What's Bothering You?

xSuperMario64x said:
this is kinda wack but I've mentioned it here before and it's still really bothering me so I'm mentioning it again.

so a week or so ago I had a really strange dream, i dont quite know how to explain it. I dreamt that I met some kind of spirit, who asked me and some others to work with them. we could either exist in pairs w others and be like still alive but having those abilities, or we could go full on and basically give up all autonomy and become spirits ourselves. yeah so the premise itself is weird enough, imagine being someone like me who frequently has weird dreams and hallucinates upon waking up at any point in the night.

well I just woke up a bit ago having a somewhat brief panic attack because I thought that I had somehow been forced to agree to live this life of being, like, a living spirit, and I woke up bc the person assigned as my partner was trying to communicate w me in my sleep?? and like I'm ofc still a living person but I can feel something controlling everything I say and do, and I myself have no control. it's like watching someone else control you and you can't do anything but watch.

now luckily a bit after waking up I realize that this is all fake and pretty ridiculous to think that it's real, but it happens a lot and every time it happens I do believe it's real and it greatly impacts the amount/quality of sleep I get.
now it's almost 2am and I'm basically wide awake again, after all that time I spent trying to go to sleep. 😞

edit: I FINALLY FELL BACK ASLEEP AND IT ****ING HAPPENED AGAIN
please I'm so tired of this, just me let sleep so I can wake up feeling refreshed for once. I can guarantee I'll be feeling anything but refreshed when I gotta get up at 8am today.
now I'm almost too scared to go back to sleep now to be honest...
Click to expand...
update, I just woke up from yet another panic attack because I could literally feel myself being dragged back into this absolute insanity, and I legitimately fear for my life when it happens. I don't know what to do about it. I'm supposed to have a job interview that's a 40 min drive away in less than 9 hours and I can't even go to sleep without waking up from hellish nightmares and hallucinations.
 
Been struggling with my mental health since before Christmas and usually it’s just a phase and I snap out of it but this time is just a rough ride - most days I’m just waiting to sleep but I gotta be all upbeat and happy during the day so my kids don’t notice and it is so draining.

I’m also absolutely hating my job, they expect us to do the job of 3+ people with no thanks or recognition, when I have been sick with sickness bugs/covid they guilt tripped me into going in even though I was not well enough to work.

My little boy is going through an autism diagnosis and this has been ongoing for 2+ years I just want the diagnosis so we can get better things in place to help with his school & home life.

I feel like everyone in my life I put more effort in with everything than they do, I buy personal presents for birthdays/anniversaries/Christmas and then the effort I get back is just not the same.

I was also recently diagnosed with Coeliac Disease meaning I can’t have anything with gluten in which is a massive life change to me, I used to really enjoy food whereas now I find myself eating the same things all the time and my love for food is slowly drifting into the distance. When we’re deciding where to eat my boyfriend regularly ‘forgets’ that I cannot just go anywhere to eat because there’s a lot I can’t have☹️

Sorry for the long post just needed to get it out somewhere. I am on the waiting list for therapy but mental health is currently a crisis in the UK so waiting times are a lot longer than they have been in the past.
 
My mental health has been going to absolute **** this past month. I struggle with anxiety, depression, paranoia, PTSD, and probably some type of personality disorder, most likely BPD, but I haven't been able to get a professional diagnosis yet, so idk.
I recently found out that my girlfriend is moving schools, and ever since then, thoughts like, "She'll find someone better," or "She's gonna leave you/cheat on you," things like that. Out of sight, out of mind, after all. Now, my mom, being the lovely human that she is, said that I can also move to that school if I so wish, but I'm afraid that if I do, I'll seem clingy and needy, or maybe I'll give off overprotective/Yandere stalker girlfriend vibes, and I don't want that. Also, my best friend is also planning to move schools, but not to the same one my gf is, and I don't really have any other friends at my current school, so now I'm torn between staying at my current school, moving with my girlfriend, or moving with my best friend, and it's really eating away at me.
Also, in the past month alone, my terrible mood swings and my ****ty communication skills have lost me like 5 friends so that's fun
 
mom called me a, "selfish, spiteful [word i can't say]" after starting an argument with me for making food late at night. (my new medication has screwed up my sleeping schedule.) now she's refusing to take me to my volunteering job and benefits appointment tomorrow. fun!
 
I woke up yet again only an hour or two after falling asleep, dealing with a panic attack. it's gotten to a point now where I always look to a certain spot in my room to find whatever it is I feel is threatening me. luckily it didn't happen again after I fell asleep a second time, but it's still really frustrating to deal with. I have slept well in at least a week 😭

also this was technically last night but I love when my 51 y.o dad has an attitude w me over something I simply brought up, I wasn't being rude at all. just when I think I can actually get along w him he does stupid **** like that. like if you can't have a sense of humor, especially if you're using your attitude as a conversation starter, then you're really not worth my time.
 
woke up and my back hurts 🙃

also im on spring break but i have to do a project and i don’t feel like doing it
 
I could’ve gotten a little more sleep last night. At least my shift today at work is very short.
 
my dog has something wrong with him and I desperately want to take him to the vet, bc he's honestly acting scared and he can't move without trying to itch this spot near his tail. but I can't take him to the vet bc I don't have the $52 visit fee 🙃


edit: my dad and I are gonna take him to a pet spa and give him a bath (we're not sure what the issue is but he's been itching a lot so it could be allergies/shedding), and I should have the money to take him to the vet in a few days. I just hate to see him so miserable, he's not living his best doggo life rn and it makes me sad 😔
 
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Also...in what world is it acceptable to "like" or "love" someone's image on social media, when you have bad blood with that person...but continue to ignore said person when they try to mend fences? Like...6 months of silence. You can "love" my image...but, I extend an olive branch and you ignore every single message? Get right out of here...you have literally been a ghost to me. I wished you a happy easter and you couldn't even respond with a "thanks, you too". I keep showing up and trying to be a bigger person...and you keep meeting me with total disrespect. But you can "love" my post? What kind of socially ignorant behavior is this?
 
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One of the customers at my job is a creepy old dude and he’s flirting with me, lmao. He also flirts with other people at work. He keeps telling me I’m a beautiful girl and it’s making me so dysphoric, I can’t.
 
I really try to avoid videos that literally only exist to stir up drama, but I was somehow recommended a short video of the dumb*** Jeffrey Starr talking abt how using they/them as a pronoun is a stupid thing. as if I didn't already have no respect for him as a person, now I have even less respect. he literally came out and just said "I refuse to understand you guys and instead I'll just call you stupid." and it baffles me even more that there were so many people in the comments agreeing w him.
look if you don't like people using they/them as a pronoun that's literally your own problem. too ****ing bad. there are so many people in the world who use they/them as a pronoun and if you call them stupid for that reason then you're purposefully invalidating their existence, and that's a really ****ty thing to do to someone. there is enough cruelty in the world as is, we don't need people like him making the world even more cruel.

I just can't believe how uncaring and heartless some people can be. I am grateful to know there are good people in the world though, and that no matter what bull**** trans and nb people have to put up with there will always be someone somewhere who supports them. people like Jeffrey Starr really just don't deserve the time of day at all.
 
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