Sexual Orientation & Gender Identity Support Thread

[ZeldaCrossing64]

Spoiler: Rant

I really wish I can present myself as non-binary a lot better. Even though I don't get dead-named as much (at school, at least), I'm still referred with she/her pronouns a lot. I'm wondering what about my appearance makes people assume I'm a girl, or if some people are just ignorant or something. I don't mean to be cynical, but I'm sick of this. I wanna be seen as NB. I wanna hear more people use they/them and, at the very least, my ****ing chosen name.

I think the best way I could really present myself with the gender identity I'm comfortable with is with baggier clothing and shorter hair. That's it. I'm fine with everything else about my appearance and don't feel the need to change it. But I'm not gonna throw out most of my wardrobe 'cause it's not baggy enough. I don't know anyone who could cut my hair, nor do I know how to cut my own hair (without it looking bad). So, yeah, I feel a bit limited with how I could present myself as a NB person.

This has also been on my mind recently: My dad told me that my step-mom used to think that one of my friends "turned" me bisexual, and my step-mom even felt guilty about it (like it's a bad thing) by introducing me to said friend. She used to be friends with the parents of that friend, who introduced me to the LGBTQ+ community. Hell, I dated her a few years back. (Very briefly, I was 14 and it was more like a multi-step middle school crush. But that's besides the point.) My family only knew about my sexuality by the time I dated her, but I had already discovered and known about it for at least a year by then (3 years now).

I'm honestly so mad about it. That friend didn't "make" me bisexual, she helped me put a name to my sexuality and realize it was okay. I would've discovered it one way or another, and I'm glad it happened as early as middle school. It would've caused problems for myself if I found out I liked two genders, but thought it wasn't right or accepted.

And as a side note, that friend didn't even believe I was bi when I first told her about it. And my parents sometimes question it, too. ("Are you sure you're actually bisexual?") It sucks to think that I don't feel fully accepted by the ones closest to me, AKA my own goddamn parents and someone who I considered my best friend at the time.

My dad said I shouldn't be mad at my step-mom for that, 'cause she thinks differently about it now, but I don't know. 'Cause I am still mad about that.

Very long rant, but I really needed to get it out of my system. But I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm perfectly happy with my sexuality + gender identity, and I wouldn't change it for the world; I just wish the people around me IRL were much more accepting about it.

 

[Croconaw]

I ordered a discreet non-binary pin from Etsy! I've also been more comfortable with myself as of late. It seems like I do present "non-binary" or at least not cis because I've had quite a few people ask me my pronouns - all of them being coworkers at the job I just transferred to but that's irrelevant. It seems like there are a boatload of enbys working there and I'm all for it, lol.

Spoiler: not my picture but same pin

I love how there are two different shades of yellow for the sky.

 

[.: Meri :.]

I've been wondering about something, and was wondering if any of you cool folks here might have any insight into what I'm experiencing. So, I'm demisexual and bi. As a side note, because I'm demi and haven't had the chance to form many close offline connections, I've also only actually experienced attraction towards fictional characters, but I feel like I would experience attraction to real people the same way. Also not sure if it's relevant or not but I'm AFAB nonbinary/genderfluid. I typically prefer men, and for a long time assumed I was exclusively attracted to them, only to discover relatively recently that I can like women too. I assume I could probably be attracted to other nonbinary people too but I haven't had any experience with that, so that's why I'm just going to be referring to men and women a lot here. I'm wondering if part of that might have to do with how the way I experience attraction to men vs. women feels very different to me?

Whether or not I'm interested in a guy usually feels very clear-cut to me, like it's a yes/no thing. When I catch feelings for a male character, it's like a switch flips. I tend to notice pretty much immediately. But with women it feels a lot... fuzzier at first? I generally have a much harder time figuring out what I'm feeling, and whether or not I'm experiencing romantic attraction or strong platonic fondness, which is not at all what I'm used to ahaha.

So basically what I'm trying to figure out is whether it's:

• a common thing for some people attracted to multiple genders to experience that attraction differently/with more or less clarity, depending
• some sort of internalized bias on my part—maybe just because I've believed I was exclusively interested in men for so long, I have a harder time initially registering my feelings for female characters?
• a demisexual thing—because I tend to immediately be a lot more comfortable/relaxed around women than I am with men, maybe the difference between attraction/non-attraction is less stark for me?
• an aromantic spectrum thing also maybe?? I've always considered myself alloromantic based off my feelings towards male characters, but maybe I'm experiencing something closer to demiromantic attraction where women are concerned?
• some combination of multiple things above

Any thoughts on this would be greatly appreciated! And if anything I've talked about here sounds at all relatable to anyone, or if I sound like I'm describing some specific sexual/romantic orientation really well without realizing it, I would love to hear what you have to share. c:

 

[wrenbow]

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I'm a demi lesbian so I can't offer insight on everything you mentioned, but hopefully I can help a little bit.

