The Internet's Worst Advice Column

[DinosaurDumpster]

Use the sink and scrub your clothes with a toothbrush. To dry, put your clothes in the freezer.

How do I make a salad?

 

[frogslime]

Head on over to the community salad thread, their recipe seems very ethical and safe.

How do I approach the weird figure behind my dresser?

 

[Shellzilla_515]

Greet them and give them a handshake! Be sure to give them your business card.

I see myself in the mirror copying every move that I do. How can I stop it?

 

[Midoriya]

Gather all the mirrors and break them all. Just be careful if you experience any bad luck...

How to grow flowers?

 

[Shellzilla_515]

Plant them in water. They'll get so much hydration that they'll be huge! The best place to do this is in an ocean. Now you never have to worry about looking after your plants ever again!

I'm being blinded by the lights. How can I stop it?

 

[frogslime]

to fully demonstrate the solution, I made some insightful instructions

Hope this helps


Help I keep losing my kazoo

 

[Shellzilla_515]

Get Kazooie and use her as a kazoo instead. There's a risk of being pecked, though.

The game I've been hyped for has been delayed! How can I deal with it?

 

[DinosaurDumpster]

Break into Nintendo Headquarters Japan and square up with Shigeru Miyamoto himself.

My favorite online game got shut down, what do I do now?

 

[Firesquids]

Have you tried writing letters to the developer to bring it back? Nothing a strongly worded letter can't fix!

My cat is disrespectful, how do I make him respect me more?

 

[Shellzilla_515]

Yell at your cat and say "respect my authority!"

My cat has scratched me very badly and I'm injured. What should I do?

 

[k e r f u f f l e]

Schedule your cat for a public flogging in the town square and then banish them to the darkest pits of Hades.

I want to start waking up at 5 in the morning. How do I break into the habit?

 

[Midoriya]

Just don’t sleep. No sleeping at all. There, you are now up at 5 in the morning.

How do I stop using the lemon emoji in posts?

 

[Neb]

Use the almighty emoji instead.

How can I keep my belly flat?

 

[Shellzilla_515]

Use a cement roller. You'll be thin as paper in no time.

How can I avoid catching sea bass all the time?

 

[frogslime]

Introduce an invasive species to the environment. That should kill them off in no time, and there definitely, absolutely, will not be any repercussions that will affect the wellbeing of that ecosystem's future.

How do I quickly muster up the energy to clean my room?

 

[Stil]

Smoke the meth

What is the best way to extract one of my teeth?

 

[k e r f u f f l e]

A nice big truck and some yarn.

How do I make coffee even more awesome?

 

[Firesquids]

2 words, holographic glitter

My roomate never cleans his dishes and it annoys me, how do I fix this?

 

[k e r f u f f l e]

Start using up all the dishes before him and leaving them dirty. See how he feels!

My guinea pig is genetically fat. Is there a way to get him more fit?

 

[Kirbyz]

steroids. congrats, it’s now evolved into a professional bodybuilder.

these weird cats in my neighborhood keep having gang fights on my front driveaway, how do i make them go away