon herself when she does so unless I bring it up. it's possible that she just forgets, maybe if I remind her a lot it would help. though she's kinda hard to deal with cause when I correct her she's like "you gotta give me time to get used to it" but like bruh you can't get used to it if you're not actively practicing/trying lol
my friend also keeps using my old name/pronouns, prob also bc she forgets after knowing the old me for like 13 years lol. I'll just remind her if it comes up again.


thank you!!

-----------------
I really need to tell my dad about me being nb so I can start opening up to people more, I'm just so terrified cause I've taken so much verbal abuse from him over the years and I don't want to put myself in that situation on purpose. but I gotta say when he uses my deadname/pronouns I just feel so invalidated. he really needs to know.
it's kinda funny how oblivious he is though, I changed my name on FB to my preferred name, I have my pronouns listed on my profile (he tryna play stupid and be like "what's that for" like how tf do you not know), and I HAVE A WHOLE *** NB FLAG ON MY WALL. part of me wonders if he's in denial. that would be pretty unfortunate.

Oh, absolutely, people will overthink clothing choices. (Cishet) men get accused of being gay just for wearing colourful or patterned clothing. You're going to get judged regardless of what you wear, no matter who you are.

People won't learn if you're not correcting them. I stopped going by my birth name a long, long time ago. My parents came up with a nickname for me (they didn't like my preferred name) to use in place of it, but they'll call me by my preferred name in public settings. It was a decent compromise and helped them adapt to the change more easily. I think having that little bit of control/some say in the situation helped.

 

[Princess Mipha]

My left arm is starting to hurt like hell, because of the 2nd dose of vaccine. I hope I won't feel too bad the next days.. >->
At least it's done.. now to hope that I won't have to redo it after some time!

 

[Holla]

I can't say I have but if Budweiser tastes like cleaning solution to me I would hate to know what IPA tastes like to me lmao


ty Vris and sheila for the bday wishes!!

I was talking a bit out of frustration, I don't really have any intention to change my appearance drastically more than I have. some of my biggest giveaways that make it hard to pass are the fact that I like wearing colorful studded earrings and I also like wearing colorful/tie-dye shirts. heck today I wore a rainbow tie-dye shirt. I personally don't think that clothes should dictate gender identity but it seems like a lot of people think that way, especially where I live and in my family. I don't care enough about what others think to really change how I look for them, but it does get annoying when people still assume I go by she/her even though I'm trying to get away from being overtly feminine. I think today I'll make my own pronoun sticker/pin so that I can wear it if I go out and about

I think I will start correcting people. I told my mom two months ago and she still refers to me by my old pronouns. she doesn't even pardon herself when she does so unless I bring it up. it's possible that she just forgets, maybe if I remind her a lot it would help. though she's kinda hard to deal with cause when I correct her she's like "you gotta give me time to get used to it" but like bruh you can't get used to it if you're not actively practicing/trying lol
my friend also keeps using my old name/pronouns, prob also bc she forgets after knowing the old me for like 13 years lol. I'll just remind her if it comes up again.


thank you!!

-----------------
I really need to tell my dad about me being nb so I can start opening up to people more, I'm just so terrified cause I've taken so much verbal abuse from him over the years and I don't want to put myself in that situation on purpose. but I gotta say when he uses my deadname/pronouns I just feel so invalidated. he really needs to know.
it's kinda funny how oblivious he is though, I changed my name on FB to my preferred name, I have my pronouns listed on my profile (he tryna play stupid and be like "what's that for" like how tf do you not know), and I HAVE A WHOLE *** NB FLAG ON MY WALL. part of me wonders if he's in denial. that would be pretty unfortunate.

Spoiler

You definitely need some patience when it comes to people who have known you a long time to get used to new pronouns. That doesn't necessarily mean that they don't care or want to disrespect you. I had a friend in the past who I always exclusively knew as a female. Just a couple years ago they transitioned to male. I fully support them, but definitely after knowing them for several years as female my brain always defaults to thinking about them as a female even though I know that isn't the case anymore. They have since moved away after getting married to a fellow trans guy so I haven't met them in person in recent years but I'd probably slip up and use incorrect pronouns out of habit if I did (I definitely still do it in my mind). Though at the same time I'd feel very bad and apologetic about it.

From what I've read in your past posts your Mom seems to be pretty supportive of you so she just needs to adjust. I'm sure it's frustrating that she can't just start using it more as you'd like, but it's different for everyone to get used to. She's only known you a certain way for 20 something years by now right? So it might take her a bit longer than other people. I'm sure with time she will start to get more used to the idea.

