i wish my mum didnt hate me.
i wish i didn't hate my mum.
(Context to this: i have a bad relationship with my mum, she abused me and excuses it on her mental illness, i moved out at 16, im now 18. soo... not a good start.. we got my cat when i was 14. she also has a history of being a bad pet owner)
i feel ashamed to dislike my mum, i feel guilt for how i feel. im a whole adult with a life and feelings and yet she can still toy me around.
she got into a fight with me today because she agreed to take care of my cat for a while and then whipped around and said i had to take her immediately and that if i didnt she would sent her to the RSPCA. i told her i needed time, i tried to be clear and calm but as per usual my mother spun me in circles and vilified me. ended up in such a bad texting arguement she called me, i put her on loud speaker. she 12 seconds in began yelling at me, i said 'please dont yell, i just want to talk about it' so she said 'right thats it im calling the shelter now' so me and my boyfriend were forced to rush to buy everything we needed and go get her from the otherside of the city.
she made up lies about my cat. said she was stealing the other cats food (for context the other cat is twice her size and abuses the hell out of her), we knew this was a lie because we recently visited and had to physically hold the bigger cat back so she could eat her food. ive witnessed him attack her countless times.
she told me that my cat was having toileting issues and this was the main reason. she said it was a long term issue and had been going on for some time, i said she shouldve told me as soon as that became an issue, not when she hit her limit. she shouldve told me right off the bat 'there are some problems beginning' and i wouldve done something
she also told us the bigger cat was afraid of her and wouldnt even go near her, when i got there they were asleep on the bed together. i even took a photo. they seemed totally happy. she said that my cat was attacking the other cat but that doesnt add up when for the past two years she has been constantly attacked by him to the point of once needing medical help. i tried to emphasise to her i needed time but she said 'fine shes being locked in a room then until you come get her'.
she spent an hour arguing with me because of me asking for a chance to prepare the house for her, so me and my boyfriend hastily went to her house which took an hour and got the cat. she was hiding in my little brothers room who said 'mum is so sick of the cat but im actually gonna really miss her' when i got her into the crate he said 'wait wairt wait please dont go yet i just want to touch her one more time. i really want a cuddle i really like her' and it broke my heart. hes literally seven.
anyways i got downstairs, my foster parents came and picked me and my partner up after my mum got mad at me for not asking her for money for a taxi home (???) and then when they arrived my boyfriend took the cat outside.
*As soon as i was alone with my mum* she began to argue with me telling me i was wrong and i should be apologising to her. how i had no right to be angry and no right to say what i had said (i had told her she was being manipulative because she was and had told her she was acting with a victim complex because her response to being called out was 'fine. do what you want, nobody likes me anyway im always wrong i guess..') she said i had no right to say she had a victim complex and i should feel bad. she said 'i admit it was wrong of me to say i will send her to a shelter i never actually would and i hope you know that' but 1. she has sent pets to shelters before because shes angry and 2. did not actually say sorry in anyway.
i stood my ground (for the first time in a long time) and it just got louder and louder until my partner and foster parents literally came back into the house just because they could hear us yelling.
as soon as i left with my cat i broke down sobbing in the car home. i sobbed all the way down the road to the car too. it got so bad my boyfriend wouldnt let me leave last, he walked behind me so my mum couldnt get any final words in.
im so angry at my mum. she thinks i get off on calling her out but i just want her to be responsible. i want her to love me and not toy me around but most of all i want her to love my cat and respect that she is a living thing you cannot just throw away, give up on and use as a weapon. she is real she has feelings she deserved to feel loved and wanted. she does not ****ing deserve to be locked away in a room and treated as if she is not there, as if she isnt anything at all.
only god knows what i would give to feel as if my mum truly loved me, or the cat at all. or what i would give to not feel so much shame in admitting that my mum has ruined my life.
i moved out at 16, i became legally homeless to get away from her and yet nearly three years later i cannot seem to escape her. she continuously hurts me or things i love and its tearing me apart inside. oh to be an abused child thats now a resentful and hurt adult... what a life it is
i wish i didn't hate my mum.
