What's Bothering You?

Been having a rough go the past few weeks as my gf's schedule has been all over the place and we really haven't been able to talk. I hate feeling so needy for attention like this, but dang if it isn't incredibly lonely... LDR are soooo hard.
Sometimes I wonder why I ever put myself through this, but I love her... I just wish we could be together. Everything would be easier... 😮‍💨
 
the saga continues. i paid out of pocket for a next-day power chord, and lo and behold the pc doesn't even switch on. the chord fits just fine, the outlet it's plugged into works just fine, yet i flip the switch and absolutely nothing happens! could it be the "wrong" chord? sure, maybe, but my research said any one should do, so who knows. i'm honestly so tired. this has been my first pc and the entire experience has been god damn awful. screw this company fr.
 
My ex who gaslit me when we were together, and treated me like I didn't exist after we split just finished her last day at the place we both used to work...and she's moving to another state. Which is all well and fine. Frankly, I'm glad. I'm relieved that I won't see her around. And I'm glad that she won't have any influence on the local community anymore. - BUT...it's super frustrating to see so many people showering her with love and saying how much they'll miss her "beautiful soul", when I know exactly who she is and how she treats people. She's just really good at making people love her, and I hate it. She uses people in the most disrespectful ways and refuses to take any accountability for it.

I don't want to be a bitter or spiteful person. But, I hate seeing mutual friends just gush over how much they'll miss her...when the truth is, she's a two-faced, fake, abusive liar. - And it annoys me even more that I quit that same job to get away from her abuse, and those same people barely said two words to me. There was no "we're really going to miss you" when she forced me out of my only income and left me recouping my mental state for over a year. Nope...I left, she stayed there. Was able to pull all the strings, convince my friends that I was the problem. So...they all love her and couldn't be bothered with me. Real nice. Gotta love it.

Anyway, rant over. Chapter closed.

But, I hate what she did. And I hate that so many people keep buying her act. It's hard.
 
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there's a fairly high likelihood we're going to be leaving tomorrow night or early Tuesday to help my grandmother take care of my grandfather while their house is being worked on, possibly returning that same night or possibly staying a day or two, and I'm really not handling this well. I've been so stressed and busy for so long and have been desperately wanting to take a break to just relax and recharge, and then we had my grandfather's crisis last week, and it feels like I can't escape from it. I just wanted a few weeks of peace before the next inevitable crisis. I knew I was being too hopeful in thinking it would be over for a little while, not that I've really been able to relax when I'm jumping every time the phone rings anyway. it really feels like I'm not allowed to plan ahead or look forward to anything.

my mind keeps going back to when my other grandmother had dementia, all the sudden emergencies when she was living by herself that uprooted everything we had going on, the constantly changing living situations because she couldn't care for herself but always came to hate whatever family member she was staying with after 2-3 weeks. her just intensely staring at me if I was in the same room with her, her trying to force her way into my room at 2 or 3 am at night because something in her mind was telling her she needed to be in here, or suddenly becoming confrontational and yelling because she heard voices that sounded like ours. how she stopped feeling like my grandmother and started feeling like a boogeyman, who would lurk in the corners of my nightmares, and the guilt that came with thinking about her that way.

I feel like I lost so much of my teenage years to her dementia and only recently started to really recover from it. the anxiety I had back then was always so intense and that's coming back too. I can't do this again. I just can't. and part of me feels like I'm being terribly callous and selfish for thinking this way. I feel like I should be able to put myself and my feelings aside for a family emergency like this but god I'm just not strong enough. I can't do this.
 
I feel like I've been stressed too much recently, and I can't really do much other than stay in my room, which has been causing me other problems so that doesn't help! I'd feel like I'm saying too much if I described exactly how bad it is, but I would really, really like to be able to walk around the house in peace, especially when I'm having a lot of problems that are made worse by stress.
 
I haven't posted here since early this month because I actually haven't had anything to be upset about, really, but now I think I'm sick.

Could be either the flu or COVID, but it's unbearable, and feels similar to when I was sick in the past. I've been in and out of sleep for hours now. If I let myself fall too into sleep it starts to feel like my entire body is stagnating, and if I'm awake my temperature keeps going up and down. Not sure how to handle this, but I've been drinking a lot of water and eating as well.

I thought it was just because I slept so much yesterday, but no, I think I'm definitely sick. Especially since one of my family members is as well. Probably going to have to stay home from martial arts this week and maybe take some time off work as well. 😞

EDIT: I knew I should have got my next COVID and flu shots already by now, but I put it off like a *******.
 
my house has a mouse problem and one made it upstairs into my room. i was peacefully watching a horror movie at 1 AM until i heard something behind my dresser and then i saw it. i couldn’t leave my room bc it moved near the door, i was literally screaming for help for 10 minutes but nobody could hear my cries for help until my screeches woke up my brother 😭

i don’t know how im going to get back into my room again because the door is tightly shut and unless the mouse can squeeze through the door crack, its trapped inside my room.
 
Sitting in the waiting room cause my mom has an appoinment and some lady is talking on her phone on speaker phone. It's annoying but I also started to get caught up in the story. She hung up and now Ill never know what happened to her uncle and his money
 
Beanz said:
i was peacefully watching a horror movie at 1 AM
Click to expand...
I'm very sorry to hear about what happened (my house has a similar problem so I def understand the fear), but this is just great, this is why I love my friends.



I was feeling okay for the most part, but now that I've eaten I feel kinda sick. also feeling a bit depressed, which is really annoying and unfortunate. I know it's depression because I basically have no interest in doing anything, I'm in this paralyzing state of perpetual understimulation but I have no interest in doing anything to satiate it. I dunno, I'm thinking this med might not be right for me.
 
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