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What's Bothering You?

feeling so tired and sickly. I can't set up an appt with my doctor bc his office isn't open again til monday morning, meaning I have to go to work tomorrow and monday feeling like this. I don't even have the energy to edit a video I recorded last night, I keep drifting in and out of focus and not really paying attention to the parts I want to edit out. I know I need to rest but I always feel like I'm just being lazy and useless when I do that. I can't rest without feeling guilty.

also my SO is dealing with a lot of difficult stuff right now and I feel so bad, wish I could just take him away from all the bad vibes 😔
 
I’m too embarrassed to tell my partner that I wish they were a bit sweeter to me lol!! He’s already very sweet but I’m feeling kind of sick atm and I need extra love </3
 
Right now I feel like I got beat up. I am guessing from the driving and stress of yesterday and perhaps weather. It's nothing that I haven't felt before, but it doesn't make sleeping easy.
 
My self esteem is just so low right now, and has been for a few months now. I just don't like who I am. I feel like an outcast compared to everyone I'm surrounded by. I don't have friends, I don't have a partner or kids (nor the desire to have either), I'm not super active, I'm not super sociable and outgoing. I'm just super boring. My anxiety stops me from doing regular things in my job and it probably effects my performance. I keep making mistakes which gets me down. I just wish I was a different person.
 
currently 6:50 am and for some reason i cant fall asleep. been trying for the past 2 and half hours to no avail. im really tired but just got on my phone to watch something to hopefully fall asleep faster (i know blue light makes u more awake but watching videos usually makes me doze off). please brain shut down its sleep time
 
Lost my headphones. Only thing I wanted to do tonight was listen to music. Tonight sucks. dont need this rn.
 
im happy again 😊 (all of my sadness is short lived 🤔)
 
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^ how i wish all my sadness was short-lived

i’ve been out of the house for majority of the time since thursday and I’m exhausted as hell 🛏 i want to just lie in bed and sleep but i can’t i have so many things to do aaa
 
Every time an event is held on this site and I see there are Mario Kart rounds, I have the strongest urge to play. I haven’t played since the Mario Kart Wii era, and casually with Mario Kart 8 many years ago. It brings back memories of battling, which I wasn’t half bad at. It makes me feel nostalgic about the clan wars I used to participate in as a member of the Battle Masters. That game was basically my childhood, and I can’t help but want to go back some days and play that game. It’s just that I don’t want to at the same time because of the negative memories I have attached to that game. I don’t think any of the people that were in my Mario Kart friend group are in contact with each other. I drifted apart from the one person I was closest to in that group. We were friends since I was 10 years old — he was 9. We met online on YouTube of all places, but we drifted apart as we both got older just because we are two very different people. I guess that’s how friendships work sometimes, especially when they start young. What I don’t regret though is that the memories happened. He was my only friend basically when I was being bullied relentlessly in school.
 
I’m tired of getting those loud weather alerts for the county next door. Way to rub it in that they get some rain and we don’t.
 
i literally just had the most disturbing experience at target. there was this guy who kept racially profiling everyone in the store and kept saying that he was going to shoot the store up. luckily the cops came right after my mom and i left, hopefully they imprison him because he’s exactly the type of person to come back and do what he threatened to do.
 
I'm sad.
I know it is pretty much just a side effect of my gut problems that decided to kick up (probably due to the stress I was experiencing Friday over something I had to attend with a vehicle I wasn't use to, and I ate some food I normally don't eat Saturday because we had a fair in town meaning, special occasion. It didn't mix well.) but it's there, and it bothers me.

Also for some reason I am starting to think of the holidays already... (Something I dread every year) Probably because it's another thing that stresses me out and happens to make me get off my routine habits cuz people..

I wish I could be a hermit in the woods and 100% self reliant. Heh 🧙🪤🛖
 
Nothing feels real anymore. It feels like I’m just forced to exist and put in a script, and with how I try to fix myself and not break down it feels like even my feelings are artificial and I kid myself to feign some sense of progress. I just eat to stay alive, and I don’t even feel like I ate when I finished a meal. All my senses are dull. It’s all the same. I miss the guy who was lying to me about his indentity. He was the only person I think I ever felt connected to in that way. I don’t feel connected to anything anymore. I have what some people would call “terrible thoughts” (I’m numb to my thoughts like that st this point) but those are the most honest I am to myself. Not sharing them here because pg forum with strangers
 
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