(Context to this: i have a bad relationship with my mum, she abused me and excuses it on her mental illness, i moved out at 16, im now 18. soo... not a good start.. we got my cat when i was 14. she also has a history of being a bad pet owner)
i feel ashamed to dislike my mum, i feel guilt for how i feel. im a whole adult with a life and feelings and yet she can still toy me around.
she got into a fight with me today because she agreed to take care of my cat for a while and then whipped around and said i had to take her immediately and that if i didnt she would sent her to the RSPCA. i told her i needed time, i tried to be clear and calm but as per usual my mother spun me in circles and vilified me. ended up in such a bad texting arguement she called me, i put her on loud speaker. she 12 seconds in began yelling at me, i said 'please dont yell, i just want to talk about it' so she said 'right thats it im calling the shelter now' so me and my boyfriend were forced to rush to buy everything we needed and go get her from the otherside of the city.
she made up lies about my cat. said she was stealing the other cats food (for context the other cat is twice her size and abuses the hell out of her), we knew this was a lie because we recently visited and had to physically hold the bigger cat back so she could eat her food. ive witnessed him attack her countless times.
she told me that my cat was having toileting issues and this was the main reason. she said it was a long term issue and had been going on for some time, i said she shouldve told me as soon as that became an issue, not when she hit her limit. she shouldve told me right off the bat 'there are some problems beginning' and i wouldve done something
she also told us the bigger cat was afraid of her and wouldnt even go near her, when i got there they were asleep on the bed together. i even took a photo. they seemed totally happy. she said that my cat was attacking the other cat but that doesnt add up when for the past two years she has been constantly attacked by him to the point of once needing medical help. i tried to emphasise to her i needed time but she said 'fine shes being locked in a room then until you come get her'.
she spent an hour arguing with me because of me asking for a chance to prepare the house for her, so me and my boyfriend hastily went to her house which took an hour and got the cat. she was hiding in my little brothers room who said 'mum is so sick of the cat but im actually gonna really miss her' when i got her into the crate he said 'wait wairt wait please dont go yet i just want to touch her one more time. i really want a cuddle i really like her' and it broke my heart. hes literally seven.
anyways i got downstairs, my foster parents came and picked me and my partner up after my mum got mad at me for not asking her for money for a taxi home (???) and then when they arrived my boyfriend took the cat outside.
*As soon as i was alone with my mum* she began to argue with me telling me i was wrong and i should be apologising to her. how i had no right to be angry and no right to say what i had said (i had told her she was being manipulative because she was and had told her she was acting with a victim complex because her response to being called out was 'fine. do what you want, nobody likes me anyway im always wrong i guess..') she said i had no right to say she had a victim complex and i should feel bad. she said 'i admit it was wrong of me to say i will send her to a shelter i never actually would and i hope you know that' but 1. she has sent pets to shelters before because shes angry and 2. did not actually say sorry in anyway.
i stood my ground (for the first time in a long time) and it just got louder and louder until my partner and foster parents literally came back into the house just because they could hear us yelling.
as soon as i left with my cat i broke down sobbing in the car home. i sobbed all the way down the road to the car too. it got so bad my boyfriend wouldnt let me leave last, he walked behind me so my mum couldnt get any final words in.
im so angry at my mum. she thinks i get off on calling her out but i just want her to be responsible. i want her to love me and not toy me around but most of all i want her to love my cat and respect that she is a living thing you cannot just throw away, give up on and use as a weapon. she is real she has feelings she deserved to feel loved and wanted. she does not ****ing deserve to be locked away in a room and treated as if she is not there, as if she isnt anything at all.
only god knows what i would give to feel as if my mum truly loved me, or the cat at all. or what i would give to not feel so much shame in admitting that my mum has ruined my life.
i moved out at 16, i became legally homeless to get away from her and yet nearly three years later i cannot seem to escape her. she continuously hurts me or things i love and its tearing me apart inside. oh to be an abused child thats now a resentful and hurt adult... what a life it is
procrastinating