First of all I think it's pretty normal to have that internalised bias. It's common for lesbians to think they're attracted to men before coming out because it's just what's expected of you and you're not really shown that there are other options, so I imagine that actually having that attraction would make you less inclined to question that and consider other possibilities.

Personally, after realising that having romantic feelings for women was an option, I was definitely surprised by how comfortable and natural it could feel, especially compared to how I felt with men (which was mostly discomfort and nervousness mistaken for attraction), which is partly why it took me a while to figure out that that's what it was. Romantic feelings can definitely be slow-building and "fuzzy" like you described and they don't necessarily have to hit you in the face lol

Unfortunately that does mean it can be really difficult to differentiate strong platonic feelings and romantic ones. I think this can be a problem for people of any gender/orientation but it's definitely a big thing among sapphics, and I do think feeling comfortable has a lot to do with it like you said. Especially being demi, the platonic feelings are usually there first and can sometimes be entangled with romantic feelings so they're not even necessarily separable. However, I'd say that if you can see yourself spending your life with a woman and doing romantic things together and that feels right/makes you happy, that would be a pretty strong indicator that you like them as more than just a friend, and I imagine the same sort of thing would apply regardless of gender.

Basically what I'm saying is that to me it sounds like a combination of all the things you listed. From what I've heard bisexual people can absolutely have a preference for one gender over others and experience attraction to different genders in different ways, and what you described sounds pretty normal to me. Not 100% sure about the aromantic spectrum thing, it depends whether you feel you need to have that bond before you can actually develop feelings or whether it's just the different kind of attraction that was throwing you off, but it's certainly a possibility. There's no need to rush to figure these things out anyway, but I hope this helps things make a little more sense.

 

[Moonlight.]

identified as a lesbian for a while now only to eventually realize i'm actually bisexual. i just have such a strong preference for women over men so honestly it had been pretty hard to tell. seems to be a pretty common occurrence from what i've seen but it still feels weirdly alienating lol.

 

[pawprints]

identified as a lesbian for a while now only to eventually realize i'm actually bisexual. i just have such a strong preference for women over men so honestly it had been pretty hard to tell. seems to be a pretty common occurrence from what i've seen but it still feels weirdly alienating lol.

I have the opposite issue. I have no idea if I’m a lesbian or just a bisexual afraid of men. I get uncomfortable when men ask me to hang out and block out any potential for a relationship with a man. I don’t understand it and I’m not sure that I would like to. I don’t have anything against lesbians. They’re great. I just don’t know if I am one or if I would like to be simply because I identified as bi for soooo many years at this point. And I don’t want to be the stereotype of the bisexual who “chooses” - never mind that the whole stereotype is insanely biphobic.

 

[wrenbow]

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I can relate to feeling uncomfortable around men, but for me that's only the case in romantic contexts and it's not a problem at all when I know they're not interested in me. Maybe examining where that discomfort comes from would help? It could be that you'd be attracted to a man in the right circumstances but you just haven't been around any men that make you feel safe, or it could be that you dislike it because the idea of being with a man in general is unappealing to you.

Imo you should be able to use whatever label feels most comfortable/correct to you at any given time, and if your understanding of yourself changes then there's nothing wrong with changing your label accordingly. Not all people fit neatly into a box either so you don't even have to use a label if you don't want to.

 

[pawprints]

.

thank you for this. In my confusion, I think that I might identify as queer or sapphic because I MAY like men but I know for sure that I am attracted to women.

 

[Belle T]

I have the opposite issue. I have no idea if I’m a lesbian or just a bisexual afraid of men. I get uncomfortable when men ask me to hang out and block out any potential for a relationship with a man. I don’t understand it and I’m not sure that I would like to. I don’t have anything against lesbians. They’re great. I just don’t know if I am one or if I would like to be simply because I identified as bi for soooo many years at this point. And I don’t want to be the stereotype of the bisexual who “chooses” - never mind that the whole stereotype is insanely biphobic.

I don't normally post too much in this thread, but I wanted to share a bit of wisdom from my own experience. If you go through life wondering what stereotypes you exemplify by existing, you will drive yourself mad. Even if you do manage to subvert them, people will just invent new ones.

"Have 'daddy issues?' Ah, your lesbianism must stem from your distrustful relationship with your father!"
"Don't have 'daddy issues?' Well, now it makes sense; your lesbianism stems from having such a great relationship with your father that you identify more with him than your mother!"

Even advocates and fellow members of whatever umbrella you find yourself under will find some way to pigeonhole you into a pre-determined narrative, so there's simply no winning, and there's no point in trying. My advice is to just live your life as your honest self to the best that you possibly can and ignore the impulses telling you that you're exemplifying a negative stereotype. Don't worry about what bad faith actors may use to explain things they were never interested in understanding in the first place.