I also second with correcting people. It's hard for them to learn new things without someone to guide them. To me it seems obvious to not assume someone is male or female based on body shape, hairstyle, clothing etc. Though others that have had male vs female ingrained as such a black and white thing thanks to society may need a helping hand to understand better. Some may never understand but they should at least be given a chance in my opinion.

I'm sorry things are so tricky with your Dad. I do think being open and honest with him is the best thing you can do. Only tell him when you are ready to though. He could very well be entirely oblivious even if it seems like you've made it obvious to him. Denial is a crazy thing sometimes. He will either come around eventually or he might not. Regardless I think he at least deserves a chance to understand the situation even if it seems unlikely. Regardless, just focus on the people who do care about and support you even if he does not.

Holy smokes I didn't mean to write a whole story here, but hopefully some of this will help. I hope you have a great weekend!

 

[xSuperMario64x]

Oh, absolutely, people will overthink clothing choices. (Cishet) men get accused of being gay just for wearing colourful or patterned clothing. You're going to get judged regardless of what you wear, no matter who you are.

People won't learn if you're not correcting them. I stopped going by my birth name a long, long time ago. My parents came up with a nickname for me (they didn't like my preferred name) to use in place of it, but they'll call me by my preferred name in public settings. It was a decent compromise and helped them adapt to the change more easily. I think having that little bit of control/some say in the situation helped.

yeah my mom is struggling w pronouns but she's doing pretty well with my name. she's been calling me by a nickname which I've had my whole life, and avoiding my actual first name. I really appreciate that. now if I can get my dad to do the same lol. I've kinda stopped responding to those whom I've come out to when they use my deadname, so that's a thing. I guess I'll also start pointing it out. the more they start using my preferred name/pronouns the more confident/secure I'll feel

 

[Dunquixote]

This isn’t so much a bother, but more thoughts and small worries. Even though my art is still in the beginning stages and my better pieces aren’t colored, I kinda want to share some of it on twitter but since I used references, I am not sure how to go about giving credits and links since there is a limit to characters and photos in each tweet. Also, maybe I am just fooling myself thinking someone would like seeing it ; and even though it’s not even good quality, art theft scares me. Maybe it’d be better to keep it to here until I can start making stuff without a lot of references. Also worrying that thinking this makes it look like I’m full of myself. The last thing I want to do is pat myself on the back and claim that I’m really good - whether it is as an artist or in general.

 

[xSuperMario64x]

Spoiler

You definitely need some patience when it comes to people who have known you a long time to get used to new pronouns. That doesn't necessarily mean that they don't care or want to disrespect you. I had a friend in the past who I always exclusively knew as a female. Just a couple years ago they transitioned to male. I fully support them, but definitely after knowing them for several years as female my brain always defaults to thinking about them as a female even though I know that isn't the case anymore. They have since moved away after getting married to a fellow trans guy so I haven't met them in person in recent years but I'd probably slip up and use incorrect pronouns out of habit if I did (I definitely still do it in my mind). Though at the same time I'd feel very bad and apologetic about it.

From what I've read in your past posts your Mom seems to be pretty supportive of you so she just needs to adjust. I'm sure it's frustrating that she can't just start using it more as you'd like, but it's different for everyone to get used to. She's only known you a certain way for 20 something years by now right? So it might take her a bit longer than other people. I'm sure with time she will start to get more used to the idea.

I also second with correcting people. It's hard for them to learn new things without someone to guide them. To me it seems obvious to not assume someone is male or female based on body shape, hairstyle, clothing etc. Though others that have had male vs female ingrained as such a black and white thing thanks to society may need a helping hand to understand better. Some may never understand but they should at least be given a chance in my opinion.

I'm sorry things are so tricky with your Dad. I do think being open and honest with him is the best thing you can do. Only tell him when you are ready to though. He could very well be entirely oblivious even if it seems like you've made it obvious to him. Denial is a crazy thing sometimes. He will either come around eventually or he might not. Regardless I think he at least deserves a chance to understand the situation even if it seems unlikely. Regardless, just focus on the people who do care about and support you even if he does not.

Holy smokes I didn't mean to write a whole story here, but hopefully some of this will help. I hope you have a great weekend!

for me I don't mind if someone slips up and then apologizes, cause then they've made it obvious that they're aware of their mistake. it just bothers me when people like my mom slip up and then don't say anything about it unless I prompt them. also yeah she's been using my old name/pronouns for 21 years so it might take some time :lol:

maybe I could try writing a note to my dad? idk if that would help but I'm honest to god afraid to tell him to his face.

