Long-Distance Relationship/Breakup Advice

[your local goomy]

Hey all,
The last few days have been pretty rough for me. I'm not gonna go into too much detail due to fear of violating TBT's rules, I hope this is allowed on TBT in general, but I'll just say that a certain side effect of the medications I currently take began to flare up after a read a distressing email from my school, and unfortunately, the person who received the blunt force of it was my long-distance boyfriend, mainly through phone calls and Discord. After the usual back-and-forth, I went offline for a few minutes to take a breather and reflect on what had happened, and when I came back to apologize to him, I saw that he'd deleted me on Discord. Trying to add him back to explain myself, I saw that he has his profile set so friend requests can't be sent to him, which, to be fair, he'd had set for a while. Thus, I tried calling and texting him, but unfortunately, all signs are pointing to him blocking my number. Either that, or he's had his phone switched off for two days. I highly doubt the second one. It just seems like he's had enough.

I'm distressed. All I want to do is apologize to him and explain what happened, but currently, I can't because of the situation. He lives in Illinois and I live in Pennsylvania, so it's not like I can just go to his house or anything. I tried messaging him on skype, but unfortunately he's barely active there. Discord and skype are our only mutual social media, so I'm running out of ideas. My only real option left is to write him a letter. Now, he's never really given me his address, but a while back, while he was hospitialized and I wanted to check up on him, I managed to find it in a phone book, so...it's technically public information? But still, I don't want to write to him and have him get disturbed and file some kind of legal action against me. I know this is extreme, but it's the anxiety speaking. I just want closure. I'll accept him not wanting to be with me due to my various conditions, but I seriously just want to let him know that I'm okay and see if he's okay. I just don't want to creep him out.

As for myself, like I said, I'm distressed. I'm sorry to be posting this in an Animal Crossing forum of all things, but TBT is really my only outlet as all of my friends are from school and thus living in other states, and my family didn't like/didn't know about my BF, so they could care less. I'm sorry if this sounds like stereotypical teenage girl drama, but I just miss him and want to let him know what's really going on. I've been trying to focus on self-care to get healthier and cheer myself up (which is mostly just listening to a single song on repeat for like 6 hours...) but it's still a long road ahead. Could any of you guys offer advice on how I could clarify things and/or help myself? Even if you weren't really ever in a long-distance relationship yourself, do you think I should write him? Ya girl's just really desperate here.

 

[Croconaw]

I definitely advise against writing him a letter, especially if he’s never given you his address. The fact that you have it may scare him, and those public phone books aren’t always accurate anyhow.

He might need some time alone. I’d give him a few days to cool down. There is a chance he could add you and reach out to you, but understand that worrying about it isn’t going to help. I’d personally wait and see how things play out.

Are there things you enjoy doing to clear your mind? Having a negative mindset about the situation isn’t healthy. I would take a minute and think about the things that make you happy. I find that listening to stress-relief and calming sounds helps to empty your mind.

Spoiler: my LDR experience

I have been in long distance relationships. Almost all of them have been toxic and didn’t last very long. My first one had the biggest affect on me. She was so much older than me and she was treating me more like her child than her partner. I cringe at the thought that this relationship even happened, and I regret it to the point where I don’t even talk about it. I was seeking validation from everyone else when I was younger due to being bullied. I won’t go into too much detail, but it was abusive. She yelled at me for not having a chance to tell her good morning before going to school, but she would always tell me that school is important. She even yelled at me when I told her that I didn’t want to go to college. She said I would ruin my life. It was a terrible experience.

 

[Violet Witch]

I’m not great with relationship advice but I understand where your coming from in regards to it being an online relationship. I’ve had plenty of arguments with online friends and when it ends up with you being ghosted it can be incredibly frustrating. Like you said you can’t go round to his house to talk it out which in turn adds to your anxiety over the situation.

Sadly there’s also not a lot you can do because of that limited contact outside of the internet. Rather than wait around hoping he’ll come back online so you can talk I highly recommend talking to friends and family about what’s going on so you can get some of what your internalising out of your system. Otherwise if you don’t it’ll just fester away and make you feel even crappier in the long run.

