My mum and my older sister argue a lot but they usually put it down to them being like each other. Maybe that's the case but I honestly don't see the connection. I'm often viewed as a child by both my mum and older sister (i'm 17) so I often get shouted at for trying to resolve arguements which annoys me to no end. Thing is my mum is wrong a lot of the time and usually the arguements involve my sister trying to tell her she's wrong but my mum doesn't listen at all. If it gets to the point where my mum is being blatantly mean and unfair to my sister I'll always step in. Though the response I get from my mum is almost always "don't but in, this is between us!" but I know for certain that my sister needs confirmation that she's not alone in her views. I could never hate or dislike my mum though, it's not her fault she gets like this sometimes. Half the time she's really cheerful. Plays music full blast hahaa but when things get out of hand I'll always defend the victim. So I guess it is essential to argue sometimes but consider both situations and think of the conclusion. If your parents don't listen when you argue maybe it's time to think of a different approach. Maybe you're going about it wrong? My mum often tries to solve things by shouting and that has only ever made things worse. Notice the things that cause your parents to get upset. Crossed arms, raised voice, standing over them, looking away, little alterations.
Arguing With Parents?
- Thread starter DarkOnyx
- Start date
MisterEnigma
Senior Member
There's a difference between childishly arguing with your parents to be a stubborn rebellious teenager so you can do whatever you want, even if it's disruptive, violent, or rude, and then having a mature, informed discussion with your parents that involves an exchange of information on differing viewpoints. I don't think you should "argue" with your parents, or anyone really. Arguing just comes off as emotionally heated, closed off, and ignorant, and that's from both sides of parents and kids.
TheGreatBrain
Senior Member
Exactly.I agree 100%.
^This^
My parents are wanting me to take Accounting and Economics next year, because they want me to become an Accountant (or something along the lines of Commerce/Finance). And because next year, they will start to record your results which will be passed on to University, plus, to build up the foundation.
Last year while choose options, I originally wanted to choose Japanese and Graphics. They didn't mind Graphics, but they made me give up Japanese to do Business. I argued back as to why I should do Japanese, and I mainly stated that it was fun and I want to learn a new language. But then I realised that my future job won't involve Japanese, like becoming a translator, for example. In the end, I took Business (this year, when Economics/Accounting/Enterprise Studies/Law was taught per term). To be honest, I don't hate Accounting, but I can say that I probably wouldn't've found it as fun as Japanese, but I am still getting very good marks in Accounting. Me and my mum would discuss about me becoming an Accountant, and last year I completely refused, but this year I realise that an Accounting job is fairly common, and that there is a good salary. One of my friends chose to do Food & Nutrition, but one of my mum's friends told her that their daughter chose to do Food & Nutrition as an option, but when she came out of Uni, she couldn't find a job. So what would be the point of actually learning a subject that you like, but with a few job applications available? So I'm quite thankful that my parents made me drop out Japanese and choose Accounting instead. And my neighbour is also an Accountant and is currently studying to become a Chartered Accountant.
I think it's okay. I don't think yelling or namecalling is okay (on the part of the child OR the parent- although if the child does it, it's a little more understandable because they're still growing, but super immature parents are a pet peeve of mine), but I believe that children and parents should be able to talk out their differences, rather than an "I'm the parent and you listen to me" kind of deal. The thing about that sort of one-way kind of communication is that it only even works some of the time, while some kids with bossy parents are obedient, others tend to reject that by being super rebellious. Personally, my Mom didn't boss me around and would try to have a civil conversation with me if we didn't see eye-to-eye on things, and we're pretty close now because of it and I never had a super rebellious phase because she didn't try to control me, just get us to see each others point of view.
nintendofan85
Good grief.
Yes, especially since the kids' voices need to be heard.
Blood Eclipse
𖤐 ♱ 𖤐
Hmmm... I think if you're 18 and still living with your parents, you owe them even more respect because they no longer have any legal obligations to take care of you. No one does by then. 
Anywhere you go, you owe the person taking you under their wing respect.
If you can take care of yourself by then, and are having major problems with your parents because not all of them are perfect, then the best solution would be to find a way to move out.