If you were writing a fictional story, then we could discuss stereotypes and how different creative decisions communicate to the intended audience. But this is your actual life, not a story. It's not going to fit comfortably into an umbrella that is palatable for audiences. So don't worry about it. I know that's easier said than done, but it is doable.

 

[Croconaw]

I recently decided to switch to using they/them pronouns full time. I was using he/they but whenever someone used the masculine it didn’t feel right at all, and I was secretly hoping the people I interacted with chose to use they/them.

I’m as androgynous as they come and whenever mentally referring to myself I have a much easier time spitting out they/them. “He/him” feels kind of forced so I know that’s not it. I find myself weirdly comfortable with my body even with the female features. Although, I sometimes wish they were a little less prominent. But I really don’t mind them being there sometimes. My mom is flat chested so I’m not sure what happened here, lol, but whatever. I do wear binders but it’s more to present in the middle (maybe leaning a little masc but still that’s only like 1% of the time) rather than full on masculine.

Self discovery at 25 oops. Better late than never, I suppose.

 

[xSuperMario64x]

^ it's funny because for me, it's the exact opposite. I'm basically totally androgynous in my presentation, but after using they/them and he/him for a while, it feels forced to say "they/them" while "he/him" feels much more natural to me.

also I was a bit too tired to really process everything that yall are talking about here, but I agree with the whole "not overcomplicating everything" mindset. like for instance, I'm trans-masc. I could probably be much more specific than that, and take into account all the little details that make up my gender/presentation, but I find it less stressful and more straightforward to simply say "yeah I'm non-binary but I feel more connected to masculinity." and I'm demi-omniromantic, but I have a heavy preference for men, so I just leave it at that.
I know how tempting it can be to try to figure out every little detail, and see what has shaped you into where you stand in the LGBT+ community, but ultimately it's less stressful to see yourself on more of a face-value level and embrace that.



also also need to ask something. all of you who are biologically female but identify as nb/trans. do any of you feel dysphoric with your chest mostly because of general discomfort, and not necessarily gender dysphoria? like I do feel pretty dysphoric if I don't wear my binder during the day, but I've actually always been really uncomfortable with my chest, even when I was younger and long before I discovered I'm nb. I feel like if I could've had a binder as a kid/teen then I would have. I guess it's less like "oh I'm trying to present androgynous/masculine so I need to be flat chested" and more like "why in the **** is this thing even on my chest, I hate it so much, I want it gone". I guess people who identify as andro/feminine could feel the same way honestly. I just find it interesting that my discomfort is only partially fueled by dysphoria, and mostly fueled by the fact that I just... reeeeeally hate not being flat-chested. I feel like if it didn't just generally make me feel uncomfortable, then I wouldn't even mind not wearing a binder.
might need some prayers yall, literally being able to go through top surgery would be an absolute blessing for me

 

[Seastar]

also also need to ask something. all of you who are biologically female but identify as nb/trans. do any of you feel dysphoric with your chest mostly because of general discomfort, and not necessarily gender dysphoria? like I do feel pretty dysphoric if I don't wear my binder during the day, but I've actually always been really uncomfortable with my chest, even when I was younger and long before I discovered I'm nb. I feel like if I could've had a binder as a kid/teen then I would have. I guess it's less like "oh I'm trying to present androgynous/masculine so I need to be flat chested" and more like "why in the **** is this thing even on my chest, I hate it so much, I want it gone". I guess people who identify as andro/feminine could feel the same way honestly. I just find it interesting that my discomfort is only partially fueled by dysphoria, and mostly fueled by the fact that I just... reeeeeally hate not being flat-chested. I feel like if it didn't just generally make me feel uncomfortable, then I wouldn't even mind not wearing a binder.
might need some prayers yall, literally being able to go through top surgery would be an absolute blessing for me

I have no idea if I'm non-binary or not, but I've been uncomfortable with it for seemingly forever. It's so bad that I keep noticing I will try to cover my chest with my arms/blankets/sweaters/etc. even when nobody is around.
I still see myself as feminine so I don't really know what's been going on with me.

 

[Croconaw]

also also need to ask something. all of you who are biologically female but identify as nb/trans. do any of you feel dysphoric with your chest mostly because of general discomfort, and not necessarily gender dysphoria?