Also get offline for a while and occupy yourself with something else. Whether that’s delving into a good book, binge watching a TV series or just getting out in the fresh air. It might give you some clarity over the situation as well as boost your overall mental health and well-being. I don’t think writing to him will help considering he didn’t give you his address. It could make him feel uncomfortable leading him to never speaking to you again.

 

[your local goomy]

I definitely advise against writing him a letter, especially if he’s never given you his address. The fact that you have it may scare him, and those public phone books aren’t always accurate anyhow.

He might need some time alone. I’d give him a few days to cool down. There is a chance he could add you and reach out to you, but understand that worrying about it isn’t going to help. I’d personally wait and see how things play out.

Are there things you enjoy doing to clear your mind? Having a negative mindset about the situation isn’t healthy. I would take a minute and think about the things that make you happy. I find that listening to stress-relief and calming sounds helps to empty your mind.

Spoiler: my LDR experience

I have been in long distance relationships. Almost all of them have been toxic and didn’t last very long. My first one had the biggest affect on me. She was so much older than me and she was treating me more like her child than her partner. I cringe at the thought that this relationship even happened, and I regret it to the point where I don’t even talk about it. I was seeking validation from everyone else when I was younger due to being bullied. I won’t go into too much detail, but it was abusive. She yelled at me for not having a chance to tell her good morning before going to school, but she would always tell me that school is important. She even yelled at me when I told her that I didn’t want to go to college. She said I would ruin my life. It was a terrible experience.

Great, thanks for the advice. Most of my friends were telling me that writing was a bad idea, and now as I'm looking over the consequences, I've decided against it. Like people are saying, I'm just going to give him a few days. I understand that he's probably just mad and doesn't want me blowing up his phone, but I always worry that something more drastic happened.

I also do admit that I need to try to take care of myself even more because both yesterday and today I was so worried and upset that I made myself physically sick on several occasions. Even if I don't write a letter to him, something I've done in situations with other people is to write a theoretical letter, but just not send it to them. I might try this to get it all off my chest.

 

[Croconaw]

Great, thanks for the advice. Most of my friends were telling me that writing was a bad idea, and now as I'm looking over the consequences, I've decided against it. Like people are saying, I'm just going to give him a few days. I understand that he's probably just mad and doesn't want me blowing up his phone, but I always worry that something more drastic happened.

I also do admit that I need to try to take care of myself even more because both yesterday and today I was so worried and upset that I made myself physically sick on several occasions. Even if I don't write a letter to him, something I've done in situations with other people is to write a theoretical letter, but just not send it to them. I might try this to get it all off my chest.

If I could say one last thing… Please try not to rely on anyone other than yourself for happiness. If your happiness is dependent on someone else, you will never be happy. (You meaning people in general, not necessarily you)

Seeking validation from others is never a good thing, but I know we all do it. Heck, I even do it to some extent, but it’s not healthy at all. If we can all find happiness within ourselves, the world would be a much happier place. You can still be in a relationship, but your partner should never be the sole reason for your happiness. You still need to put yourself first.

 

[-Lumi-]

Hey Goomy, I'm sorry you're going through a tough time right now. While I've never experienced a LDR breakup I have had long distance friendships that have ended in rough ways. I know the two experiences aren't the same but they do mirror each other in some ways so I wanted to chime in here.

I want to echo the comments above saying do not send him a letter. I know it's tempting because that's the only way you can think to reach out to him right now, but it's not a good idea. He hasn't given you his address so that would more likely than not freak him out (I know it would freak me out) and doing so wouldn't be respecting his boundaries, which you need to do right now.

I know you want to apologize but sometimes we want to apologize not for the other person but for ourselves. Reading your above post it sounds a lot like you want to apologize to him to make yourself feel better - which I understand! But apologies are supposed to be about making the other person feel better and right now, reaching out to him when he's made it clear that isn't something he wants, won't make him feel better. I know that you have a reason/explanation for what happened and that you want to share that with him but it sounds like he isn't ready to hear it, so trying to force it on him will probably lead to it not being well received.