In life you can't bite the hand that feeds you. The reality is you have to put up with stuff if you rely on the person. Work, rent, parents, room mates...there's a line you can't cross, even if you're right about what you're arguing.
I've hardly argued with mines and I try to avoid any arguments when I can because I know they already have enough stress from working hard to raise us.
But I also know life isn't a picture perfect fairytale for everyone. Abusive parents exist, just like abusive managers exist, abusive coworkers, abusive roommates...you have to find a way to be independent and try not to rely on them. If you're under the age of 18 and have parents who abuse of you then seek help.
I also know it's easier said than done, so I'm not going to pretend like I have a deep understanding or grip of all situations.
Just analyze your situation and try to think as reasonably about it as possible.
Anywhere you go, you owe the person taking you under their wing respect. If you can take care of yourself by then, and are having major problems with your parents because not all of them are perfect, then the best solution would be to find a way to move out.
In life you can't bite the hand that feeds you. The reality is you have to put up with stuff if you rely on the person. Work, rent, parents, room mates...there's a line you can't cross, even if you're right about what you're arguing.
I've hardly argued with mines and I try to avoid any arguments when I can because I know they already have enough stress from working hard to raise us.
But I also know life isn't a picture perfect fairytale for everyone. Abusive parents exist, just like abusive managers exist, abusive coworkers, abusive roommates...you have to find a way to be independent and try not to rely on them. If you're under the age of 18 and have parents who abuse of you then seek help.
I also know it's easier said than done, so I'm not going to pretend like I have a deep understanding or grip of all situations.
Just analyze your situation and try to think as reasonably about it as possible.
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ali.di.magix
🌟💫🌟💫
I beg to differ. Even if you're over 18 and still living with your parents, that doesn't mean you have to obey them like a god. Your parents should (theoretically or ideally) respect you and your opinions more since you're old enough to form your own opinions rather than treat you like a child with complete control over you.Hmmm... I think if you're 18 and still living with your parents, you owe them even more respect because they no longer have any legal obligations to take care of you. No one does by then.
If you can take care of yourself by then, and are having major problems with your parents because not all of them are perfect, then the best solution would be to find a way to move out.
In life you can't bite the hand that feeds you. The reality is you have to put up with stuff if you rely on the person. Work, rent, parents, room mates...there's a line you can't cross, even if you're right about what you're arguing.
I know that's easier said than done, as I'm 21 and my dad is still trying to come to terms after 3 years that I'm no longer a child lmao. My parents often don't take my opinions seriously either, so I just try to keep out of their business as it's got nothing to do with me. But if conflict arises where I'm involved and something wrong is said about me or my actions, I won't hesitate to speak up.
Also, while they don't have legal obligations to take care of you, if you're still under their roof then they ought to support you. It may not be their duty anymore, but surely if you're still under their roof they'd still have some moral obligations to partially take care of you (theoretically of course, I realise this isn't always the case).
Arguing doesn't mean you're disrespecting someone. As long as you're not stooping to low levels of insults, violence etc., you should have every reason to speak up for yourself in a respectful, well thought out manner, child or adult.
If I know I'm right of course I'll argue with them. I respect them as my parents but I don't like staying quiet whenever something isn't right. I argue with them, say my opinions and most of the time I end up in a better situation than before.
RedTropicalPeachyFish
GMT+9
When I saw the title, "with parents", I automatically knew where the topic is standing on is from people who are in "children"'s position.
However. If it's okay or not depends on frequency, I guess. If it's at times, yeah you couldn't avoid it perfectly, 'cause we're human not robot. There'd be times that happens. But if it's like all the time, then I guess where the reason is is, it should be because lack of respect - from either or both sides.
It's not just with parents. When you're a little lacking respect to the person (or vice versa) and would just insist your opinion, things couldn't work out. And, when it's about with parents, regardless of your age, you should know they have their own dream/life/desire, their lives are there not for you but for themselves. And same goes to parents too. Their kids' life are not theirs. They should know their kids are completely different, individual. Not their property.
When either/both of sides are not getting these things well, wouldn't it come to the situation like arguments?
p.s.
Also whaaaat a silly selection of pole choices!
