The out of context quotes thread

You sure you know how to fly this thing?

I invented it, didn’t I? You wouldn’t ask Thomas Edison whether he knew how to use a sexmatron.
 
^ I love all of these Diary of a Wimpy Kid quotes

We’re in Mars, in a forgotten cavern abandoned by the native Martians a million years ago.

Actually, it was five years ago. I remember ‘cause I washed my socks.
 
Sir, at our present speed, the computer predicts a 100% chance we’ll be sliced in half. We’ll never make it.

Not with that attitude, we won’t!
 
My arms are broken! I’ll never paint again! *sobs*

You can’t sue the military.

Oh, I’m okay then.
 
Lisa, knock off that racket!

But, Dad, I’m supposed to practice an hour a day.

I’ll practice you!

You’ll practice me? What does that mean? Is it supposed to be some sort of threat?

*Homer growls angrily*
 
Now, son, on your first day of school, I’d like to pass along the words of advice my father gave me.

“Homer, you’re dumb as a mule and twice as ugly. If a strange man offers you a ride, I say take it!”

Lousy, traumatic childhood!
 
“Moi will play the petite mermaid.”
“Mermaids aren’t fat!”
*Baby Piggy gets angry and Kermit gets in between Skeeter and her*
“Skeeter! If you take my advice for once in your natural life, walk away.”
 
Homer, I can’t get the baby to burp. Can you try it for a while?

No problem. I’ll just give her a sip of beer. Come on, Maggie. It’s Miller time! Yes, it’s Miller time!

Homer!
 
"Boys! Boys, have you seen my *****?"

(confused) "...What?"

"My ***** is on the loose! If you see it, just try to catch it with some cheese." *runs away*

"Ow... That hurt my brains."
 
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