I think the best thing to do is to take time off. You can write a letter but not send it, just to get the thoughts out into the world and then delete it/destroy it. Sometimes venting our feelings can help. But then the best thing you can do is respect his space. If he never comes around that's okay. It's his choice and it's important to remember that. I know it's hard because you have an explanation for what happened but even with that in mind, it's still okay for people to walk away.

I had a long distance friend who blew up at me when I told them I was gay because he had it in his head that we were in love and that I was choosing to be gay to hurt him. It was really upsetting and he sent me really hurtful things. I ended up blocking him on discord but he ended up sending me an email (I forgot he had it) explaining the situation. It bothered me that he felt like his need for giving me an explanation trumped my own personal comfort. Was his explanation understandable? Sure. But that didn't make what happened okay and it didn't mean I had to forgive him. Especially when he stepped over boundaries to try and explain things - it made it worse. If he hadn't of emailed me I honestly don't know if I would've reached out to him regardless - sometimes people say really hurtful things, and even if they don't mean to say it/fully mean what they've said, the damage is already done. And while that sucks, we just have to accept it sometimes. Some relationships, some friendships, aren't meant to last forever.

You've done everything you can/should do, though. If he chooses to unblock you then you can talk to him but don't try to find a work around and message him before he's ready. In the mean time you can vent to diaries/journals or channel the energy elsewhere! Try to focus on hobbies that have you actually doing something vs just laying in bed listening to music because I find that can result in (at least for me) thoughts to just stew in your head. Reading a book or playing a game can be good ones but I find that baking, cooking, sewing, are better for me when my mind is really busy because those hobbies need all my attention and it's harder for my mind to wander while I'm baking cookies than while I'm reading.

I hope everything works out, though.

 

[tiffanistarr]

aww Goomy! I’m sorry you’re going through this! I’ve been in a similar situation. I lived with my boyfriend and I came home from work one day and he was just gone. He packed his stuff and left. No note, no build up, no nothing just poof gone. My anxiety set in FAST and I was trying every way to get in touch with him to find out why and what happened. It was days before I heard anything from him. Turns out he and my best friend were secretly having an affair behind my back and he didn’t have the courage to break up with me to be with her.

I would say give him a couple days and see if he opens back up any lines of communication. Also, as sucky as it sounds there are times where you just don’t get the answers to things and closure doesn’t happen for a long time. It seems he might just need some time to cool off which is understandable.

In the meantime try and spend your time doing anxiety free and relaxing activities that you enjoy doing. I know it’s a lot easier said than done though. Lean on friends and family and talk to them through this time if you need someone.

A few things that helped me out of my breakup depressions have been: TBT actually, just a sense of community is great! Also, i just dove into things to occupy my mind. Sitting around dwelling on it is the easy way out. It’s so easy to stay stuck in that anxiety ridden place, but it’s worth getting out of it and branching out and trying to better your mood!

I hope you continue to work on yourself and stay strong! Journal your thoughts everyday if you need to! Take it one moment at a time.

 

[DarkDesertFox]

While I think it was pretty immature of him to just block you on everything, the best thing you can really do right now is just leave him alone. I'm sorry it's not what you want to hear but at this point if he's blocked you on everything, going beyond sending him a letter or something would probably creep him out if you never shared addresses. I know all too well the feeling of wanting closure and have also been in long distance relationships multiple times. As much as it hurts, there's really nothing else you can do but wait to see if he comes around. If he doesn't end up reaching back out, then well unfortunately sometimes it's just not meant to be. It will take time for the pain to go away but it will go away. Sorry if this sounds a bit direct, but I didn't want to sugar coat it with false hopes. Just try to do some things you enjoy to make you feel better in the meantime.

 

[Chris]

Don't write to him. He has clearly made the decision to end this relationship and you should respect that - regardless of the immature way he has handled this. Be the bigger person.