No, they don't have any obligations morally or anything, imo. I have no idea where this idea is coming from, seriously..
Although some people may say human are different from other mammals.. when you think about how it is in nature, I think it'd be easier to see, maybe? When the mother animal take care of her children, it's until they're grown to be the age of adult. After that, they're supposed to live their own - even if the final outcome is where those grown up children die when they fail to do stuff to make them stay alive.
When someone takes care of you, it's essentially from love/caring/affection. They have no any "obligation" and they have their own life/purpose/what they want for their own lives. Yet, they do it for you, because they care. Then, shouldn't you give them back with respect, like it's said in the other post?
However. If it's okay or not depends on frequency, I guess. If it's at times, yeah you couldn't avoid it perfectly, 'cause we're human not robot. There'd be times that happens. But if it's like all the time, then I guess where the reason is is, it should be because lack of respect - from either or both sides.
It's not just with parents. When you're a little lacking respect to the person (or vice versa) and would just insist your opinion, things couldn't work out. And, when it's about with parents, regardless of your age, you should know they have their own dream/life/desire, their lives are there not for you but for themselves. And same goes to parents too. Their kids' life are not theirs. They should know their kids are completely different, individual. Not their property.
When either/both of sides are not getting these things well, wouldn't it come to the situation like arguments?
p.s.
Also whaaaat a silly selection of pole choices!
What a.....
No, they don't have any obligations morally or anything, imo. I have no idea where this idea is coming from, seriously..
Although some people may say human are different from other mammals.. when you think about how it is in nature, I think it'd be easier to see, maybe? When the mother animal take care of her children, it's until they're grown to be the age of adult. After that, they're supposed to live their own - even if the final outcome is where those grown up children die when they fail to do stuff to make them stay alive.
When someone takes care of you, it's essentially from love/caring/affection. They have no any "obligation" and they have their own life/purpose/what they want for their own lives. Yet, they do it for you, because they care. Then, shouldn't you give them back with respect, like it's said in the other post?
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Parents are, underneath it all, regular people. They are not the be-all-end-all, and I think that children AND parents forget that. I don't think arguing is really how I would call it, 'arguing' has a negative connotation. I do think it's healthy to discuss things you disagree on. Arguing over bed time and house rules, it just really isn't necessary.. but parents usually gives rules to think of their children's protection and well being. If you think one of your parent's rules isn't beneficial to you or harming your state of mind, I think it should definitely be brought up.
On the other hand, if a parent has an issue with anything that is.. just anything related to personal opinion *, i dont think it should be argued about. ( like.. you cant ___, because I don't like ___)
On the other hand, if a parent has an issue with anything that is.. just anything related to personal opinion *, i dont think it should be argued about. ( like.. you cant ___, because I don't like ___)
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cornimer
grab acorns 'til you're delirious
Yes absolutely. For sure there are times when children should just listen to their parents (especially when they are younger) but my whole youth was basically my mom saying I was "arguing" when I expressed a different opinion than her or tried to stick up for myself when she made an unreasonable rule (and trust me, they were unreasonable). I lost some battles but I probably would have lost more and had zero freedom if I always just went with what she said!
Rusolando-Kun
♥Tsuyoku Naritai!!♥
Sadly, some people get children just to mentally or physically abuse them, and mental abuse isn't any better or worse than physical - they're both awful. As someone who had a "father" who was constantly using me and neglecting his father's duties, who gave me a ton of issues... and as someone who had a "mother" who would do nothing but try to isolate me from others and make me as crazy as she is just because she needed an excuse for not doing anything in her life - I know well enough how mental abuse can be worse than physical.
Though, as a child it's difficult to understand whether or not you are right.
All I can say is that arguing won't change much and you just need to go away from people that are hurting you.
Though, as a child it's difficult to understand whether or not you are right.
All I can say is that arguing won't change much and you just need to go away from people that are hurting you.
Wow that second option. "No,shut up children!" I know this thread is old but...
