Xara
❄️🐇 | semi-hiatus
i can’t remember the last time that seeing or spending time with my family, including my parents who i still live with, left me feeling good mentally afterwards. i wouldn’t say that any of the get-togethers i’ve been to were necessarily bad by any means, but they were incredibly nerve-racking, and i always leave feeling left out and like i don’t belong. my family and i rarely speak to or see each other outside of these occasional gatherings, and i haven’t been close to any of them in years as a result, so family get-togethers don’t feel like what the name implies them to be — instead, they feel more like i’m sitting awkwardly in a room full of strangers who always ask me the same small talk questions (how old are you now? do you have a boyfriend?) for 2-5 hours.
this is especially prominent with my mom’s side of the family, who only really interacted with my parents and i for my grandmother. everyone seemed to adore her. they would call and visit her fairly often, invite her to come visit them, buy her presents for her birthday, christmas, etc and come drop them off, etc, which meant that they would occasionally have to see and talk to my parents and i as well. for years now, its felt like my mother’s side of the family loses interest in people once they’re no longer a kid, or until they’re old enough to drink and smoke and/or have kids of their own — or maybe that’s just reserved for me.
my grandmother passed away in september, and my mother is now estranged from all 3 of her siblings, which means we’re pretty much estranged from her entire side of the family now. the only two family members my mom’s still in contact with (and who i actually like) are her niece (her sister’s daughter) and her cousin. i barely see or talk to them, but they’ve both always been very sweet to me, even as i’ve gotten older, and her niece even calls me by my preferred name instead of my birth one. :’)
also, to further drive my point about not being close with my extended family — none of them, aside from my mother’s niece, know that i no longer go by my birth name. they also don’t know about my sexuality. i haven’t told them mostly because i don’t interact with them enough (or even at all) for it to matter, but also because i don’t know them well enough to know how they’d take it, and that worries me.
the situation with my dad’s side of the family is a bit better, though. i barely ever see or talk to them, either, nor do they know about my name change or sexuality, but i’m definitely somewhat closer to them than i am my mom’s side of the family. my grandfather likes to plan at least one family get-together every year, and it’s usually at this specific italian restaurant in december for christmas. everyone shows up to it sporadically, and it mostly consists of everyone branching off into cliques while enjoying free food and alcohol and ignoring everyone else until it’s time to leave, but they’re enjoyable. my favourite part about them is definitely the restaurant’s shirley temples (they’re so good.
). we haven’t been able to do this for the last 2-3 years, though, due to the pandemic. my grandfather also happens to be the extended family member i’m closest to. he hardly ever spells my birth name right, and we only really talk on special occasions and at the family get-togethers, but he knows when my birthday is and sends me money for it (and christmas) every year, he bought me my very first phone and even pays the bill (though this’ll be changing soon), he offers to pay for extracurricular activities and hobbies (ex. piano lessons and a gym membership), and he actually acknowledges and cares that i exist. we’re certainly not tight-knit, and eventually telling him about my name change will be awkward as hell, but he tries more than any of my other extended family members do, and that counts for something. his sister is also one of the sweetest people on the planet. i only ever see her at the christmas get-togethers, but she’s always been so wonderful to me, and deserves nothing but the best. <33
tldr; family get-togethers can be fun, especially since i usually get free food (and occasionally money) out of them, but for the most part they’re uncomfortable for me. my family has never really felt like family to me — hell, they don’t even feel like acquaintances most of the time. plus, the fact that i now go by a different name, am extremely socially anxious, and am practically estranged from one side of the family doesn’t make for the most comfortable time lol.
this is especially prominent with my mom’s side of the family, who only really interacted with my parents and i for my grandmother. everyone seemed to adore her. they would call and visit her fairly often, invite her to come visit them, buy her presents for her birthday, christmas, etc and come drop them off, etc, which meant that they would occasionally have to see and talk to my parents and i as well. for years now, its felt like my mother’s side of the family loses interest in people once they’re no longer a kid, or until they’re old enough to drink and smoke and/or have kids of their own — or maybe that’s just reserved for me.
my grandmother passed away in september, and my mother is now estranged from all 3 of her siblings, which means we’re pretty much estranged from her entire side of the family now. the only two family members my mom’s still in contact with (and who i actually like) are her niece (her sister’s daughter) and her cousin. i barely see or talk to them, but they’ve both always been very sweet to me, even as i’ve gotten older, and her niece even calls me by my preferred name instead of my birth one. :’)also, to further drive my point about not being close with my extended family — none of them, aside from my mother’s niece, know that i no longer go by my birth name. they also don’t know about my sexuality. i haven’t told them mostly because i don’t interact with them enough (or even at all) for it to matter, but also because i don’t know them well enough to know how they’d take it, and that worries me.
the situation with my dad’s side of the family is a bit better, though. i barely ever see or talk to them, either, nor do they know about my name change or sexuality, but i’m definitely somewhat closer to them than i am my mom’s side of the family. my grandfather likes to plan at least one family get-together every year, and it’s usually at this specific italian restaurant in december for christmas. everyone shows up to it sporadically, and it mostly consists of everyone branching off into cliques while enjoying free food and alcohol and ignoring everyone else until it’s time to leave, but they’re enjoyable. my favourite part about them is definitely the restaurant’s shirley temples (they’re so good.
). we haven’t been able to do this for the last 2-3 years, though, due to the pandemic. my grandfather also happens to be the extended family member i’m closest to. he hardly ever spells my birth name right, and we only really talk on special occasions and at the family get-togethers, but he knows when my birthday is and sends me money for it (and christmas) every year, he bought me my very first phone and even pays the bill (though this’ll be changing soon), he offers to pay for extracurricular activities and hobbies (ex. piano lessons and a gym membership), and he actually acknowledges and cares that i exist. we’re certainly not tight-knit, and eventually telling him about my name change will be awkward as hell, but he tries more than any of my other extended family members do, and that counts for something. his sister is also one of the sweetest people on the planet. i only ever see her at the christmas get-togethers, but she’s always been so wonderful to me, and deserves nothing but the best. <33tldr; family get-togethers can be fun, especially since i usually get free food (and occasionally money) out of them, but for the most part they’re uncomfortable for me. my family has never really felt like family to me — hell, they don’t even feel like acquaintances most of the time. plus, the fact that i now go by a different name, am extremely socially anxious, and am practically estranged from one side of the family doesn’t make for the most comfortable time lol.
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