Forgive yourself, because you can't take back what you said, and learn from this experience. It can take a long time to get over someone and it's probably going to get worse before it gets better. Take the time to heal and try not to beat yourself up too much over it.

 

[your local goomy]

Thanks for all the help, folks. I'm just going to give him his space, then. I'm hoping he's just angry and doesn't want to talk right now and that he'll unblock me, but if he doesn't, then there's really nothing I can do about it. I guess it's the long-distance equivalent of couples or friends not talking for a while after an argument. I'm hoping that he replies after a while because I still do really love/care for him and because I had to let one of my college buddies go because our relationship soured. Two bad relationships in a short time isn't what I wanted, but I suppose that if it comes down to it, it's necessary. I'll try to focus on other things, maybe cook myself a nice lunch instead of eating something quick, or ask my mom if I take my grandma's car for a spin around the countryside or something. I still have hope, but I can't let this hope occupy my entire mind.

 

[Stikki]

Blocking someone on everything seems such an extreme reaction, especially from someone who is supposed to care about you. Unless you said something REALLY hurtful and personal then I don't think he's handled this well at all.

I couldn't leave someone I cared about in a potential state of anxiety, even if I needed a break. I would TELL them I need a break first. If they continued to hassle me then I would maybe mute them, but I would warn them that's what I was doing, so they weren't just in the dark. I don't think it's fair to do that to someone.

Having said that, I don't think you should write to him. Just leave him for now. If he doesn't reach out to talk by the time the weekend is over then consider writing the relationship off. Honestly though, I think he needs to apologise now, more than you do, for behaving like this. You don't just shut someone you care about off because they're stressed and lashing out a bit, you talk to them and find out what you can do to help. Imagine being married to someone who stormed out for days because you said something they didn't like when you were having a bad day.

 

[TheWildShadow55]

My experience with long distance relationships has been anything but positive, so naturally I'm a bit biased against them. However, I will try my best to put those biases aside in this.
Anyway, for me to truly determine if he was immature for blocking you everywhere I'd have to know the context of what was said, but I can understand why you wouldn't want to put that out there for everyone to see and regardless, he should've at least said what happened was uncalled for instead of just dipping. As everyone else has already said in this thread, absolutely do NOT send a letter to him because that would most likely creep him out a ton, I know I'd be kinda spooked if it turns out someone I knew on the internet had my address the whole time. I think that since there is really no way to contact him, that would mean he likely doesn't want an apology from you and that further attempts to reach him would probably make him want to talk to you even less, which don't get me wrong, that HURTS, but unfortunately there's likely not a whole lot more you can do : / The best thing you could do is if you do think you're gonna hear from him, wait it out or better yet, just try and put it in the back of your head so you aren't thinking about it often and I know that's so much easier said than done, but like other people in this thread have said, distracting yourself and doing things you love really does help you get your mind off fresh wounds such as that. Personally I believe he should apologize to you as well for going out in the way he did but again, I don't know just how severe the argument went so I can't speak on that a whole bunch. I've heard a saying that goes, "If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it's yours. If it doesn't, it never was." and I think that could apply here since if you don't make much of an effort to try and reach him and track him down and he eventually comes back to say he's sorry and wants to talk to you again, that means he truly cares, but if he doesn't, that could imply he wasn't putting in nearly as much care as you were, and relationships that aren't equal are VERY draining, you don't deserve that.
Regardless of the conclusion, I hope things go well for you!

 

[Millysaurusrexjr]

I wouldn't write to him. In fact, I'd forget about him. I was in a long-distance relationship for about 6 years, now married and living with my LDR man. Communication is the number one key in making a long distance relationship function, and by taking away all means of communication, he has shown that he is not committed to making a long distance relationship work. It is immature. It is hurtful. Not someone you'd want to be in any kind of relationship with, imo. He likely knows you are trying to contact him.

Maybe he needs a couple days to cool down, but it is very wrong what he did. Very unfair. You deserve better, even if you did lash out at him.