Anyways, yes children should listen to their parents. Most of the time they know best and it is their duty to teach their children. However, it's a different thing if parents try force their interests/beliefs on their children and try to turn them into something they're not. Parents should help them grow but shouldn't treat their children's life as their own, even if they brought them to this world. Then there are those parents who are just despicable. My brother's friend is engaged and has a kid now. I don't know the man very well but I was told his mom is a huge alcoholic and got mad he had kidney surgery, so now she is suing him and trying to get custody of his own child. What kind of a parent DOES that???
Anyways, yes children should listen to their parents. Most of the time they know best and it is their duty to teach their children. However, it's a different thing if parents try force their interests/beliefs on their children and try to turn them into something they're not. Parents should help them grow but shouldn't treat their children's life as their own, even if they brought them to this world. Then there are those parents who are just despicable. My brother's friend is engaged and has a kid now. I don't know the man very well but I was told his mom is a huge alcoholic and got mad he had kidney surgery, so now she is suing him and trying to get custody of his own child. What kind of a parent DOES that???
i think whether or not you and your parents agree on something, what's most important is respect. not just respect for authority/your elders, but basic, mutual human respect.
arguing is fine, if kept as a calm debate. but it should never get out of hand (name-calling, insults, shouting, violence, etc). the moment it does, it doesn't matter who did it, it's not okay.
that's usually the problem with arguments. it starts out reasonable, then someone gets tired of the conversation going nowhere and starts attacking others (whether verbally or physically). straying away from the topic of the discussion and making things more personal (insulting specifics about the person that have little/nothing to do with the topic) is a common mistake people make, but it's the one reason why some arguments end horribly.
so yes, arguing is fine, but for either party, it's NOT okay to take the arguing too far
arguing is fine, if kept as a calm debate. but it should never get out of hand (name-calling, insults, shouting, violence, etc). the moment it does, it doesn't matter who did it, it's not okay.
that's usually the problem with arguments. it starts out reasonable, then someone gets tired of the conversation going nowhere and starts attacking others (whether verbally or physically). straying away from the topic of the discussion and making things more personal (insulting specifics about the person that have little/nothing to do with the topic) is a common mistake people make, but it's the one reason why some arguments end horribly.
so yes, arguing is fine, but for either party, it's NOT okay to take the arguing too far
ali.di.magix
🌟💫🌟💫
Except we're not animals. I just think the whole "you're over 18, you're an adult who can look after yourself" rhetoric is really silly. It's literally an arbritary number made up by the law that dictates that once you turn a certain age you're suddenly supposed to be on your own. But say if your child is over 18 and struggling, would you still not support them just because the law says so? That's where morality comes in; this child is still related to you and is family, so thus (ideally) wouldn't you look after the ones you love because it's the right thing to do? Perhaps obligation was too stronger word choice, but hopefully that clarifies my point somewhat, I'm bad at explaining ^^" And yes, I realise that not all parents will be like this either, there will always be the abusive or neglecting type of parents too unfortunately.
RedTropicalPeachyFish
GMT+9
"this child is still related to you and is family, so thus (ideally) wouldn't you look after the ones you love"
Uhmmm... The "wouldn't you look after the ones you love" should have nothing to do with "because parent".
When you cared about someone, you would try to do something for them if they're in hard situation. Friends, siblings, bf/gf, or parent & child whatever the relationship is - and it should be done and going mutually, unless you're a toddler. There, why is it "you're supposed to look after me because you're my parent" and not "I'm supposed to look after you because you're my parent"? Despite you at age of adult - at least never the age to be called kid?
The number that clarifies the age of adult - 18 or 20 or etc. depending on your region - is just one indication made by law, for the sake of public convenience. It doesn't have to be exactly that age, but there has to be a line somewhere. When you're older enough, you need to take care of yourself on your own, even if it doesn't go very well. Your life is yours, regardless of the outcome good and bad. Yet, believing there someone ought to help/support/look after you even though you're adult "because moral/obligation/etc." just because "I'm your child" sounds kinda imprudent or inexperienced in my ears.
"wouldn't you look after the ones you love because it's the right thing to do"?