Not sure if I'm okay to answer because I'm not sure if what I feel about my chest necessarily qualifies as dysphoric, but I'll still say a few things. I started growing in the chest area at age 11, and all I can remember is someone telling my mom that I may need to start wearing bras soon, and I asked "why? I'm only 11." I felt pushed into the female gender role at a young age and having to wear bras that young was a little upsetting. I also sleep mostly on my side and/or chest so they just get in the way. Again, I don't mind that they are there but I wouldn't be opposed to them being smaller. Then again, there was a point where I was happy with my figure because it's seen as attractive. What I didn't like was being pushed into female gender roles, having to wear things that accentuated my body. I dislike being referred to as a woman and being complimented on my figure. I also didn't like being referred to as a man, but it felt good for a minute because it was an occasion where I wasn't being referred to as a woman. I don't feel like a man or a woman. The joy of being referred to as male came from "not being referred to as female" rather than "wanting to be referred to as male." I feel like I resonate more with they/them pronouns because it's gender neutral.

I wouldn't say I'm dysphoric of my chest. My reasoning for each time I choose to wear a binder stems from "I want to present in a more androgynous way today." I've had people ask me my pronouns or they just know I'm non-binary regardless of whether or not I wear a binder. Even with a slightly bigger than normal chest area, I still present relatively androgynous. But for my swimwear, I do opt for swim trunks and a swim shirt, because a bikini is a little too accentuating for me. The former is way more gender neutral.

 

[Croconaw]

I'm absolutely positive I'm non-binary but something I haven't really thought about is my romantic orientation. I know for sure I'm female-attracted but they don't necessarily have to be a representing cis-female. If they're non-binary but leaning more feminine, that's okay. I just state that I'm generally female-attracted and leave it at that. Lesbian/gay doesn't really resonate since both of those terms assume my gender and I don't like that. Basically, I am non-binary and attracted to females and female-aligned individuals. I don't really develop a desire to date a particular person until we form a closer bond. I think that rings true for anyone, though and it's not strictly a demi thing? That's why I'm not sure if it's a demi-romantic thing or just me wanting to get to know someone. The underlined bit is what I say when asked about my sexuality because like I previously stated, the terms lesbian/gay imply my gender and I don't feel like I have a gender if that makes any sense at all.

Spoiler: is this a struggle for anyone else?? (asexual)

As for sexual orientation, I definitely don't find it necessary. I'm a virgin and I wouldn't mind that not changing at all. Unfortunately finding someone that isn't interested at all in stuff like that is damn near impossible. I used to identify as apothisexual (meaning sex repulsed) but I don't think I'd mind it with someone after forming a very close bond... but the confusion comes from if I'm just giving in and doing it eventually because I know that finding someone that is apothisexual or okay with not doing stuff like that everyday is in fact impossible. I'm not necessarily disgusted, but like, I do not see a point? It's not a necessary part of a relationship in my opinion.

 

[Seastar]

Okay, I'm starting to think I might be both female and non-binary. I'm not completely sure, though. I feel confused. Is there even a specific term for this?

 

[Gabby]

Okay, I'm starting to think I might be both female and non-binary. I'm not completely sure, though. I feel confused. Is there even a specific term for this?

Not sure about a specific term, but I’ve seen non-binary female/woman/girl/femme be used. It’s okay to feel both!

 

[nightglow]

Okay, I'm starting to think I might be both female and non-binary. I'm not completely sure, though. I feel confused. Is there even a specific term for this?

Idk but I know tomboy was a term used for a long time for females who would have a lean towards masculinity vs females who wouldn't... Whether it was about interests, clothing, or activities. They wouldn't fit as a boy or girl but they were female. I'm not sure if that fits what your looking for.

(Is tomboy an acceptable term today or is it not a good term now?)

 

[-Mars-]

Okay, I'm starting to think I might be both female and non-binary. I'm not completely sure, though. I feel confused. Is there even a specific term for this?

Sounds like Demigirl. But you could also be non-binary and female/feminine aligned. But it's up to you how you feel most comfortable identifying and you don't need to feel pressured into labeling yourself, it's only a mere suggestion.

 

[Gabby]

Idk but I know tomboy was a term used for a long time for females who would have a lean towards masculinity vs females who wouldn't... Whether it was about interests, clothing, or activities. They wouldn't fit as a boy or girl but they were female. I'm not sure if that fits what your looking for.

(Is tomboy an acceptable term today or is it not a good term now?)

I believe tomboy is still okay to use, it’s just not as popular as it once was.

 

[Captain Jigglypuff]

I believe tomboy is still okay to use, it’s just not as popular as it once was.

I think the term sort of went out of popular usage after girls being into sports other than swimming, gymnastics, tennis, and cheerleading became socially acceptable. And there isn’t anything wrong with a girl being interested in rock climbing or wrestling but back when I was a kid in the 90s, it was very unusual to see a girl doing any extreme sports. That’s how I’ve always interpreted the term tomboy. At least it’s better sounding and not as harsh than what is still being used to describe effeminate boys. I just think society is really really weird in that it is acceptable that a girl is more interested in masculine activities and plays with toys targeted to boys but the moment they see a boy playing with a doll or trying on a dress because he’s curious to see what it would feel like wearing it, it’s deemed that something is horribly wrong with him.