 

[Croconaw]

He likely knows you are trying to contact him.

This is likely true. The fact that he unfriended you when he had his account set to friends only, only proves this. If he didn’t think you were going to reach out to him, he would have just ghosted without unfriending you. That says a lot about his character and he sounds very immature. I think being able to communicate in a relationship is extremely important, and communication is a trait that he seems to lack.

 

[your local goomy]

I'm going to try giving him a few days, and even if he does decide to reply, I'm going to tell him that what he did wasn't okay. I'm going to tell him to work on his character as well...it's true that I'm trying to get my emotions under control and not break down/lash out as much, but he can't just shut me out if I DO. And if I don't hear anything after a few days, I guess I'll try my best to move on. It's very hard for me, being a hopeless romantic and all. With a childhood of bullying and just generally being left behind, I never expected to ever find a partner, and when I did, the childish part of my brain told me that it was gonna be forever. I'm trying, but it's definitely an uphill battle.

 

[Millysaurusrexjr]

I'm going to try giving him a few days, and even if he does decide to reply, I'm going to tell him that what he did wasn't okay. I'm going to tell him to work on his character as well...it's true that I'm trying to get my emotions under control and not break down/lash out as much, but he can't just shut me out if I DO. And if I don't hear anything after a few days, I guess I'll try my best to move on. It's very hard for me, being a hopeless romantic and all. With a childhood of bullying and just generally being left behind, I never expected to ever find a partner, and when I did, the childish part of my brain told me that it was gonna be forever. I'm trying, but it's definitely an uphill battle.

If he does come back, absolutely he must apologize and promise to never do that again. Open more forms of communication with him. If he does this again, ditch him

That said, you're 19, you're young and there's no doubt that you can find love again!

 

[Croconaw]

I'm going to try giving him a few days, and even if he does decide to reply, I'm going to tell him that what he did wasn't okay. I'm going to tell him to work on his character as well...it's true that I'm trying to get my emotions under control and not break down/lash out as much, but he can't just shut me out if I DO. And if I don't hear anything after a few days, I guess I'll try my best to move on. It's very hard for me, being a hopeless romantic and all. With a childhood of bullying and just generally being left behind, I never expected to ever find a partner, and when I did, the childish part of my brain told me that it was gonna be forever. I'm trying, but it's definitely an uphill battle.

You’re still very young and you have lots of time left to find someone. I was also bullied in the past. Middle school and high school were the worst. I think being bullied made me feel the need to seek validation from others which is absolutely not okay, and I realize that. My happiness should never be dependent on someone else, and yours shouldn’t either. This is why bullying is so terrible. It can have long term effects on people into adulthood. It causes people to have anxiety and depression. I’m so sorry you experienced bullying. Nobody should ever go through that and schools should be punished for allowing it to happen. I feel that bullying isn’t taken as seriously as it should be.

With that being said, you will definitely find someone, but sometimes the right person comes when we aren’t looking. I’d just live your life and do you for a bit. Get some closure from this relationship, but leave it in the past and treat it as a learning experience.

 

[arikins]

hello sweetheart. i just first want to say that i felt this so much. seriously, this is exactly something id feel like id write somewhere.

Spoiler: TW

me and my s/o have been through so much. while we are not together right now, we are still committed to each other and waiting for the right time to really date. just to give some context, both of us have been hospitalized because of stressors in the relationship. i also have turned to ab*se of [something i dont think im allowed to say on tbt !] in the relationship and have done horrible things to him because of it.

weve come an extremely long way to say the least. we have so many instances where we say were going to break up and be done because of how unfortunate our situation is sometimes. my parents have also feared for my mental health at some points and cut off my contact from him for multiple months, so i can relate to this, leaving suddenly and not having contact kind of thing thats going on with you.

ive had many desperate moments. 20 missed calls from me, 100+ messages, (this was at our worst), threats, etc. just want to say dont turn those sort of things. dont turn to any manipulation to get him to talk to you either. it can be detrimental to your health and his.

