What's Bothering You?

i made the dumb decision to eat the thing that gave me food poisoning last year, and now i get to spend my night anxiously waiting to see if it’ll happen again. 😵‍💫 it tasted and looked fine, but i’m still terrified. i shouldn’t have eaten it, but i’ve been craving it for so long that i just said, “**** it.”

it’s been almost 3 hours and i don’t feel the greatest, but i think it has more to do with exhaustion and anxiety than any actual food poisoning. symptoms started around 5-6 hours after consumption last time, so i guess i’ll know around 5:30-6:30am. god i’m so scared, i’m so stupid LOL. i will not ever be eating this again, no matter what happens. it’s not worth the fear at all. 😭
 
Dim said:
I swear, every time DST ends and I get an extra hour of sleep... I ALWAYS wake up an hour early anyway. It absolutely pisses me off.
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I did the same thing. I was hoping to take advantage of the extra hour and sleep in today, but no... Oh well, it's an extra hour for me to get stuff done today. =)

I just hate that my body doesn't even let me sleep in, even though I really need to because my sleep schedule has been meh lately.
 
I've been so mentally and emotionally exhausted that I've been sleeping a lot more than usual (which I suppose is actually good, considering when my anxiety was rampant I could barely sleep at all), and I've been tense and having weird dreams (I actually had two today that made me nervous even though they were completely illogical), and just feeling fatigued and not having much desire to do anything.

I really do think I may be sick, but it's not quite a physical illness, though I am having some physical symptoms. it's also not a mental illness in the same vain as what I've dealt with before. I guess it's an acute illness, but I'm not even sure exactly how to describe it. maybe acute depression? I don't know. I do know though that I can't tell my parents or anyone else about it, because they'll say "but lying around will just make it worse". what part of "I'm so exhausted I can't find the energy to do anything, I need to rest" do you not get? that's like telling someone with the flu that resting in bed won't help them feel better. I hate the stigma on mental illness.

anyways, I really want to draw and work on laundry, and I would like to go to the store and get some important things, and also look for a white copic marker so I can do more traditional art. but as it stands, my best right now is to be cozy in my bed and watch videos (I've been especially interested in videos breaking down absurd and convoluted mechanics in pokemon games as of late). hopefully I'll feel a bit better later today. for now I need to be patient with myself; it's been a really rough few weeks for me in terms of rediscovering myself, figuring out my values and goals, and understanding my own mental health. it's overwhelming and draining. now more than ever I need to be gentle and understanding to myself.
 
my moms in the hospital. i think she had a panic attack, she told me her heart was beating super fast and it started hurting on the way to the ER. but i haven’t heard from her since 9 am, it’s 12 pm now. my dads with her right now, i asked him how she was and all he said was that she’s asleep right now. i had to go to work extremely anxious and i was in the position where you have to take orders all day and i couldn’t even take one order without crying :( im so stressed about it, i can’t imagine life without my mom. i had to go home from work, but i feel like such a burden :/
 
jiny said:
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oh jiny, you’re not a burden at all. i’m so sorry to hear about what’s happening with your mom, and everything else that you’ve been struggling with. i know you haven’t been having the easiest time as of late.

but your struggles and your responses to said struggles do not make you a burden. she’s your mom, of course you’re going to be stressed and crying over something potentially being wrong with her. but if it was a panic attack, those are really good at replicating the symptoms of a heart attack. it’s not unusual for someone to think they’re having a heart attack when they’re actually having an anxiety/panic attack; it’s happened to me as well.

your dad is with her, taking care of her and keeping her company, and i’m sure she’ll be just fine. sending hugs your way. 🫂💕💕
 
having a difficult time with my career & school right now. a lot of weird things going on at work. i have no energy anymore. i am pretty sure i'm depressed again & i'd see a doctor again but #nohealthinsurance. here's hoping something changes soon!!1!
 
i forgot to mention this earlier but when i was at work crying one of my so called friends just kept staring at me and not even asking if i was okay, she saw me talking to my manager about my situation and crying and just stared
basically i was in the position that everyone hates (taking orders all day) because it’s in the very back, you’re alone most the time and customers can be generally a pain (i hate it too) and im pretty sure the reason she wasn’t saying anything was because she was too worried about having to take over for me 😐 she didn’t even end up taking over, they put someone else who didn’t even know that position just because she would be mad if she was there
but what got me the most upset was right before i left she decided to come up to me telling me about the phone charm i made for her that she lost, and how she found it again. after seeing me cry multiple times, that’s what she decided to say to me… needless to say i probably won’t consider this person my friend anymore 🥲
 
im feeling myself become sick… i couldnt get any sleep and was shivering even though i was packed in layers. i feel feverish and my nose is a lil runny, and i feel something in my throat. i did two covid tests from different brands, both negative.

only problem is, today is my first day of work after a week and a half of time off. i dont wanna be the person to ‘magically become sick’ right after their vacay!! im pumped full of painkiller and im going to school and work wearing a mask.
 
I don't know how to describe what I'm feeling right now, but it's incredibly discomforting and overwhelming and I hate it 😞


edit: so uhhhhh I may or may not have just spent the last four weeks in a hypomanic episode... that's fun. 🙃
at least I'm aware of that now and I can be more mindful for the future, but good lord.
 
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I didn't realize how much of a blessing it is to be able to walk around outdoors freely.

Going on week two of being sick and not being able to smell or taste anything. It's really starting to bring me down.
 
cramps 🙃 they literally have me bedridden also i got sick! i woke up with a sore throat 🤩
 
I swear to the universe, I hate scammers!
I know these little snakes are everywhere, but I really hate when they slither and cling to one of my posts. MY ANIMAL CROSSING POSTS of all things with their unrelated BS!

Also, stay safe guys <3.
 
AccfSally said:
I swear to the universe, I hate scammers!
I know these little snakes are everywhere, but I really hate when they slither and cling to one of my posts. MY ANIMAL CROSSING POSTS of all things with their unrelated BS!

Also, stay safe guys <3.
Click to expand...
I hate scammers too, especially real phishing scammers who send you e-mails pretending to be an official company.
 
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