Actually, I don't believe it right thing at all if it's the case that involves "parent" and "child" who's not a toddler anymore. Yes, the child will suffer, they'd struggle with their issue or situation. Okay, just let them do. That's what I believe right. Through struggling, trying, failing and getting hurt again and again, they learn (if they wish and try though). They get to be stronger, smarter - better. Without trying and going through on their own responsibility, they won't be able to grow up. And I guess? that's why so many adult-children now a days?
The "look after" is not your natural right, just because "I'm your child". That's where the "respect" comes in, the respect to those who yet look after you.
Right and responsibility are the set. You can't just claim the right only.
2kimi2furious
Sleepy Bear
I don't like the term "arguing". It has a negative connotation. In my mind, when I picture arguing, I picture people yelling at each other and not listening to one another. That is not okay in any type of relationship.
That is not to say you shouldn't be able to disagree with them. Disagreeing with people is natural and bound to happen. I don't think you should argue and fight about disagreements. You should have a discussion as calmly as possible. This is the only way to make any sort of progress with the issue at hand. It is how my husband and I handle disagreements. In 3 years of marriage and 5 years together total, we've never once argued or fought, although we have had a number of disagreements. It's why we don't hate each other and a lot of our friends who are married do.
That being said, you kind of have to mutually agree to not argue. The other person has to totally be on board, and if they're not, it's definitely going to turn into an argument. My parents and I were like this when I was growing up (which is part of the reason I vowed never to argue with my spouse and whatever future children we had). It made me feel like my opinion was worth nothing and that I was not trusted enough to make my own decisions. I can sort of see where my mother was coming from, because she's a very anxious person, especially about her kids, but that made her very controlling and she was not open to discussion. It was always her raising her voice, saying her way was best, end of discussion, she's not going to consider anything else. I love my mother dearly, and I know she was trying to do her best and that her mom also did the same to her and messed her up quite a bit, but it still hurt.
Instead of arguing back, I just sort of... shut down. To this day, I do this when people raise their voice at me. It makes me feel totally worthless as a person. My mom set a bad precedent and I am trying to overcome it to this day. When people want to argue with me, I have to take a step back and calm down and say that if they're not going to treat me like I'm a person worthy of respect, then I'm not going to engage with them. But I'm also not going to let them control what I do because I'm not engaging. I'm just going to blow them off and do my own thing.
Now you can't exactly do that with your parents. In my experience, most parents aren't going to listen to their children, especially if their children are acting like they know better than them. There is something to the whole "with age comes wisdom thing" and what might not make sense to you as a child will make sense to you when you are older and you will realize your parents were right or were at least coming from a place of good intentions, regardless of if they were arguing with you or treating you reasonably.
What I would suggest is to try and be the bigger person if your parent tries to argue with you a lot. Instead of arguing back, stop and think about the situation. Are you trying to do something or saying something that would make a parent worry and react negatively, or are they for sure being unreasonable? If it's the former, just accept that they're imperfect humans and are just acting out of anxiety and worry for their child. It would be nice if they could explain "hey, if you do this thing, I will worry about you these are the reasons I don't want you to do it," but you can't control their actions. It sucks, but some things in life suck. I wish I could give you a better solution, but there really isn't one. You just have to try and not get mad about it and move on.
But if they are unreasonable, you don't have to listen to them. I'll use an example (although a somewhat extreme one) from my own experience. I grew up in a very homophobic household, but I never thought gay people were bad or going to hell. My parents used to flip out when I hung out with my gay friends or would express the opinion that there's nothing wrong with being gay. However, when I turned 18, I moved out the house, and now I can do whatever I want. I can put rainbow flags all over my house if I want, I can invite people over for a big gay party, whatever. Just because they were my parents and argued with me, doesn't mean they got to control what I thought. I just had to put up with them being crappy for a few years and now I can do what I want. And when I raise my future children, I'll be able to treat them the opposite of the way I was raised.
So basically, no, it's not great to argue with your parents, or anyone. But you CAN have civil discussions and disagreements. And if your parents won't listen... you just gotta wait it out. Not very exciting or satisfying in the moment, but probably better in the long run.
Source for this: I am an old person and I am very wise, lol.