Post automatically merged: Jun 11, 2021

This isn’t so much a bother, but more thoughts and small worries. Even though my art is still in the beginning stages and my better pieces aren’t colored, I kinda want to share some of it on twitter but since I used references, I am not sure how to go about giving credits and links since there is a limit to characters and photos in each tweet. Also, maybe I am just fooling myself thinking someone would like seeing it ; and even though it’s not even good quality, art theft scares me. Maybe it’d be better to keep it to here until I can start making stuff without a lot of references. Also worrying that thinking this makes it look like I’m full of myself. The last thing I want to do is pat myself on the back and claim that I’m really good - whether it is as an artist or in general.

I practiced a ton using references when I was like 10-12 y.o. and I always shared my stuff online and with people in my life. if you want to give credit simply link the artist's profile or the picture which you used for a reference

 

[Chris]

maybe I could try writing a note to my dad? idk if that would help but I'm honest to god afraid to tell him to his face.

You could just send him a text message. It doesn't need to be a big formal thing! I find these conversations often go better over text or email because it gives the other person time to process the information before replying.

 

[TheSillyPuppy]

This isn’t so much a bother, but more thoughts and small worries. Even though my art is still in the beginning stages and my better pieces aren’t colored, I kinda want to share some of it on twitter but since I used references, I am not sure how to go about giving credits and links since there is a limit to characters and photos in each tweet. Also, maybe I am just fooling myself thinking someone would like seeing it ; and even though it’s not even good quality, art theft scares me. Maybe it’d be better to keep it to here until I can start making stuff without a lot of references. Also worrying that thinking this makes it look like I’m full of myself. The last thing I want to do is pat myself on the back and claim that I’m really good - whether it is as an artist or in general.

If you're worried about the character limit, you can use something like TinyURL to shorten the link to the artist's profile/artwork. ^_^

 

[riummi]

I got emailed about a second round of interviewing so soon! Im worried if it’ll be with a bunch of other people or another higher up. I hope they are nice and friendly!

 

[Midoriya]

It looks like this new place isn’t going to hire me. Great. I guess I’ll just work as a barista until I die. : ‘ )

Tell me again, why did I go to college in the first place if I can’t get a good job afterwards?

 

[xSuperMario64x]

why am I still so damn TIRED UGH i hate this

also lowkey mad cause there is no place in this city where I can get my DSiXL repaired, the guy at gamestop couldn't even direct me to anyone. someone there said I could send it to Nintendo for repairs but it could total to $70-100 which is prob more than the DSi is even worth. there's a person I could potentially talk to in a city about 30 miles from here but I don't have his contact info and he's only there on Friday afternoons
at this rate I'm willing to just try to fix it myself for like the 3rd time lol

 

[Soigne]

warning: long

Spoiler

i graduated college last spring (2020) and almost immediately got a job as a barista, that i kept until last week. i had been looking for work related to my degree throughout the entire pandemic and didn't find anything until i got my current part time job at a library. i'd always wanted to find full time work at a library, so i figured this was a good opportunity. i'm not sure if i want to get my masters to be a librarian at some point, but i knew the library environment was where i wanted to work. i tried to make my full time schedule as a barista and my part time schedule at the library work out, but it was too much. i ended up working close to a full month without a day off between the two jobs. so, i quit my barista job. i thought my job at the library was a step in the right direction. i thought, maybe, i could find another part time job eventually, or my current one would lead to full time work.

much to my disappointment, this library job sucks. i work with 3-4 full time people who have all worked there for 35+ years and think they're above everyone. they think i work for them rather than as their equal. they spend their entire shifts **** talking our supervisor, the library director, basically anyone they come in contact with. other employees, other librarians. they always have something to say about everyone. they're openly homophobic/transphobic. i quite literally cannot stand working with any of them. i'm trying to tough it out. i've told myself to give it through the end of july and see how i feel then, since by that point i'll have been there for 3 months.

i'm seriously considering calling my old boss and asking for my job back. i would rather work 6 days a week, 55+ hours a week, making coffee for people than sitting in my car on the verge of tears outside a job that i thought was going to lead me into a proper career at some point. i may see if i can come back as an assistant manager or something along the lines, because then i would be getting paid more to essentially make coffee + do paperwork and whatnot. but i'm miserable at this library. the only thing holding me back is the fact that i quit there for a reason. i was feeling really burnt out. but the alternative is not much better. at least on an assistant manager's salary, i'd be able to pay off my student loans and save up money to move out. there's no guarantee i'm ever going to get full time work at the library i'm at now, and i don't feel like wasting years of my life hoping that things will get better when the other employees have been working there longer than i've been alive already.

but everyone is telling me to stick with the library job, that that's going to open more doors in the future for my career. but i don't know if i can handle it. i don't really see an issue with working as an assistant manager until i decide i'm ready for grad school or something else along the lines. surely that experience would be useful in a variety of fields. i just am so lost as to what to do. i feel like i'm already wasting so much time.