The out of context quotes thread

[xSuperMario64x]

"A woman called and said 'my game hums, do you know why?'

"And I said, 'because it don't know the words, lady!'" - Jerry Lawson

 

[Captain Jigglypuff]

“Mom! Tom Cruise won’t come out of the closet!”

 

[Yoshi155]

-

 

[Captain Jigglypuff]

“How does 1000 cents sound to you?”
“Ten dollars?”
“How does 100 cents sound to you?”

 

[ZeldaCrossing64]

"Apparently radiation also causes creatures to have meatballs for arms."

 

[Captain Jigglypuff]

“Coach always says, ‘Heart, obedience, motivation, oppurtunity.’ H.O.M.O.”
“That spells homo.”
“You don't know how to spell.”

 

[Ravenkitty22]

“She was scared of tiny spiders, but not of plummeting to her death from a set of monkey bars. Go figure.”

 

[Captain Jigglypuff]

“I fixed him but for the last time I’m not a mechanic!”
“Well I’m not a meteorologist, or a botanist, or the owner of a freak show but you don’t see me complaining now, do you?!”

 

[Captain Jigglypuff]

“The pilot is a penguin! And he’s been drinking too! Wait a minute. PENGUINS CAN’T FLY!!!!!”

 

[-Blue-]

Relax Sokka. Where we're going you won't need any pants.

 

[Captain Jigglypuff]

“She can write?! How was I supposed to know that?!”
“When she signed the contract!”

 

[Midoriya]

"Explain this, but in basketball terms."

"Alright, fam, don't worry, I got you. So you pit these two teams against each other, right? But as the game goes on one of the teams can't even score a single point, not even a ******* free throw. Eventually it gets to the point where that team gives up and starts intentionally missing the basket. This one dude throws the ball at the backboard and it bounces off and hits a fan in the stands. Don't worry about the fan though. They're going to be okay. In fact, they bid $1,000,000 that the currently leading team would win in a blowout. Best day of their ******* life. Now, eventually the team that sucks gets tired and starts napping on the court. The leading team continues to score until the game is over and the final score is 336-0, setting a new NBA and franchise record. The last player to score dunks the basketball in the net and holds onto it for 10 seconds, as if to say "**** you" to the other team. He then hops off and the team leaves, all whilst the other team is still napping. The fans leave and the arena closes down, and they finally they get up and leave, not even looking at the scoreboard like they didn't just get slaughtered. It would be like if you put today's best players in LeBron James, Stephen Curry, Luka Doncic, Giannis Antetokounmpo, and Nikola Jokic together on a team with other stars, and pit them against a bunch of ******* elementary school kids."

"...okay, thank you."

 

[Hunter_Gr33n]

"The twists and turns in this fanfic kept me guessing until the very end. Just when I thought I had everything figured out, the author threw in a curveball that left me stunned. Such clever storytelling!"
"this is an art book :/"
This actually happened btw.

 

[ZeldaCrossing64]

"Terry, Jeb, have a burger."
"We're vegan."
"Yeah, I know. No cheese."

 

[Captain Jigglypuff]

“Must. Kill. John. Lennon. Mom, where can I find John Lennon so that I can kill him?”
“John Lennon’s already dead.”
“Awwwwww....”

 

[ZeldaCrossing64]

"What, did you like, spill water on your game and tried to dry it off with a saw?"

 

[outofwrlds]

"Mom, how come dad gets to stand at the table but I can't wear a cape?"

"Because your father is scared of doctors."

 

[Ravenkitty22]

“I know love is real because of Lumity, but man, they must be lucky.”
“There’s one key difference here: Lumity is gay, what you had was straight-passing.”
“So what you’re saying is just… be gay?”
“Exactly.”
“Then explain Jack and Rose, Ron and Hermione, Percy and Annabeth… as well as every disney princess ever.”

 

[Captain Jigglypuff]

“The things I do for love….”

 

[ZeldaCrossing64]

"What seems to be the officer, problem?"