That is not to say you shouldn't be able to disagree with them. Disagreeing with people is natural and bound to happen. I don't think you should argue and fight about disagreements. You should have a discussion as calmly as possible. This is the only way to make any sort of progress with the issue at hand. It is how my husband and I handle disagreements. In 3 years of marriage and 5 years together total, we've never once argued or fought, although we have had a number of disagreements. It's why we don't hate each other and a lot of our friends who are married do.
That being said, you kind of have to mutually agree to not argue. The other person has to totally be on board, and if they're not, it's definitely going to turn into an argument. My parents and I were like this when I was growing up (which is part of the reason I vowed never to argue with my spouse and whatever future children we had). It made me feel like my opinion was worth nothing and that I was not trusted enough to make my own decisions. I can sort of see where my mother was coming from, because she's a very anxious person, especially about her kids, but that made her very controlling and she was not open to discussion. It was always her raising her voice, saying her way was best, end of discussion, she's not going to consider anything else. I love my mother dearly, and I know she was trying to do her best and that her mom also did the same to her and messed her up quite a bit, but it still hurt.
Instead of arguing back, I just sort of... shut down. To this day, I do this when people raise their voice at me. It makes me feel totally worthless as a person. My mom set a bad precedent and I am trying to overcome it to this day. When people want to argue with me, I have to take a step back and calm down and say that if they're not going to treat me like I'm a person worthy of respect, then I'm not going to engage with them. But I'm also not going to let them control what I do because I'm not engaging. I'm just going to blow them off and do my own thing.
Now you can't exactly do that with your parents. In my experience, most parents aren't going to listen to their children, especially if their children are acting like they know better than them. There is something to the whole "with age comes wisdom thing" and what might not make sense to you as a child will make sense to you when you are older and you will realize your parents were right or were at least coming from a place of good intentions, regardless of if they were arguing with you or treating you reasonably.
What I would suggest is to try and be the bigger person if your parent tries to argue with you a lot. Instead of arguing back, stop and think about the situation. Are you trying to do something or saying something that would make a parent worry and react negatively, or are they for sure being unreasonable? If it's the former, just accept that they're imperfect humans and are just acting out of anxiety and worry for their child. It would be nice if they could explain "hey, if you do this thing, I will worry about you these are the reasons I don't want you to do it," but you can't control their actions. It sucks, but some things in life suck. I wish I could give you a better solution, but there really isn't one. You just have to try and not get mad about it and move on.
But if they are unreasonable, you don't have to listen to them. I'll use an example (although a somewhat extreme one) from my own experience. I grew up in a very homophobic household, but I never thought gay people were bad or going to hell. My parents used to flip out when I hung out with my gay friends or would express the opinion that there's nothing wrong with being gay. However, when I turned 18, I moved out the house, and now I can do whatever I want. I can put rainbow flags all over my house if I want, I can invite people over for a big gay party, whatever. Just because they were my parents and argued with me, doesn't mean they got to control what I thought. I just had to put up with them being crappy for a few years and now I can do what I want. And when I raise my future children, I'll be able to treat them the opposite of the way I was raised.
So basically, no, it's not great to argue with your parents, or anyone. But you CAN have civil discussions and disagreements. And if your parents won't listen... you just gotta wait it out. Not very exciting or satisfying in the moment, but probably better in the long run.
Source for this: I am an old person and I am very wise, lol.
I also don't like the term arguing, but I do think children have the right to disagree with their parents. My mom was always willing to listen to me and my brother. She would let us explain our point of view and then, if she still didn't agree, give us her reasons for saying no. We had and still have a far better relationship with her than with my dad who would just say "because I told you so."
It's understandable that parents aren't perfect and sometimes, in the moment, they don't have time to sit down and explain things. That's when children need to accept things, at least for the moment, and then try to talk about it again later when the parent isn't in a rush or stressed or whatever. You're far more likely to get what you want if you approach things calmly and reasonably at a time when your parents are more open to discussion.
It's understandable that parents aren't perfect and sometimes, in the moment, they don't have time to sit down and explain things. That's when children need to accept things, at least for the moment, and then try to talk about it again later when the parent isn't in a rush or stressed or whatever. You're far more likely to get what you want if you approach things calmly and reasonably at a time when your parents are more open to discussion.