im really not sure what the full situation was, so i cant really give any concrete advice. if you have a therapist, talk to them about strong-minded skills and self-care. you said your parents really dont care much, which i can 100% relate to because my relationship has been an on and off secret from them, but if they do have a shoulder for you to cry on, i recommend you take it. do many MANY self-soothing activities, since it sounds like you have anxiety. DISTRACT yourself. i know many of these things are easier said than done.

thats really all i can say. again, this sounds SO familiar to me, and id love to talk to you privately more if you´d like about both of our situations. im here if you need anyone to talk to. you are going to be ok

<3 <3 <3

 

[tomatospooks666]

Blocking someone on everything seems such an extreme reaction, especially from someone who is supposed to care about you. Unless you said something REALLY hurtful and personal then I don't think he's handled this well at all.

I couldn't leave someone I cared about in a potential state of anxiety, even if I needed a break. I would TELL them I need a break first. If they continued to hassle me then I would maybe mute them, but I would warn them that's what I was doing, so they weren't just in the dark. I don't think it's fair to do that to someone.

Having said that, I don't think you should write to him. Just leave him for now. If he doesn't reach out to talk by the time the weekend is over then consider writing the relationship off. Honestly though, I think he needs to apologise now, more than you do, for behaving like this. You don't just shut someone you care about off because they're stressed and lashing out a bit, you talk to them and find out what you can do to help. Imagine being married to someone who stormed out for days because you said something they didn't like when you were having a bad day.

pretty much this. needing space for a bit is one thing, but going full on radio silence and blocking on everything is the opposite of what a caring s/o should do and if someone did that to me i'd be furious and unless they come back with a hell of an apology the relationship would be considered dead and gone to me.

op, u deserve better than some fair weather bf who's going to ditch you as soon as stuff gets tough. and, speaking from experience, try not to let your fear of being alone force you back into being in a relationship with him unless you feel like he genuinely feels sorry for what he did.

 

[Stikki]

I'm going to try giving him a few days, and even if he does decide to reply, I'm going to tell him that what he did wasn't okay. I'm going to tell him to work on his character as well...it's true that I'm trying to get my emotions under control and not break down/lash out as much, but he can't just shut me out if I DO. And if I don't hear anything after a few days, I guess I'll try my best to move on. It's very hard for me, being a hopeless romantic and all. With a childhood of bullying and just generally being left behind, I never expected to ever find a partner, and when I did, the childish part of my brain told me that it was gonna be forever. I'm trying, but it's definitely an uphill battle.

Look after yourself. You seem a very sweet person. Unfortunately this can leave you vulnerable to be taken advantage of, especially whilst you're so young.

I ended up sticking out several very abusive relationships for reasons to do with my own sense of self. I was abused by my parents growing up. I didn't really fit in at school. Even though I had a lovely group of misfits in the end to surround myself with, there was still that part of me that just wanted to be accepted by the "norm". To be loved like anyone else. I think I tried to fulfill that desire with relationships. Of course I was attracting all the wrong people and without a loving and supportive family, plus being quite isolated from friends at this point, I was easy to break and control and nobody could step in.

I know NOW that all those relationships were violent and abusive at worst and a waste of my time at best. Took me a long time to get there though. I now know myself better and know what I want from a relationship, but I don't NEED to be in one either, which is a comfortable place to be. I long for you to get there so that people can't treat you badly.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying this guy is irredeemable from this. Chances are he blew up in the moment, but there IS still a level of inappropriate behaviour here and that is where he cut you off and continues to leave you cut off as a punishment for saying something whilst clearly stressed. That's not how relationships go. It's early signs of controlling behaviour (ie, "behave yourself perfectly or I will punish you") and unless he's very apologetic and never uses this method again, I really feel you're worth more than this. I assume he's young like you also? So it might be that he made a stupid mistake, but still, people have to learn from their mistakes, not repeat them, so do think about that if he does come back.

All my love to you, I know you'll be feeling pretty bad right now and I really don't feel you deserve that at all x